Guest Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 I don't know whether to cry, ignore him, yell at him, or kick his a$$ out of my house. When I got home from work I swept and mopped the kitchen floor. I sat down to take a break to check my email and he came home, got some money, and ran to get gas. He called me on his cell and said "If you spent more time exercising instead of playing on the computer you wouldn't be so big." B@STARD!!! I told him I had to go and hung up. He got home and didn't bother apologizing. I work FT, come home and cook, clean, help our kids w/ homework and then it's time for bed. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from work, and taking care of our kids and our home. He barely helps out. Once in awhile he will take the trash out and unload and load the DW but that is about it. I have asked him if he could plz help out but he hardly does. I am 5'5 and 163 lbs. I realize I am 25-30 lbs OW and yes, I wish I was thin again. I try to watch what I eat, count calories and fats, but the weight isn't coming off. Yes, I know I need to exercise, but he shouldn't be so hard on me about my weight. I could be 100 lbs OW! He would probably divorce me if I was that much OW b/c he is a PIG! If a man, or wife, truely loves their spouse they should love them no matter what they look like. My mom has been OW for as long as I remember and my dad loves her just as much as he did when they got married almost 50 years ago. When H says such mean things to me I just don't feel he really does love me. Yes, we have been to marriage counseling, and yes she told him he needs to stop critizing me, but does he listen, no. Sometimes I wonder why I am still married to him. I still love him I just can't take this anymore. And by the way, he is about 50 lbs heavier than what he was when we got married! I am about 30 lbs heavier than when we got married so who is the one who let themselves go more, him but he doesn't see it that way. He only cares what I look like and I am not the desired weight he wants me at but he doesn't care about what he weighs.
agnf666 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Sounds like you have a problem here. If you have been to marriage counseling and that didn't help. Then you need to sit down with him and tell him that that stuff hurts your feelings. Have you told him that it hurts you when he says those things. I don't suggest kicking him out unless he just really upsets you to the point you can;t deal with it anymore. You may be able to work things out. Tell him that people change and not everyone is a size 2. He needs not to be so shallow.
quankanne Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 classic response 1: "F-off, pendejo!" classic response 2: "Let's see: I'm fat and you're an *sshole. I can lose weight. What can you do?" I don't often suggest this, but sometimes being right back in someone's face lets them see just how damned rude they are. He could have found a better way to get his message across if he *really* needed to, and he knows it. life's too short to bottle up the hurt and put up with that kind of garbage ... from ANYone!
agnf666 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 This guy is a shallow a**h***. She does need to stand up for her self so maybe he will ge tthe hint to go screw himself!
Ladyjane14 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by quankanne life's too short to bottle up the hurt and put up with that kind of garbage ... from ANYone! True. All that bullsh*t was about his state of mind...not about you. He's striking out because you're close. Call him on it next time. Criticism has NO value unless it's constructive. He didn't have any REAL point to make. He was just b*tchy and taking it out on you.
Guest Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 thanks for the replies. I have told him how much it hurts me when he critizes me about my weight. I told him tonight how much he hurt me by saying that and he told me that he didn't mean it that way, and I took it personal. He said I am always saying I have no time to exercise but I can sit on the computer for an hour or two at a time. He said he was sorry that he hurt my feelings but he can't understand how I can't find the time to exercise but have time to sit at the computer. I told him that I am exhausted at the end of the day from working, then coming home to do housework, ect. He just rolls his eyes. I am on my feet almost 8 hours a day walking around working. I don't just sit, and I don't just sit there. I am on the move most of my 8 hour shift. I have a habit of bitching to myself about my weight and he hears it. Should I just stop bitching about it to myself b/c then maybe he wont think it bothers ME so much I am OW and he will back off a little? At times I wonder if he hears me bitching to myself about my weight and then not exercise annoys him. I don't know. All I know is that he doesn't care if he is OW, but if I am, it's makes him less attractive to him. Several years ago we did get a separation (his choice) and I lost about 20 lbs because I went through depression. He kept commenting on how great I looked when he had visitations with our children. After several months of separation we got back 2gether and I started eating again and I wasn't careful and gained the weight back. I was good enough for him when I was 20 lighter but now the crap has started back over again. Maybe it's wrong but sometimes I feel like having an affair to proove to him that other men still find me attractive even though he doesn't. I would never do it but the thought has crossed my mind.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 It's really frustrating when your spouse is criticizing you, and failing to notice that he is living in his OWN 'glass house'. There's a certain amount of disrespect in your communications with each other that needs to be addressed, for one thing. That should take top priority. How you say something is just as important as what you say. The inability to communicate effectively is the REAL issue. The weight-gain is just a topic. Deal with the issue first. Spend some time talking together about communications. What works; what doesn't? How can yours words be delivered more respectfully to each other? Then tackle the topic of weight-gain. You'll need to share your feelings regarding his weight as well as your own. You are responsible for making sure that you're getting fair treatment here, so that you may avoid the trap of resentment later. Try to reach an agreement on how you'll both address this together. There are TONS of ideas for cooking, food shopping, and excersizing. In the right frame of mind, this could be a terrific opportunity for the two of you to share quality time together. Also, be on the lookout for unmet emotional needs, both yours and his. Oftentimes, when the communications break-down occurs, it's because one (or both of you) are NOT having their EN's met in the relationship. The resentment and frustration of that will cause a certain amount of acting-out and disrespect. p.s. I think you're right about allowing him to hear your self-criticism. Be nicer to YOU. Then expect that same good treatment from others.
