Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Sure we are being cautious, everyone tries to be but when you are SO guarded that you have to warn your date you are 'guarded` that's another kind of game. Well, if he didn't do it, she'd be on here saying he's playing games with her because she's continued to date him and can't figure out why he's taking things so slowly, not too affectionate, etc. Again, she should have just asked him what that mean't to him and for her in terms of their dating scenario going to be like moving forward. She could have said, "ok, you're guarded. What is it that you want for yourself out of dating? Do you want just casual? I'm looking for a long-term, committed relationship for myself." And let him talk. This was her opportunity to clarify things from the get go. Being able to think "on your feet", eliminates a ton of guess work . . . Edited June 17, 2015 by Redhead14 2
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, if he didn't do it, she'd be on here saying he's playing games with her because she's continued to date him and can't figure out why he's taking things so slowly, not too affectionate, etc. Again, she should have just asked him what that mean't to him and for her in terms of their dating scenario going to be like moving forward. She could have said, "ok, you're guarded. What is it that you want for yourself out of dating? Do you want just casual? I'm looking for a long-term, committed relationship for myself." And let him talk. This was her opportunity to clarify things from the get go. I agree on everything. And of course he is being honest but that also makes him non-dating material.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I agree on everything. And of course he is being honest but that also makes him non-dating material. And of course he is being honest but that also makes him non-dating material -- Are you be facetitous with this statement? 1
Emilia Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I think it's not realistic to expect people without baggage. It's how they handle it is the question. Everyone has issues. Are they honest? Are they looking to resolve it? That's what matters. 2
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 And of course he is being honest but that also makes him non-dating material -- Are you be facetitous with this statement? I almost got back in my post to edit it but then decided that for sure people would understand what I mean lol
blueskyday Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Communication is king. It's good he told you, and further conversation is warranted. Ask him what he needs, and what "guarded" looks like to him as far as his behavior and needs. Most importantly, you must know and communicate your own needs. Your needs balance with his. His don't simply win out because he is guarded. You respect that dynamic but you also don't subordinate your own needs. Personally, I don't date emotionally distant men and "guarded" often means just that. Not always the case, so communication is necessary to clarify. It's just that I don't like it when someone says I'm guarded or quiet or whatever, and doesn't work on it. You can't have a relationship with anyone who simply says "that's the way I am. End of story." Relationships are about meeting both people's needs. Talk to him. Decide what you need as well. Edited June 17, 2015 by blueskyday 3
Keenly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Guarded means you want to go slow to minimize the risk of getting hurt. It doesn't mean emotionally unavailable, and it doesn't mean closed off. Give the man a chance to come out of his shell. Is that that too much to ask? 7
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Guarded means you want to go slow to minimize the risk of getting hurt. It doesn't mean emotionally unavailable, and it doesn't mean closed off. I am reading something contradicting. Doesn't it mean making yourself emotionally unavailable to not get hurt?
Keenly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I am reading something contradicting. Doesn't it mean making yourself emotionally unavailable to not get hurt? Not at all. It means your on your toes. You're extra vigilant looking out for those red flags because you weren't paying attention last time.and got really hurt. Guarded certainly doesn't mean impenetrable. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I am reading something contradicting. Doesn't it mean making yourself emotionally unavailable to not get hurt? He means manage your emotions and expectations in the beginning. Don't get caught up in the endorphin high. You can enjoy that high without jumping in with both feet until you've gotten to know them and see if they bring out the best in you naturally and you do that for them.
