My boyfriend's best friend is his ex and it's causing tension between us.

[Carreau]

Hello all,

 

I've been a long-time lurker and would like to request your insight on my situation with my boyfriend, M. We first met online and after an initial meeting at his hometown, we decided to embark on a long-distance relationship. Over the past five months, we've managed to get together five times and get along very well. We're both introverts and have small circles of friends. In his case, V, his best friend from high school, also happens to be his ex-girlfriend and has been the main cause of tension between us.

 

 

Early on when M and I started talking, he shared with me his history with V, because he wanted to be completely open about everything. They'd been friends since high school when sometime in Junior year, she decided to kiss him. At the time, she had a boyfriend and the two started a clandestine relationship during which my boyfriend would try to convince V to be monogamous with him. After two years, V and her boyfriend broke up and M and V publicly started their relationship. It lasted six months, during which they would fight over small things (specifics were not shared) and decided they weren't in love with each other and broke it off. So sometime in 2011, they both agreed they would always be friends first and remain close friends to this day. As a side note, during these six months, V cheated on M but he chose to forgive her. It was not the cause of their breakup.

 

 

When my boyfriend first told me this story, I chose to accept it. I understood people change, and the choices we make in high school shouldn't be held against us in our adulthood. So I gave our relationship a chance and he has proven to be one of the most loyal person I know. I haven't had a chance to meet V, as the only time I visited M's hometown was also my first time meeting him. So it's been very difficult for me to picture what kind of person she is today.

 

 

The problem I am struggling with now is the closeness of their bond. Granted, they do not text each other every day and only get to see each other once every two months or so. But V can be depressive and my boyfriend will go to her for support in those moments.

 

 

This weekend some things happened to V that have upset her very much, and so she asked M to go over to her place. M's dog also passed away this weekend so they're comforting each other. When my boyfriend told me he was going to V's, I became very upset. I started to fear she was too emotionally dependent on my boyfriend. Mind you, V has a boyfriend of her own, but he's part of the reason why she's feeling depressive and hence, V chose to reach out to M.

 

 

My issue is that if V is experiencing problems in her life, then HER boyfriend should be the first person she goes to for help and support. Not MY boyfriend. Obviously, V's cheating past also taints my perception of her and their relationship. And I only just found out, M was planning to STAY OVER at her place, since getting from work to her place then going back home is a hassle with the trains and subways. I told him that was NOT okay in any shape way or form to me. I find it wildly inappropriate to stay at a friend of the opposite sex's place while in a relationship. It's disrespectful to our relationship, especially given the fact that we're long-distance and I've never met V. V is feeling emotional and vulnerable. M is feeling very upset over his dog's passing. It's a very compromising situation and I'm not okay with it.

 

(UPDATE: M's agreed not to stay over at V's place tonight. It'll take him at least 3 hours to get home :/)

 

 

M sees it differently. He doesn't see V as his ex-girlfriend, only as a close friend who's in need of his help. M is a very logical person, a quality that I've always appreciated. But in this regard, he lacks a bit of empathy and doesn't understand why I feel it's wrong.

 

There was a previous occurrence when I started feeling insecure (I do get insecure at times) about his friendship with V and asked him about it. That conversation drew on to the point where he felt at a loss of what to do, and asked V for advice. He sent me a screencap of her response, which was basically "I love you enough that if you chose not to be friends anymore to be with her, I'd understand." I became fully enraged once I'd realized what'd happened. It felt like a complete violation of the trust I had in our relationship, that things I'd told my boyfriend in confidence would leak into the ears of V. Not to mention that I was confiding my insecurities about V. My boyfriend didn't understand why I was so furious. Because V is the person he turns to for relationship advice, he saw it as seeking advice from his close friend. I had to explain to him that the injury was two-fold: 1. He told an outsider about our private conversation. 2. He told the very person I was feeling insecure about that private conversation. Eventually after I explained my feelings, he understood that he'd made a bad judgement call and we talked about the privacy of our relationship.

 

I am giving you this instance as an example to illustrate that my boyfriend does not seek to hurt me. But he can lapse in judgement and sometimes doesn't understand why these things would hurt me.

 

 

How can I help him understand? We've already talked about breaking up, I'm at a loss of what I can do to help him see how this is hurting our relationship.

 

 

If you feel I am in the wrong in this situation, please also share your thoughts.

 

 

 

TLDR: My boyfriend shares a close bond with his best friend, who happens to be his ex-girlfriend. He makes bad judgement calls in regards to what's appropriate and inappropriate with her. How can I help him understand why I get upset over their friendship?

