aaandy Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Hello all, I`m new to the boards. This is gonna be long, but I feel I should give a good background and timeline on us. I`m just looking for advice on how to repair a damaged relationship. We`ve been together for over 7 years. We`re both in our early 40`s now. We got together while I was coming out of a long drug addiction ( she had cleaned up her life about a year or 2 before this). After only a few months, she wanted me to move in, and I did. During the first 2 years I did relapse numerous times, was acting like an ass, yelling, lying, angry - typical drug addict behavior. She did kick me out each and every time I was using, but did take me back. I eventually quit drugs for good at the 2 year point. Keep in mind I was using for about 13 years prior to hooking up with her. I felt I was on the road to a better life when we got together, and thought I was ready for a relationship. Turns out I was a lost mess. I didn`t know my ass from my elbow. My girlfriend had alot of her own past baggage, and about the time I finally got clean she was dealing with some PTSD, from past boyfriends, crazy mentally abusive mother, nutty sister that ended up stabbing someone and one of her friends ended up killing his girlfriend whom she was also friends with. The PTSD was pretty much at the forefront of things for 2 years. Besides the PTSD, she had resentment towards me for the first 2 years with my drugs and bull**** that went along with it. I was clueless about PTSD, and wasn`t much help with it. She started doing better with the PTSD, but her health started getting bad. She ended up having an operation almost 2 years ago now, that really didn`t help things and is on mild painkillers a couple times of day (she is not abusing them). Through the past 6 years we have been very distant. She gets easliy frustrated with me often, at first it was once every 2 weeks, now to a point of almost daily. I would end up focusing on working on what she was frustrated about and only that. So I would basically clam up and make sure I wasn`t doing what the most recent main issue is. I admit I wasn`t doing anything constructive to a good relationship, and it has suffered for it. She has been mad at me for many many numerous things throughout the years, that its been to the point for a while now that I have been afraid to make a move - any move. I know this is not conductive to a good relationship, but I end up closing myself out and not dealing with anything. She can tell me until she`s blue in the face that she wants a real relationship and sex life( we haven`t had sex in a few years), but the vibe I seem to get is the opposite. I did talk with an online therapist a few times (3) about my issues, but couldn`t really afford it. But she did confirm 2 things I was thinking, she confirmed that it takes 2 to make a relationship work, and that if I was feeling a vibe that she didn`t want to be close, then it most likely correct. My girlfriend is like me, is stubborn, but feels that since I did so much damage in our relationship, that I have to put in all the work. We do work from home together and have built a fairly successful business. Despite not having a great relationship, she is the best thing to happen to me in my life. I do not want to loose her, and the fact that because of her health, she cannot work a more normal job, I do not want to throw in the towel and leave her hanging, with her life to clean-up. One of my big issues is how do I be close to someone who is mad and frustrated with me so often? I do want a good relationship with her, but so much time has gone by and I wasn`t the most social, fun, or outgoing person to begin with, so I`m really clueless on where to start now? I do not have any circle of friends, close or helpful family (parents divorced, mother is a hoarder, father is deceased and sister has her own issues). My girlfriend always says, to look to people who are doing better than you are for advice. I`m sure there is quite a few of you out there doing way better than me, so thank you in advance. Any advice, similar stories, (with good or bad outcomes), thoughts etc will greatly be appreciated.
Poppyolive Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 #1 being in a relationship when you are not 100% healthy is not a good idea. You should of taken time to recover & heal. But should ofs aren't going to help you now.. #2 it sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of resentfulness, contemptuousness and co dependency. A cycle that you both need professional individual counseling. There you will learn new love & language skills, that you will both need to commit to. #3 I'm going to be honest here, I'm not sure its salvageable. I think you are dependant on each other in an unhealthy way, that is destroying your individual selves. I wish you the best. 2
LuckyLady13 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Welcome to LS, aaandy. I noticed this is your first post. I think there are a lot of great people here at LS who can help steer you in the right direction with your problems. You said you don't have a good circle of friends (sorry to hear that) and you don't really have family to go to so maybe, at least for the time being, the people here at LS can help you out a bit and be your surrogate friends. Until you're in a better position in life. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news here but this sounds like a complete train wreck of a relationship. You sought minimal help after your very extensive drug addiction but it sounds like your girlfriend sought no help at all from any professionals for her PTSD and asked you for help? Although, you said she tells you "My girlfriend always says, to look to people who are doing better than you are for advice." Yikes! She should follow her own advice!! There is one thing that stood out to me like a sore thumb about your post. You said "she had resentment towards me for the first 2 years" and then said "She has been mad at me for many many numerous things throughout the years". Which is it? Or has she just been mad at you constantly for any reason she can find for years on end? Like she's just seeking someone to take her PTSD and drug issues out on? You also said she's not abusing pain killers. How are you sure about that? You know, as an ex-addict yourself, just how sneaky addicts can be. How are you sure this isn't a long standing addiction with her that she's managed to hide from you? Because it sounds like she's been in a state of addiction and withdrawal the entire time you've been together. There are many categories on LS and I think it would serve you best to break up all of your problems and post about each one in their pertinent category. I honestly don't think you should be trying to repair a relationship with someone who doesn't help herself, has countless serious issues (when you sound like you have serious issues yourself) and spends every day angry with you. She's bringing nothing at all to your life! There's just nothing good here to want to hold onto! I'm not sure how someone with a 13 year drug history and someone with a potentially current drug problem and untreated PTSD managed to "build a fairly successful business" but I honestly don't know why it sounds like you're sticking around trying to help someone who won't help herself and is taking her issues out on you. I wish you luck!
