DexterLS Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I wouldn't say I am a guy that has a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. I only had one girlfriend who cheated and dumped me after 6 years of being together. She dumped me for someone who knew about me but yet pursued his interest. I have a lot of guy friends that do the same thing too and I never, ever, see how they could do this to another person. My best friend has been trying to go out with this girl who is in a LDR with his boyfriend of 3 years (Guy is studying abroad) and well I kind of blame the girl too who has been somewhat reciprocal to my friend's advances. But, personally, I am not that kind of person to be able to do that. I would never be able to hurt someone else by stealing their partner. However, I have seen too many cases like this to even ask the question. - Where is the integrity, people? - When do you know you should stop? I guess ultimately what I am asking is, can you trust a partner who left someone else for you? Any personal experiences where this kind of relationship worked?
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 If they left some one for you, they will leave you for some one. That's the person showing you their true colors right there. They ride in waving a red flag. 3
Gloria25 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Yes, someone who would "steal" someone and/or "cheat" with someone are the lowest of the low and will do it to you... They are scum with no integrity...I say we burn them at midnight in Town Square... BTW, I gotta set my clock for midnight tonite. I am scheduled to be burnt at the stake in Town Square. 6
minimariah Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I guess ultimately what I am asking is, can you trust a partner who left someone else for you? Any personal experiences where this kind of relationship worked? can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen. can you trust a partner who left someone else for you? of course. people leave each other for other people all the time and continue to have long & good relationships. once a cheater -- always a cheater just doesn't work. in my experience, most long and successful marriages i know about happened when someone left their then - girlfriend or boyfriend for that one person who later became their spouse. it is possible to meet someone you love and like when you're already in a relationship and once you realize that -- no point in staying with someone out of sense of obligation and duty when you're in love and liking someone else better. that's the point of dating, as cruel as it sounds - you try and pick what works for you and you date folks you liked the best in order to find that one you want to eventually take it to another level with. so yeah, i would trust a person who would leave their partner for me. as long as that person isn't lying to me and isn't giving me any reason to doubt them? the trust will be there. 7
lana-banana Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 The entire point of dating is to meet someone you want to be with above all others. If you meet someone who you genuinely desire more than your current partner, isn't that a giant neon sign that your current partner isn't the right one for you? Even if things don't work out with the other person, meeting someone else you want more than your girl/boyfriend is reason enough to end a relationship. As minimariah said, you can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen. Relationships don't end simply because another person comes into the picture. No one says "gee, my current boyfriend is a great guy who treats me like a queen and I want to be his wife someday, but there's this other guy who seems pretty cute so I should break it off". No one leaves a relationship unless they want to, and no one is forced or tricked into wanting someone else. 6
minimariah Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 As minimariah said, you can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen. Relationships don't end simply because another person comes into the picture. this is true. another person can only be a motivation, a trigger to end the relationship -- but another person can never be a cause. another person usually comes when there are cracks in the current relationship and those cracks just become more and more visible which results in breaking up. of course, it would be nice if folks broke up BEFORE meeting someone new and cheating but it is what it is. i must say, OP -- when i was dumped for someone else for the 1st time, i was horribly sad and upset and miserable. but the older i get, less i'm upset at situations like those. i don't want to marry someone who isn't sure about me and us and me being left for someone else is almost always a blessing in disguise. the only thing you should focus on is YOU and the fact that your relationship wasn't working. how will your ex's relationship with new guy end...? who cares. that's not your business anymore and it isn't of relevance to you because you and her are done anyway. being left for someone else hurts, of course. especially when your ex ends up marrying that person in record time and having children and living happily ever after but trust me... you'll get over it. you weren't their The One and just like that -- they weren't yours. you date and you put yourself out there and you hope for the best. the risk is always there, can't experience love without risking a heartbreak. it comes hand in hand, it's all that is to it. 4
