Ladyjane14 Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 His comment to his wife was RUDE. It lacked consideration for her feelings. And in so lacking was ineffective as a means of communication. If the OP used the exact same method to communicate her feelings as her husband did, I doubt he would be very appreciative of the sentiment. Afterall, she could just as easily tell him to get his fat ass up off the couch every time she sees him sitting. Maybe she'd like the original package that she married. That sh*t goes BOTH ways. The wise person knows it.....and keeps a civil tongue in their head.
phillygirl63 Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Her husband seemed remorseful once she told him how it made her feel. Haven't we all said unkind things to our significant other at various times? It's not right and is down right mean but it seems like he was just in a rotten mood and taking it out on her. If he constantly said things like that and was putting her down because of it then that would be something entirely different...and as for women going downhill, I gotta tell you, when I sit in church on a Sunday and I look at the 50 and 60 somethings, invariably, it's the women that have kept themselves up. Nicely groomed, nice clothes, makeup - maybe a little thick around the middle or can but nothing outrageous. The chubby little bald, disheveled men are another story. As for all the exercise advice. I agree. Walking is wonderful and that's how I was able to start running. I walked for a long time and then got a little bored and thought I'd run to make it go a little faster. Now I run six miles five or six times a week. I dropped 20 pounds and I'm 41 and feel way better about myself than I did when I was 31. The only thing is, is that I need to eat a lot because at one point I got way too thin and that really can make you look older around the face area. I wouldn't encourage skipping meals though, but instead eating small, healthy meals (always with some protein) throughout the day. And small is small! Don't think American portions - think European!
Guest Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion It's hard to have any sympathy for either of you in this. Should he have kept his mouth shut? Yepper. Should you call him a pig? Did I call him a pig to his face? No, I did it here. Because he is a pig! He can eat all he wants, sit on his butt as soon as he walks in the front door from work, and eat fried and junk food all night but he's not a pig? Am I jealous he does this, no, because he is more overweight than I am! But that is ok, he is a man and it doesn't matter if a man is fatter than a woman. Women are suppose to be thin, if they aren't think, men think they are pigs and have no self control. How long have you been together? I get the sense that it's been quite some time - years, perhaps. What reason do *both* of you have for not dealing with housework and child-rearing issues for all this time? What does that matter how long we have been together? Yes, it has been years if you really want to know. His reason for not helping with the housework is because he is too damn lazy, or just doesn't give a s***, to help around the house. He would rather sit in front of the tv all night and then falls asleep there. One last thing: You said yourself that when you had separated, you lost some weight and he thought you looked great. But as soon as you got back together, "I started eating again and I wasn't careful and gained the weight back". uh... HELLO!! Since weight is obviously an issue for both of you, but you're the one who actually gained it back, then who's the responsible party here? Yes, it's my responsibilty here for gaining the weight back, not his. But it doesn't help when all he brings home is ice cream and other fattening foods. I don't have the foods, I may treat myself to a bowl of ice cream once a week and that is it. I work for a daycare and have meals and snacks with the children. I can not bring in my own food because it'a against the regulations. I have to eat what the cook prepares. I don't get a lunch break so when the children eat, that is when I eat. And if I am so fat, why does he bring home one of my favorite ice cream and tell me he thought I might like it so he bought me some. If I was so damn fat he shouldn't be buying me fattening things. I have mentioned in the past it was nice of him to think of me but not to buy me anymore fattening things because I wont/can't eat them. If I refuse to eat anything fattening he prepares for meals he becomes upset because he worked so hard on the meal. And when I don't eat it, he feels like I don't care. He should have been more sensitive to your issues. No question. He came off like an a**h***. But I'll give him this: you know exactly what his problem is, and it's entirely within your control. Now, whether you choose to do something about it or not is entirely up to you. I agree. I have a choice, I can either stay this way, or loose weight. But he has choice to be an a**h*** or not be an a**h*** with his comments. Remember... men communicate to exchange information, wimmen communicate to