Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 When possible, we saw each other every week. But, again, single parents, so our schedule didn't always permit. We texted/called typically every day. He did all the paying. His ad stated he wanted a serious relationship. I'm very careful not to pursue men. (That's me.) So, in the beginning stages I'll only return calls and texts. When ending it yesterday, he went into a rant via texts about how his daughter deserves to see him in a healthy, loving relationship and his days of "casual" dating were over. Shocked that I was taking a stand, he immediately took down his ad. But, even though he's four years out from marriage, he still has a lot of issues with the ex.
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 When possible, we saw each other every week. But, again, single parents, so our schedule didn't always permit. We texted/called typically every day. He did all the paying. His ad stated he wanted a serious relationship. I'm very careful not to pursue men. (That's me.) So, in the beginning stages I'll only return calls and texts. When ending it yesterday, he went into a rant via texts about how his daughter deserves to see him in a healthy, loving relationship and his days of "casual" dating were over. Shocked that I was taking a stand, he immediately took down his ad. But, even though he's four years out from marriage, he still has a lot of issues with the ex. His daughter may deserve it but if he is going to go around shagging loads of women and chasing skirt behind peoples back he doesn't! J'esh. So much better off out of it. Good on you. This one is the male equivalent of the "Daddy issues" girl. He is behaving like a spoilt brat. Sod that. At least you only wasted three months and not three years. With that amount of contact it should be bloody obvious that its moving on and not appropriate to be chasing other women or have a profile up on a dating site... Common sense is lacking in this one... he is practically lining up for a Darwin.... Girl - you rock. P.S. can you let Gaeta and I know what he looks like so niether of us pick him up?!!!! Just save us both a bit of time... you know sisters looking out for sisters and all that! 1
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Absolutely!!!!! Best post ever!!! :bunny: The guy is CLEARY a player, a bonafide asshat....his response after being confronted about his profile pretty much proves that....and also proves he did not give two shyts about your feelings. To suggest this was somehow the OP's fault for not clarifying exclusivity.... after three months of consistent dating including sex is absolutely ludicrous. I have said this before, but how old is he (or guys like him) 12? They need *mommy* to tell or ask them to stop chasing other chicks when developing a relationship with a girl he likes, is dating and having sex with?? **Should not what he feels inside his HEART dictate his actions and whether to be exclusive??? And NOT mommy (ahem gf) having to asking him to?** Good grief Toodles is right. What is this world coming to. God I am glad I am in a relationship. OP you did the right thing and you have done nothing wrong. Good luck going forward.... ^^Edited: Should not what he feels inside his HEART *and his own level of integrity* dictate his actions... and not "mommy" having to ask him to??? We are all adults...not children. He knew he was wrong and being an asshat.....don't allow him or anyone else convince you otherwise. Edited June 17, 2015 by katiegrl
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 He agreed to exclusivity with her? Really? You know something we don't? I recall that thread and unless she updated, he has not agreed to exclusivity at all. He also never said he was going to take his profile down. Last we heard, they had plans to get together that weekend to talk, the OP was gonna pull back a bit, chill out and see how this plays out... Well, perhaps I'm not remembering it correctly. I do get mixed up with these sometimes. Nevertheless, she did communicate and he was willing to talk at least and that's fair for both of them. Either way, this thread had some other things that came to light later that paints a little different picture than when it started.
aloneinaz Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 When possible, we saw each other every week. But, again, single parents, so our schedule didn't always permit. We texted/called typically every day. He did all the paying. His ad stated he wanted a serious relationship. I'm very careful not to pursue men. (That's me.) So, in the beginning stages I'll only return calls and texts. When ending it yesterday, he went into a rant via texts about how his daughter deserves to see him in a healthy, loving relationship and his days of "casual" dating were over. Shocked that I was taking a stand, he immediately took down his ad. But, even though he's four years out from marriage, he still has a lot of issues with the ex. Ok, I'm a guy and you're now ex is a douche bag, cut and dry. You absolutely made the right decision in cutting bait and leaving him. As a guy, I'd never go past a month or 6 weeks of seeing a girl and sleeping with her and not talk about exclusivity. Most relationships that were working well enough to see each other at least 3 times a week that included sex, had this conversation. If the girl said she wanted to keep her options open, I'd be gone. Thankfully, that never happened. Regardless of this conversation nothing talking place between you two, I agree, he simply wasn't "all in" w/your relationship. He was clearly keeping his options open if not dating others as well. Either way, you flushing him down the toilet was the correct call. Let someone else "baby" and coddle him after his surgery. 4
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, perhaps I'm not remembering it correctly. I do get mixed up with these sometimes. **Nevertheless, she did communicate and he was willing to talk at least and that's fair for both of them.** Either way, this thread had some other things that came to light later that paints a little different picture than when it started. Fair enough...and re what I quoted in asterisk...completely agree with you. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Fair enough...and re what I quoted in asterisk...completely agree with you. Katie, we always agree, just at different times 1
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 To suggest this was somehow the OP's fault for not clarifying exclusivity.... after three months of consistent dating including sex is absolutely ludicrous. This is what dating is about nowadays. She knew he had a profile up and she knew he was maintaining a wide circle of female 'friends'. If she is not watching her back no one will for her! The days of dating for an amount of time and you automatically fall in an exclusive relationships are o-v-e-r. As much as people despise it, it is what is it nowadays, you've got to have that talk and sooner than later. She did nothing wrong that drove him online but she did not watch her back the way she should have. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 This is what dating is about nowadays. She knew he had a profile up and she knew he was maintaining a wide circle of female 'friends'. If she is not watching her back no one will for her! The days of dating for an amount of time and you automatically fall in an exclusive relationships are o-v-e-r. As much as people despise it, it is what is it nowadays, you've got to have that talk and sooner than later. She did nothing wrong that drove him online but she did not watch her back the way she should have. If you take care of business upFRONT, you don't have to watch your back so much