lana-banana Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I would much rather be dumped for someone else. Think about it: as much as "I met this other girl I like more than you" hurts, it's nowhere near as bad as "I would rather risk dying alone surrounded by cats and ramen noodles than spend one more day in this relationship". 3
candie13 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I'm with the OP on this one. I think it's not a matter of integrity, but of value system. I personally suspect that people who dump a guy for another one actually have a history of doing so. Like a pattern. They seek the highs, the thrills, the romantic drama and cannot stand a steady RS, hence the more interesting partner outside. Easy choice, immediate satisfaction. Fair enough, sometimes one falls for another person while in a RS... I dunno, I have a hard time imagining it, personally. One cannot just... exchange one lover with the next one, just like that. I have heard and seen people do it, more women than men, actually. I know I'm judging, but to me, that's... de-humanizing. I know it can happen. It sucks, but it may happen to decent people. They say "all's fair in love and war", so if one is inlove, they owe it to themselves to try to be happy - called survival instinct. However, they also say that those who live by the sword, die by the sword. In my limited personal experience, here's what I've noticed: one person can only have one role in another person's live. The guy whom makes one leave the partner. The guy you end up in a RS with. Usually these are 2 different people. No matter how strong the attraction, there are such things as remorse, traces of the past, guilt and they usually consume a frail RS... but it's impossible to generalize. OP, if I may: open your eyes much wider as to the quality of the person you are choosing as a partner. Focus on healing, get angry, get mad, go for runs and let all the negativity out. And last, but not least, stop thinking about the past and let karma deal with it. You may not be there to see it, but it always does. Always. 2
deadelvis Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 You can leave one person for another and still keep your integrity. Here's my example... My current GF had a guy she was "seeing" when I started to pursue her. He was a casual acquaintance of mine. I guess you could say he was a "friend" but obviously I didn't put much value on his friendship since I pursued the girl he was dating (although in my defense at first I didn't know he was the person she was dating, I just knew she was "seeing someone") I asked her out and made it clear I was interested in her. She declined, stating that she was already seeing someone. I pursued a bit and she continued to push me away. After a short time I figured out who she was dating and apologized to her, telling her I was sorry and I wished them the best. A few weeks later (while drunk) I contacted her and said "I don't care if you are seeing my friend... I don't care about him... I'm crazy about you and I know we are supposed to be together" She told me to stop contacting her. About a month later she broke up with him, not because of me, just because he was a douche. She waited a couple weeks and then contacted me. We started talking... then dating... next month we're moving into an apartment together. He hates me now and thinks I "stole his girlfriend". Admittedly, I did try to steal his girlfriend, but she managed to handle the situation in a way that kept her integrity intact. She got rid of him, and we started dating. But there was no cheating, physically, emotionally or otherwise. If she was a less moral person she would have talked with me... dated me... slept with me... behind his back, but she didn't. She left him of her own choosing and then started a relationship with me. The difference is subtle but important. 1
deadelvis Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) Although on the other hand... my girlfriend was in a 4 year relationship that ended about a year ago. She cheated on him numerous times and had a few several month long affairs. Now that worries me. In her defense, he had some weird sexual issues and refused to sleep with her more than a few times a year, so she slept with others behind his back. That worries me. Why didn't she just break up with him? She say's they really loved each other, but the sex life was non-existent... Either way. I do worry because as they say" once a cheater..." Edited June 16, 2015 by deadelvis 1
aloneinaz Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I think the key issue here is it takes "two to tango".. Most people who are happy in their current relationships have opportunities to stray or bolt to other people. They don't cause they are happy. As far as someone actively pursuing someone they know is spoken for? Yea, I agree it's lame but sometimes circumstances just happen when they fall for someone (it's usually egged on by the other) and they say "what the hell"..
