Multi-dating: How do you do it?

[TheBathWater]

Straight forward question, but I'm yet to find any answers that make it seem doable for me. So, in an attempt to sort out my position on the issue and consider it further, I pose some questions for all to answer:

 

1. Do you ever acknowledge to your date that you are seeing other people?

 

2. Do you ever feel conflicted after having a great date with one person but then going out to see someone else?

 

3. How do you manage multiple feelings for multiple people? Have you ever felt in hindsight that if only you had focused on one person you would have better realized your compatibility?

 

4. How do you handle partners who obviously are only seeing you, but you are seeing other people? Do you tell them?

 

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex?

 

6. How do you manage to separate your feelings from sexual acts, especially when you may be having feelings for multiple people?

[Versacehottie]

Here's appropriate way to handle in my opinion:

1. Do you ever acknowledge to your date that you are seeing other people?

Yes when he/she asks, when having the talk or if you feel he/she is getting attached much faster than you are and it would be the fair thing to do. Otherwise no.

2. Do you ever feel conflicted after having a great date with one person but then going out to see someone else?

Yes surely that happens but I think if anything it makes the answer of who you really want to be with become very clear without perceived availability greatly coloring the game since you will be less available due to dating others.

 

3. How do you manage multiple feelings for multiple people? Have you ever felt in hindsight that if only you had focused on one person you would have better realized your compatibility? To your first question, I feel like the answer of who you truly have feelings for emerges more quickly so it's not like you multi-date indefinitely. To your second question, generally no. Because you have to assume they are also dating others until you have the talk and even if they aren't it's foolish to assume you have reached that level of commitment until it's discussed just because they aren't. If you know your worth and actively want to find a bf/gf, it's the best way--if you can manage your feelings. Cream rises to the top and you place less importance, which comes off as clinginess, on the other person.

 

4. How do you handle partners who obviously are only seeing you, but you are seeing other people? Do you tell them? Act ethically. Treat people as you would want to be treated. Manage expectations without being too specific as that is hurtful. I think that people get a vibe when someone is not 100% focused on only them and have other options. Actually it's a good test in a way because it roots out super jealous or unstable people. Again act ethically. If they are getting too attached because you are leading them in that direction and to believe they are the only one, you owe it to them to speak about expectations.

 

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex? Don't sleep with more than one person even when multi-dating. And of course as always make sure you know what person you are sleeping with is doing and protect yourself. Multi-dating is a short term strategy.

 

6. How do you manage to separate your feelings from sexual acts, especially when you may be having feelings for multiple people? I think the answer of who you want to be with and move forward with reveals itself pretty quickly with this, particularly if you are female.

I think the answer of who you want to be with and move forward with reveals itself pretty quickly with this, particularly if you are female.

[fitnessfan365]

I multi-date initially.

 

But here's the thing. I keep all dates public and only have sex with the woman I decide to solely focus on. So let's say I have 3-4 women in rotation. I'll give each of them up to five dates. I mean anyone can have a few great dates based on initial attraction. But what ends up usually happening? They sleep together, are driven by lust, and when infatuation wears off they realize they aren't a good fit.

 

I find that by taking sex out of the equation for six weeks, I can get to know women purely based on personality and if we click on a deeper level. Once a woman makes it to date six, I invite her over to my place and we have sex. After that, she is the only one I focus on and if things continue to go well I'll make her my GF. Usually takes 2-3 months.

 

So as you can see, I handle multi-dating differently than some people. I use it to be as much of a realist as possible and to not be distracted by sex. When you're only dating one woman, it can be easier to focus more on passion and overlook red flags early on. But when you have other options, it's much easier to be objectionable.

[TheBathWater]

So far, it seems like both of you advocate for sexual exclusivity, which makes sense. But then, let's say it's date five or six, and you're going to have sex, are you finding out first if she's having sex with other people? If so, does this change whether or not you have sex? Do you worry that she'll just go sleep with someone else after you and then come back to sleep with you again? This seems risky to me on a practice level of STI's, and at the same time, I can't imagine basically telling someone "if you want to have sex with me, you can't sleep with anyone else", for fear of sounding controlling. Thoughts?

