Mylife Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I am posting a lot here today it seems! So my bf and I have been together for just over a year and we had some pretty rough times on and off at the beginning of this year, we have worked things out and it has been good since. His sister got married last week, he was very involved in all the events as he is very close to his sister, their relationship is very beautiful. I was invited to all the events too, helped as much as I could, sat at the head table with him and everything, it was a great wedding. Sis and him both lived at home and she is obviously moving out now and I don't think he is taking that too well, he has gotten very quiet since the weekend, said that things are going to be so different, is quite sad about it admittedly. I know I need to give him time and let him be, but it is so hard to do so, I want him to feel better and understand that she is only less than 10 min drive away from him. That is the first issue. Second thing is through this wedding I met all of his family and obviously the typical thing for everyone to say, "Oh you are next!". He did mention that it was getting annoying, yes it was, and scary too. Because we have been through a lot of rough patches that we are working on, its just not something we have explicitly said to each other. Yes, he has said I want to wake up with you every morning and that he can see his future and his life with me, but they have been said in our "romantic moments", we do have a lot of those too. But it hasn't been "officially said" that "Babe I want to marry you"! But the whole world expects us to and sees us as the "forever" type. So I am worried now that all of this has got him thinking, that oh are we really next, is she the one, is this it? Which has also led to him being quiet maybe, what if he is unsure all of a sudden? We have been intimate and romantic Friday night in the hotel after the wedding, he came over and spend a lot of time at my place on Sunday too, we were intimate then too. He hasn't said anything, but I feel like maybe I just think too much and try to analyse why he is so quiet and so distant...he has said he is just feeling blah after the wedding, and drained. He ran around to do stuff a lot... Last thing, he had a few dreams Saturday night, once all the wedding stuff was done. One of them we had broken up and he was with another random made up girl and he was sad, he said it was a very scary thought and a very scary dream. And he had a dream that his sister was having some married life problems, though her now hubby is amazing towards her and loves her unconditionally, bf and him get along very very well. So am I just worrying for no reason? Just so many things are concerning me today and I would really like for him to just feel better too, if only there were something I could do, other than give him time. The wait is the worst! Long post! Sorry!
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 What were the issues that caused so many rough patches early in the relationship? And what steps have been taken to correct them? I think that's relevant because the past does influence the present and future, especially if it wasn't so long ago. I would imagine he's bummed about his sister moving on. As you said, you need to give him time to process it. He probably won't really want to talk about it, but you can make it known that you're happy to listen if he wants to chat. Other than that, I would continue on as normal. If you see nothing has changed in a couple weeks, address it with him.
Author Mylife Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 What were the issues that caused so many rough patches early in the relationship? And what steps have been taken to correct them? I think that's relevant because the past does influence the present and future, especially if it wasn't so long ago. I would imagine he's bummed about his sister moving on. As you said, you need to give him time to process it. He probably won't really want to talk about it, but you can make it known that you're happy to listen if he wants to chat. Other than that, I would continue on as normal. If you see nothing has changed in a couple weeks, address it with him. Oh there were a few things, here and there. If I start writing about them, I may just get too emotional. But let me try to give you an idea, may be long. - way in the beginning we felt we didn't have many common interests (we have started a weekly dance lesson, started watching some shows together, go out and try out new restaurants...doesn't seem like it has been too much of an issue since) - he is more intellectual than I am, so a bit of an intellectual compatibility issue (I read a lot more now random articles, listen to the news daily and try to be more up to date on current events, this one hasn't come up again for quite a long while too). - I am pretty clueless about pop culture, he knows quite a lot about it. (This one I just ask him when he refers to celebrity or someone I don't know and he tells me about them) - We have a different sense of humour (he has very dry humour, that I am slowly now understanding and getting his jokes, its gotten much better.) - He is very straightforward and jokes a lot and had a fear that his jokes may hurt me at some point and a few have here and there for which he has felt terrible. He keeps saying he should just not joke with me at and that he should change that about himself, I have told him that he doesn't need to change anything, just a few topics may be sensitive. He didn't agree, but I guess that one was an agree to disagree one, he still jokes around with me and is sensitive when he should be. - We sometimes run out of things to talk about and haven't gotten to the point of comfortable silence yet, that causes anxiety in me sometimes when we are together and it more of a, "so, what else is going on" kinda convo. That is something we are still working on. - Feb, March and the beginning of April were terrible months for us, we had a huge blow up once in each of those months, where there was a lot of crying a huge fear of loosing the other and just being so unsure of what to do. We didn't yell or fight or blame, just more of "why are we going through this, why are we thinking like this" and that "I really don't want to loose you". It has been a lot a lot better since, not perfect, but for sure a lot better. These are the few issues here and there that I can remember. We have worked through them and said that we do want to be with each other. These situations have really helped us grow and understand each other too...but I guess like to said the past can cause fears.