[La.Primavera]

I think you need to face the reality that she will always be in the picture. He might be faithful now, however there will always be a little doubt over him because he was involved in cheating with her while she was in a relationship before they got together. You might just see this as youthful ignorance on his part but I look at it as a character flaw. In addition to that you know she is a notorious cheat. I wouldn't blame you for feeling concerned.

 

Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, without an ex in the picture. If you ever had a big fight, she will be there to comfort him. He has already shown that he will go straight to her with your relationship problems. I'm not saying that she wants to hook up with him, but if she did she could pursue him anytime she likes and you would never know about it because you are so far apart. You can't stop them for seeing each other because even if he said he would stay away from her he could still do it in secret. They have done that before.

 

Personally, I would find it too difficult to be in a relationship like this. I would end it before I became too emotionally attached. You need to either accept things as they are or move on.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more help.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Carreau,

 

Welcome to the LS Community.

 

I can understand how you feel. She seems kind of flaky. How can you trust anyone so flaky? I have a cousin who's like that. I learned to just take things not to seriously. She's the kind who can stand you up too.

 

Anyway, what would I do if I were you? I think I would talk to him and say that I would like to take that place in his heart, the place of best friend. It's tricky, because if he has problems with his girlfriend, talking to his best friend would mean talking to you. But it can also be funny and quite unique in its own way.

 

I'm my man's best friend. Still, I was hurt when once he was away for work and it was his birthday. I was hoping he'd spend some time with me on his birthday. And what did he do? He was curt with me on the phone. He had arranged a meeting with a friend who had moved to that state where he was working. She came to the hotel and they had drinks down in the lobby/bar. I took that very badly. It was night, she came there just to meet him, and they had drinks together, but most of all, he was quick with me not to be late with her. And even worse, he hid that from me. That was a long while ago. Truth is, they were not alone. There was another colleague with them. Still the whole thing was not good. As he goes to that city at least 2 or 3 times a year, I told him that I didn't want him to meet her anymore after that. I felt it was not right they could hang out at night and be social, when I was not allowed to do that. So I simply told him I didn't want. He agreed to that deal, though he was not happy about it, because he said she was just a friend. But when I'll be comfortable with that again, I'll tell him. Not now.

 

So here's about having a best friend. See if he's willing to have you as a best friend.

 

What I don't like about your story:

 

1. He was the the other guy, third party in the couple for 2 long years, while she had an official boyfriend, and he was OK with that. Had it been a marriage and there were things involved, children, obligations etc, it would have been different. But really, I see no reason to be 2nd boyfriend, or the lust option.

 

2. It must have been just lust and sex with her (at least for her), because they kept the affair going for 2 years, but when they could finally be a steady couple, they didn't make it past 6 months.

 

3. It looks kind of desperate that in 2 years, he was just waiting around for a girl with a boyfriend. Think holidays, friday and saturday nights, and sundays........... any official outing, prom, whatever. And he never even tried to date another girl? That just screams guy was in love really bad. And how do you go from being in love to 'I have no feelings for you at all anymore'. You can just guess that's utopia. And in those lousy 6 months, she cheated on him. But he was so desperate for her that he got over it and forgave her.

 

After all that, if he's unable to cut the umbilical cord, you must definitely think there's more to it.

 

Now she's the third wheel. She made it clear she's ready to draw back. But can also be good tactics to make him think: oh, she's so good and understanding............

 

Short answer: he needs to cut ties with her. Or just run away.

[Els]

I would be very, VERY wary of someone whose 'best friend' was their ex. I'm generally quite open-minded about communication with exes - I think being acquaintances and the occasional message is fine - but 'best friend'? Hell no.

 

Run, fast.

[casey.lives]

that's not a best friend .. he's just a greedy fkin **** face. forget that coward pig

[LoveAnimals]

Oh boy I have been in your shoes before. Look, I feel like I know the sort of person your BF is because my ex was like that. He was very good friends with his high school ex of 4 years. Originally, I was open minded. But after a while and witnessing their friendship I began to think their friendship was just a *tad* too strange for me to be comfortable with.