[HereNorThere]

I think you may be overthinking this. There's really no such thing as "multi-dating" that's actually redundant. You date different people and eventually you find the right person and pursue a committed relationship. Always protect yourself as best you can (condoms, birth control, regular testing) and don't sacrifice your principles. If you only sleep with a committed partner, one person at a time, after a set amount of time, just on second Thursday every other month, that is your right as a human being. Just try to stay ethical and honest.

 

Some people can handle discussing topics like this, but for the most part it's usually "don't ask, don't tell" when it comes to your other romantic opportunities. Even if you don't have someone else interested, you kinda at least want them to think you do. Sorry, I didn't write the laws of attraction and they are pretty unfair for both sexes, but it is what it is.

 

I just hope that there's one thing you take away from my post - Unless you are told otherwise, just always assume the other person is "multi-dating"' especially if you meet them through the Internet. Unless you have that commitment, they could chose to sleep with someone else at any time even if it hasn't already happened.

[fitnessfan365]

So far, it seems like both of you advocate for sexual exclusivity, which makes sense. But then, let's say it's date five or six, and you're going to have sex, are you finding out first if she's having sex with other people? If so, does this change whether or not you have sex? Do you worry that she'll just go sleep with someone else after you and then come back to sleep with you again? This seems risky to me on a practice level of STI's, and at the same time, I can't imagine basically telling someone "if you want to have sex with me, you can't sleep with anyone else", for fear of sounding controlling. Thoughts?

 

If I'm on a fifth date with a woman and I know she is the one I want to have sex with, I'll have the talk. Start it by saying that we're at the point where we want to have sex together, etc.. Bring up monogamy, recent sexual history, make sure she is STD free, and talk about birth control. Now some people are fine with just condoms. However, any woman I sleep with has to be on birth control as well.

 

Here's an example why. My cousin's long time GF refuses to go on birth control. So they used condoms every time without fail. She just gave birth to their daughter a few months ago. Secondly, once I am officially exclusive with a woman, I am no longer using condoms and you can't go bareback without birth control.

[Popsicle]

I don't and I can't. I don't have the mentality that dating is a race though. If I started to date one person, I would see it through with them until the conclusion is made that we will officially be a couple and continue dating or it's not going to work and stop seeing each other. If someone else comes along that looks interesting while I'm dating the other person, I would tell them that I'm already seeing someone, but if it doesn't work out, I will contact them, but I certainly wouldn't pursue anyone else and keep in constant contact with other men.

[TheBathWater]

I don't and I can't. I don't have the mentality that dating is a race though. If I started to date one person, I would see it through with them until the conclusion is made that we will officially be a couple and continue dating or it's not going to work and stop seeing each other. If someone else comes along that looks interesting while I'm dating the other person, I would tell them that I'm already seeing someone, but if it doesn't work out, I will contact them, but I certainly wouldn't pursue anyone else and keep in constant contact with other men.

 

This is exactly how I prefer to do things, but it is difficult in western dating culture, you must admit.

 

I've often fantasized about starting a dating website called 'One Date at a Time' for this reason - to collect the profiles of those like us who prefer to focus on one connection without any outside interference. I don't have the patience to do it though.

[Versacehottie]

So far, it seems like both of you advocate for sexual exclusivity, which makes sense. But then, let's say it's date five or six, and you're going to have sex, are you finding out first if she's having sex with other people? If so, does this change whether or not you have sex? Do you worry that she'll just go sleep with someone else after you and then come back to sleep with you again? This seems risky to me on a practice level of STI's, and at the same time, I can't imagine basically telling someone "if you want to have sex with me, you can't sleep with anyone else", for fear of sounding controlling. Thoughts?

 

well the sexual exclusivity is just that: exclusive. From both parties. Two-way street. Both sides exclusive. And yes there's risk involved no matter who you are having sex with so the discussions beforehand should be standard and have no bearing whether you are dating just one person at a time or multi-dating. But like fitness fan said, make the decision that she/he is the only one you want to pursue before you have sex is the best way. Not everyone does it but having these sorts of discussions and manage expectations before you have sex sorts out a lot. It would remove about 1/3 of the questions on this board!!

