In a time of hesitation in a relationship - work on it or break it

June 16, 2015

We are at the beginning of our forth month and recently, I catch myself getting quite resentful at him.

I feel like the relationship is getting very one-sided. We spend (almost) all the home-time at his place and he usually suggests times & venues for dates. On top, he expects me to pick the tab on (almost) all dates, if he pays, it is for the cheap ones. He contributes in other ways but... it is still a burden for me. Also, I am a pet owner, and he, supposedly due to allergies decided to stay away from this aspect of my life. He also is not open to meet and interact with some people in my life, which he thinks will be judgemental or negative. He is also quite burned&negative towards people... He acts scared from possible manipulations. This I understand, but in his case it is a bit over the top.

On the bright side: he is very attentive and good listener. He is relationship minded, and I can see he wants future with me. He is not exactly my usual "type" but I am very attracted to him sexually. He will probably be great father one day, he is actively researching how to be a good parent. He is protective, and emotionally supports me when I need it. He introduced me to the most important people in his life, and is generally very open and honest with me. We never had a fight or big disagreement, and our lifestyles are similar.

I just don't know if the pros outweigh the cons or vise versa. Since it is only a few months, I'm having second thoughts of whether to continue with him or not. Does this mean it is time for a big discussion or for parting ways?

June 16, 2015

I think you should definitely have a honest conversation about what is lacking in the relationship if you actually think you might have a future with this guy. I would talk and see if things change before you do something you may regret. If it doesn't work then at least you wont guess "what if"? I want to punch this guy for making you pay for most of the dates btw haha. That is my two cents.

June 16, 2015

I agree. You should have an honest conversation with him about anything you sense off in the relationship.. Communication is key. Not only can you possibly fix things, you may find that certain things may have gone unnoticed by him.

From someone who got dumped by someone who did not communicate any problems in the relationship... If you broke up with him, he will definitely feel very confused and heartbroken. Be the bigger person and communicate no matter how hard it may be for you. You won't find yourself questioning if you could have done something to make it work- you will know you did everything in your power.

June 17, 2015

You should try talking to him. But only 4 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon "im crazy about you" stage. If you're already second guessing the relationship, maybe he's just not exactly what you're looking for.

June 17, 2015

But only 4 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon "im crazy about you" stage. If you're already second guessing the relationship, maybe he's just not exactly what you're looking for.[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly. Two big red flags to me. He has "alligator arms" and can never reach his wallet. Lame excuses for you to always go to him..

I think you should use your instincts. These are clearly bothering you. Yes, a SERIOUS conversation should take place. I just wonder how receptive a guy who expects his girl to pay the majority of the time is going to be to it.

June 17, 2015

Thanks for the thoughts. I see a lot of support for serious honest conversation, and very valid points ("see if things change before you do something you may regret", "you may find certain things that may have gone unnoticed by him"). But also the big red flags are there ("aligator arms", "lame excuses", "clearly bothering you", "already second guessing...not exactly what you're looking for".

One thing I forgot to mention: he himself asked me similar questions - is something bothering me & that he can't predict what is bothering me without me saying it (and he mentioned something in the lines - if it worked so far and you didn't mentioned it is bothering you, why change it. I'm assuming he was talking about the paying for dates part in an indirect manner).

So it seems clear I need to initiate a talk, but in my current point of frustration and passivity so far, I just wonder how to do it naturally, firmly and in the same time not being insulting. Any ideas?

June 17, 2015

How did this dynamic of you paying for most things start? That's just odd to me. Is he having $ issues and told you that he can't afford to pay and you said "no problem". Or does the check come and he lets it sit there until you pick it up or asks if you can get it?

When I was dating, I met a girl I liked. I had a cat at the time. She made a big deal out of it, telling me she wasn't a "cat person" and was allergic, thus I had to always go to her place. At first, it didn't bother me. Then, she had to come to my place for a party. She was there for hours and never once complained about her allergies. I asked her about it the next day. She said "yea, I'm surprised the cat didn't bother me". She still expected me to always to go her. I was certain she had no allergies to the cat, she just want me to always go to her. I ended it a few weeks later due to that and other compatibility issues.

I think you should simply ask to meet him for coffee. Then let him know there are some things about the relationship that are bothering you. Then lay them all out on the table and see how he takes it. I think you'd rather end the relationship now if he blows up or handles it poorly, then to be more emotionally invested down the road.

June 17, 2015

Regarding the $ part: when the check comes, I usually have had my card in my hand ready. When he sees it, he will just say "thank you" and not take his out. I've tried a few times not to get mine out. Sometimes he gets the hint and pays, others - he just "looks around", kind of hinting me to do something. The latter REALLY bothers me, but I have to admit - he never explicitly asked me to pay (i.e. he just took the opportunity when he was seeing my willingness).

