egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I've been seeing someone for about three months. Long story short, he had tons of women friends, which I also found a little suspect. Then, I knew he had an ad on OkCupid. Since the relationship was just a couple months old, I didn't feel I could pressure him to commit to only me; however, inside I was bothered. Things came to a head when on Monday he sent me a text that was intended for someone else. He tried to say it was for a male friend; I believe otherwise. I was starting to feel as though I was one of many women. I don't think he was f------ any, but just kept him in his orbit. So, I ended it yesterday with this text: "This no longer feels good. So I feel it's best we end things here so you can continue to pursue others with no concerns of getting your texts crossed." I was hoping to make it quick and easy but we ended up going rounds. When I finally confronted him about his ad his response was the following: Round 1: Deny the ad Round 2: Question me why I was on the site Round 3: Defensive....."So, I had an ad...So what?" Round 4: Downplay the situation and tell me he was just checking on an old friend.... bla, bla.... Long story short, I dumped him the day before his surgery. Felt bad about it about the timing, but getting the text which I thought was for someone else set me off. Apologies for the length of this e-mail. 2
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 No doubt it sucks but..... If you are looking for a stable relationship than dating someone 3 months before addressing exclusivity is way too long. Next time address it after 4-6 weeks dating. You're in the business of finding yourself a boyfriend, not entertaining multi-daters. 4
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I've been seeing someone for about three months. Long story short, he had tons of women friends, which I also found a little suspect. Then, I knew he had an ad on OkCupid. Since the relationship was just a couple months old, I didn't feel I could pressure him to commit to only me; however, inside I was bothered. Things came to a head when on Monday he sent me a text that was intended for someone else. He tried to say it was for a male friend; I believe otherwise. I was starting to feel as though I was one of many women. I don't think he was f------ any, but just kept him in his orbit. So, I ended it yesterday with this text: "This no longer feels good. So I feel it's best we end things here so you can continue to pursue others with no concerns of getting your texts crossed." I was hoping to make it quick and easy but we ended up going rounds. When I finally confronted him about his ad his response was the following: Round 1: Deny the ad Round 2: Question me why I was on the site Round 3: Defensive....."So, I had an ad...So what?" Round 4: Downplay the situation and tell me he was just checking on an old friend.... bla, bla.... Long story short, I dumped him the day before his surgery. Felt bad about it about the timing, but getting the text which I thought was for someone else set me off. Apologies for the length of this e-mail. You two never had a conversation about exclusivity or whether you were each dating others? He was perfectly within boundaries to continue to search for other dating partners. So, basically, this is the first time it became clear that you two needed to have a conversation about where you each stood. He is not a mind reader. If you wanted more with him, you should have said so in a non-pressuring way, non-confrontational way. Were you at least clear with each other about what you each wanted for yourselves out of your dating experiences in general? Were you on that page at least to start with? This is a case of poor communication in a new dating scenario. 3
No Limit Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 He's just one of those guys who hoard women for ONS. Good riddance to him!
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 He's just one of those guys who hoard women for ONS. Good riddance to him! She doesn't know that. They have not been communicating effectively. People keep limiting their dating opportunities because they don't know how to communicate early on in new dating scenarios.
Articher Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Things came to a head when on Monday he sent me a text that was intended for someone else. He tried to say it was for a male friend; I believe otherwise. Ahhhhh.... Guys and their misguided text messages. Most of the time no investigation is even needed. That is how I caught my ex-husband in an emotional affair with a 21-year-old. He sent me the text "I wish I could have stayed Julie, all night". Whelp, I'm not Julie and none of his male buddies are named Julie soooo.... and yes, he still tried to deny it. Priceless.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Things came to a head when on Monday he sent me a text that was intended for someone else. He tried to say it was for a male friend; I believe otherwise. My stance remains the same. Since there was no clarity between them, he was within boundaries to be talking to and dating others. If she was intimate with him without having any conversation about "where" they were, that's on her. 1
lovexocoach Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I completely understand how you felt. Another approach could have been: IF he was worth keeping as a boyfriend I would have discussed this in person instead of ending things via text. If his seeing/dating/texting (any or all of those) other women and having his online dating profile active bothered you then that would have been the opportunity to talk about how you felt about it and about being exclusive.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Things came to a head when on Monday he sent me a text that was intended for someone else. He tried to say it was for a male friend; I believe otherwise. My stance remains the same. Since there was no clarity between them, he was within boundaries to be talking to and dating others. If she was intimate with him without having any conversation about "where" they were, that's on her. And, frankly, if I were him, I'd have moved on from her for being stalkerish, needy, clingy and entitled. I'm sorry for being harsh . . .