aloneinaz Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 This is what dating is about nowadays. She knew he had a profile up and she knew he was maintaining a wide circle of female 'friends'. If she is not watching her back no one will for her! The days of dating for an amount of time and you automatically fall in an exclusive relationships are o-v-e-r. As much as people despise it, it is what is it nowadays, you've got to have that talk and sooner than later. She did nothing wrong that drove him online but she did not watch her back the way she should have. I have to say that the internet has done a spectacular job of really bringing to light the trials and tribulations of modern, online dating. I will also say that in some cases, many of the horror stories shared can give the impression that OLD is just a travesty with only horribly damaged people on the sites. In my years of off/on OLD, the VAST majority of women I met where absolutely normal, healthy people who were simply looking for their next relationship. I'd say that 98% of the women I met where great folks. Yes, I had a few odd balls in there but this is where (as you're describing) you have to have your radar on at all times until you're deeper into a committed relationship. Whether you meet someone OLD or in a bar, you still have to use common sense, listen to your little voice that's brings red flags to light and navigate through the process with a sense of humor while trying to not take the whole process so seriously. 2
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Is there a handy little print out that I can print off and give to all my dates when I meet them... Like a score sheet. Two points of you tick a Three if you tick b. If you scored mostly C's you get laid tonight if you scored mainly D's you get the boot... If this is what dating and relationships has come to count me the hell out. How exactly are we projecting ourselves if we behave this way? When ever I do this I forget to have fun and end up being a paranoid miserable cow!!! I am going to go and pick my nose and scratch my arse. Its more fun that counting up a score chart. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Wow.. dumping a guy you saw for three months the day before his surgery by text message. That's a classy move. In the end, you two were never exclusive. If you wanted to be, you should have talked to him awhile ago instead of internalizing and then ending it on the spot. It doesn't seem like anyone has the stones to break up in person anymore. Whenever I end a relationship with a woman I am seeing, I'll do it face to face or in rare cases, over the phone at least (if it's a bit shorter term). But never by f**king text message.
ascendotum Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Things came to a head when on Monday he sent me a text that was intended for someone else. He tried to say it was for a male friend; I believe otherwise. My stance remains the same. Since there was no clarity between them, he was within boundaries to be talking to and dating others. If she was intimate with him without having any conversation about "where" they were, that's on her. I would say for the first month or longer if she is holding out for sex, but if they have been having sex regularly since week 1 and its now 12 weeks in and have been regularly seeing each other a number of times a week and calling/txting most days and he is acting like he is into her, then nuh I think its a bit sleazy for either a man or women to still be sleeping around and when busted say oh but we haven't had the exclusive talk yet. At 3 mths in you would know whether the person is a keeper or not. The thing is, he did not play it that way anyway. First he said the suspicious txt was for a male friend, then she finds him with an active OKC ad which he initially denied then after arguing for a while he backs down and then admits it. It was not a matter of sticking up for his principles to still see other woman because she hasn't asked him to be her exclusive bf yet, he got busted doing the dirty on her. 1
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Wow.. dumping a guy you saw for three months the day before his surgery by text message. That's a classy move. In the end, you two were never exclusive. If you wanted to be, you should have talked to him awhile ago instead of internalizing and then ending it on the spot. It doesn't seem like anyone has the stones to break up in person anymore. Whenever I end a relationship with a woman I am seeing, I'll do it face to face or in rare cases, over the phone at least (if it's a bit shorter term). But never by f**king text message. meh.... did he deserve face to face break up? Three months in, active online, multi-dating. He's got a couple of other options to play nurse. 1
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks all for your insights and comments. Some made me laugh, especially you Toodaloo. I have trouble standing my ground. And, even though I let this one drag on too long, I was proud of how I handled it in the moment. I was calm, straight and non-emotional, simply stating the facts. In one of the many texts, after he dropped his defensiveness, he stated, "Sorry, if you didn't feel I made you a priority." Yea, duh. Which I took as he knew he was being a jerk all along. Oh, and did I mention his wife cheated on him. Needless to say, any minute he'll be getting out surgery. Hopefully, one of his "friends" will be able to swing by for a little TLC. 3
ascendotum Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I would say for the first month or longer if she is holding out for sex, but if they have been having sex regularly since week 1 and its now 12 weeks in and have been regularly seeing each other a number of times a week and calling/txting most days and he is acting like he is into her, then nuh I think its a bit sleazy for either a man or women to still be sleeping around and when busted say oh but we haven't had the exclusive talk yet. At 3 mths in you would know whether the person is a keeper or not. I realize not everyone sees it that way but as the months roll by the absence of a commitment conversation is like taking advantage of sneaky loophole clause to screw around still. If the person was genuine in their principles on being entitled to still see others then they should have no need to hide it imo. 2
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 meh.... did he deserve face to face break up? Three months in, active online, multi-dating. He's got a couple of other options to play nurse. He didn't even deserve the text! He is bloody lucky that egalew gave him that at least! I have trouble standing my ground. And, even though I let this one drag on too long, I was proud of how I handled it in the moment. I was calm, straight and non-emotional, simply stating the facts. Needless to say, any minute he'll be getting out surgery. Hopefully, one of his "friends" will be able to swing by for a little TLC. Good on you. I know its tough sometimes to say no but it is worth it in the end. You stand your ground my girl and do not let anyone treat you like this. He will just have to learn his lesson and stop blaming women for his actions! Twassock. Who gives a flying elf if anyone does go by to give him TLC. You only get back what you put in... He has been putting in enough to get a nice case of the clap...