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 He means manage your emotions and expectations in the beginning. Don't get caught up in the endorphin high. You can enjoy that high without jumping in with both feet until you've gotten to know them and see if they bring out the best in you naturally and you do that for them. And of course all this should be done by putting sex off table while he's guarded. I wonder what he has to say about that
Keenly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 And of course all this should be done by putting sex off table while he's guarded. I wonder what he has to say about that He's probably cool with that. In fact that could even be the direction he was heading. 2
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 He could also have said that because he's not that much into her so it's his way to say don't expect too much out of me. I am trying to imagine under what circumstances I would warn someone about my guards. Here are the options: 1. I am not ready to date but need some casual distraction 2. I like him enough to date but I know he's not long term to me If I met a man I really like there is no way in hell I would risk scaring him away with 'my guards are up' EVEN if was true. 1
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 He could also have said that because he's not that much into her so it's his way to say don't expect too much out of me. I am trying to imagine under what circumstances I would warn someone about my guards. Here are the options: 1. I am not ready to date but need some casual distraction 2. I like him enough to date but I know he's not long term to me If I met a man I really like there is no way in hell I would risk scaring him away with 'my guards are up' EVEN if was true. 3. I am married/in a relationship already and I do not want to answer any probing questions about my personal life. Back off. 1
Halcyon Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) I would describe myself as guarded to most people. It isn't what most people here are thinking it is or at least for me it isn't. It just means I'm not going to dive face first into something without getting an idea of what kind of person you are first. Which takes a bit longer than most people, I'm aware some people aren't cool with that and that is fine but it is how I am. It's something I've been working on and it's getting easier to open up to people but still work in progress. I value honesty and openness and I tell people this when I start dating them. If lines of communication come easily then I open up more easily. Just try talking to him about your concerns I don't think it will go badly at all. Edited June 17, 2015 by Halcyon 3
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I would describe myself as guarded to most people. It isn't what most people here are thinking it is or at least for me it isn't. It just means I'm not going to dive face first into something without getting an idea of what kind of person you are first. Which takes a bit longer than most people, I'm aware some people aren't cool with that and that is fine but it is how I am. It's something I've been working on and it's getting easier to open up to people but still work in progress. I value honesty and openness and I tell people this when I start dating them. If lines of communication come easily then I open up more easily. Just try talking to him about your concerns I don't think it will go badly at all. Ok, but have you come out and told anyone that you are "guarded"? Or are you just cautious around strange people? Do you feel the need to say anything re how you act?
Author chicaboom Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I am impressed with the double sided answers and perspectives. I should probably give a little more information about the guy. So far, I get the impression that he is not here to **** around with me at all. He is a straight shooter and says it like it is, which I appreciate. For example, we were texting last night and he explained a particular dilemma from his day. I responded with a long winded solution, trying to help him. He responded with a nice text saying that he had a really crappy day and honestly just felt like crashing and watching netflix, so if I dind't mind could he not go into the problem in more detail and find a solution at the moment. At first I was a little hurt that he didn't want to open up to me more (signs of being guarded), but also I understood and appreciated his honestly. He apologized again and said he hoped he wasn't being rude. I got it. In terms of intimacy we have not slept together and if anything he is the one who is being more cautious in this area. I really like that. We have only been on about 4-5 dates now and hang out on the weekend. I am worried about him being emotionally unavailable. but I suppose that will come to light very soon, I know how to spot those men a mile away. To date, he has been nothing but attentive, consistent and very thoughtful. I only see him once a week, but funnily enough I don't feel like that is too little. I still feel connected and perhaps I am being slightly guarded myself b/c I really really like him and like that pace we're going at now. I would describe myself as guarded to most people. It isn't what most people here are thinking it is or at least for me it isn't. It just means I'm not going to dive face first into something without getting an idea of what kind of person you are first. Which takes a bit longer than most people, I'm aware some people aren't cool with that and that is fine but it is how I am. It's something I've been working on and it's getting easier to open up to people but still work in progress. I value honesty and openness and I tell people this when I start dating them. If lines of communication come easily then I open up more easily. Just try talking to him about your concerns I don't think it will go badly at all. Thanks Halycyon. Do you think it would be weird if I asked him what he meant when he said he was guarded b/c I have dated men in the past who are emotionally unavailable and I would rather not do that again? I am a straight shooter myself. Do you think this question, if asked of you would be too much too fast? Well, if he didn't do it, she'd be on here saying he's playing games with her because she's continued to date him and can't figure out why he's taking things so slowly, not too affectionate, etc. Again, she should have just asked him what that mean't to him and for her in terms of their dating scenario going to be like moving forward. She could have said, "ok, you're guarded. What is it that you want for yourself out of dating? Do you want just casual? I'm looking for a long-term, committed relationship for myself." And let him talk. This was her opportunity to clarify things from the get go. Being able to think "on your feet", eliminates a ton of guess work . . . Agreed Redhead14. I should have asked him right then and there. But I was thrown off by the comment b/c it was only our second date and I wasn't even thinking about anything serious, I was just having fun and enjoying his company. I didn't want to turn our second date into this serious conversation at the time. And I suppose, part of me is also really scared and guarded myself especially b/c I really like him a lot.
Author chicaboom Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 He's probably cool with that. In fact that could even be the direction he was heading. Yes I don't think that he is rushing to have sex anytime soon. I feel like he definitely is attractedt o me and we make out but he is not pushing me or pressuring me to do anything. He also said those exact words. He said he was hapy to earn my trust and vice versa.
Author chicaboom Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Guarded means you want to go slow to minimize the risk of getting hurt. It doesn't mean emotionally unavailable, and it doesn't mean closed off. Give the man a chance to come out of his shell. Is that that too much to ask? Not at all. It means your on your toes. You're extra vigilant looking out for those red flags because you weren't paying attention last time.and got really hurt. Guarded certainly doesn't mean impenetrable. Keenly, I certainly hope you are right on this point. I'm not one to hunt and dig after someone though so I am a little concerned that this is what it will feel like. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes overshare. If you are right, then we might be complete opposites.