share emotions. He wasn't telling you that he's disgusted with you, he's telling you facts (as he sees them). It was your own interpretation that got you all bent out of shape. He could of been a little kinder with the words he used. So what's the next step? Try something like this: Make a plan, and get him in on it, to resolve the weight issue. Go for a walk together a couple times a week (take the kids, too). Turn off the TV. Get off the computer. Do stuff together other than the normal grunt stuff around the house. Heck... hire a maid! The $50 (or whatever) per week is probably a small price to pay for quality time among your family. Ha!!! Hire a maid!!! It's kind of hard for me to spend money on the maid when he spends it all on himself! I wont go there, it's a touchy subject. The point is not just to exercise to get the weight off. It's to spend time together to attain a goal, regardless of what the goal is. The family bonds will become stronger, you may even lose some weight, and hey, you might even have some fun. Him go for a walk? HA! I have tried that so many times. I have asked him to go bike riding with me and our children and I always get the same, exact answer, "Not tonight." I gave up. He always says no. So stop the blame game and take action! A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. I have one more thing to add, I can tell you are a MAN!!! I hope you aren't married because if you are, I feel sorry for your wife.
RecordProducer Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 If the OP used the exact same method to communicate her feelings as her husband did, I doubt he would be very appreciative of the sentiment. Afterall, she could just as easily tell him to get his fat ass up off the couch every time she sees him sitting. Actually he'd probably say "you're right". Most men are not so sensitive by nature.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Most men are not so sensitive by nature. I don't know.....I'd say if we're speaking in general terms, men are just as sensitive as women when it comes to criticism. Emotionally, they might react differently. He might react initially with anger, but on the inside I'd imagine that the effect is just as detrimental to the self-esteem. I very much doubt that the real issue for either of these folks is weight. As I said earlier, I think it's probably just a topic. If it was her weight that was really bothering him, he'd have probably done a better job of approaching her. Not that the topic itself is unimportant, but that the real issues here are communicating respectfully, and feeling loved and supported in the relationship. It appears that this man lashed out at his wife. He took a jab at her and landed it where he thought she would feel it the most. That would suggest that his perception of her at the moment was that she was somehow hurting him, or he was in some way blaming her for his situation. I think she'll find more answers in reviewing the circumstances of the day. What was happening to him specifically that would account for the anger? Perhaps he wanted to use the computer himself. Perhaps he was going out to get the gas because the lawn needed to be mowed, and he was tired and he felt overwhelmed by the chore. Perhaps he was merely hungry, and dinner wasn't ready yet. It's more likely to be something like that than it is to be about her body. Adults aren't so much different from children really, in that feelings of fatigue, hunger, or illness make us react emotionally. It's just easier to recognize in your child than it is in your spouse. It's really hard to do sometimes, but the best way to tackle a situation like that is to offer sympathy. More like...."Honey, what's wrong? What can I do to help you?" That won't stop you from getting a litany of topics. But somewhere in the middle of all the other junk that comes out of his mouth will be the REAL problem. And he'll feel better for having shared the burden of it....and you'll feel better for having reached an understanding of it. And who knows? Maybe you'll BOTH learn to be sympathetic with one another in this way, and he'll learn to do the same for you on occasions when you are less than reasonable. Dr Phil refers to that as "the soft place to fall". I like that. It's what we sign on to do for one another when we initially get married. Sometimes, you just have to get in the game and set the example.
slubberdegullion Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Guest I have one more thing to add, I can tell you are a MAN!!! I hope you aren't married because if you are, I feel sorry for your wife. Yes, I'm a man all right. And as a man I'm ashamed that your hub isn't as supportive as I think he should be. But the fact remains: You are the one in control of the weight situation, not him. You are the one in control of your own happiness, not him. The moment you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking action is the moment you begin to take control. Insult me all you want, it bothers me not a whit. But if you ask for advice and guidance, be prepared to hear (or, rather, read) things that make you uncomfortable.
