He broke up with me because he doesnt love me? I didnt see it coming!

[moksha]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, but our relationship didnt really start until last October because up until then we couldnt spend much time together. In October he moved into a new place and since then I have been there with him almost every night and we grew very very close. I realized I loved him for sure a few months ago but he never said it to me. I believed he did by his actions...he was very sweet and affectionate and said he saw me in his future even up until a few days ago.

In February he said that when he moves into a new place it will be with me, but since then I pressured him about it and talked him into moving in June. He has seemed very withdrawn about the subject and yesterday I got angry at him for it and he said that he doesnt want to move in with me and that he thinks at this point if you cant see yourself living with someone you shouldnt be with them. He also said that something was missing and that he just doesnt love me like I do him. I am so heartbroken and dont know what to do with myself. There were signs he wasnt ready to move in, but absolutely none that he wanted to break up. His mannerisms and affection towards me hadn't changed at all and I fear that pushing him so hard and trying to mold the relationship into something more too soon may have made him feel the way he does.

After we picked up my stuff from his place and he was driving me home he said that I am the perfect woman and have all of the qualities that he wants, and that we had a really good relationship...I dont understand. I was very good to him...I didnt nag, didnt cheat, and I was always there for him when he needed me. We have so much in common....Why?? Is it possible that I pushed him away? When he dropped me off and we said our goodbyes I told him that he was making a mistake and he said maybe. I also asked him if he'll regret it and if there was any hope to which he said maybe but he wont know how he'll feel until it's happening. Some of what he said made it sound final and permanent, and some made it sound as if he may change his mind if he finds he misses me too much and did make a mistake. I should also say that right now he is in a bit of a rut financially and is lacking motivation to better his life, and that my dad is very ill and I havent been 100% either. Can lifes stresses and pressure to move in with someone when you're not ready lead you to believe something is mssing? Do you think he'll be back?? How do I feel better? I cant stop crying even though I'm still in denial...I just didnt see it coming...I really believed that he loved me..we were closer than ever even 3 nights ago

PS When he dropped me off after breaking up with me he said that he'll call me this weekend to take my dog for a walk...why??

[LucreziaBorgia]

he said that I am the perfect woman and have all of the qualities that he wants, and that we had a really good relationship...I dont understand. I was very good to him...I didnt nag, didnt cheat, and I was always there for him when he needed me. We have so much in common....Why??

 

Because what you think was good for him was not what he thought was good for himself. I'm sure as a person, you do have the qualities he wants. Its the relationship that isn't doing it for him. You can only control what you put into a relationship, and you have no control over what your partner is going to do with what you are putting into it, or even if it will be as meaningful to them as it is to you. You could have been 'the world's greatest girlfriend', but if he didn't feel that you were the 'world's greatest girlfriend' for him, there's nothing you can do.

 

I don't know that there is a way to push someone away who loves you. They have to want to leave on some level. It sounds like he is at a point where he accepted that the relationship was no longer growing for him, reached its peak and was dying so he broke it off. Just because the relationship was thriving and growing for you, doesn't mean it was for him. Why did he not tell you? Because its murder to look someone in the eyes who you care about and who loves you, and tell them that its just not enough. So you hide it. And hide it. Until it gets to the point where you simply have to quit fooling yourself and your partner and end it. Unfortunately, you only get to see it when its too late. He's probably felt this way for a while now.

 

Right now, he has feelings left for you. Enough to still want to talk to you, enough to be friendly with you, enough to want to spend time for you: but not enough to give you the relationship you want from him. Should you decide to hang out with him, you will have to understand that a good deal of 'hopeful signs' are likely to be more like 'wishful thinking'. Unless he says point blank "I love you, and want to give you the relationship you want", then you will have to assume that what you see is what you get. If that is ok with you, and you can accept that his needs for you do not include a serious committed relationship then make the most of what you do have. If you cannot accept it, then you have no reason continuing to spend time with him. It won't fair to either of you to pretend to be "friends" when really it is a case of unrequited love fueled by nostalgia and faint memories of what was once a great love.

[paradox]

Thats really weird. All i can say men usually like bitches. They are not attracted to someone who is constantly trying to please them or is being too nice, at least not at the beginning of relationship. So I may be wrong, but here is my advice:

- create an impression of independent woman. The one who doesn't really care if he is in her life or not, the one who has too many other things to worry about. Go out with mates..just show him that you are not too upset.