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) I am posting a lot here today it seems! So my bf and I have been together for just over a year and we had some pretty rough times on and off at the beginning of this year, we have worked things out and it has been good since. His sister got married last week, he was very involved in all the events as he is very close to his sister, their relationship is very beautiful. I was invited to all the events too, helped as much as I could, sat at the head table with him and everything, it was a great wedding. Sis and him both lived at home and she is obviously moving out now and I don't think he is taking that too well, he has gotten very quiet since the weekend, said that things are going to be so different, is quite sad about it admittedly. I know I need to give him time and let him be, but it is so hard to do so, I want him to feel better and understand that she is only less than 10 min drive away from him. That is the first issue. Second thing is through this wedding I met all of his family and obviously the typical thing for everyone to say, "Oh you are next!". He did mention that it was getting annoying, yes it was, and scary too. Because we have been through a lot of rough patches that we are working on, its just not something we have explicitly said to each other. Yes, he has said I want to wake up with you every morning and that he can see his future and his life with me, but they have been said in our "romantic moments", we do have a lot of those too. But it hasn't been "officially said" that "Babe I want to marry you"! But the whole world expects us to and sees us as the "forever" type. So I am worried now that all of this has got him thinking, that oh are we really next, is she the one, is this it? Which has also led to him being quiet maybe, what if he is unsure all of a sudden? We have been intimate and romantic Friday night in the hotel after the wedding, he came over and spend a lot of time at my place on Sunday too, we were intimate then too. He hasn't said anything, but I feel like maybe I just think too much and try to analyse why he is so quiet and so distant...he has said he is just feeling blah after the wedding, and drained. He ran around to do stuff a lot... Last thing, he had a few dreams Saturday night, once all the wedding stuff was done. One of them we had broken up and he was with another random made up girl and he was sad, he said it was a very scary thought and a very scary dream. And he had a dream that his sister was having some married life problems, though her now hubby is amazing towards her and loves her unconditionally, bf and him get along very very well. So am I just worrying for no reason? Just so many things are concerning me today and I would really like for him to just feel better too, if only there were something I could do, other than give him time. The wait is the worst! Long post! Sorry! You betcha. This wedding thing is giving him pause for thought about your relationship and where it's going. And, the outside pressure is making him pull back a little. Sometimes, this will push a man to one side or the other. I'd let him have a little space. Reach out to him occasionally in a light and supportive way and don't mention your relationship. Let this rest for a little while. Oftentimes, if everything has been good in the relationship, they will come forth with a marriage proposal especially since you've been together so long Don't bet on it though. Just be patient and upbeat. Edited June 17, 2015 by Redhead14
aloneinaz Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm guessing your both in your early 20's? If this is the case, he may be wondering if he wants to settle down so young, coupled with the fact that there are some compatibility issues between the two of you. I've never thought people need to share all the same interests but you should have some that you both really enjoy. What you described in the differences between you could become bigger issues down the road. IDK, I think often that young people really need to "try on" and have many different relationship before they settle down into marriage. As the divorce rate proves, most couples who only have 1-3 relationships or sexual partners before marriage end in divorce. I knew several high school couples that married w/out having any other partners. Most of those marriages ended while they were in their 20's. One if not both got bored and wanted more experiences in life. They wanted to sow their oats. I think you and him need to really, really review the health of that relationship and you over all compatibility. The fact that you're posting this hear demonstrates great concern on your part.