moimeme Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Well, if he's not contributing in any way to helping you lose weight and he's doing things like preparing fatty meals and buying ice cream, then point out each and every time that you can't possibly lose weight and nor can he as long as you eat that sort of food and don't exercise. And then tell him that he best never make a remark about your weight again unless he participate with you in losing weight. Nothing worse than someone who criticizes you for doing the very thing he does himself! The folks are right that he may have miscommunicated unwittingly, but if he's criticizing and sabotaging you both, then it's time to enlist the help of a professional because there are deeper issues here than your weight.
slubberdegullion Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme ...it's time to enlist the help of a professional because there are deeper issues here than your weight. (emphasis added) There is much wisdom here.
scarlyjones Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 163 lbs and 5ft 5?? You're more than 25 or 30lbs over weight. Im sorry to be the one to say it, but, c'mon....its true. That would put you at around 130 or so. Still overweight at 5ft 5". Why dont you just exercise? ARe you saying that every thin, physically fit person you see is simply not as busy as you? Please. I have two jobs,....and go to school and I still go to the gym 3 times a week. You DO have time. You're just lazy. Sorry. Sad but true.
FolderWife Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 she has babies do you have babies, scarly? I think kids really drain a person..however, she could make time to exercise if she wanted to...so could I. I woke up this morning at six oclock to exercise. I did NOT want to get up and work out...so I slept for an extra 20 minutes...but I'm just lazy
StillHurtin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones 163 lbs and 5ft 5?? You're more than 25 or 30lbs over weight. Im sorry to be the one to say it, but, c'mon....its true. That would put you at around 130 or so. Still overweight at 5ft 5". Why dont you just exercise? ARe you saying that every thin, physically fit person you see is simply not as busy as you? Please. I have two jobs,....and go to school and I still go to the gym 3 times a week. You DO have time. You're just lazy. Sorry. Sad but true. For your information I am also 5'5 and two doctors said for my height my ideal weight is between 130 and 141 so no, the orginal poster is not more than 30 lbs OW. So I suppose your gonna argue w/ me that the doctors are wrong, huh? And I can't answer for the original poster but I also work full time, have children, a husband, and a house to take care of. It doesn't leave me a whole lot of time to exercise either. The moment I get home from work I cook, clean, help w/ homework, get the kids in the tub,to bed and then it's time for myself relaxing, spend some alone time w/ my husband, and then it's time for bed. It has nothing to do w/ being lazy. If I, or the poster, was lazy, we wouldn't cook, clean, or take care of our children. And from what the poster said, her husband doesn't seem to help around the house much, just like mine doesn't. I don't care if you have two jobs, and go to school and still make it to the gym 3x's a week, you probably don't have children or a husband/wife to take care of. I went to college full time, worked close to 40 hours a week, and all I did was party my a$$ off and I was no where OW and I didn't exercise, at all and I drank A LOT of beer. I was actually underweight and my family and friends were concerned about my weight. When you are in your early 20's it's easier to keep the weight off. When you hit 30 it's harder.
Reflection Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones 163 lbs and 5ft 5?? You're more than 25 or 30lbs over weight. Im sorry to be the one to say it, but, c'mon....its true. That would put you at around 130 or so. Still overweight at 5ft 5". Why dont you just exercise? ARe you saying that every thin, physically fit person you see is simply not as busy as you? Please. I have two jobs,....and go to school and I still go to the gym 3 times a week. You DO have time. You're just lazy. Sorry. Sad but true. Are you Serious? 130 at 5'5" is damn near medically perfect. Infact, the poster is LESS overweight then she thinks she is, as at her height she could be 150 before being considered overweight medically, as the recomended weight is 114-150. It's sad that you would call 130 at 5'5" overweight. Get over yourself. Some people have priorities that come above going to the gym. I would hope that kids and family would be one of them. But I'd assume you dont have any kids and don't seem to understand that (not that I have kids either.)