Cecelius Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 He sounds like a jerk, frankly. If he wants you to lose the weight, he should offer to take over enough housework (to make it equitable) to give you the time to exercise.
laRubiaBonita Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 is he such a pussy that he could not tell you this while he was at the house....and not call you to tell you. what a dork-off!
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Ok. After reading your second post, I don't hate him...as much You mentioned that you bitch about your weight. Men have a NATURAL TENDANCY to try to help people they love. You talk about how fat you are, and whine about it. So his first instinct is to try to help you. You whine, "I'm so fat, and I don't have time to exercise." He wants to help you, so he tries to find a time for you to exercise. He sees you on the computer, and while driving to the gas station, he thinks to himself, "hey! If she didn't get on the computer, she would HAVE TIME to exercise! And if she exercised, she could lose weight!" Problem solved! So he calls you with this great idea...and it comes off as totally insensitive. When you say, "Gosh, I'm so FAT!" you're wanting him to say, "You look beautiful to me " but instead, he tries to come up with a productive way to fix your 'problem'. If you are too tired to exercise, stop saying, "I don't have time to exercise". You DO have time to exercise...you are just too tired. From now on, if you feel like whining, say, "I work so much that I don't have the energy to exercise." That way, he'll find ways to help you have more energy to exercise, instead of more time.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 The next time he says something like that- say, yeah, you know I've been thinking about that and I think you're right. What say I lose this 30lbs and then lose YOU???
tokyo Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by Monday If you are too tired to exercise, stop saying, "I don't have time to exercise". You DO have time to exercise...you are just too tired. From now on, if you feel like whining, say, "I work so much that I don't have the energy to exercise." That way, he'll find ways to help you have more energy to exercise, instead of more time. I like Monday's advice.
tanbark813 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by Guest At times I wonder if he hears me bitching to myself about my weight and then not exercise annoys him. I am guessing this is it. And actually, if you exercised more then work wouldn't tire you out as much.
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Thank you kooky I actually impressed myself with that one
RecordProducer Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by Guest If a man, or wife, truly loves their spouse they should love them no matter what they look like. My mom has been OW for as long as I remember and my dad loves her just as much as he did when they got married almost 50 years ago. When H says such mean things to me I just don't feel he really does love me. You said yourself your parents married 50 years ago. Fifty years ago my grandparents were 35 years old and my grandmother was fat. My grandfather loved her and he liked that she was fat. He said she was a real woman. But nowadays the men's taste for beauty has changed. And objectively you would look much better if you were thin. He hurt you, but it's not the end of the world. What hurts you is the truth and not what he said. He didn't say anything mean. What he said was the truth. Every woman should take care of her face, hair, and body. He is not shallow. It's not his fault that he likes it thin. And it doesn't necessarily means he doesn't love you. He just wants you to be thin again. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have tried to stimulate you to lose weight; he would have divorced you or cheated on you with some thin woman. You don't want that to happen, do you? Honestly, if he told you that you looked perfect, would you believe him? Is closing your eyes in front of problems the best way of (not) solving them? I wonder why men are condemned to be called insensitive asses when they say the truth, and women enjoy the privilege of criticizing their bad habits without any consequences. You criticize your husband for not helping you in the house, right? Shouldn't you love him regardless? You'll think "Oh, but objectively he should help me!" Well, objectively you should lose weight. You will only gain more as you age, not lose any unless you try and do something about it now. He might be concerned about your health as well. And you should be too. If you think he is OW too then suggest that you both start a diet. Make it more motivating and compete who's going to lose more weight. You'll both gain from losing extra lbs and he will understand how hard it is to starve.