 

If you choose not to have this discussion or get a wishy-washy answer, don't assume by having sex that you are exclusive. Actually when it comes to dating, don't assume anything. And um, why wouldn't you want to say something along the lines of if you want to have sex with me, let's agree not to sleep with anyone else. I don't know but it seems reasonable and not controlling. Depends on if you come from a place of positivity: i'm excited about you and looking forward to seeing what's there with only you. The discussion, though it's motivated by what's next regarding sex, would set expectations for dating, commitment and sex. Whatever parameters the two of you agree are good and ok. Usually it's a positive thing where the two people decide to move forward with the relationship on the whole. Most people (i think) wouldn't agree to move forward with sex if they are told straight to their face that someone they care about and have feelings for is going to sleep with others because that would mean they are less committed to you then you thought. Multi-dating is smart. Multi-sexing, not so much.

 

Don't overthink it. You won't know if it's for you until you try it. I have a theory that in the first 3 or 4 dates out of the two people, one or two of them have other people on their minds if not in their lives. It's a little naive to assume otherwise. In any case, there's no guarantee that the relationship will move forward past the first few dates anyway so you should treat it as more of a fun, getting to know you thing anyway, which is why multi-dating is good.

[Redhead14]

Straight forward question, but I'm yet to find any answers that make it seem doable for me. So, in an attempt to sort out my position on the issue and consider it further, I pose some questions for all to answer:

 

1. Do you ever acknowledge to your date that you are seeing other people?

 

2. Do you ever feel conflicted after having a great date with one person but then going out to see someone else?

 

3. How do you manage multiple feelings for multiple people? Have you ever felt in hindsight that if only you had focused on one person you would have better realized your compatibility?

 

4. How do you handle partners who obviously are only seeing you, but you are seeing other people? Do you tell them?

 

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex?

 

6. How do you manage to separate your feelings from sexual acts, especially when you may be having feelings for multiple people?

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex?\

6. How do you manage to separate your feelings from sexual acts, especially when you may be having feelings for multiple people? --

 

First of all, multi-dating doesn't mean multi-sexual dating scenarios. You date several people at a time without intimacy. If there is one you decide to be intimate with, enter into exclusivity and stop seeing others. Exclusivity is the period where you've decided to focus on each other on a deeper level to evaluate the potential for a long term relationship. You both need to understand that at each stage of the dating process, one or the other will move on if things aren't working for you. That's what you need to do all though a budding relationship to manage your emotions and expectations.

 

Some people feel that exclusivity is simply on a sexual level and will continue to date others casually until they find another they want to be intimate with. Because if you do, it's likely you're not as interested in the first one as you'd thought. You break it off with that one. Some people feel that exclusivity is already boyfriend and girlfriend and all this is something you need to be clear about between you and each dating partner.

 

3. How do you manage multiple feelings for multiple people? -- This can be difficult. One way to manage this is to make sure you space out your dates and don't date TOO many. Two at a time is manageable, maybe three. But, in the beginning you should only be having one date a week with each guy. You have a date with one say on a Monday and the other on a Thursday. Don't do back to back. Leave a little space.

 

1. Do you ever acknowledge to your date that you are seeing other people? -- If they ask you, you be honest, always and he should be too. You don't have to offer that information very early and/or until you decide to be intimate.

 

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex?

 

-- Of course, be honest, always and he should be too.

 

Bottomline, always manage your emotions and expectations in any dating scenario. Don't be intimate soon with anyone. Spend enough time with each of them to be able to have a better sense of how you feel about them and how they feel about you before intimacy.

 

If you're dating two at a time, don't be intimate for a couple of months at least. If you're "hung up" on two, you just need to make a decision. It can be difficult and is probably the biggest "negative" for multi-dating if a man or a woman falls easily. If you're the type who does "fall" easily, I'd just date one at a time.

Edited June 17, 2015 by Redhead14

[Versacehottie]

If you're the type who does "fall" easily, I'd just date one at a time.