scarlyjones Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Oooookaaaaaaaaaaay,.............yes,..I DO have two kids. Ages 3 and 4. My husband helps out enough for me to go to the gym. I AM in my thirties. I'm 33. It seems you're saying you cant exercise because your husband doesnt help out enough. The ideal weight for a female 5ft 5 is 122lbs. The weight RANGE for someone to still be HEALTHY is 119lbs to 149Lbs. There is a difference. There are healthy people who are still overweight. Its OBESE people who are at a health risk. Ya know,.....I always thought opinions were things people were entitled to. I didnt call anyone any names. Seems to me that maybe I struck a cord with you in order for you to open your post with calling me a "twit". Very mature, by the way. People who arent happy with themselves are usually the ones who are very thinskinned when it comes to certain subjects. Truth hurts sometimes. Im sorry. Im just sick of people saying that they are big boned,...dont have TIME to exercise,.....like their days are far more busy than most people,....the President of the United States exercises everyday for crying out loud. Are you busier than him? Its funny how almost all overweight people NEVER say "Im lazy". Its always "Its genetic" ....."I CANT lose weight"......"Im big boned"......."Im under-tall" ........."its a thyroid thing" ...............its never just that they are too lazy to exercise or just that they like McDonalds and Taco Bell too much to give them up. Im not saying be thin. Im saying ,.....be honest.
scarlyjones Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin all I did was party my a$$ off and I was no where OW and I didn't exercise, at all and I drank A LOT of beer. you sound like a real catch.
scarlyjones Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin all I did was party my a$$ off and I was no where OW and I didn't exercise, at all and I drank A LOT of beer. you sound like a real catch.
Relfection Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones The ideal weight for a female 5ft 5 is 122lbs. The weight RANGE for someone to still be HEALTHY is 119lbs to 149Lbs. There is a difference. There are healthy people who are still overweight. Its OBESE people who are at a health risk. Actually you're quite wrong there. That'd be like saying someone who is under the "ideal" weight but not under the lower limit is underweight. It's a range for a reason, there is no one weight for every height. Over 150 at 5'5" is overweight. One's not "Obese at that height until over 180, and higher obviously to be considered morbidly obese. Get your facts straight before you come posting on here.
StillHurtin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones Oooookaaaaaaaaaaay,.............yes,..I DO have two kids. Ages 3 and 4. My husband helps out enough for me to go to the gym. I AM in my thirties. I'm 33. It seems you're saying you cant exercise because your husband doesnt help out enough. The ideal weight for a female 5ft 5 is 122lbs. The weight RANGE for someone to still be HEALTHY is 119lbs to 149Lbs. There is a difference. There are healthy people who are still overweight. Its OBESE people who are at a health risk. Ya know,.....I always thought opinions were things people were entitled to. I didnt call anyone any names. Seems to me that maybe I struck a cord with you in order for you to open your post with calling me a "twit". Very mature, by the way. People who arent happy with themselves are usually the ones who are very thinskinned when it comes to certain subjects. Truth hurts sometimes. Im sorry. Im just sick of people saying that they are big boned,...dont have TIME to exercise,.....like their days are far more busy than most people,....the President of the United States exercises everyday for crying out loud. Are you busier than him? Its funny how almost all overweight people NEVER say "Im lazy". Its always "Its genetic" ....."I CANT lose weight"......"Im big boned"......."Im under-tall" ........."its a thyroid thing" ...............its never just that they are too lazy to exercise or just that they like McDonalds and Taco Bell too much to give them up. Im not saying be thin. Im saying ,.....be honest. I apologize for calling you a twit, but it was pretty rude of you to tell the original poster she is more than 30lbs OW. She comes here for advice, to vent, or whatever, and here you bring her down and make her probably feel worse b/c in her eyes, she doesn't think she is more than 30lbs OW. Where did you get your facts: " The ideal weight for a female 5ft 5 is 122lbs. The weight RANGE for someone to still be HEALTHY is 119lbs to 149Lbs."