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 BUT, at the same time, if here were into her he wouldn't be entertaining that many women and he would have addressed exclusivity himself. It's another case of he's not that into her and she gave him way too much slack for too long. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Recently there was a thread about this same scenario. A woman was dating a man and she was really invested and wanted more with him. She found his dating profile had been updated. She asked him about it in a respectful way and found that he wasn't sure she was that invested. Apparently she wasn't being clear enough to him with her "signs". He agreed to exclusivity with her This was really the first time or opportunity for a meaningful conversation. It was fair to both of them and worked out nicely.
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Since the relationship was just a couple months old, I didn't feel I could pressure him to commit to only me; however, inside I was bothered. A couple of months it plenty for 2 people to figure out if they want to concentrate on each other. If it bothered you it needed to be addressed right there and then instead of bottle up everything then end up blowing up at him. This is a great learning experience. 3
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 When I read stuff about "After 3 months you should have sat him down and had a discussion about exclusivity so its your fault he was shagging around"... Well it just makes me glad I am essentially a hermit and makes me want to slit my wrists... That decency, common sense and good old fashioned manners have to be checked and you have to put a tick in a bloody box or its "your fault" that someone buggars around behind your back... What the hell has this world come to? OP vent away. Your ex is an arse. Sod the operation. If he wants someone to give a damn about him at his low points he should start to treat people with a bit of dignity and respect. Don't worry. Just move on and I for one am really pleased that someone out there treats THEMSELVES with enough respect to walk away. Good on you. 6
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Recently there was a thread about this same scenario. A woman was dating a man and she was really invested and wanted more with him. She found his dating profile had been updated. She asked him about it in a respectful way and found that he wasn't sure she was that invested. Apparently she wasn't being clear enough to him with her "signs". He agreed to exclusivity with her This was really the first time or opportunity for a meaningful conversation. It was fair to both of them and worked out nicely. Funny RH cause I know what thread you're refering to and it didn't really end that way ;-) He did not offer exclusivity. He said IF one day they are exclusive she won't find him online.
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 A couple of months it plenty for 2 people to figure out if they want to concentrate on each other. If it bothered you it needed to be addressed right there and then instead of bottle up everything then end up blowing up at him. This is a great learning experience. Gaeta honey this is clinical. Should we all print off a check list of things to discuss and when to discuss them? Date 1 Are you a raving loonatic? - check Do you have any psychopathic tenancies? - check Are your parents going to burn me at the stake? - check Date 2 Do you have hair implants? - Check Should I actually start to fancy you? - Check Have you paid for coffee yet? - Check Date 3 and so it goes on... 5
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Yes, Gaeta, it was a learning experience. Next time things will definitely be done differently. We're both single parents with conflicting schedules. I was also traveling around Memorial Day, so it complicated things a bit. We couldn't always see each other, which is why things probably got burried and dragged out. And, Red, you comments are harsh and unnecessary. Finding someone's ad, with their picture, in a public form is not stalkerish. And, actually, I'm pretty independent. If anyone was needy, it was him. I heard more talk about the ex wife than I care to share. Regardless of circumstances, no one wants to get a text intended for another woman. 6
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 BUT, at the same time, if here were into her he wouldn't be entertaining that many women and he would have addressed exclusivity himself. It's another case of he's not that into her and she gave him way too much slack for too long. Not necessarily, if she's not being clear enough to him, he's not going to take that leap either. IF he's been dating her properly and consistently and paying and, and, and . . . she should be reciprocating in a way that mirrors his interest. If that's not happening, he's gonna be hesitant. She should give him the benefit of the doubt at least and have a conversation. She apparently has been getting "enough" from him for her to continue dating him, why did she start checking up on him? If she's been having doubts since early on about what he wanted and didn't bother to have a conversation, oh well. And, yes, he could and should have addressed himself. And, maybe he did and she wasn't paying attention . . . perhaps he said something like, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" and she chose not to inquire more deeply or ignored it because she was "hoping". That's another story though.
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Yes, Gaeta, it was a learning experience. Next time things will definitely be done differently. We're both single parents with conflicting schedules. I was also traveling around Memorial Day, so it complicated things a bit. We couldn't always see each other, which is why things probably got burried and dragged out. And, Red, you comments are harsh and unnecessary. Finding someone's ad, with their picture, in a public form is not stalkerish. And, actually, I'm pretty independent. If anyone was needy, it was him. I heard more talk about the ex wife than I care to share. Regardless of circumstances, no one wants to get a text intended for another woman. You know what, it was not meant to be from the beginning. Here we have a big red flag 'he spoke too much about his ex wife'. This man is at the beginning of his journey and he will have many transitional micro-relationship before he finds someone he wishes to settle with. Stay away from these men. Also, When we meet someone we like a lot, we don't have any desire to go online and check other people EVEN if we are free to do so. It's human nature. You found him online and doing what he does because he was not fully taken by you. If you had addressed exclusivity at 1 month, or 2 months or even right now at 3 months I doubt he would have given you a positive response.