StillHurtin Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer You said yourself your parents married 50 years ago. Fifty years ago my grandparents were 35 years old and my grandmother was fat. My grandfather loved her and he liked that she was fat. He said she was a real woman. But nowadays the men's taste for beauty has changed. And objectively you would look much better if you were thin. He hurt you, but it's not the end of the world. What hurts you is the truth and not what he said. He didn't say anything mean. What he said was the truth. Every woman should take care of her face, hair, and body. He is not shallow. It's not his fault that he likes it thin. And it doesn't necessarily means he doesn't love you. He just wants you to be thin again. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have tried to stimulate you to lose weight; he would have divorced you or cheated on you with some thin woman. You don't want that to happen, do you? Honestly, if he told you that you looked perfect, would you believe him? Is closing your eyes in front of problems the best way of (not) solving them? I wonder why men are condemned to be called insensitive asses when they say the truth, and women enjoy the privilege of criticizing their bad habits without any consequences. You criticize your husband for not helping you in the house, right? Shouldn't you love him regardless? You'll think "Oh, but objectively he should help me!" Well, objectively you should lose weight. You will only gain more as you age, not lose any unless you try and do something about it now. He might be concerned about your health as well. And you should be too. If you think he is OW too then suggest that you both start a diet. Make it more motivating and compete who's going to lose more weight. You'll both gain from losing extra lbs and he will understand how hard it is to starve. Ouch RP, that was some harsh advice, IMO. The part that got me was the part where you asked her if she wanted her H to have an A w/ some woman who is thin! That was pretty harsh. My H is similiar to the poster, always on my a$$ about loosing weight b/c he knows I feel better about myself when I am thinner. B4 the A I was a overweight by a few pounds and he had an A w/ his co-worker that was about the same size as I am. It made me feel even worse he had an A w/ some woman that was just as big as myself when he always mentioned that I could loose a few pounds. Also, my H's best friend had an A on his wife w/ my good friend and she was almost as big as his wife (who was obesed). Anyhow, what you are telling the poster is that if she doesn't loose weight then don't be suprised if her H has an A on her b/c of it. That was wrong. Maybe the poster has a medical problem and doesn't realize it and that is one of her reasons why she can't loose the weight. I had a thyroid check b/c I thought that was my reason why I couldn't loose when I tried so hard. H and I tried dieting 2gether once and he always lost more than I did b/c men have a higher metobilsm (sp) than women do. I was always so ticked he was loosing faster and I would pracitically starve myself to keep up w/ him and that wasn't the right way to do it. The poster should be advised to find a female friend to help each other out. To the poster, have you tried fitday.com? It take a few minutes out of your day but it's an awesome site.
RecordProducer Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 StillHurtin, I don't know why you're reading between my lines when you can just read the lines. I said that her husband obviously loves her, cuz if he didn't, he would have divorced her or cheated on her. The truth is many husbands cheat because they're no longer physically attracted to their wives. In your case, the weight was obviously NOT the reason for infidelity. I am sorry for being harsh, but men are not our best friends or moms. They look at other women, they do lots of things to hurt us, and they shouldn't be taken for granted. Don't you think I know what a man is? You think I like them? You know the saying: you can't live with them, but you can't kill them all!
slubberdegullion Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 It's hard to have any sympathy for either of you in this. Should he have kept his mouth shut? Yepper. Should you call him a pig? Oh, probably not. So he's overheard you b!tching to yourself about your weight? Well, in a sense he's agreeing with you. How long have you been together? I get the sense that it's been quite some time - years, perhaps. What reason do *both* of you have for not dealing with housework and child-rearing issues for all this time? One last thing: You said yourself that when you had separated, you lost some weight and he thought you looked great. But as soon as you got back together, "I started eating again and I wasn't careful and gained the weight back". uh... HELLO!! Since weight is obviously an issue for both of you, but you're the one who actually gained it back, then who's the responsible party here? He should have been more sensitive to your issues. No question. He came off like an a**h***. But I'll give him this: you know exactly what his problem is, and it's entirely within your control. Now, whether you choose to do something about it or not is entirely up to you. Remember... men communicate to exchange information, wimmen communicate to share emotions. He wasn't telling you that he's disgusted with you, he's telling you facts (as he sees them). It was your own interpretation that got you all bent out of shape. So what's the next step? Try something like this: Make a plan, and get him in on it, to resolve the weight issue. Go for a walk together a couple times a week (take the kids, too). Turn off the TV. Get off the computer. Do stuff together other than the normal grunt stuff around the house. Heck... hire a maid! The $50 (or whatever) per week is probably a small price to pay for quality time among your family. The point is not just to exercise to get the weight off. It's to spend time together to attain a goal, regardless of what the goal is. The family bonds will become stronger, you may even lose some weight, and hey, you might even have some fun. So stop the blame game and take action! A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion.