Regarding the cat: my story is nearly identical to yours. I had him over, no allergy response. I thought it was because I cleaned very thoroughly, but we've slept over in other's people places with 1 and 2 cats respectively, and again - no allergic response. The thing that bothers me - he said that he's not a cat person to an extent that it is hard for him even to listen details about it; I know this was honest, but it was tough to swallow for me as a pet owner.

Regarding the houses: once I told him I have roommates that expressed willingness to "evaluate him". He didn't take this well. That's his main reasoning to avoid coming to my place, aside from the cat. Oh, and also my house is not too "private", you can hear every move, and he also pointed that out.

And regarding the conversation over coffee: yeah, it seems like to be the way to go. He asked me multiple times how do I feel about all, but usually in bed, and I, not surprisingly, can't initiate honest talk while cuddling, or even while being in his place when he's cooking for me, making me coffee etc.

How did this dynamic of you paying for most things start? That's just odd to me. Is he having $ issues and told you that he can't afford to pay and you said "no problem". Or does the check come and he lets it sit there until you pick it up or asks if you can get it?

When I was dating, I met a girl I liked. I had a cat at the time. She made a big deal out of it, telling me she wasn't a "cat person" and was allergic, thus I had to always go to her place. At first, it didn't bother me. Then, she had to come to my place for a party. She was there for hours and never once complained about her allergies. I asked her about it the next day. She said "yea, I'm surprised the cat didn't bother me". She still expected me to always to go her. I was certain she had no allergies to the cat, she just want me to always go to her. I ended it a few weeks later due to that and other compatibility issues.

I think you should simply ask to meet him for coffee. Then let him know there are some things about the relationship that are bothering you. Then lay them all out on the table and see how he takes it. I think you'd rather end the relationship now if he blows up or handles it poorly, then to be more emotionally invested down the road.

June 17, 2015

Regarding the $ part: when the check comes, I usually have had my card in my hand ready. When he sees it, he will just say "thank you" and not take his out. I've tried a few times not to get mine out. Sometimes he gets the hint and pays, others - he just "looks around", kind of hinting me to do something. The latter REALLY bothers me, but I have to admit - he never explicitly asked me to pay (i.e. he just took the opportunity when he was seeing my willingness).

He's taking advantage of your generosity but I'm sorry to say that's on you for having card in hand most of the time; now he's gotten spoiled and used to it. An explicit conversation must definitely be had about sharing expenses. Resentment over money is a bitter poison.

Regarding the houses: once I told him I have roommates that expressed willingness to "evaluate him". He didn't take this well.

He's right IMO. He may have thin skin and should suck it up, but you did not need to phrase it in that way to him. And if your roommates actually give off the impression they are judging him (even if they think it's fun), you should put a stop to that.

My ex in his own words found it exceedingly difficult to be confrontational i.e. raise concerns. His ex scared the **** out of him for that. So while everything was perfectly fulfilling for me, one day he decides it's not fulfilling him and leaves me baffled and hurt. Don't do that to yours.

June 17, 2015

Yes, you're right. Just now it is very difficult to lead a non-confrontational talk for sharing expenses. I have exactly the same problem as your ex, mainly dictated by bitter results from past confrontations in personal and work situation. Is there a way to make the conversation more natural? Saying "hey, let's just start splitting the check from here on" sounds to me a bit passive-agressive.

My roommates are tough. Both are single by choice (and promoting it), and at least one of them is VERY negative towards my bf, remarkabl - since they have never really met or talk. I was stupid to share with my bf the "judging him" comment, but I was also very frustrated with it (it was around the time that we started dating and barely knew each other; my roommate discovered accidentally that we are dating and reacted as described...).

He's taking advantage of your generosity but I'm sorry to say that's on you for having card in hand most of the time; now he's gotten spoiled and used to it. An explicit conversation must definitely be had about sharing expenses. Resentment over money is a bitter poison.

He's right IMO. He may have thin skin and should suck it up, but you did not need to phrase it in that way to him. And if your roommates actually give off the impression they are judging him (even if they think it's fun), you should put a stop to that.

My ex in his own words found it exceedingly difficult to be confrontational i.e. raise concerns. His ex scared the **** out of him for that. So while everything was perfectly fulfilling for me, one day he decides it's not fulfilling him and leaves me baffled and hurt. Don't do that to yours.

June 17, 2015

First - there is no set determination or time line of honeymoon phase. The length of it has no bearing on how your relationship will go. Throw that notion out, people. It really isn't a gauge of anything except how long it takes for 2 people to get to know each other beyond the giddiness of a new relationship.