 

I agree with the rest of what you said, except the above. The type that "fall" easily are precisely who need multi-dating the most. Because their "falling" has to mostly to do with wanting a relationship so desperately that they don't see the person they are dating for who he/she really is. They are in dating fantasy land. Need multi-dating to evaluate people not just the promise or hope of a relationship.

[Redhead14]

I agree with the rest of what you said, except the above. The type that "fall" easily are precisely who need multi-dating the most. Because their "falling" has to mostly to do with wanting a relationship so desperately that they don't see the person they are dating for who he/she really is. They are in dating fantasy land. Need multi-dating to evaluate people not just the promise or hope of a relationship.

 

Yes, I kinda do agree with this. But, in as much as they are in fantasy land, if the mix it up too much, they won't know when or who to focus on when that opportunity comes around. So, for them, I guess it's best to at least limit it.

[central]

1. Do you ever acknowledge to your date that you are seeing other people? If they ask, yes.

 

2. Do you ever feel conflicted after having a great date with one person but then going out to see someone else? No. I see it as the only way to find a great match in a reasonable period of time - this can't be done nearly as effectively by sequential dating. A great date does not necessarily mean we have great compatibility for the long term.

 

3. How do you manage multiple feelings for multiple people? I seldom multi-date long enough for that to become a significant issue. Have you ever felt in hindsight that if only you had focused on one person you would have better realized your compatibility? No. Basic compatibility is almost always clear within a few dates at most, or it probably doesn't exist.

 

4. How do you handle partners who obviously are only seeing you, but you are seeing other people? Do you tell them? I tell them if they ask, otherwise it's doesn't matter - I'll either soon be exclusive with them or I'll stop seeing them.

 

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? No, because I'm rarely having sex with multiple people without disclosing and discussing the situation with them first. Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex? Usually I'll ask, and will always tell if I am, beforehand. (It's surprising how often that didn't make a difference, and they would still want to have sex - with protection, of course.)

 

6. How do you manage to separate your feelings from sexual acts, especially when you may be having feelings for multiple people? It isn't necessary to separate feelings - they exist to a greater or lesser degree, and combined with compatibility will determine who will become an exclusive relationship, and who will not.

[frankiesaysrelax]

best way is to stop being a whore and date just one person at a time. Trying to multi-date never ends well as there are people who grow up with instilled beliefs about that being a slutty thing to do and if you cross the wrong one, they will expose you and possibly humiliate you.

[katiegrl]

Tuna, I am wondering whether you are confusing multi-dating with being "a player."

 

As the men here have asserted, they are looking for a relationship and they multi-date until they find a woman with whom to develop one. Sometimes it can happen on the first date. But more often than not, it takes up to five dates with a particular woman to know.

 

There may be 2 or 3 in the mix during this process...

 

There is no sex during this process, but once they know..or just have a good feeling about knowing, they will have sex and then focus on just her... until they know for sure.

 

If, after a few dates, they're not feeling it, they stop seeing her. Fair enough!!!!

 

A player (for lack of a better word) operates differently. He is not seeking a relationship, and is in constant motion juggling several woman simultaneously, sexually and otherwise....for however long it lasts, probably until she starts pushing for more after which he loses interest and disappears.

 

Don't confuse the two.... their respective MOs are very very different!

Edited June 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

best way is to stop being a whore and date just one person at a time. Trying to multi-date never ends well as there are people who grow up with instilled beliefs about that being a slutty thing to do and if you cross the wrong one, they will expose you and possibly humiliate you.

 

Multi-dating is not multi-sexual. If it's becoming that for someone, they are in a different ballgame. Then they cross over into promiscuity.

[katiegrl]

Tuna, you know it took me awhile to understand this concept and mentality too. But there have been several discussions about it as of late, and low and behold I finally understand it!

 

And it actually makes a lot of sense!

 

But again, don't confuse it with being a "player," two entirely different things...

[katiegrl]

Multi-dating is not multi-sexual. If it's becoming that for someone, they are in a different ballgame. Then they cross over into promiscuity.

