Blueribbon Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Hi I posted few weeks ago about if it was ok to ask questions when you are in an open relationship and after many replies I found the courage to ask him what was the status on this . This is how it went He asked me out and I say I'm sorry this is not working for me anymore. He said what do you mean ? I said well we are in different pages don't get me wrong I like you since day 1 but I can't be your sex friend all my life . Now this was his response: I thought we were trying to spend more time together on the weekend. Let's do no sex things together then see how we are. We know each other for so many years and get along so good. It seems stupid not to try. Then like nothing he changed the conversation asking me about my diving classes. WTF !! Just happen?? What does that mean. Am I the only one thinking we are trying to have a relationship here ?? Or what please help me again:(
ascendotum Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I don't fully understand your question. I guess you think people in open relationships only have one gf/wide/bf/husband and the rest are all ONS/Flings. I'd say that is more often the case, but its still entirely possible to have a long term fwb style relationship with someone else while in an open relationship. It probably happens less often especially with women as it would be like an affair with little hope of them leaving their partner for you, but it could still work for a year or so as long as the other 3rd person was willing to be 3rd person (or they were in a relationship and cheating). It does not just have to be sex based, but more often than not I say it would be. It depends on the guidelines the couple came up with. I'm sure most open couples would be wary of their partner getting involved with someone on a deeper emotional level. They would rather their partner just have sex than spend time with them going out to dinner & a show or having deep personal conversations while cuddling on the couch. The way he is approaching this with you I'd say he really likes you so is accommodating your reluctance by going slow and with the time you spend together he can win you over and you'll feel good about it and it will in effect be just like a FWB relationship for you.
TheBathWater Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Hi I posted few weeks ago about if it was ok to ask questions when you are in an open relationship and after many replies I found the courage to ask him what was the status on this . This is how it went He asked me out and I say I'm sorry this is not working for me anymore. He said what do you mean ? I said well we are in different pages don't get me wrong I like you since day 1 but I can't be your sex friend all my life . Now this was his response: I thought we were trying to spend more time together on the weekend. Let's do no sex things together then see how we are. We know each other for so many years and get along so good. It seems stupid not to try. Then like nothing he changed the conversation asking me about my diving classes. WTF !! Just happen?? What does that mean. Am I the only one thinking we are trying to have a relationship here ?? Or what please help me again:( My initial reaction to this is that just because he says "let's do non-sex things" does not mean he wants to elevate your relationship with him to exclusive or even primary partner status. It means what he says it means: he is not just into you for the sex. It is possible for two people to have an intimate relationship outside of sexual activity and still be relegated in apposition to another 'primary' relationship. Are you desiring a particular kind of relationship status with this person? If you want something other than what they are capable of giving, I would consider other options. From your post, what I glean is that you're not happy with the current situation. I tried an open relationship once. Never again. It was a complete mind****. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 In a nutshell, an open relationship is where one couple commit to one another and share a life together, but are free to conjoin with other people on a purely sexual level. Sometimes these conjoinings become friendly and repeated, but are not intended to threaten or de-stabilise the "main" relationship. Generally, if something occurs to upset the balance, the partner affected will sever ties with the distraction, talk to their significant and most-important other and they'll examine the dynamics and work together accordingly to re-stabilise and establish their relationship as of primary importance. This is all in total Theory. In practice, as TunaInTheBrine so succinctly puts it, the whole situation can become an emotional minestrone and total mindf**k. It's not uncommon for people to agree to launch into 'open relationships'. It's very rare that they work as outlined in the Theoretical format I gave, above. It's far more common that it all becomes a total nightmare, and people inevitably get hurt, because emotions don't connect with theories very well.... 2
Author Blueribbon Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 I'm a little more confused now yesterday that I spoke to him I was indeed "breaking up " with this I was clear and I told him I'm sorry I don't want to be your sex friend anymore. He kinda freak out and what intrigues me more is that he says he is not with me for the sex that he wants to try . But try what ? I know is my fault not asking him what he meant. I honestly wasn't expecting that response but right now I don't know if we are going to try to have something or we are just friends. How can I approach this to him without sounding needy I do t want to scare him or making him think that I want him to commit right away.
central Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 It sounds like he values you as a friend, whether or not there is sex involved. Are you okay with being a friend, or do you want a serious (not just FWB) relationship? Ask him to clarify, and clarify what you meant if he doesn't understand. This should be a very clear and honest conversation - don't make assumptions!