Second - take a few days to figure out what you want out of (a) relationship. Not just this one, but what you want in general. Then see where he is lacking in this respect. If you can live with them, then live with them. If you can't, then this is something you need to discuss.

Expense thing: nip this in the bud, pronto. He wants to do these activities, and wants to make all the plans of what you guys do? Then he's responsible for covering the expenses. At the very least, paying his half. He shouldn't expect you to pay for all his ideas. Perhaps you should make the suggestion that you each cover your own expenses, or cover the full expense when you are the one deciding what to do. That way, you will likely get to have more of a say in what the two of you do. Also, if he starts leaving every decision up to you so that you pay all the time, you know what you're dealing with.

June 17, 2015

If he is attentive and a good listener, then he will be pretty open to having the discussion. Avoid making him feel bad for not paying for anything but gauge his reaction to splitting costs, tell him you are going on a budget, etc. Maybe tell him you would like to go on more creative dates that do not cost as much. Research free events where you live, go on picnics, etc. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea - a lot of people like to go out for dinner/movies/shows for dates but you could become a lot closer by talking to him about your passions or what you'd like to experience with him.

If you don't solve this now then you will end up resenting him and breaking up anyway, may as well try to have a conversation with him about it and if he doesn't take it well then you know what you have to do.

June 17, 2015

That is a good point. He actually acted that way in the very beginning; we were staying primarily at his home (he used to cook and get a movie), and he asked me to initiate more (hinting that who invites is who pays).

In that time I asked him intentionally to do more/most of the initiation, because I was dealing with problems and had no inspiration to pick date venues. I also start taking my card out every time before him, which he probably misread as my willingness to pay most of the times despite that he picked the venue.

Now the hard part will be to reverse the pattern I'm spinning my head how to do it painlessly.

Expense thing: nip this in the bud, pronto. He wants to do these activities, and wants to make all the plans of what you guys do? Then he's responsible for covering the expenses. At the very least, paying his half. He shouldn't expect you to pay for all his ideas. Perhaps you should make the suggestion that you each cover your own expenses, or cover the full expense when you are the one deciding what to do. That way, you will likely get to have more of a say in what the two of you do. Also, if he starts leaving every decision up to you so that you pay all the time, you know what you're dealing with.

June 17, 2015

He does all the driving, so I'm kind of uncomfortable suggesting creative dates (e.g. picnics out of town, road trips for few hours etc)

But yeah, this needs to be talked through one way or another. He is a good listener for sure, but I'm a bad communicator... especially for things that seem to me so obviously clear.

If he is attentive and a good listener, then he will be pretty open to having the discussion. Avoid making him feel bad for not paying for anything but gauge his reaction to splitting costs, tell him you are going on a budget, etc. Maybe tell him you would like to go on more creative dates that do not cost as much. Research free events where you live, go on picnics, etc. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea - a lot of people like to go out for dinner/movies/shows for dates but you could become a lot closer by talking to him about your passions or what you'd like to experience with him.

If you don't solve this now then you will end up resenting him and breaking up anyway, may as well try to have a conversation with him about it and if he doesn't take it well then you know what you have to do.

June 17, 2015

He does all the driving, so I'm kind of uncomfortable suggesting creative dates (e.g. picnics out of town, road trips for few hours etc)

But yeah, this needs to be talked through one way or another. He is a good listener for sure, but I'm a bad communicator... especially for things that seem to me so obviously clear.

Hmm, if you are paying for the date then I don't see the harm in suggesting where it is. You never know unless you ask .

Of course, you never want to make a situation uncomfortable but the sooner you talk about it, the sooner you can understand what the other wants. If you're both willing to talk about it, I think everything will be okay. If it's a matter of communication and not an incompatibility then it could be solved easily but at least you know what you are looking for in a relationship.

Do you live in a town or a city?

June 17, 2015

Yes, in a city.

Do you live in a town or a city?

June 17, 2015

Yes, in a city.

Ohh lots of options then! Like I said before though, it all depends on how people like to enjoy their time but there are so many hidden gems and it might make you excited to go on dates again .

Good luck with talking to him! Just be honest with what you're looking for in a relationship. Sorry I got sidetracked, I know the dates themselves aren't the issue but maybe taking money out of it for the most part will help with the impending resentment.

June 18, 2015

You're right, i have mastered going on free/nearly free dates before... And it was actually much more fun for me, I'm definitely not a club/restaurant person, I'd rather go for a walk in the park, sightseeing, on the beach...