carhill Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 As humans we define our own integrity and judge that of others based on our perception of the world. One perception of billions. We can each think about every time we cheated or lied (not about romance/sex). Where is our integrity? Or is integrity situational? Fluid? Transient? Who decides? 1
No Limit Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Believe it or not OP, when someone is really into their relationship they are very capable of shutting all advances down. No one can steal a person from a relationship; the person simply changes his or her mind and dumps the old BF/GF. Instead of focusing to keep people who don't really care, you should really start looking for someone who won't exchange you for anyone else in the world. 2
RedRobin Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I don't like monkey branchers, and will avoid them. If a relationship isn't going well, either work on it or leave. It shouldn't take a third party to intercede to make you realize that. Some people just can't stand the thought of being alone though... and have to swing from branch to branch to salvage their frail ego and sense of self. These are not resilient people. They are opportunists. World is full of them. I'd rather be alone than put my trust in one. My time is valuable and those people don't deserve my investment. I can't imagine anything they have to offer is so valuable anyway. Leave them to other monkey branchers and drama chasers they can churn their lives away with. I personally don't have the energy to 'punish' one... but I sure know how to avoid them. That's the best you can do OP. Not everyone acts like your ex-GF. You are wounded now, so you are on the lookout for it. I suggest you redirect your attention to those who don't do this. Make a new social circle of people who share your values and don't engage in this behavior. 3
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I would much rather be dumped for someone else. Think about it: as much as "I met this other girl I like more than you" hurts, it's nowhere near as bad as "I would rather risk dying alone surrounded by cats and ramen noodles than spend one more day in this relationship". Sounds like an appealing sort of ending... I could go with that! I think the point is that it is a bit rude to go and chase a person who is in a relationship with the intention of breaking that relationship. The more dignified thing to do would be to make your intentions clear and known. Then stand back and wait until they are single before making your move. Its called "manners" and acting with a modicum of respect and dignity... Yeah I guess I am just old fashioned and not into all this shagging around and drama. 2
understand50 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Yes, someone who would "steal" someone and/or "cheat" with someone are the lowest of the low and will do it to you... They are scum with no integrity...I say we burn them at midnight in Town Square... BTW, I gotta set my clock for midnight tonite. I am scheduled to be burnt at the stake in Town Square. I thought you were going to burnt in Effigy? That is a small town by Searchlight Nevada. 991 Edited June 17, 2015 by understand50 1
darkbloom Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I think it comes down to not being mindful of other people and not valuing the commitment and feelings that you claimed to have. I understand that you can be in a relationship and someone new comes along that might knock you off your feet. The issue is that most people want instant gratification but they are scared of being rejected at the same time. So they will keep their current relarionship going while they explore their options with this fancy new person. They are not tuned into the fact that they are causing damage to someone else's feelings. I think that people need to be more aware of the pain and damage that might occur before they decide to do something. Yes it will be painful to break up with someone. It's more painful however, to break up with them after you've been unfaithful to them. 3
Author DexterLS Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks for the responses guy. I have been told numerous times to "leave it with Karma" to deal with this cheating liar but to be honest, I am not a believer of Karma. I have seen bad people get away with things too many times. I have seen cheating exes (of my friends) living happily with the other guys too. I know I shouldn't care and I genuinely want her to be happy but not with this douchebag. I seriously dislike people without integrity and I just can't accept the fact that this guy gets the girl I have known practically my whole life and planned my future ahead.
darkbloom Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks for the responses guy. I have been told numerous times to "leave it with Karma" to deal with this cheating liar but to be honest, I am not a believer of Karma. I have seen bad people get away with things too many times. I have seen cheating exes (of my friends) living happily with the other guys too. I know I shouldn't care and I genuinely want her to be happy but not with this douchebag. I seriously dislike people without integrity and I just can't accept the fact that this guy gets the girl I have known practically my whole life and planned my future ahead. How do you know that they are living happily ever after? Facebook and instagram are such poor indicators of what's actually going on. If you look below the surface, most people who treat others poorly are suffering. There is a principle they teach to recovering drug addicts that basically says "to feel good and honorable about yourself, you have to do good and honorable things." I beleive that same thing applies to everyone. People who have cheated on you are probably doing the same thing in their life. Pretending they are happy and lying to everyone because that's all they know how to do. 4
Author DexterLS Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 You are right. However, my best-friend actively cheated on her LTR girlfriend of 4 years for a whole year before she found out. My friend is living a pretty great life right now: new decent job, new girlfriend and he is even going to Paris in 12 days. I mean, we are not so close right now, so I wouldn't know how he actually is doing but when he was cheating and got caught, I asked him afterwards about how he felt. He showed no remorse and just carried on with his life. He was studying in Canada though. So I don't know if the distance made him cold and easier for him to just get on with his life but he did anyway and is happy. I met him 2 weeks ago and he was all smiles every time.