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm a little more confused now yesterday that I spoke to him I was indeed "breaking up " with this I was clear and I told him I'm sorry I don't want to be your sex friend anymore. He kinda freak out and what intrigues me more is that he says he is not with me for the sex that he wants to try . But try what ? I know is my fault not asking him what he meant. I honestly wasn't expecting that response but right now I don't know if we are going to try to have something or we are just friends. How can I approach this to him without sounding needy I do t want to scare him or making him think that I want him to commit right away. I don't think you should approach him at all, for anything, any longer. When it's unclear what people mean, it's evidence that even they're not sure what they want. Go No Contact. Seriously. Do not engage with this man any more, he just deals you mindf**k after mindf**k. You really don't need that kind of liaison. You don't even really need that kind of friend. I think he has an agenda, but you keep spoiling his plans by backing off. Well blow his damn plans out of the water completely, by resisting all attempts at Contact, and move on.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Hi I posted few weeks ago about if it was ok to ask questions when you are in an open relationship and after many replies I found the courage to ask him what was the status on this . This is how it went He asked me out and I say I'm sorry this is not working for me anymore. He said what do you mean ? I said well we are in different pages don't get me wrong I like you since day 1 but I can't be your sex friend all my life . Now this was his response: I thought we were trying to spend more time together on the weekend. Let's do no sex things together then see how we are. We know each other for so many years and get along so good. It seems stupid not to try. Then like nothing he changed the conversation asking me about my diving classes. WTF !! Just happen?? What does that mean. Am I the only one thinking we are trying to have a relationship here ?? Or what please help me again:( I don't think you are clear in your head about what you want and don't know exactly what he wants. If you want a real, long-term committed relationship tell him that. And, he will tell you what he wants for himself. He offered to take sex off the table. That is a respectful approach to your confrontational statement. You two need to have a light, non-confrontational conversation about what you each want for yourselves. If he wants an open relationship and you knew that, and that's not what you want, you should have bowed out right then. You cannot make a relationship with someone with whom you are not on the same page and usually cannot make it go that way if you want to or change your mind later. You cannot get into another boat in mid-stream without getting wet.
Author Blueribbon Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 I'm speechless What do I do !!!! Awwww need help here . So I go full no contact ? In the other hand I keep thinking what he said that he knows me for a long time that is stupid not to try . Am I fooling myself? Probably I heard what I wanted to hear
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm speechless What do I do !!!! Awwww need help here . So I go full no contact ? In the other hand I keep thinking what he said that he knows me for a long time that is stupid not to try . Am I fooling myself? Probably I heard what I wanted to hear You are not making sense here. -- I thought we were trying to spend more time together on the weekend. Let's do no sex things together then see how we are. We know each other for so many years and get along so good. It seems stupid not to try. You told this man you wanted to be more than a sex buddy and have a relationship. He said let's take sex off the table and give it a try. He wants to date you properly without sex and try to see if you can have a real relationship. Why would you go no contact? Talk to him for crying out loud.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm speechless Good. That's No Contact in a nutshell.... What do I do !!!! Awwww need help here . You've had help. Plenty of it. Both in this thread and in your last one. 5 pages of "Dump him, he owes you nothing, you're not exclusive, he's a player, but after all this time if nothing has been established, nothing ever will be, he will never be yours and only yours." So I go full no contact ? Yes. You got it. Absolutely. Unequivocally. Totally. Completely. Affirmative. Definitely. Agreed. Yup. And How. In the other hand I keep thinking what he said that he knows me for a long time that is stupid not to try . Try what? he is not even on the same book as you, let alone the same page. he doesn't want to commit or be exclusive. Stop trying to pin him down with something permanent and exclusive (in your head) when he's made it repeatedly, abundantly clear that what he's thinking is casual, happy-go-lucky, no-strings-attached (in his head). Am I fooling myself? Yes. You got it. Absolutely. Unequivocally. Totally. Completely. Affirmative. Definitely. Agreed. Yup. And How. Probably I heard what I wanted to hear But...nobody has once even said what you WANTED to hear.... all you heard was what your deluded emotions were telling you. If I'm going to be blunt, I'm astonished at the level of your desperation, lack of self-esteem and insecurity. I believe you really need to work on yourself, before you ever even think of embarking on a relationship with anyone. because some bits of you 'need fixing'. And it's totally unreasonable to expect, or want a relationship to do that.
Author Blueribbon Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 To redhair14 I'm sorry but Taramaden2 says to go no contact to ignore him and to move on . Anyone gets confused:/
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 You are not making sense here. -- I thought we were trying to spend more time together on the weekend. Let's do no sex things together then see how we are. We know each other for so many years and get along so good. It seems stupid not to try. You told this man you wanted to be more than a sex buddy and have a relationship. He said let's take sex off the table and give it a try. He wants to date you properly without sex and try to see if you can have a real relationship. That's not a real relationship. That's basically what they've been doing for the last 10 years. being platonic friends. All they would be doing is going back to square one, just more often.... Why would you go no contact? Talk to him for crying out loud. Talking has achieved nothing except just more confusion. It's time to quit the chat, and act. Go No Contact. She will soon find out - from his actions - just what this is all about.
smackie9 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm speechless What do I do !!!! Awwww need help here . So I go full no contact ? In the other hand I keep thinking what he said that he knows me for a long time that is stupid not to try . Am I fooling myself? Probably I heard what I wanted to hear What do you do????? You tell him what your expectations and needs are, and then you tell him if he can't fulfill them here and now, you MUST move on, you are not going to do the wait and see crap that he had suggested. It's either going to be a committed relationship or not. Just be firm about it. If he skirts around about it tell that he is not listening....yes or no that's it....you need clarification. As for the other posts, it's all assumptions, not hard facts. Your answers can only come from him. 2
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