Emilia Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I would describe myself as guarded to most people. It isn't what most people here are thinking it is or at least for me it isn't. It just means I'm not going to dive face first into something without getting an idea of what kind of person you are first. Which takes a bit longer than most people, I'm aware some people aren't cool with that and that is fine but it is how I am. It's something I've been working on and it's getting easier to open up to people but still work in progress. I value honesty and openness and I tell people this when I start dating them. If lines of communication come easily then I open up more easily. Just try talking to him about your concerns I don't think it will go badly at all. Exactly. I think sometimes people project their insecurities too much. Note how 'guarded' became 'married' within a couple of pages. There is nothing wrong with being guarded as long as communication is open. Not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve and jump in. In my experience guarded people are often less shallow. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I am impressed with the double sided answers and perspectives. I should probably give a little more information about the guy. So far, I get the impression that he is not here to **** around with me at all. He is a straight shooter and says it like it is, which I appreciate. For example, we were texting last night and he explained a particular dilemma from his day. I responded with a long winded solution, trying to help him. He responded with a nice text saying that he had a really crappy day and honestly just felt like crashing and watching netflix, so if I dind't mind could he not go into the problem in more detail and find a solution at the moment. At first I was a little hurt that he didn't want to open up to me more (signs of being guarded), but also I understood and appreciated his honestly. He apologized again and said he hoped he wasn't being rude. I got it. In terms of intimacy we have not slept together and if anything he is the one who is being more cautious in this area. I really like that. We have only been on about 4-5 dates now and hang out on the weekend. I am worried about him being emotionally unavailable. but I suppose that will come to light very soon, I know how to spot those men a mile away. To date, he has been nothing but attentive, consistent and very thoughtful. I only see him once a week, but funnily enough I don't feel like that is too little. I still feel connected and perhaps I am being slightly guarded myself b/c I really really like him and like that pace we're going at now. Thanks Halycyon. Do you think it would be weird if I asked him what he meant when he said he was guarded b/c I have dated men in the past who are emotionally unavailable and I would rather not do that again? I am a straight shooter myself. Do you think this question, if asked of you would be too much too fast? Agreed Redhead14. I should have asked him right then and there. But I was thrown off by the comment b/c it was only our second date and I wasn't even thinking about anything serious, I was just having fun and enjoying his company. I didn't want to turn our second date into this serious conversation at the time. And I suppose, part of me is also really scared and guarded myself especially b/c I really like him a lot. It didn't have to be turning it into anything serious. And, you're right, on the first few dates, you should be just having fun. As for not asking the question for fear of making it serious, you don't have to approach it that way. Just be light about how you talk about it and say "you know I'm kinda guarded to, especially when I like the person ." That being said, on a second date, it's not too soon to simply tell each other what you each are looking for out of your dating experiences. It's just a casual, light kinda thing to make sure you're on the same page early. It's not about pressuring if it's done casually and you're not specific as to whether it's about them even if you already kinda think it is And, ok, you're a little guarded too. That's a good thing because you don't want to seem anxious or rushing things, but if you try to be at least relaxed, he may do that also. At least create that environment for him and yourself if he's being guarded, you be a little less guarded. That hopefully draws him out. If you're as guarded as he is, that's polarizing. 2
fireflywy Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I met an amazing guy who told me on our second date that he was guarded. I don't get this. If you're guarded why are you telling me you're guarded? lol. What does this mean if someone tells you this? I've been on a few more dates with him and I do notice he is a little guarded. We always talk about me and the attention is usually on me. Which is really nice. but i want to get to know him too. Is this a major red flag? It MAY mean he's a "Love Avoidant". Look up the term and signs to confirm, and if so, then think about "nexting" him. 1
kendahke Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Isn't everyone guarded on some level? I mean isn't that why everyone is on here asking questions and seeking advice on dating and relationships, trying to figure out if we are we led astray. I'd be very cautious with this guy, it almost seems like he is forewarning you of future bad behavior. Yes, but usually, they don't articulate that. They observe and ascertain if they feel it's wisdom to open themselves up further based on what is falling out in front of them in experience. They don't announce that they're a dead end street before they've even gotten to know this new person they chose to start dating. 2
Author chicaboom Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Yes, but usually, they don't articulate that. They observe and ascertain if they feel it's wisdom to open themselves up further based on what is falling out in front of them in experience. They don't announce that they're a dead end street before they've even gotten to know this new person they chose to start dating. Ya so what does it mean if someone tells you they're guarded? lol WHy would they tell you. I agree I don't think people would normally announce it.
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