darkbloom Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 You are right. However, my best-friend actively cheated on her LTR girlfriend of 4 years for a whole year before she found out. My friend is living a pretty great life right now: new decent job, new girlfriend and he is even going to Paris in 12 days. I mean, we are not so close right now, so I wouldn't know how he actually is doing but when he was cheating and got caught, I asked him afterwards about how he felt. He showed no remorse and just carried on with his life. He was studying in Canada though. So I don't know if the distance made him cold and easier for him to just get on with his life but he did anyway and is happy. I met him 2 weeks ago and he was all smiles every time. Here is my issue with your friend, if he was "happy" with his LTR girlfriend he would have no reason to cheat. If he continued to juggle his relationship with her and his side girl why? That's a lot of lying, three different sets of feelings, and a lack of regard for consequences. That does not scream that someone is happy and well adjusted and living their happiest life. The jobs, the money, the trips don't mean anything. They are a way of covering up his insecurities and what we can assume is his unhappiness with himself. He probably practices that smile he shows you in the mirror everyday. 1
bluegreen Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 If they left some one for you, they will leave you for some one. That's the person showing you their true colors right there. They ride in waving a red flag. Agree Happened To Me As Well 1
Author DexterLS Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Here is my issue with your friend, if he was "happy" with his LTR girlfriend he would have no reason to cheat. If he continued to juggle his relationship with her and his side girl why? That's a lot of lying, three different sets of feelings, and a lack of regard for consequences. That does not scream that someone is happy and well adjusted and living their happiest life. The jobs, the money, the trips don't mean anything. They are a way of covering up his insecurities and what we can assume is his unhappiness with himself. He probably practices that smile he shows you in the mirror everyday. I think you misunderstood. I don't know if he was happy when he was cheating on his LTR girlfriend, but, he is happy now. So, I don't really think that Karma is something that exists. Bad things don't always happen to bad people. Do I want my ex to be happy despite what she did? Yes. Do I want the other guy to be happy? I don't care if he is happy or not. I just don't want this relationship to work. If it makes any sense. I know, I will forget about all this in a year or so but right now there's so much anger inside of me, I can't let it go. There's no way I would put another person in so much pain intentionally and they did it to me anyway.
candie13 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 see, it really depends on your definition of karma. People don't change, they continue to act the same way they always do. And that means that most often, they commit the same errors, they have their own patterns. Until they really f*ck up and then they learn. That is karma. Repeating the same mistakes over and over again. So of course now your best friend is all well, new gf, trip to Paris, fancy photos... wait a few more years, look at their pictures and tell me how he is. That's the thing, people always believe that if somebody does smth wrong, immediately smth bad is going to happen. Oh noooo.... it takes time. Time for to forget, time to become careless... time for the real nature of people to reveal itself. And then, when you expect it the least, bam, it happens. Mark my words, it happens. I am totally not superstitious and not into these sort of crazy absurd things. Not at all. But... I have seen things happen. I did. I was not there to see them with my own eyes, but I have found out about the wheel turning. And the longer it takes to turn... the more violent it strikes back. Be patient. Keep your eyes on the ball. Be a good person, do good things and don't be stupid. God cannot protect you from your own mistakes. 1
candie13 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I think you need to learn you lesson until the end. That man did not "steal" your gf away. Nobody can "steal" a person from you. She gave in to temptation. She is the one who was weak. I am really sorry to be this tough and mean to you, but that man did you a favor. What if you had married her, had a fe kids and then she would have cheated? You would have lost it all, your house, your savings, your kids and half of your pension fund. I believe... in my humble opinion... that your lesson is to understand, when it comes to your past RS, who the responsibility lies with. IT is HER fault. He didn't drug her. He didn't do anything against her own will. You seem to have a very healthy set of values. Strong. YOUR LESSON is to find a person who shares the exact same set of values and lives by them. Your ex did not. That is at the core of your incompatibilities, beyond cheating and breaking up. Learn to weed better. Ask a lot more questions at the beginning. Get to really really know a person before giving your heart to them. I am not saying that there will never be surprises, because there always are. However, do your part of the job as good as you possibly can. On the long term, it is irrelevant if your ex ends up with the man she cheated you with. She showed her true colors. In front of you, in front of your friends and family and in front of her friends and family. Everybody deserves a person to love them for themselves. Everyone. How can you be sad when you realize that there is no such love from her part? That she is actually NOT the person you fell inlove with? You fell inlove with a ghost. It may also be possible to focus on him and make him to good guy, to avoid admitting that she f*cked up. I think that the moment you admit to yourself that she f*cked you, you will have to subconsciously let go of the RS. And you're not ready for that. You've overinvested and over projected yourself in it and in the future with her... That's why you're fighting so hard. Work on understanding and accepting what went wrong and you will get over this RS much much sooner. In the end, this is what everyone wants, no? To heal asap. You can only start healing after you've let it go. Let it go, Dexter... 2
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