 

The thing with guys like this, is that they see nothing wrong in these particular friendships. They are very "open minded'? in a sense that they dont understand why their significant other would have an issue with it. Although my ex did end up significantly decreasing the contact with his ex, the problem that arises from this is he will begin to develop resentment towards you. You see after a while, he will start to feel that you are trying to control him. As in who are you to tell him what he cant and cannot do. And i can guarantee you that when you both have your first fight (inevitable) or any fights he WILL run straight to her. And im not saying he will do anything innappropriate, just that she will always be his shoulder to cry on/vent on. If she is not one to be trusted, that further adds worry to YOU about their "friendship".

 

In the end, after 5 years with my ex I have found that these seemingly small differences of what is appropriate in a relationship and what isnt, are a huge determining factor for the success of the relationship. Everybody is different so perhaps you can get through it. That being said, I recommend you leave before you're in too deep. Best of Luck OP

[Totorolover4life]

Hello Carreau, hope things are well with u and that maybe you are still with M. Because I am here to tell you that, I can relate to you so much, in the sense that something like this has happened to me. But instead my boyfriends best friend was always just a friend. But she had her own little issues, that he would help her out in. Plus they talked often. BTW I am in a LDR he lives in Texas, i live on Utah

 

In fact I meet her, and let me tell you.... do not plan on meeting your Bf's best friend XD it is a disaster. I repeat do not try to befriend his best friend. Because my boyfriends bestie literally tried to ingrain in my head how imperfect I was for him, and how her interests were common to his. sooo I understand the sense that he went to her for advice and just talked to her because he wanted to help her.

 

my boyfriend is a very helpful, caring guy. so he would do anything for his friends. when I told him that his bestie was making me feel bad and just being a total jerk to me he didnt believe me. he thought I was just not liking her because she was his friend. then one day I sent him a snapshot of the things she had told me and everything that she was saying to me. then he finally understood how hurt I was. and he decided to talk less to her. to the point in which they no longer talk.

 

this all started because I actually helped his bestie out by giving her advice about what she could do to not feel so insecure, and feel so sad. and in return she was a B word to me .... she completely hated me and wanted me and my bf to break up. I knew deep down that she liked him. but my bf never saw it.

 

so my advice to you is : If you want to keep your bf and actually last, I suggest that you try to talk to him sincerely and tell him to stop talking to his bestie because it is hurting you to see that he goes to her for comfort and to be with. and that to you, still signifies he has feelings for her. tell him every thing you feel is wrong in his friendship. that she is his ex for a reason and that he truly cares for you, he will respect your reasoning behind you not liking his "best friend" besides that you should tell him that the way she uses him for comfort is not right, especially since she has a Bf. and that you are under the impression that she likes him still. and that you should be his best friend, that you can provide even more than what he has. if you want to chat more i would be happy to talk to you more. please reply back:laugh:

[LuckyLady13]

Carreau, I'm a little surprised at some of the responses so far. I'll tell you though, a quick way to lose a relationship is to say "It's me or your best friend".

 

Now, I honestly think he sees this as innocent because it is. I think he no longer has feelings toward her other than friendship (he dated her and found out what she's like to date). He's probably thinking you should know how he feels and can't figure out why it would bother you because he is being innocent with good intentions.

 

However, his best friend is a cheater and that would be the problem I personally would have with this. I couldn't care less if they're best friends but no sleeping over her house because she can't be trusted like that. He'd have to understand that she is who she is and certain things are fine but others aren't.

 

Telling someone that you should be their best friend and lover both? That's controlling and verging on abuse territory. It's what people hope to be but it's not a reasonable thing to ask from someone who already has a best friend. And threatening to break off a relationship if someone doesn't ditch another person from their life who was there before you is controlling.

 

If you came into this relationship knowing he had a best friend who he confides in and helps out, you can't ask him to change personalities for you and ditch someone. I know you want him to understand how you feel about this but please, do yourself a favor and keep your head straight about what is appropriate and what isn't.

 

He dated her. They didn't last but what did last is their friendship. He may cherish the friendship they took a strange road getting to. Maybe this is how things work for them - as friends. He might be quite happy with where they are now.

 

I also wouldn't trust the way she's trying too hard to lean on him when she's having problems with her current boyfriend. She needs to work those out with her boyfriend and your boyfriend sleeping over will certainly not help that situation! In regards to your boyfriend and losing his dog and her comforting him? While she's having problems with her boyfriend? He's vulnerable right now. She's a cheater. I'm glad he decided to go home. It's the right thing to do in this situation.

 

He may want to start considering another person for a best friend who is more trustworthy because this one has problems that are going to cause him problems. If he can learn to put boundaries out there, lines drawn firmly in the sand with her that she can't ever cross, you'll be fine. Will he do that?