Multi-dating: How do you do it?

[HereNorThere]

I argue that people who date multiple people at the same time don't know themselves very well, don't manage their time very well, are typically boring people, are typically secretive and manipulative, and typically very good at making excuses.

 

 

Can you at least give us some insight into why you infer this about about people because I don't understand where you would come up with an idea like this.

 

People who go on dates with more than one person don't "know themselves?"

It just sounds odd to me because my experience has been the quite the opposite. I've found that the most introspective people are usually the ones mature enough to date without having crazy high expectations and/or commitments from someone they just met. Unless you have weird religious/cultish beliefs that prohibit you from doing what you would like, it just seems odd to me.

 

I've never once gone on a first date and afterwards thought to myself "that girl better know she can't have dinner with anyone else until she rejects me in writing, preferably notarized." In fact, I've never known anyone who thought that they had some sort of obligation to someone after hanging out a couple of times.

 

Don't manage their time well? I mean, where do I even start with that one. What does time management have to do with this concept. If anything, someone who can manage going on dates with more than one person is already demonstrating some sort of time management. It's just simple math that would show 2 people are harder to schedule meeting up with than just 1.

 

Boring people? I mean, obviously they aren't too boring if multiple people want to hang out with them, but really, I don't know how you could infer whether or not someone is boring by whether or not they had pizza with more than one person in the past month.

 

Secretive, manipulative, etc. No, not unless they are lying about it. Sure, if they are withholding information from you, but nearly every "multi-dating" person here has advocated for being ethical and honest.

 

Something tells me that you have either A) have some sort of man-made rules that you have to follow (i.e religion) B) don't have that many options C) scare people off by assuming there is some sort of commitment to someone you've only hung out with a few times

 

You definitely have some sort of agenda, biased or romantic issues that you need to sort out. I can't imagine it would be healthy to be this co-dependent/clingy/possessive.

[Gary S]

Multi-dating can have several benefits... it can help people who aren't the savviest daters in the world, save time, and it can also reduce the sting of rejection when you have another to fall back on if one rejects you.

 

Do keep in mind that some peeps with great relationship skills only date one at a time.... they rarely have more than a few dates without it going into a relationship. They know what they want and don't want very quickly when they meet a person and don't waffle.

 

With all the ways there are to meet people, multi-dating might be passe these days - for example, if a person is not beauty-challenged and online dating savvy, some could put up a profile and get a date any given week.

 

So multi-dating is an option for some, but not the only way to go.

 

 

I agree with most of what has been said in this thread so far. However, I would think that if you were serious enough with someone to be having sex, I'm not sure multi-dating serves much purpose at that point? I mean, how much more serious can you get?

[HereNorThere]

I agree with most of what has been said in this thread so far. However, I would think that if you were serious enough with someone to be having sex, I'm not sure multi-dating serves much purpose at that point? I mean, how much more serious can you get?

 

Sex may be serious to you, but there are plenty of people capable of having casual sex or okay with being a friends with benefits. Are you older? Could it be a generational thing? It seems like you are confusing sex, love and commitment. I get that some people aren't emotionally equipped or have a moral dilemma when it comes it comes to sex, but in this day and age, I meet more people who are okay with casual sex than aren't.

 

I mean, with all the hook up apps like tinder, grindr, etc and online dating in general, it's much, much, much easier to have to find a sexual partner than it is to find a person willing to commit to you. This is especially true for for women, but there's a high percentage of guys in the same boat.

 

OP, if you meet a guy and he's all randy for sex right off that bat, you know he's probably of low value. For most somewhat attractive people, having sex is as simple as scrolling through their contacts. Sex isn't that important to them because that part is actually easy. Finding someone to share your life with is much harder. A man of real value realizes this and doesn't jeopardize a budding relationship to get laid. A thirsty, low value opportunist will push for sex, but not someone who has options.

[Gary S]

Yeah, you have a point. Unfortunately, a person does not have to be in love to have sex.

[Redhead14]

Or just a "player.". I dunno maybe that's the same thing?

 

Probably...

 

In my book a player is a multi-dater and multi-sexual, which makes them promiscuous.

[katiegrl]

Sex may be serious to you, but there are plenty of people capable of having casual sex or okay with being a friends with benefits. Are you older? Could it be a generational thing? It seems like you are confusing sex, love and commitment. I get that some people aren't emotionally equipped or have a moral dilemma when it comes it comes to sex, but in this day and age, I meet more people who are okay with casual sex than aren't.

