Huge epiphany, but now what?

[ggallin13]

Okay, recently I developed a "just friends" relationship with a woman. That is what it is, and it's nutty and everything, but in talking about that relationship both here and with my much wiser (as far as relationships go) little sister, I have come to a few realizations about myself and relationships I would like some feedback on.

 

The current wackiness I am involved in is nothing new. In fact, it seems that I am a serial "just friends" guy. Going back to my early twenties, I have had probably nine or ten of these relationships. In all but a few cases I did end up sleeping with the girl, and in two cases had long term romantic relationships with them.

 

In the past, I believed that I had relationships like this because of something that was wrong with women, that is to say women only wanted to be my friend and that was their problem and what gives? I was always the guy they described as wanting, and it drove me crazy that they couldn't see that I was sitting right in front of them. In reading many of the posts in these forums I am not alone in that experience, to be sure.

 

Now, I realize that the problem isn't/wasn't with women, it is with me. It would be one thing if this had happened to me once, but to constantly repeat the same thing is madness and must be my fault.

 

And it isn't like I haven't had any other opportunities, either. I have had romantic relationships with other women as well, but I was never involved emotionally at all. They didn't last long and I felt no pain at their ending.

 

In two of the "just friends" relationships I got HUGE red flags at the beginning and chose to ignore them and continue on. The most recent is worse than the last in that regard. And in this most recent one, in the beginning I thought that she was pretty and all, but not so much that I really pursued her. We met a few times, talked on the phone briefly a few more, and then it degenerated into phone tag. When I called her twice and she didn't call me back, I blew it off and forgot about it for the most part. A few months after that, though, on my way home I decided to call her at 2:30 in the morning, as that was when she always called me. Instead of getting her answering machine which I expected, she answered and we ended up talking for two hours. Then she called me the next day, and the next, and begged me to go to her birthday party, where we hooked up. It was after that that the "RUN AWAY" voice came into my head while we were in the car going somewhere. I ignored it, and now I am in another one of the usual.

 

When I finally began to be honest with myself, I understand now that I have never really been involved in any of the relationships I have had with women. I am basically acting, and I am pretty good at it. Sure, after the relationship finally explodes or whatever, I feel bad and can line up all of these things that she did wrong that hurt me and even acknowledge my own faults within that context, but after six months or so I am over it and there is no residual feeling whatsoever.

 

The only reason I feel anything, though, is because I am sort of a method actor. I convince myself that I have these feelings, and that makes my performance more convincing. I don't think that I really have them, though, or when these girls' names came up or I bump into them I would actually feel something, but I don't. I don't hate them, but I don't love them either. I am totally indifferent. Looking back (and in my one of these now) I can see me doing it. I was never conscious of it before, of course.

 

The question is, why? Why do I put so much energy into something so stupid? I know, I know, love makes everyone do stupid things but I have never been in love, ever. I am thinking that it could be the challenge thing or that somewhere deep inside me I feel like I don't deserve happiness, or maybe I fear commitment. I don't know, at least not now. And while it is happening it hurts and creeps me out and makes me feel weird which sucks but I must want to feel like that or I wouldn't do any of this, right?

 

And it isn't only stupid for me, it is hurtful for the women, and that is what I regret most. I still get calls from them or when I see them they tell me how much they miss me and that they wish we could still hang out, and I don't feel that way at all. That sucks. I am such a dick for getting them to care about me under false pretenses. The fact that I didn't know I was being such a dick at the time doesn't give me a pass--not in my mind anyway.

 

For a while I thought that I did whatever it is I was/am doing because of a lack of other prospects, but as I mentioned before that isn't so. I convinced myself that was the case, but it isn't. Especially recently I have had many opportunities to begin relationships with a number of women. But I am not attracted to any of them. See, when I am not attracted to them, it is easy for me to keep things distant.

 

I have begun to make major changes in my life, both in regards to personal style and in regards to relationships, but I don't want to keep this going and I am not sure what defect I have that makes me behave this way. I certainly don't want to keep doing it.

 

So, any advice or comments are, of course, eagerly awaited!

[d'Arthez]

Take a break, and sort yourself out. Ask questions about life. I get the impression that you know a bit of what you want in life, but have not yet a clear picture of that.

 

What do you want from your life? What do you want to achieve? How would a woman fit into this picture as a lover? How do friends fit into your life? Of course it is impossible to live the perfect life. But you must have a sense of your purpose, otherwise your actions are more or less random at best.

 

These questions are hard to answer, and cannot be answered 100% of course, as they influence each other. But you will get an understanding of things. The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to be natural when interacting with other people.

 

As for leading a woman on, that happens sometimes. It is not something you are proud of. But the more you know what you want, the less there is a need on your part to string them along for a while. And the more clearly you will formulate interest or lack of interest, when you meet a woman who has an interest in you.

Remember that you don't lose when you wait. You can meet the right woman at the wrong time, which seems to be what happens to a lot of men (it works the other way around too). You don't have to date constantly, or be in a relationship constantly. Only one stable relationship should be enough for that desire.