- if he calls you or you meet up with him, be friendly with him, like smile and stuff but at the same time distant. Also when he calls you try to end the conversation first and generally don't sound like you are too available.Like say he wants to meet up on tue, then go "oh sorry tue i can't how 'bout wed?) It will make him a bit more suspicious ("has she got someone else?") and make you much more valuable in his eyes.

Be confident, independent, show him your world doesn't rotate around him. Try not to be too predictable, try to be "hard to get".Be full of yourself so say. To say truth I usually don't like all those love games, but I think in your situation that should help. Im also pretty sure he's gonna come back to you.

By the way all that asking you did when you two were breaking up was a wrong thing to do I think. You should've just been cool about it, that would've made him wonder..

Im sorry if im gonna upset you but it doesn't look like he loved you, but I hope it's gonna work out between you guys

[HoldOn]

Well, there are two possibilities here:

either

1.) He needed to slowly develop feelings and you pushed him away by nagging him about moving in with you. (Guys need to set the pace in a relationship)

OR

2.) He never would have loved you and you sped up the break up by insisting about moving in.

 

However, regardless of the reason, there is only one action that you should take. No contact (obviously)

 

Because if he never comes back, it will help you get over him.

And if he was going to come back, no contact is the ONLY way to make him realize what he is missing.

 

Don't let him come over and walk the dog. Tell him you don't feel right seeing him right now and you need time alone.

 

Anyway, take this as a lesson.... Don't pressure guys into moving in with you, I mean you've only been seeing him six months. Cut him some slack! Next time, let a guy pace the relationship! No guy likes to be pressured.

[HoldOn]

WAIT A SECOND!

 

I just re-read your post. You dated him for 2 freaking YEARS and he never told you he loved you?!?

 

Girl, seriously, talk about ignoring the warning signs.

 

Don't ever take this guy back.

 

The sooner you get over him, the sooner you can find someone new.

[MistressD]

Moksha,

 

I feel your pain. Oh gawd...I wish there was something that I could say that would take your pain away. Unfortunately, only time heals and heals all wounds. Trust me this pain will pass.

 

Ok...my advice is a little different and similar to other posts but here it is anyway...I agree that you cannot pressure a man to move in, be close, say I love you, etc. Never ever do that because they feel like they are such a commodity that women just want to marry them. Even if you want to marry the dude, never ever let it be your idea. We woman have to be patient. We have to let them contact us, chase us and fall in love with us. Sounds backwards but it works!

 

I would let him chase you now. I would not necessarily institute no contact. Men are simple. You never contact them they assume you are not interested. However, let him do all the pursuing. Only return his calls but never initiate. The other post was right in that you should act like or actually become independent, go out with friends, go out with other boys (even if you dont like them), be busy. I dont think he is done with you. If anything, he might have interest in someone else and wants you too. Since you are not married to him, why not let him explore his feelings even with another woman. I know it hurts. But, you should go out with other men too. You might not feel like it at first but trust me it will pull you through. And, you might meet some extraodinarly other men. This is what got me through a nasty break up one time.

 

Let your man explore what he wants. Be patient with him but dont stop living your life. If he loves you, he will appreciate the fact that he was able to spread his wings a little without pressure. If you pressure, then he feels like he has to run. I dont think allowing him to see how you hurt is a bad thing. But, dont do it all the time only once. One good time expressing how this hurts and what you want but also tell him you will go on with your life because he has forced you too. And, then never let him see you cry after that and never tell him how you hurt. You dont want to pressure him. But, letting him know is good. Dont overdue the hurt either at least while expressing it. I think that if he loves you, he wont allow you to hurt too long. If he really doesnt love you, then he simply wont care that you hurt. So, by expressing it once, you get to see what he does with it. Then, you can decide...Do you even want a man that would let you hurt.

 

my 2 cents

[paradox]

Yea I agree with Mistress in the sense that if you absolutely cut contact with him he'l just interpret it in his own way and dissapear from your life comletely. If that's what you want then of course that's the only way, however if you still want him back then ALLOW him to chase you. Don't put any effort, just relax and enjoy the show

[paradox]

Also the fact that he didn't say he loves you is not necessarily an indicator of how he feels. I just read some thread about a guy who never said the l word to his gf of 4yrs even though he did and then there are other guys who say it and never actually mean it. For some guys it's just hard to express their feelings. You have to look at his actions, how he treats you, is he there when you really need him, is he caring and affectionate? this kind of stuff+your gut feeling is always the best indicator. From what you said it didn's seem like he loved you, but he surely had feelings for you so who knows maybe they will develop into something more.