I realized that funnily, he thinks he's contributing more to the relationship by hosting, driving and organizing. He kind of almost "punishes" me by making me pay for the dates. Yesterday i didn't reach for my wallet on purpose and he "ran out of cash", and needed "a few extra bucks for the tip". After treating him 2 consecutive nights last week with dinners, this was way too petty in my opinion.

Also, he is frustrated with me for some reason and start lecturing me about my attitude towards people - i.e. being way too empathetic than what I should be. He tried to apologize later but... I think my own frustrations with him are only part of the picture.

On top, he is very interested in being a relationship and starting family soon...I think not that much in me as a person but as a "vehicle" for the aforementioned... which probably explains his cheap behavior despite the "love claims"...I'm so frustrated with this all, I'm still motivated to talk to him seriously, but it doesn't look promising at the moment.

Ohh lots of options then! Like I said before though, it all depends on how people like to enjoy their time but there are so many hidden gems and it might make you excited to go on dates again .

Good luck with talking to him! Just be honest with what you're looking for in a relationship. Sorry I got sidetracked, I know the dates themselves aren't the issue but maybe taking money out of it for the most part will help with the impending resentment.

August 12, 2015

Yeah, 2 months later we're still together and i STILL have the lingering feeling that I should leave him.

No/little change on: - difficult communication, bad financial habits (now he started contributing more I have to admit), he has no clear plans for the future, and I feel like he's hiding nasty things from me about his past.

We still have a good chemistry, sex, and somehow he's pushing to make it more serious.... almost constantly begging me to meet my family etc.

I feel like it will not be worth to stay for the companionship&intimacy though. I am in my 30s and I'm scared to waste time, let alone introducing to my overseas family a person for which I have mixed feelings.

And still there is the nagging feeling: did I exploited all the options in this relationship? He's at least trying to put effort, I have to say I almost let it go, and didn't try too hard e.g. to let him know I'm not fully happy (he feels it but thinks it is something else, e.g. work problems??)

So the dilemma is: last attempt for communication OR last talk i.e. break up???

I'd appreciate advice, I need to decide quickly because of his requests....

You're right, i have mastered going on free/nearly free dates before... And it was actually much more fun for me, I'm definitely not a club/restaurant person, I'd rather go for a walk in the park, sightseeing, on the beach...

I realized that funnily, he thinks he's contributing more to the relationship by hosting, driving and organizing. He kind of almost "punishes" me by making me pay for the dates. Yesterday i didn't reach for my wallet on purpose and he "ran out of cash", and needed "a few extra bucks for the tip". After treating him 2 consecutive nights last week with dinners, this was way too petty in my opinion.

Also, he is frustrated with me for some reason and start lecturing me about my attitude towards people - i.e. being way too empathetic than what I should be. He tried to apologize later but... I think my own frustrations with him are only part of the picture.

On top, he is very interested in being a relationship and starting family soon...I think not that much in me as a person but as a "vehicle" for the aforementioned... which probably explains his cheap behavior despite the "love claims"...I'm so frustrated with this all, I'm still motivated to talk to him seriously, but it doesn't look promising at the moment.

August 12, 2015

I had a similar rs once. I knew he had money problems so would pay but then it got to the point where it was just expected i would pay. And he would suggest we go out but then assume i would pay. I would always go to his place and work around his life. You do get resentful about it because it is very one sided. Try talking to him about it. It is a good test of a rs If you can work through these problems. See if he is receptive to your issues and if he wants to work on them

August 12, 2015

some people spend on small things and others spend on big things. My father is a man like that, he won't buy xmas presents but he will give u things and he will pay for your full university tuition. So.. about the money, it might be a big picture thing. But no relationship is perfect. If he's attentive and good listener, there is much to hope for

August 12, 2015

Thanks, it is indeed not so much the money thing, it is the one sidedness. Somehow he still haven't got over the "being a single child" syndrome.

Receptiveness will be the key to stay indeed.

I had a similar rs once. I knew he had money problems so would pay but then it got to the point where it was just expected i would pay. And he would suggest we go out but then assume i would pay. I would always go to his place and work around his life. You do get resentful about it because it is very one sided. Try talking to him about it. It is a good test of a rs If you can work through these problems. See if he is receptive to your issues and if he wants to work on them

August 12, 2015

Actually i start to care less about the money. It is more that he makes it too one-sided, and is excessive short term / horible long term planner.

Big picture: he has qualities not to miss, but still the things in post 19 (lack of open/good communication, mainly) bug me... I feel like I should bite my tongue for a little longer before thinking of a break up though...

some people spend on small things and others spend on big things. My father is a man like that, he won't buy xmas presents but he will give u things and he will pay for your full university tuition. So.. about the money, it might be a big picture thing. But no relationship is perfect. If he's attentive and good listener, there is much to hope for

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