? When I told my doctors I wanted to be down to 125 again they both said that was too thin and I needed to be around 130-141. Being too thin can be dangerous to your health also. As for the President, he has his exercise time fit into a daily schedule. I bet there are plenty of times where he can't exercise b/c something is happening where it's impossible for him to. You are a forunate wife that has a H that is willing to take the load off for you so you can go exercise. As for you comment "you sound like a real catch." was pretty immature also of you. When I drank a lot I was in college and that was was 15 years ago, I don't do that anymore. I guess everyone in the world who drinks beer every night is a "real catch" huh? My brother has a few beers every night after work and he is the best damn H to his wife and the best father to his kids. He treats his wife like a queen and he drinks every night. Guess he isn't a good catch for my sil huh? I agree that too many ppl are obesed b/c they eat at Mcdonalds or Taco Bell too much. For your information, there are many ppl out there who do have a thyroid problem that have not have it diagnosed to get on the proper meds to regulate it. I just thought it was pretty rude of you to tell the poster she was more OW that what she orginally thought b/c you didn't have the correct facts on that. I agree 100% w/ what Reflection posted. My kids come b4 my exercising. When I have the time to exercise, I do, but I go for walks. I am not as fortunate as you to be able to afford to go to the gym so I use exercise equipment and walk at home.
slubberdegullion Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Before people go beaking off about who's overweight and what some doctor said, do some research first. There's a height/weight chart here: http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm
slubberdegullion Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin My kids come b4 my exercising. Whaaa...? You'd rather run the risk of leaving them without a mom due to a heart attack or something and make sure they have their hair brushed, rather than take care of yourself??? The best present any parent can give to their kid(s) is a healthy, well-adjusted mom/dad.
StillHurtin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion Whaaa...? You'd rather run the risk of leaving them without a mom due to a heart attack or something and make sure they have their hair brushed, rather than take care of yourself??? The best present any parent can give to their kid(s) is a healthy, well-adjusted mom/dad. No, I wouldn't slubber, but if my kids need help w/ their homework you bet I am going to help them over exercising. And if it's getting late, I skip the exercising. I don't have the funds to get a membership at a gym, therefore, I walk. I have plenty of exercise videos but my H thinks he has to watch the big screen in the LR instead of going into the bedroom to watch tv, so I walk (no room in my bedroom to workout.) My kids and I usually ride bikes together but lately the weather hasn't been very cooperative (been raining a lot). It's very hard to get in a workout. As soon as I get home, I cook, clean up, do laundry, help w/ homework, get my kids in the shower, get their butts to bed, and by that time it's dark. I do a lot of walking during the day b/c of my job. I sit for an hour total during my 8 hour shift and that is for breakfast and lunch with my preschool children.
Guest Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Thank you SH and Reflection for your kind words. I was debating whether to come here or not and reply to my thread because of some of the hurtful words. I have never heard anyone be so cruel! Yes, I do have first hand experience regarding medical issues greatly impacting a person ability to gain weight. First lets start with the thyroid. A major symptom of hypothyroidism (under active thyroid) is weight gain. I gained weight while I was off my synthyroid while preparing for thyroid cancer treatment. I was also on a ULTRA ULTRA ULTRA resticitive diet. The diet is called the Low-Iodine Diet I gained over 10 pounds in a two week period both times. Another medical issue that affects a person weight is called Cushings Syndrome. A persons body makes too much cortisol caused by a tumor on the pitutiary gland or the adrenal gland. Not all doctors will diagnose the disease. Most dr's too think that patients are just being lazy and dont' care. Metabolic disorders do exist as well. For starters Type II Non Insulin Diabetics (Insulin Resistance) which causes a persons body to make too much insulin. The cells won't process the insulin properly so your body turns food into fat. Yes, it can be controlled by diet and exercise too. But unless the dr is looking for it they won't find it. I have been tested for Cushings but my cortisol is fine. But I have been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance. BTW my dr told me to be happy with .5 weight loss a week. Over a six month period of exercise and healthy eating I lost 9 pounds so that is 1.5 pound a month for a loss I would greatly appreciate it if you would pass along my information to her. She needs to become more educated. First of all, not everyone can $$$$$ a gym. Obviously the 1st poster husband isn't too supportive so I don't think he helps out much at home. Obviously the original poster needs alot of support.