ReginoldMcKay Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by Guest ...If a man, or wife, truely loves their spouse they should love them no matter what they look like. That is complete bullsh-, and I think everyone knows it. When I got home from work I swept and mopped the kitchen floor. I sat down to take a break to check my email and he came home, got some money, and ran to get gas. He called me on his cell and said "If you spent more time exercising instead of playing on the computer you wouldn't be so big." B@STARD!!! I told him I had to go and hung up. He said what he thought. What he said was not mean. He got home and didn't bother apologizing. What for? I work FT, come home and cook, clean, help our kids w/ homework and then it's time for bed. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from work, and taking care of our kids and our home. He barely helps out. Once in awhile he will take the trash out and unload and load the DW but that is about it. I have asked him if he could plz help out but he hardly does. None of that is really exercising, you know. Just because you do all of that, you think you're entitled to let yourself get fat? If your weight is bothering you, I am sure you could alter your schedule somehow to fit in actual exercise time. "Running around" in the car is not exercising. Go walk and start drinking lots of water. If your husband is overweight, and you want to use that against him as an excuse for you to be fat, then you're just being immature.
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 That is complete bullsh-, and I think everyone knows it. You mean to tell me that if your spouse had an accident and it damaged their looks/body, YOU would feel different? That's pretty shallow...Stuff happens in life! Men lose Hair! Men get pot bellies! Hello, we AGE. Can't control that. He said what he thought. What he said was not mean. Depends on HOW he said it...In a joking way or in a rude mean way, or as a matter of fact way. What for? Hello? IT upset her, offended her, and because of that he should feel bad for hurting his wife's feelings. Respect. That's why! None of that is really exercising, you know. Just because you do all of that, you think you're entitled to let yourself get fat? If your weight is bothering you, I am sure you could alter your schedule somehow to fit in actual exercise time. "Running around" in the car is not exercising. Go walk and start drinking lots of water. If your husband is overweight, and you want to use that against him as an excuse for you to be fat, then you're just being immature Noone feels "entitled" to let themselves get fat. Come on R. I think you're full of it and being really harsh here! Woman have kids...The weight gets harder to come off. Some have a real hard time getting motivated to lose the weight! It would be NICE if the husband showed some kind words and support, not putting pressure on her. Its' a mindset too.
slubberdegullion Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Some have a real hard time getting motivated to lose the weight! It would be NICE if the husband showed some kind words and support Nailed it, right on the head. It's about motivation. That has to come from within the person, regardless of outside support. If the hub isn't supportive, so what? It's up to her to make the decision to take the weight off, or not take it off and live with the consequences.
RecordProducer Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup You mean to tell me that if your spouse had an accident and it damaged their looks/body, YOU would feel different? That's pretty shallow...Stuff happens in life! Men lose Hair! Men get pot bellies! Hello, we AGE. Can't control that. QUOTE] Why is the accident always brought when we talk about looks? I mean, how many people have really lost their beauty in accidents? The analogy is not suitable. It's not your fault if you had an accident. You're more likely to stay disabled then ugly after some terrible accident (god forbid!) What if her husband said:"Oh, you want me to help you around the house? And what if I had an accident and lost my legs? Wouldn't you love me anymore cuz I wouldn't be able to help you around your chores?" To the popster: He doesn't like OW women and you want to change that. He can't. But you can change your weight or just accept that your husband doesn't find you as atractive as you can be if you put some effort in losing weight. Do you want him to not notice that you're OW or not tell you that he noticed that?
moimeme Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Here's the thing: exercise gives you energy. I walk home from work every day - and my work involves a lot of getting up and moving around (and lifting boxes, BTW). There are days when I'm just beat by 4:30 but walking home is now a habit so I tie on my sneakers and start walking and after about ten minutes, I start feeling refreshed. Some days I may not walk as swiftly (about 3/4 of the walk is uphill) but I do it and am usually much better when I get home. Same goes for my dance classes; sometimes I'm feeling bushed but I go anyway and inevitably feel better by the end of class. So the thing to do is set yourself a routine and stick to it even if you think you're tired. If you sit still, you're getting less oxygen and your heart's not pumping as much so that you actually feel more tired. I don't know what you mean by 'trying' to watch what you eat, but if you're still buying cakes and cookies and chips and other fatty stuff every shopping trip, that's not trying. If dinners are mostly burgers or pizza or fried crap, that's not trying. You have to cut all that stuff out of your life and off your shopping list. Kids complaining? Too bad - they need to learn to eat well for the sake of their own health. The food industry has responded well to the need to eliminate obesity - there are lots of really tasty healthy foods now. Make it your goal to find tasty healthy find foods and snacks that your family enjoys and after a while you won't even miss the chips and cakes and cookies.
RecordProducer Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 I agree with Moimeme, walking is a perfect exercise when you don't have energy for the gym or jogging. Try to skip dinner and go to bed hungry. Eat ONLY healthy food in low quantities. Are you trying like this? I bet not.
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