renaissance_2589 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) I've come to this forum to pour my heart out and I am looking for a completely honest opinion and some reflections on where to go from here and chances of reconciliation. And thank you for any contributions in advance Basically, my ex and I had been together for 3 years, after a year we moved in together, got a cat, had a perfect time, well, aside from the usual arguments, we really loved each other. I really thought/know he is still the one. So we spent so much time together, literally every minute of every day, we cut off from our friends and did everything together. After a while we started to get on each other's nerves and the arguments became more and more frequent. In March of this year, we took a break. He told me he needed space. This was awful, I was heartbroken. I moved back to my parents' house and after a week he asked me to come back. We were in love again, everything was perfect again. I agreed to make some important changes. Three weeks ago he told me that it wasn't working out, basically to get my stuff and leave, so, we split. I went home and I cried for a week, gave him the space to reconsider, came back and was told he hadn't changed his mind. I more or less begged him to take me, promised him things would be different. In all of this I was confused because he still said he loved me. And I mean we had been through so much together, I couldn't believe what was happening. Something didn't seem right, I went on his laptop and saw some dirty and flirty messages to his 'friend', I went mad. I couldn't believe he could do this to me. It killed me. They exchanged revealing pictures. He assured me this happened because he was lonely, (while I was technically split from him). But I couldn't get over that he had been sexting her, or whatever, arranging to meet, saying he was naked in bed,begging her for pictures. To me, a man who loved me would not do this. And although they never met and he said that was because he couldn't go through with it, I am sill cut up about it. He says he's sorry, that it happened when we were split and he didn't mean to hurt me. So we had a massive fight, he left and went to his family's home. I stayed here alone. Although we are technically split, we were still in contact. He came to collect most of his stuff, I stayed out of his way. We talked on the phone and he told me that we needed space, time to think about us. That he's been going through old messages and thinks the space is the best thing for us. If we're meant to be together, we will come back, and if not, we can still be friends. We were so close, and I know he loves me, but he has made no move whatsoever to get back with me, so I have got it into my head that I should do no contact with him, give him this true space, since before it was never really space because during the split where I moved to my mum's we still texted, he said he missed me and hoped I was okay etc. But at this point i did not know about the pictures to this girl. I feel an absolute fool for loving him after he's done this to me. I seem to be living in hope that since the lease is up in July, he has between now and then to initiate something, come to his senses and give us one more try. I have told him we can date, we don't need to live together. I know he loves me and cares for me but he just isn't displaying anything to me. Am I right to wait until the end of July for him, see how the ground fairs? If he truly cares then he will come for me, right? I can forgive him for what he's done because I love him so much, and it's killing me. I need him to see that we can make it work,but if he won't let me show him, how can I ever get him back? If he doesn't initiate by end of July, is it properly over? What if he comes back when we're both moved out and in another place separately? I miss him so much and I know I am coming across as pathetic but the way I see it, if he comes back, he's mine and if he doesn't, he never was..... Here are the messages he sent me: But right now, we are meant to be having space, not analysing all the final details and friends saying this that and everything else - this is about me and you so we just need to be amicable and try and get on with our lives as best as we can and if we are meant to be then we will come back together, if not, we won't but will remain friends - all this longing and these questions and other people getting involved makes it 999 times more difficult for both of us Yes exactly - and like you said to me, forget about external forces and other people, no one is swaying my opinion and I haven't said a bad thing about you to anyone - just getting on with things and doing what we said. We just need the space and no matter what we will be friends if nothing else Chat conversation end Will this space when I don't contact him make him realise he's lost me and I'm gone and en-still a sense of realism with him? Is it possible he can come back after this? He's looked at old messages and listened to old songs, surely it's meaning something? I can't comprehend it all and I know I am looking at it from within only... Edited June 16, 2015 by renaissance_2589
ravfour4 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Hi there, so sorry to hear about your situation. Besides the part about the break, my situation is extremely similar to yours. 