 

I mean, with all the hook up apps like tinder, grindr, etc and online dating in general, it's much, much, much easier to have to find a sexual partner than it is to find a person willing to commit to you. This is especially true for for women, but there's a high percentage of guys in the same boat.

 

OP, if you meet a guy and he's all randy for sex right off that bat, you know he's probably of low value. For most somewhat attractive people, having sex is as simple as scrolling through their contacts. Sex isn't that important to them because that part is actually easy. Finding someone to share your life with is much harder. A man of real value realizes this and doesn't jeopardize a budding relationship to get laid. A thirsty, low value opportunist will push for sex, but not someone who has options.

 

You are right...there are many people who behave this way.

 

 

These people are NOT looking for a relationship....THAT is the difference.

 

 

When a man or woman is looking for a "relationship" as opposed to casual hook ups (sex)....they behave differently and they DO consider having sex with a woman (or man) to be something special and cherished.

 

 

And once they do meet that somone, he will focus on her, to the exclusion of others, become sexual....until such time they both realize there is something deeper between them that they wish to pursue (or not) - at that point they become boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

 

What you are describing above are player types....not to be confused with those wishing to multi-date until such time they find someone they connect with.... emotionally, mentally, physically.

 

 

Again once they do, he (if we are talking about a man) will focus on her and only her...become sexual with her...and only her.

Edited June 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[callingyouuu]

I can only date one person at a time, and I don't see that as a bad thing. I've learned my romantic feelings just aren't wired to handle being divided between more than one person, and that's ok.

 

The disadvantage of this is that the relationship dynamic between myself and a multi-dater who takes it beyond 2-3 dates probably wouldn't work out. I invest a lot of energy into my relationships, and generally I'm more compatible with other people who see progression of relationships the same way.

[HereNorThere]

You are right...there are many people who behave this way.

 

 

These people are NOT looking for a relationship....THAT is the difference.

 

 

When a man or woman is looking for a "relationship" as opposed to casual hook ups (sex)....they behave differently and they DO consider having sex with a woman (or man) to be something special and cherished.

 

 

And once they do meet that somone, he will focus on her, to the exclusion of others, become sexual....until such time they both realize there is something deeper between them that they wish to pursue (or not) - at that point they become boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

 

What you are describing above are player types....not to be confused with those wishing to multi-date until such time they find someone they connect with.... emotionally, mentally, physically.

 

 

Again once they do, he (if we are talking about a man) will focus on her and only her...become sexual with her...and only her.

 

I think it's ridiculous to think that all people who have engaged in a FWB arrangement are players. I know plenty of respectful, loyal, honest people in life who aren't "players" as you put it, but don't have time to pursue a true relationship and/or have other obligations in life that keep them from it. They may desire a relationship, but it just may not be practical for them to make a major commitment at the time. There is no Universal law as to what a defines a relationship nor is there anything wrong with this type of arrangement as long as it's mutually agreed upon.

 

My good friend dated one of his co-workers (who also happened to be a grad student) that was on a one year contract before she was moving out of the country. They both liked each and enjoyed the company, but both knew she was leaving at the end of the year and agreed that a long distance relationship wasn't something they wanted to embark upon. Both were upfront and honest with each other, treated each other with respect, had some amazing (and annoyingly loud) sex and fun times as FWB, went their separate ways at the of her contract and still remain friends til this day. There was no lying, manipulation, or being a player involved. Just two consenting adults at a part of their life where a full blown relationship wasn't practical for them.

 

To me, it sounds like you are slut-shaming. Not every woman that wants to have sex without a relationship is a slut nor every male a player. There's nothing immoral about sex. As long as each person has their needs met and their no deception, there is no problem. If it doesn't meet your own personal code of conduct, that's okay as well. However, that's just the way you feel about it. It doesn't change the fact there truly is nothing wrong with it. I will admit that some people are not emotionally equipped or mature enough to handle sex in this way, but no one else should be shamed just because it's not something everyone can handle.

Edited June 19, 2015 by HereNorThere

[katiegrl]

I think it's ridiculous to think that all people who have engaged in a FWB arrangement are players. I know plenty of respectful, loyal, honest people in life who aren't "players" as you put it, but don't have time to pursue a true relationship and/or have other obligations in life that keep them from it. They may desire a relationship, but it just may not be practical for them to make a major commitment at the time. There is no Universal law as to what a defines a relationship nor is there anything wrong with this type of arrangement as long as it's mutually agreed upon.