Guest Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 I wanted to verify that my last post got deleted by the mods. What I posted was from a friend of mine who has suffered medical problems and is OW due to the her medical problems. Just to inform you that being OW is not always the persons fault, they aren't just lazy
slubberdegullion Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 All this medical mumbo-jumbo is really nice, but the prevalence of these so-called disorders is rare. It is far, far more likely that there are other lifestyle issues here that need examining before we send someone off to the doctor for yet-another-pill to cure something that we could handle ourselves if we only took action. Cushing's syndrome is, according to the official webite, a rare disorder, affecting only 3% to 5% of US citizens each year. Hypothyroidism can be an issue, but obesity is one of the causes, not one of the results. Same goes for Type II Diabetes. Obesity, on the other hand, is rampant in North America. From the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: A study published in the January 1, 2003, issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), reported that the prevalence of obesity among US adults climbed from 19.8 percent to 20.9 percent between 2000 and 2001, and diagnosed diabetes (including gestational diabetes) increased from 7.3 percent to 7.9 percent during the same one-year period. The increases were evident regardless of sex, age, race, and educational status. An estimated 44.3 million U.S. adults were obese (21.4 million men and 22.9 million women), and 2.3 percent (1.7 percent of men and 2.8 percent of women) of the adult population had a BMI of greater than or equal to 40, versus 0.9 percent in 1991. http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/obesity/trend/obesity_diabetes_characteristics.htm
MJTig Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones 163 lbs and 5ft 5?? You're more than 25 or 30lbs over weight. Im sorry to be the one to say it, but, c'mon....its true. That would put you at around 130 or so. Still overweight at 5ft 5". Why dont you just exercise? ARe you saying that every thin, physically fit person you see is simply not as busy as you? Please. I have two jobs,....and go to school and I still go to the gym 3 times a week. You DO have time. You're just lazy. Sorry. Sad but true. Excuse me, 130 pounds is not overweight for a 5'5" woman. Depending on her frame it can be anywhere between 121-140 lbs. I am 5'5" and under 130 pounds I would look skeletal. Be realisitic, and realize she is not looking to get a Gwyneth Paltrow or Jennifer Garner body - she'd have to work out 4 hours a day like Jennifer does for that. Unrealisitic goals are the first death to a new way of eating, etc. OP and to add to all this mumbo jumbo- I was born without a thyroid gland and therefore have hypothyroid (which a majority of woman have to some extent). I will say if your levels are not up to par, not only do you gain weight at the drop of the hat- you have no energy and no will to do anything. Worth a test to make sure you are not waging an uphill battle. THAT SAID, you still have to find time to exercise and eat right.
Guest Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion All this medical mumbo-jumbo is really nice, but the prevalence of these so-called disorders is rare. It is far, far more likely that there are other lifestyle issues here that need examining before we send someone off to the doctor for yet-another-pill to cure something that we could handle ourselves if we only took action. Cushing's syndrome is, according to the official webite, a rare disorder, affecting only 3% to 5% of US citizens each year. Hypothyroidism can be an issue, but obesity is one of the causes, not one of the results. Same goes for Type II Diabetes. Obesity, on the other hand, is rampant in North America. From the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/obesity/trend/obesity_diabetes_characteristics.htm I agree obesity is rampant in North America but I am NOT obesed. I can't remember who posted the link about the height and weight, was that you? I went to the link and sure enough, I am about 30 lbs OW, not more like scarlyjones says.
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