Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 That's the thing though. They were never exclusive. Even though she wanted a commitment, she kept it to herself instead of talking to him about it. To play devil's advocate here, what if he started checking out other options because he didn't think she wanted anything serious? I just don't think she has a right to act like he cheated on her, when she kept her desire for a commitment to herself. Oh dear God... So now the excuse for shagging around is that they never had a talk about not shagging other people... So when can one assume that they are actually in a serious relationship together and that the intention is that they will concentrate on each other? After 15 years of marriage. Oh yes sorry we have to have a talk about it because the dating world is so F'ed up these days that now we have to assume that its OK to shag around until we have an agreement not to??? WHAT THE F***? Have morals really dropped that low? 1
Versacehottie Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I would add, if you were not exclusive and only seeing each other about once a week, I have no idea why he thinks you would be his nurse after his surgery. Ugh. Definitely do NOT feel bad about that. Not exclusive is a notch above just friends which means he has a lot of nerve wanting care after his surgery. That's major girlfriend territory. He would be getting perks of gf without doing responsibilities of having a gf. If you can wrap your head around not feeling guilty AT ALL coupled with your great stance on how you handled dumping him, you are on your way to not being a pushover next relationship. 3
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Oh dear God... So now the excuse for shagging around is that they never had a talk about not shagging other people... So when can one assume that they are actually in a serious relationship together and that the intention is that they will concentrate on each other? After 15 years of marriage. Oh yes sorry we have to have a talk about it because the dating world is so F'ed up these days that now we have to assume that its OK to shag around until we have an agreement not to??? WHAT THE F***? Have morals really dropped that low? Nope, after the famous talk and you can have that talk as early as you want. And when you have that talk you should remind romeo what exclusivity means. That reminds me of Joe, he told me after 4 dates what exclusivity meant to him. No online - no talking to ex prospects - no getting together with exs - and no one-on-one with male friends. The man knew what he wanted and spelled it out. It was mine to take it or leave it. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Part of having a successful dating life, is being able to exit dating scenarios that aren't working with dignity, grace and respect, even if the other party wasn't respectful. If they weren't respectful, the best way to turn it back on them is to be respectful anyway, be better than they were. Exiting a dating scenario this way, minimizes animosity and feelings of hurt being carried over into new dating scenarios and takes your confidence "back" so to speak.
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Hey Gaeta - What happened with your current flame that made him so clear on what he wanted? I agree with all his demands. Talking / meeting ex's, old flames, etc. isn't good.
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Conversely, though I don't think it was the case with this guy, in absence of the commitment conversation, **I think some guys will just presume they are in an exclusive relationship because the actions match up with that and no talk is necessary.*** They may be grateful they didn't have to do a "talk". Hey even good guys like to avoid those sometimes. Revise: most of the time!! Asterisk above -- That's how it's always been in my relationships.... we both knew we were exclusive based on our actions.... No formal exclusive talk has ever been necessary..... Which got me to thinking....my bf and I have been together five years. We live together, we love each other and are committed. We both wish to be together forever...hopefully we will be. That said, we have never had any sort of *exclusivity talk.". The only thing said was after our first date, he asked me if I dated "one at a time,* or multi. I responded one at a time, and our relationship took off from there. That said, and given I have never initiated the *exclusivity talk,* if I discovered he had an on line dating profile and was either searching for or actually dating other women, would he be 'within his rights' to do so because I never initiated a formal exclusivity talk? Would he be within his rights to say, so what? You never actually talked to me about being exclusive, so if you're upset, that's on you? Again, we have been together five years, love each other, and as such are committed, and hope to spend our lives together. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Asterisk above -- That's how it's always been in my relationships.... we both knew we were exclusive based on our actions.... No formal exclusive talk has ever been necessary..... Which got me to thinking....my bf and I have been together five years. We live together, we love each other and are committed. We both wish to be together forever...hopefully we will be. That said, we have never had any sort of *exclusivity talk.". The only thing said was after our first date, he asked me if I dated "one at a time,* or multi. I responded one at a time, and our relationship took off from there. That said, and given I have never initiated the *exclusivity talk,* if I discovered he had an on line dating profile and was either searching for or actually dating other women, would he be 'within his rights' to do so because I never initiated a formal exclusivity talk? Would he be within his rights to say, so what? You never actually talked to me about being exclusive, so if you're upset, that's on you? Again, we have been together five years, love each other, and as such are committed, and hope to spend our lives together. yeah i agree. It has happened to me too. In a good way. Where we spent every day together and we each knew exactly what the other was doing. A talk would have been humorous. I think if someone is keeping you at arm's distance where you may be headed toward a relationship or maybe not but you're feeling the need to define, then a talk is necessary to clarify what the other person is thinking. If they were only seeing each other once a week and his actions were not matching up with "he's my bf" then a clarification is necessary. Sometimes it's not necessary at all though, when things are so good and you bypass "the talk" because you are actually talking about future stuff constantly like moving in together. 1