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 meh.... did he deserve face to face break up? Three months in, active online, multi-dating. He's got a couple of other options to play nurse. That's the thing though. They were never exclusive. Even though she wanted a commitment, she kept it to herself instead of talking to him about it. To play devil's advocate here, what if he started checking out other options because he didn't think she wanted anything serious? I just don't think she has a right to act like he cheated on her, when she kept her desire for a commitment to herself. 1
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Do I think he cheated? Not really. But I do think he was going to keep me hanging and play me while he aggressively looked for a "better deal." And, once that deal came, juggle me and the other, or dump me flat out cold. I also couldn't help but wonder if he kept the fires going with me because of his upcoming surgery. Regardless, no one woman, regardless of the relationship status, wants to receive a text intended for someone else.
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 That's the thing though. They were never exclusive. Even though she wanted a commitment, she kept it to herself instead of talking to him about it. To play devil's advocate here, what if he started checking out other options because he didn't think she wanted anything serious? I just don't think she has a right to act like he cheated on her, when she kept her desire for a commitment to herself. We went over that in another thread. If he can't be a man, speak up about his desire for an exclusive relationship than, too bad. Men are chasers and will have no problem voicing when they want to date exclusively. Also, he's not going back online, he's always been online. It's not like he showed her a lot of attention, kept off line, voices his willingness for an exclusive relationship and she did not reciprocate so he got himself back online. 1
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I realize not everyone sees it that way but as the months roll by the absence of a commitment conversation is like taking advantage of sneaky loophole clause to screw around still. If the person was genuine in their principles on being entitled to still see others then they should have no need to hide it imo. ^^For the record, I see it that way also....so you're not alone with that thinking. To me it's about integrity and what's in your heart. If a guy (or gal) isn't feeling it after a couple of months of consistent dating, sex, etc....so much so that they still need to search for/date others, then for heaven's sake it, end it. Anything else is just misleading the other, exclusive talk or no exclusive talk. After three months, to blame your continuing to skulk around on your partner for not bringing up exclusivity is just so wrong on so many levels....and really douchy. We are adults here, and as adults hopefully we all possess at least some level of integrity and knowledge of what's right, wrong and fair. I know I am in the minority here....so carry on. Like I said, I am just damn thankful I am in a committed relationship and don't have to deal with this crap......
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Do I think he cheated? Not really.. You were not exclusive to the cheating principle does not apply here.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 In the end, they were both sublimating their stance regarding the definition of the relationship. Both playing chicken about who's gonna go there first maybe. If a man or a woman is getting to a point where they are frustrated about it and doing a lot of ruminating, it's time to do it yourself plain and simple just to relieve the anxiety. The reason people don't do it is because they are afraid of the answer. If they are afraid of the answer, it's because they already think it's not going to be the one they hoped for so they continue to dodge the issue and look for more "positive signs". Since OP didn't actually have conversations about what they each wanted early on or what she wanted with him, was she feeling some kind of doubts before all this happened or was she feeling fairly confident based on his dating approach with her that he was invested?
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Bottomline: He wanted the perks of a relationship, but obviously wanted to keep it casual. If he thought he could juggle, we was going to do it. I caught another boyfriend who was head-over-heels with me, and deeply invested in the relationship, answering ads on CL. This was after a year. I promptly ended it.... He begged, called, sent flowers. I share this story because I believe that internet is highly, highly addicting for men. I've seen and heard this story many times. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I realize not everyone sees it that way but as the months roll by the absence of a commitment conversation is like taking advantage of sneaky loophole clause to screw around still. If the person was genuine in their principles on being entitled to still see others then they should have no need to hide it imo. Conversely, though I don't think it was the case with this guy, in absence of the commitment conversation, I think some guys will just presume they are in an exclusive relationship because the actions match up with that and no talk is necessary. They may be grateful they didn't have to do a "talk". Hey even good guys like to avoid those sometimes. Revise: most of the time!! 1
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