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Not necessarily, if she's not being clear enough to him, he's not going to take that leap either. IF he's been dating her properly and consistently and paying and, and, and . . . Lets ask her. OP what kind of dating was it? How often did you see each other? did you communicate daily? who paid for dates? What did he say he was looking for?
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Toodaloo - Thank you! Appreciated you insight and comments. That was my concern. His surgery was coming up and he was worried and wanted someone to ensure he was going to get an extra dose of TLC as he nursed himself back to health. And, I couldn't help think, "And you expect me to do that why your out there checking out other women." I also believe he hoarded women. He needed a lot of ego stroking, so I suspect was making all kinds of "friends" online. 3
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Thank you Toodaloo. Your comments are right on and helped. I love your comment about putting a check in the box. Really, that's what the world has come down to. I also felt that he was nervous about his surgery, so wanted to make sure he was going to get TLC was recovering. He "collected" or "hoarded" women, as someone said. God knows how many women from online he met, which I believe is the problem with online dating. I believe that for someone people it's addicting. They simply can't stop looking and clicking. The thing that amazed me is how indigent he was in the texts. Couldn't believe I was doing it. Again, lesson learned.
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 ****When I read stuff about "After 3 months you should have sat him down and had a discussion about exclusivity so its your fault he was shagging around"...**** Well it just makes me glad I am essentially a hermit and makes me want to slit my wrists... That decency, common sense and good old fashioned manners have to be checked and you have to put a tick in a bloody box or its "your fault" that someone buggars around behind your back... ***What the hell has this world come to?**** OP vent away. ***Your ex is an arse.*** Sod the operation. If he wants someone to give a damn about him at his low points he should start to treat people with a bit of dignity and respect. Don't worry. Just move on and I for one am really pleased that someone out there treats THEMSELVES with enough respect to walk away. Good on you. Absolutely!!!!! Best post ever!!! :bunny: The guy is CLEARY a player, a bonafide asshat....his response after being confronted about his profile pretty much proves that....and also proves he did not give two shyts about your feelings. To suggest this was somehow the OP's fault for not clarifying exclusivity.... after three months of consistent dating including sex is absolutely ludicrous. I have said this before, but how old is he (or guys like him) 12? They need *mommy* to tell or ask them to stop chasing other chicks when developing a relationship with a girl he likes, is dating and having sex with?? Should not what he feels inside his HEART dictate his actions and whether to be exclusive??? And NOT mommy (ahem gf) having to asking him to? Good grief Toodles is right. What is this world coming to. God I am glad I am in a relationship. OP you did the right thing and you have done nothing wrong. Good luck going forward.... 2
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Thank you Toodaloo. Your comments are right on and helped. I love your comment about putting a check in the box. Really, that's what the world has come down to. I also felt that he was nervous about his surgery, so wanted to make sure he was going to get TLC was recovering. He "collected" or "hoarded" women, as someone said. God knows how many women from online he met, which I believe is the problem with online dating. I believe that for someone people it's addicting. They simply can't stop looking and clicking. The thing that amazed me is how indigent he was in the texts. Couldn't believe I was doing it. Again, lesson learned. Honey we have all been there and dated total twazzocks. Lord knows I should be a man hating penis bashing haraden by now but ho hum! Thats is why so many have a check list or dating to do list... Sad but after being bashed so many times one does tend to hold up a shield. Do not let one complete tool define how or who you date in the future. Make your own choices and make them good! He is indignant because he doesn't know how to deal with a woman who has self respect and no Daddy issues. There are some really great blokes out there who will be just as perplexed as you or I about his behaviour. Go grab one of them. I intend to! 2
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Recently there was a thread about this same scenario. A woman was dating a man and she was really invested and wanted more with him. She found his dating profile had been updated. She asked him about it in a respectful way and found that he wasn't sure she was that invested. "*Apparently she wasn't being clear enough to him with her "signs". He agreed to exclusivity with her ** This was really the first time or opportunity for a meaningful conversation. It was fair to both of them and worked out nicely. He agreed to exclusivity with her? Really? You know something we don't? I recall that thread and unless she updated, he has not agreed to exclusivity at all. He also never said he was going to take his profile down. Last we heard, they had plans to get together that weekend to talk, the OP was gonna pull back a bit, chill out and see how this plays out... 1
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