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Asterisk above -- That's how it's always been in my relationships.... we both knew we were exclusive based on our actions.... No formal exclusive talk has ever been necessary..... Which got me to thinking....my bf and I have been together five years. We live together, we love each other and are committed. We both wish to be together forever...hopefully we will be. That said, we have never had any sort of *exclusivity talk.". The only thing said was after our first date, he asked me if I dated "one at a time,* or multi. I responded one at a time, and our relationship took off from there. **That said, and given I have never initiated the *exclusivity talk,* if I discovered he had an on line dating profile and was either searching for or actually dating other women, would he be 'within his rights' to do so because I never initiated a formal exclusivity talk?** *"Would he be within his rights to say, so what? You never actually talked to me about being exclusive, so if you're upset, that's on you?** Again, we have been together five years, love each other, and as such are committed, and hope to spend our lives together. ^^Redhead, I really respect your opinions, so when u get a chance, could you respond to questions ^^? I am actually nervous now. Should I have the exclusive talk with him now....after five years? Just to clarify? I am serious. This thread has really got me thinking...ugh.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Oh dear God... So now the excuse for shagging around is that they never had a talk about not shagging other people... So when can one assume that they are actually in a serious relationship together and that the intention is that they will concentrate on each other? After 15 years of marriage. Oh yes sorry we have to have a talk about it because the dating world is so F'ed up these days that now we have to assume that its OK to shag around until we have an agreement not to??? WHAT THE F***? Have morals really dropped that low? Tood, you multi-date yourself. So I was surprised to see this post from you. However, it's going nothing to do with morals. It has to do with actually communicating and setting relationship expectations. I mean I know some women expect men to be mind readers. But in today's dating world, BOTH sexes multi-date and you need to establish where both people stand. I mean she basically says "I want a commitment but am scared to talk to him about it. So I'll just keep it to myself and hope that he picks up on it". I am sorry but that is BS in my opinion. Plus, it is possible to date multiple people and not have multiple sex partners. As you know, I multi-date as well. But I keep all dates in public and don't have sex until it's with the one woman I want to solely focus on. So not everyone who multi-dates is out shagging everyone they meet. Just saying..
minime13 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 No offense meant here, but it seems like some people really have their head in the clouds about relationships. There is the fairy tale and there is the reality. The fairy tale exists in movies. The reality is what relationship are really like. The first myth that needs to be shattered is "if he really wanted you, he should have committed to you." No. Relationships and dating are vastly different than they were 10-15 years ago. People (both men and women) date and keep their options open until intentions are discussed. Some people do just date for the sake of it. Others date in order to find a mate. Without discussion, there is no inherent right or wrong about dating. The second is that there need not be any talk of exclusivity. I'm astounded that so many people never have the talk in their relationships. Communication helps establish your relationship and defines both boundaries and goals. I find it really hard to believe that there have been so many relationships that never established boundaries and goals through communication that are alive and well. That is selling a message, in my opinion, that shouldn't be sold, because it isn't truthful. These are especially true in the OLD world. As far as the OP is concerned - please take this as a lesson learned. Discuss your relationship intentions early on - within a few weeks. You don't have to lay it on the line and say, "I plan on getting married with in ... , " just explain that you'd like to get to know someone better, and form a meaningful relationship with them. The timeline to say that should feel natural, and it shouldn't extend beyond a few weeks or a month (around the time you start becoming more intimate). Three months is too long to wait. Your ex is human. These things, alone, don't make him a dirt bag or anything else. They make him a guy who has been dating a girl that perhaps kept his options open as well. He never agreed to a monogamous relationship, and perhaps never knew that was your goal. Men are not mind-readers. Communication is a must in any successful relationship. I can understand your frustration, and can see why you would be hurt by this. Neither partner should drag their heels along for 3 months without knowing where the other stands, though. Next time, just be more open and communicative with your partner, and you'll likely be able to weed out quite a few men who just want to date for the sake of it. At the very least you won't have those lingering questions of what you mean to each other. Otherwise, not communicating may get you stuck in a "casual" relationship with you doling out more rope to hang yourself, proverbially, in the end. Best of luck. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 yeah i agree. It has happened to me too. In a good way. Where we spent every day together and we each knew exactly what the other was doing. A talk would have been humorous. I think if someone is keeping you at arm's distance where you may be headed toward a relationship or maybe not but you're feeling the need to define, then a talk is necessary to clarify what the other person is thinking. If they were only seeing each other once a week and his actions were not matching up with "he's my bf" then a clarification is necessary. Sometimes it's not necessary at all though, when things are so good and you bypass "the talk" because you are actually talking about future stuff constantly like moving in together. It's important to have periodic relationship status conversations just to check the "temperature" of a relationship. People start operating on auto-pilot and the communication drops off and the parties start sublimating things and that's when issues build up, feelings that there is secrecy, etc. and feelings about the relationship are changing slowly. Doing this allows you to tap into things before they become unmanageable. Pre-empting the relationship from falling apart and refreshing that flame before it dies out. Conversations like these done in a supportive, casual, non-confrontational way sparks things again and keeps the line of communication open. Oftentimes, one party is feeling so good about the relationship, maybe noticing that it's a little off, but still feeling good. The other party "all of a sudden" says they aren't happy or want to leave. It wasn't all of a sudden, it was happening gradually and one or both of them wasn't tuned in. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 No offense meant here, but it seems like some people really have their head in the clouds about relationships. There is the fairy tale and there is the reality. The fairy tale exists in movies. The reality is what relationship are really like. The first myth that needs to be shattered is "if he really wanted you, he should have committed to you." No. Relationships and dating are vastly different than they were 10-15 years ago. People (both men and women) date and keep their options open until intentions are discussed. Some people do just date for the sake of it. Others date in order to find a mate. Without discussion, there is no inherent right or wrong about dating. The second is that there need not be any talk of exclusivity. I'm astounded that so many people never have the talk in their relationships. Communication helps establish your relationship and defines both boundaries and goals. I find it really hard to believe that there have been so many relationships that never established boundaries and goals through communication that are alive and well. That is selling a message, in my opinion, that shouldn't be sold, because it isn't truthful. These are especially true in the OLD world. As far as the OP is concerned - please take this as a lesson learned. Discuss your relationship intentions early on - within a few weeks. You don't have to lay it on the line and say, "I plan on getting married with in ... , " just explain that you'd like to get to know someone better, and form a meaningful relationship with them. The timeline to say that should feel natural, and it shouldn't extend beyond a few weeks or a month (around the time you start becoming more intimate). Three months is too long to wait. Your ex is human. These things, alone, don't make him a dirt bag or anything else. They make him a guy who has been dating a girl that perhaps kept his options open as well. He never agreed to a monogamous relationship, and perhaps never knew that was your goal. Men are not mind-readers. Communication is a must in any successful relationship. I can understand your frustration, and can see why you would be hurt by this. Neither partner should drag their heels along for 3 months without knowing where the other stands, though. Next time, just be more open and communicative with your partner, and you'll likely be able to weed out quite a few men who just want to date for the sake of it. At the very least you won't have those lingering questions of what you mean to each other. Otherwise, not communicating may get you stuck in a "casual" relationship with you doling out more rope to hang yourself, proverbially, in the end. Best of luck. Post of the thread!
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well another thread I have learned loads from... Will have a talk with bf tonight....just to check the *temp* as RH said. Nothing should be assumed... He will probably chuckle....hopefully he won't get offended and think I don't trust him! Wish me luck.....this is new territory for me!
SycamoreCircle Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 So, I ended it yesterday with this text: "This no longer feels good. So I feel it's best we end things here so you can continue to pursue others with no concerns of getting your texts crossed." I was hoping to make it quick and easy but we ended up going rounds. The emboldened is not true. Realize that. Own up to feeling angered over this. Part of the anger is at yourself. You could have been more judicious about getting involved with this guy. Start to identify your boundaries. Do you ever want to go through this again? Then identify the signs that were there all along that you ignored. Ask yourself why you ignored them. I'm sorry for your pain.