4 year amazing relationship, got a dog a year in, ended up only hanging out with each other nonstop, started arguing a ton and then she ended it and I essentially said "fine" due to all the tension. A few weeks later, I found out she supposedly loved her older married coworker. Devastating, eh? She had supposedly fallen out of love with me - looking back, I saw it happening, but I figured since we said we'd stay together forever and lived together, that we'd make it through the rough patch but apparently I was much more determined and committed than she was. She jumped ship. She took months to move out. Longer to get her stuff and as soon as I was about to get my keys back- she attempted to come back, but then the other guy went insane trying to get her back and we never went on a date and we went NC for a couple weeks. She came back 2 weeks later and we hung out everyday for 3 weeks, she was essentially trying to fall back in love with me knowing that it's what she had wanted before and that I was an overall good and successful guy, but after nonstop up and downs and confusion - she went back to him and lied about it. Now we talk occasionally, but I'm just done with her. I put my all and then some into it only to find out what a terrible and weak person she is who couldn't tell the truth. Regarding your situation, we can't predict what will happen. He very well may come back in a few weeks, months or years of what you had is as good as you said, but in the meantime you cannot wait. He knows how you feel, you don't need to constantly tell him, you need to focus on you so that you're either that much better when he returns or you're a better you who will find a much better man. If he does come back, remember this - he gave up on you, he was weak and he fled to the closest woman for support. You don't want someone like that, even though at this moment you want him more than anything, you can and will find someone better who will commit to you for life and who won't run when the goings get tough. 1
ravfour4 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 My ex also mentioned on multiple occasions looking through old Instagram and Facebook posts - while she was "so in love" with this other guy who she also dragged up and down her emotional roller coaster. His texts don't mean much, he's confused right now and may end up coming back to you for the wrong reasons (aka any reason besides loving you deeply and sincerely, not scared of being lonely), be prepared for that. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 i would guess he is feeling smothered? That is never a good position to try to rebuild a relationship from. Sometimes accepting a relationship is over will actually lift allot of weight off your shoulders - your outlook and attitude will improve, date other people, he will definitely no longer feel smothered. If you really understand the old saying "if you love someone, then let them go.... etc etc". It is actually much more about you and your attitude and outlook on life than it is about them - all they do is see how you have changed and then they may come back too you - this is what the saying means to me anyway. 1
Author renaissance_2589 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 I do really sympathise, I totally know what you're going through. It's horrible. It somehow feels as if he's died. At times I wish I could just erase all of the photos and memories. This was someone who had effectively become a part of me, as cheesy as it sounds. Even the cat has bonded with the both of us and I'm sure she misses him too. He has to be feeling hurt, pain, loneliness, from what we have been through and for the amount of love we had for each other, and now he is displaying nothing but sheer friendliness. I don't want to come across like he has all the power, which he does. I am weak because I would take him back and forgive him, no questions asked. I still can't even believe he would do this. I'm sure it's hard for you too, with all of your memories, especially the dog, who took the dog? We will have this issue with the cat who is infatuated with both of us, she is honestly like a little dog, she plays fetch, gets into bed for cuddles, I feel so bad because she loves us both.. Maybe it hasn't hit him yet? In my head I am confused because he never physically cheated on me, I think if I was in your situation I could never take him back after being with someone else and confessing love for them. Aside from begging him is there nothing else I can do? Do you think if by July he hasn't made a move, then that's it? I can't wait for him forever, I need to move on either way, but if I move on and he comes back, that'll destroy me even more. I know we are broken up but the way he acts on the phone is as if he needs the space to know what he wants, and how can he not know what he wants?! I just hope he isn't just keeping me sweet until the lease is up, this whole thing is so messed up. I went from having everything a few months ago to being a broken person. The closeness we had, who knows what he will do or won't do, I don't think I can wait longer than July...
ravfour4 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I think asking for naked pictures shortly after is almost as bad, although he didn't drop the L bomb yet, either way, neither of us should take them back. At first, the harder I tried, the more mad she got and the more she was driven to the other guy. Once I found out about the other guy, believe me, I let her have it haha and that further pushed her away. You need to realize that they are not thinking the same way we are, sure they remember the good times, but they were confident enough in their decision to potentially give up the relationship and everything it contained forever. They essentially see us as a stranger and ignore a majority of the past. Therefore when you beg, he doesn't see you as the woman he loves so dearly being sad, he sees you as a begging girl which is unattractive to him. Do not set a time frame to wait for him. Make sure he knows how you feel (although I'm sure he already does) then give him space and focus on yourself. Try to go on casual dates - nothing serious, and spend a lot of time on yourself and with friends. I know you probably don't want to even try to like someone else in fear of losing your feelings for your ex, but just do it, it's better in the long run - but do not let anything get serious, just have fun and be around other men who actually appreciate what you have to offer. He may come back, he may not, but either way this is the best path for you and if you don't think about you - no one will. He's not right now. I ended up keeping the dog, she uses him as an excuse to come over and to stay in touch. He loves it when she's around, but he's grown accustomed to me being his pack leader/owner and adjusted well. Aside from begging, which will absolutely not work, you should and must just focus on becoming the best you that you can be. If anything will re attract him, that will.
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