 

My good friend dated one of his co-workers (who also happened to be a grad student) that was on a one year contract before she was moving out of the country. They both liked each and enjoyed the company, but both knew she was leaving at the end of the year and agreed that a long distance relationship wasn't something they wanted to embark upon. Both were upfront and honest with each other, treated each other with respect, had some amazing (and annoyingly loud) sex and fun times as FWB, went their separate ways at the of her contract and still remain friends til this day. There was no lying, manipulation, or being a player involved. Just two consenting adults at a part of their life where a full blown relationship wasn't practical for them.

 

To me, it sounds like you are slut-shaming. Not every woman that wants to have sex without a relationship is a slut nor every male a player. There's nothing immoral about sex. As long as each person has their needs met and their no deception, there is no problem. If it doesn't meet your own personal code of conduct, that's okay as well. However, that's just the way you feel about it. It doesn't change the fact there truly is nothing wrong with it. I will admit that some people are not emotionally equipped or mature enough to handle sex in this way, but no one else should be shamed just because it's not something everyone can handle.

 

I agree, I see nothing wrong with FWBs either...but I was talking about someone juggling several FWBs at the same time... or any many as they have time for (multi-sexual).

 

Not judging to each his own...but IMO if someone (man or woman) is having sex with several people simultaneously (FWBs for FBs or whatever), and looking for even more people to have sex with (more FBs)...well that person "would" be a "player" (for lack of a better word) in my world.

 

If not in your world then fine, I respect that.

 

That said...if you are talking about someone having one FWB or perhaps even two that he/she focuses on, then that's different. I understand that. Many people DO NOT want a "relationship" but love sex...so no those people would not be players (or sluts as you suggested I was calling the women, which I was not).

[JJCaliGirl]

I think it's ridiculous to think that all people who have engaged in a FWB arrangement are players. I know plenty of respectful, loyal, honest people in life who aren't "players" as you put it, but don't have time to pursue a true relationship and/or have other obligations in life that keep them from it. They may desire a relationship, but it just may not be practical for them to make a major commitment at the time. There is no Universal law as to what a defines a relationship nor is there anything wrong with this type of arrangement as long as it's mutually agreed upon.

 

My good friend dated one of his co-workers (who also happened to be a grad student) that was on a one year contract before she was moving out of the country. They both liked each and enjoyed the company, but both knew she was leaving at the end of the year and agreed that a long distance relationship wasn't something they wanted to embark upon. Both were upfront and honest with each other, treated each other with respect, had some amazing (and annoyingly loud) sex and fun times as FWB, went their separate ways at the of her contract and still remain friends til this day. There was no lying, manipulation, or being a player involved. Just two consenting adults at a part of their life where a full blown relationship wasn't practical for them.

 

To me, it sounds like you are slut-shaming. Not every woman that wants to have sex without a relationship is a slut nor every male a player. There's nothing immoral about sex. As long as each person has their needs met and their no deception, there is no problem. If it doesn't meet your own personal code of conduct, that's okay as well. However, that's just the way you feel about it. It doesn't change the fact there truly is nothing wrong with it. I will admit that some people are not emotionally equipped or mature enough to handle sex in this way, but no one else should be shamed just because it's not something everyone can handle.

 

I'm more wired like Katie when it comes to relationships, but I understand where you are coming from. I think what makes you both right is being clear about expectations and have open communication. Is someone who establishes a FWB relationship with someone a bad person? Nope! Are there people out there who just want sex with no expectations? Yup!

 

For me, I could never have a FWB relationship because I'm monogamous when it comes to sex which even extends to dating. If I'm having sex with someone even if we don't say we're exclusive, I'm not having dating more than just that person.

[HereNorThere]

No matter how many sexual partners someone has, I don't think you would consider someone a "player" unless they're sleeping with these people under false pretenses. A player is a manipulative, opportunistic person who leads people to believe that he/she wants a committed relationship, but is truly just looking for sex or some other resource like money. In my opinion, they're bottom feeders who turn people good, kind hearted people into jaded, broken people. I guess that's why I get passionate and defensive when I think people are being undeservedly labeled that when they haven't done anything to warrant it.

 

To be quite honest, I'm more in the camp with you guys. Since I'm not religious, I have no moral issue it with it, but I don't like the risk factors involved involved like pregnancy, sti/stds, etc. Plus, now that I am a little bit older, successful in my career and things like that, sex isn't something that I view as scarce resource. Like I said, it's always just a phone call away. I wish finding a long-term, loyal, loving, committed partner was as easy as finding someone for a quick romp in the hay.