[moksha]

t is very hard for me right now not to call him. I just feel that he broke up with me because I pressured him to move in with me, instead of letting him decide and come to me when he was ready to take that step. In his last relationship he told her that he loved her after a year and a half, and they moved in together at that point.

I think that for him he is wondering inside why at this point he cant move in with me when he could her. We are right around a year and a half too, and I think yesterday when I forced him to look at the apartment with me and then got angry at him when he said "so what if I dont move in with you, what then"...I think it freaked him out and the pressure was way too much. The difference between our relationship and his last relationship is that they had the whole year and a half to grow together..we have really only had the last 7 months. Even though I was his girlfriend, up until last October he was very busy, preoccupied, and not emotionally available to make that kind of connection with me. It was only since October that we could truly spend real time together and grow close . I dont feel we had enough time to really reach the point he feels he should be at right now.

The breakup I truly believe was a spontaneous one and I think in his mind he was thinking I had him under a kind of ultimatum of sorts, and that since he wasnt able to take that step with me, he needed to break up with me. He also stated that he has been wondering why he hasnt been able to tell me he loves me yet and that he concluded it was because something was missing for him...love. Up until yesterday even though he hasnt said it yet I could have sworn by our time together and his actions that he did. I'm so confused because the break up came from nowhere. He didnt withdraw at all until just after looking at the apartment and when those words came out of his mouth out of the blue I was in shock and still am. This is a man who just a week ago was cuddling with me telling me he saw me as the woman in his future, a man who was looking forward to all of the plans we made this summer, a man who I have woken up beside almost every night, a man who got me a valentines card and a bday card talking about love, a man who a few weeks ago brought a guy to see his apartment because in that moment he meant to move out with me, a man who up until theee day was nothing but affectionate and attentive towards me. I just dont understand except that maybe I pushed so hard he felt there was no other way. I dont know if his heart has been mislead by my pressuring him and thinking that at this point for him it should either be move in or break up.

I am so desperately devastated and lost. I am also beating myself up over the guilt I feel in all that I could have done differently. I truly feel that if I hadnt pressured him when he first mentioned moving in with me and let him come to me about it when he was ready that we would still be together. And I truly believe that if I hadnt had my moments of insecurity with him during our relationship and hadnt let us both take our stresses from outside our relationship out on each other and nurtured more of a life outside of him that he would love me.

I took for granted he would always be there because we have had some pretty bad fights in the past and my way of lashing out was to 'break up' with him even though I never meant it...he would never let me take my stuff and leave him..he always said he never wanted me to break up with him. I know this has nothing to do with another woman at all...just a thought in his head that right now the fact he got cold feet must have meant he doesnt love me and it was best to break up I really think what was missing for him is more time...

[HoldOn]

Also the fact that he didn't say he loves you is not necessarily an indicator of how he feels.

 

 

Well, it is not a good thing!

[MistressD]

Well...good for you that u realize he needs more time. sounds like he did freak out but there is a reason why. I would just keep that in check.

[wow]

Be mysterious, give him time and decide if you want him back. You might find that you stressed over nothing.

 

I believe that if you get back together, he will break up with you lata on down the line. FOR THE SAME REASON

 

If he truly loves you he will come back. Love is a bird so let it do its thing and it will come home.

[moksha]

It would almost be easier if I had a reason to be angry at him...he is a good guy who did nothing to hurt me..the breakup was clean and not nasty. Does that make sense? I am dealing right now with the fact that when he does call he will just say that we arent getting back together and that its for the best. I will be devestated, not that I'm not right now, but I just know that to get past this it would be easier if I could be angry..

[lindya]

It's a horrible thing to go through, and I'm sure you feel like he's pulled the rug right out from under you. I think the reason you don't feel angry right now is because you're still in shock - and you're probably also trying think rationally about the situation. It may well be that he hasn't done anything wrong, that it was a "clean" break up etc but that doesn't mean you won't start feeling angry about things at some point.

 

When someone has decided they don't love you, there's absolutely nothing you can say or do to change that, so right now your energy should be focused on leaving the relationship with dignity - ie tell him that you accept it's over, and wish him well. Then invite a couple of really good, trustworthy friends round, get out a bottle of wine and cry your heart out. There's absolutely nothing else you can do. You no doubt want to sit down with him and talk for hours in an attempt to save the relationship, but it will alter nothing and it will just make the whole thing even more painful for both of you.