Author aaandy Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Thank you for the replies. I first feel the need to clear the air, I realize now that I shouldn`t have attempted to post without a clearer head. I meant to give a background on my girlfriend to explain that she has been through alot in her life. I ended up portraying her in a bad light and that is not the case at all. I have always had a hard time putting thoughts into sentences, and fully explain what I am thinking. In response to LuckyLady: The PTSD she was dealing with, she ended up sorting out herself, with the help of counseling that she seeked out, I didn`t mean to imply that she looked to me for help, I just wish I could`ve been of more help. To clarify things a little better, she does have resentment over the first 2 years we were together because of my drug use, lying, false promises, horrible attitude, yelling, wrongly placed blame and not quitting drugs the numerous times I said I would. I was naive and thought that with just quitting drugs everything would just fall into place and everything would be fine. It turns out I`m a mental mess - still am. Here`s a little more background on me. I came from a family that had no closeness, my father was an alcoholic, so he was usually off doin his own thing. My parents did get divorced in my early teens, and my mothers clutter around the house is now full blown hoarding. I was never really given much guidance or direction as a child or teenager and never really developed any close bonds with friends or even extended family. After the divorce I saw my father even less. I had this stupid idea that If I didn`t hear from him, he probably didn`t want to hear from me, so I barely ever tried to contact him. With the help of a push from my girlfriend we did reconnect (I was about 35 then), but never developed anything close, just kinda the holidays thing. He then developed liver cancer and has passed away. I lived with my mother until the age of about 33, being a hermit and doing drugs. I began serious drug use at the age of 19 or 20. My occupation during my drug use was a heavy truck mechanic, so I rarely dealt with any general public - kinda even a hermit while I was at work. Some of my main issues right now are that I`m lost alot, I don`t think before I act . I usually get one idea in my head and run with it (my first post is a perfect example, I felt I should give a detailed background on both of us and thats all I focused on), with no or little regard of the whole picture around me or or how those decisions might effect anyone else. I am and have been antisocial, I don`t know how to build close bonds with anyone. I am not expressive at all and this isn`t fair to her. I never knew how to have fun or be outgoing. I don`t know how to be fun or have fun while we are working all day and get work done at the same time, I just usually put my nose to the grindstone, and end up being distant with her. Its to the point that our business will start to suffer, because she feels like she`s in solitare confinement working with me and has no desire to go to work. We aren`t close, but I do honestly want to be with her, have a good life together, and have her happy with me, but I`m clueless and lost on how to get to these places. I end up being nervous about making a wrong move, saying or doing the wrong thing and just end up doing nothing. In my first post I should have put alot more emphasis on me an my problems. Yes, my girlfriend has been angry and frustrated with me many, many times over the years, but they were not for no reason, they were justified and for reasons of my doing. Her anger and frustration had/has nothing to do with her past or any drug issues. When I said that she is the best thing to happen to me, I should have elaborated alot more. She does have her head on straight, she smart, creative, honest, trustworthy, down to earth, always wants things to progress and be better and unlike me she deals with things, has no fears, doesn`t hesitate. If there is one thing alone that stands out the most about her is her honesty and trustworthiness. So yes, I can safely say, that she is not hiding any drug habit, Besides, we live together, work from home together, and are pretty much around each other 24/7, so it would be really hard to hide anything. The reason we do have a fairly sucessfull business, is her. The business wouldn`t exist if it weren`t for her, plain and simple. I`m sticking around, because deep down inside, I do love her. She invested alot of time with me and I owe it to her to straighten myself out. It wouldn`t be right after all the second chances she has given me over the years to just bail now and leave her picking up the pieces of her life, because I can`t work out my issues. I do plan to take your advice about posting about all my different issues in the appropriate sections.
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