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Minime - Thanks for all your input, thoughts and suggestions. Again, it was a HUGE learning lesson and something I'll definitely apply next time. As for having the talk and not having the talk...... I do been in committed relationships where there was never a talk. It was assumed. I also had guys say to me up front.... "Looking for something casual, nothing serious....." And what I learned is that people sometimes and say and what they really want are two different things.
minime13 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well another thread I have learned loads from... Will have a talk with bf tonight....just to check the *temp* as RH said. Nothing should be assumed... He will probably chuckle....hopefully he won't get offended and think I don't trust him! Wish me luck.....this is new territory for me! You had the talk without even knowing it. You even mentioned it in a post. "Are you a one person only dater" or something to the effect was communication about your relationship. There have probably been many more tidbits along the length of your relationship. So, RH is correct. People have the talk in many ways, but they always have it in a successful relationship. 1
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Actually, Sycamore, I stand by what I said. I feel my text, given the circumstances, was pretty respectful. I know other women would have come in with a lot of "how dare you's..." "f-that...." You don't know me, but staying it as a did was a huge step. But here our point about boundaries, etc...
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well another thread I have learned loads from... Will have a talk with bf tonight....just to check the *temp* as RH said. Nothing should be assumed... He will probably chuckle....hopefully he won't get offended and think I don't trust him! Wish me luck.....this is new territory for me! I wouldn't do it. I mean you have been with him for five years and you refer to each other as BF/GF. The length and labels imply commitment. It's completely different than people who have been dating for a few months. All asking him now after five years will do is put doubt in his mind to your level of trust and faith in the relationship. So don't do it Katie. No need to fix what isn't broken.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Your text was cool until the very end where you threw in a combative dig about getting texts crossed. If I was the other person, I would take that as an invitation to combat. You are not innocent here. Dispensing with victimization will help you move on much faster and with less baggage.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well another thread I have learned loads from... Will have a talk with bf tonight....just to check the *temp* as RH said. Nothing should be assumed... He will probably chuckle....hopefully he won't get offended and think I don't trust him! Wish me luck.....this is new territory for me! Katie, remember you're not doing it because you lack confidence in him or the relationship. You're just creating the environment for him to be able to open up to you IF there is anything he thinks needs to be worked on or improved. That's all. And, don't say anything like "hey, we gotta talk :)" Segue into it casually while you're doing something together. Don't make it "formal". Make it supportive. I love the life we have together and you are wonderful. (or your "style" of wording There's nothing I would change or do differently." And, then, let him talk.
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I wouldn't do it. I mean you have been with him for five years and you refer to each other as BF/GF. The length and labels imply commitment. It's completely different than people who have been dating for a few months. All asking him now after five years will do is put doubt in his mind to your level of trust and faith in the relationship. So don't do it Katie. No need to fix what isn't broken. Thanks ff I actually just thought of that myself too. That he may think I am asking because I am stepping out...you know projecting.. So on second thought I won't. Thanks guys! Feel better now....
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks ff I actually just thought of that myself too. That he may think I am asking because I am stepping out...you know projecting.. So on second thought I won't. Thanks guys! Feel better now.... In this case, it's not about the "labeling", it's just about giving the opportunity to express things that are maybe being left unsaid because they're just going thru the daily routine for so long.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 My story about keeping the line of communication open: I was with a man for two years. The first year was terrific. Into the second year, things kinda stagnated and we were "going through" the motions of daily living, etc. We were communicating, but the quality was dropping off. So, I opened a casual, light conversation and said what I said above, "I love you and the relationship we have. There isn't one thing I would change or do differently. And he said "well, there's something I would change." I said, what is it, I'd like to work together on it". He said, "our marital status". One week later, I was wearing a beautiful engagement ring Unfortunately, he passed away 2 months before the wedding. I'll never regret being able to communicate effectively.
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Again, Sycamore, saying what I said was a huge step. I've let guys do -hitty things and never said anything. It later ate me up. Speaking up is a huge issue. This was the best way I could handle it in the moment without getting really nasty. You learn and move on. I know people who would have been much more in the guy's face. 1
Gary S Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 No formal exclusive talk has ever been necessary..... . - You're right. You just know. By the way, there is nothing wrong with having female friends... as long as he introduces you to them.... after six months. If a person is in love.... (and yes, he should have been by 3 months if it would ever happen)... he would not be interested in dating others - you can't love more than one person at a time. You can call him a player if you want, but the bottom line is, he's just not that into you.
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