 

Or just a "player.". I dunno maybe that's the same thing?

 

Probably...

[Toodaloo]

 

1. Do you ever acknowledge to your date that you are seeing other people?

 

If its a first date no.

 

2. Do you ever feel conflicted after having a great date with one person but then going out to see someone else?

 

Yes - if I have had a great date with one and have another already arranged I will go but I try to space them out so this does not happen

 

3. How do you manage multiple feelings for multiple people? Have you ever felt in hindsight that if only you had focused on one person you would have better realized your compatibility?

 

I don't let it go that far. If I have 2 people I want to date I make a choice.

 

4. How do you handle partners who obviously are only seeing you, but you are seeing other people? Do you tell them?

 

I don't go beyond 3 dates max and carry on multiple dating. Mind you most dates don't go past the first/ second...

 

5. Do you ever worry about the increased risk of STI's? Do you ask your partners if they are sleeping with other people and tell them you are doing the same prior to sex?

 

I don't have sex with multiple people! Its dating not shagging and if its got to sex there is only one. Condoms all the way. And after reading a load of stuff on here I am starting to think that I can't assume that others feel the same way I do about it.

 

6. How do you manage to separate your feelings from sexual acts, especially when you may be having feelings for multiple people?

 

By limiting multiple dating to only the first few dates. if its got as far as sex you should not be dating others.

 

Keep it simple Tuna.

 

Multiple dates are fine when its the first one or two but beyond that and its takes the piddle a bit. It also gets really confusing and isn't worth the worry.

[SycamoreCircle]

I argue that people who date multiple people at the same time don't know themselves very well, don't manage their time very well, are typically boring people, are typically secretive and manipulative, and typically very good at making excuses.

[katiegrl]

I argue that people who date multiple people at the same time don't know themselves very well, don't manage their time very well, are typically boring people, are typically secretive and manipulative, and typically very good at making excuses.

 

^^That's a *player* dude, which is something entirely different.

 

Have you read the posts here...from the guys who multi-date?

 

If not, please do. Or at least post 15.......

Edited June 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[SycamoreCircle]

^^That's a *player* dude, which is something entirely different.

 

Have you read the posts here...from the guys who multi-date?

 

If not, please do. Or at least post 15.......

I'm not labeling anyone a player or otherwise. I've read the previous posts, I stand by what I say.

 

If you have to populate your garden with weeds to discern a flower, you're gonna' blow out your back.

[katiegrl]

I'm not labeling anyone a player or otherwise. I've read the previous posts, I stand by what I say.

 

If you have to populate your garden with weeds to discern a flower, you're gonna' blow out your back.

 

I don't entirely disagree with that....cause actually my MO is exactly that. I know on date one whether or not we click, whether there is something "there" or not.

 

And if not, I don't go out with him again. If I had to guess, it would be you are the same.

 

But what I have learned from reading this forum is that everyone is different, and for some men and women, it takes longer than one date to determine whether or not something is *there*... worth focusing on one-on-one.

 

There is no sex during this process, just low key dates getting to know each other.

 

I see nothing wrong with that, but do respect your opinion.

 

I used to feel the exact same way as you in fact....but now I understand it better and it makes sense.

 

We all need to do what works for us...while in pursuit of the relationship that will work for us.

 

Edited: And for the record, just because you don't feel that *click* with a particular woman, that does not make her a *weed*....just sayin. Shresh.

Edited June 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[central]

I would argue that people who DON'T multi-date often can't because they are too boring, can't manage their time well enough to handle it, have too few positive things going for them to attract multiple prospects, and are so fearful that they can't compete that they make excuses to avoid any chance of comparison. They think everyone is a flower because they are too desperate to recognize that some aren't worth cultivating.

[katiegrl]

I would argue that people who DON'T multi-date often can't because they are too boring, can't manage their time well enough to handle it, have too few positive things going for them to attract multiple prospects, and are so fearful that they can't compete that they make excuses to avoid any chance of comparison. They think everyone is a flower because they are too desperate to recognize that some aren't worth cultivating.

 

LOL...well I would take issue with THAT too...but I get your point!!! :)