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Oh there were a few things, here and there. If I start writing about them, I may just get too emotional. But let me try to give you an idea, may be long. - way in the beginning we felt we didn't have many common interests (we have started a weekly dance lesson, started watching some shows together, go out and try out new restaurants...doesn't seem like it has been too much of an issue since) - he is more intellectual than I am, so a bit of an intellectual compatibility issue (I read a lot more now random articles, listen to the news daily and try to be more up to date on current events, this one hasn't come up again for quite a long while too). - I am pretty clueless about pop culture, he knows quite a lot about it. (This one I just ask him when he refers to celebrity or someone I don't know and he tells me about them) - We have a different sense of humour (he has very dry humour, that I am slowly now understanding and getting his jokes, its gotten much better.) - He is very straightforward and jokes a lot and had a fear that his jokes may hurt me at some point and a few have here and there for which he has felt terrible. He keeps saying he should just not joke with me at and that he should change that about himself, I have told him that he doesn't need to change anything, just a few topics may be sensitive. He didn't agree, but I guess that one was an agree to disagree one, he still jokes around with me and is sensitive when he should be. - We sometimes run out of things to talk about and haven't gotten to the point of comfortable silence yet, that causes anxiety in me sometimes when we are together and it more of a, "so, what else is going on" kinda convo. That is something we are still working on. - Feb, March and the beginning of April were terrible months for us, we had a huge blow up once in each of those months, where there was a lot of crying a huge fear of loosing the other and just being so unsure of what to do. We didn't yell or fight or blame, just more of "why are we going through this, why are we thinking like this" and that "I really don't want to loose you". It has been a lot a lot better since, not perfect, but for sure a lot better. These are the few issues here and there that I can remember. We have worked through them and said that we do want to be with each other. These situations have really helped us grow and understand each other too...but I guess like to said the past can cause fears. Honestly speaking, I think there are deeper compatibility problems here. It sounds like you're trying to become someone you're not, and prove to him that you're on "his level." Who pointed out these problems, you or him? 2
mystikmind2005 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Honestly speaking, I think there are deeper compatibility problems here. It sounds like you're trying to become someone you're not, and prove to him that you're on "his level." Who pointed out these problems, you or him? In other words - Looks like a pretty typical relationship! Not really anything screaming red flag here, as far as i can tell?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 In other words - Looks like a pretty typical relationship! Not really anything screaming red flag here, as far as i can tell? I disagree. You shouldn't need to be changing who you are to suit someone else. They either accept you or they don't. Finding some common interests, I'm all for it. Trying to become more "intellectual" or "informed" hints at a problem, as it sounds like one partner may have pointed out that the other isn't what they had hoped. That's how I'm reading this, anyway. 3
Author Mylife Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Well these intellectual compatibility issues were brought up by me, as have the pop culture stuff. They have always been an insecurity of mine that I am not well read and that I am not witty or street smart. I cant just crack a joke or at times understand jokes too well. I talk well and am not really shy or anything, but I am just more simple, innocent and have lead a very sheltered life. So a lot stemmed from me. But like I said its been good. I had a talk with him today...just getting home from dinner with him. I asked him about us and this wedding snd how he feels. He says that yes he has been thinking and says that it isnt that he has doubts but he says that he wants to fully understand me before he moves to the next step. He says he is too fearful of stories people tell him of how people change after marriage and how things change so he says of he fully understood all about me he would knoe it is time to move to the next step. He asked me if I were with another guy would I have been the same as I am with him. I said yes, I would stay true to my values but relationship dynamics are so different with everyone. He said he wonders if parts of me have just been molded to adapt to him...I said that yes people do change stuff in relationships and just until they feel like they are improving in some way, its not a bad thing. Well it didnt seem to hit home with him. He said its not that he has doubts and he knows no one can keep him happier or care for him as much as I do...but he has trouble fully understanding me and it worries him a bit. I dont get what he means fully to be honest and he says he finds it hard to explain. Well he is 30 and I am 26, so its not like eitheer of us want to be dating around or be in a fling. We are pretty serious about this and eachother.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 OP, I would proceed cautiously. It sounds like he indeed loves and cares about you, but is questioning your deeper compatibility. He senses that you've changed for him and asking if you'd be the same with another guy is a little odd. I think he wonders who you really are and what truly makes you tick. So, how would you answer those questions: What do you enjoy? What are your hobbies or interests? Has this changed since you met him? How have you expressed your insecurities to him? It's clearly troubling enough to him that he has withdrawn a bit. 1
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