waterwoman Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 So men are entitled to play away if their women drops the ball for a while. I didn't realise men where such simple creatures who have no moral compass and are unable to tell right from wrong when they feel a bit neglected. Makes me glad I'm a woman ... No, actually t makes me glad that most men I know aren't like that. 2
Sassy Girl Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) Another example? One woman called my fav podcaster cuz her husband was cheating. Did you know what the cheating consisted of? Like every morning, before he'd go to work, he'd have sex for 15 min in his car with his mistress. Now, if his wife, would only make 15 min of time for him in their bed, before they go to work - mistress would have been toast. Yes, I can get how people can get busy and stuff. But, this guy made time to get into his car, meet with his mistress, for only 15 min of sex in a car before he went into work. Sex is important to men. If you're tired, 15 min of morning sex is too much? Last time I looked most men don't want sex that goes beyond a few minutes. You, taking the time out to give him that 15 min of sex will make him a happier person...In return, he might just be interested in listening to you blab about your day when he comes home. That's what relationships are all about - giving. You give and the other person gives back. I'm sure a good man will recognize that you make 15 min of sex-in-the-morning time for him is a sacrifice and in return he will do things for you. But, if you stay there upset and complaining about the kids and don't make time for him, he won't make time for you either and you two can play roommates until you die and/or the kids are 18 and out. Women power...we women have the power to change the climate in our homes, marriages, and families. Unless you married a dog, if you simply do those little things for your man, you will be happier, he will be happier, family will be happier and mistresses will be put in the dust. If we sit down and make a list of what we do 24/7, there's room where we can run things more efficiently. Now, it may require not running after the kids and cleaning up after them all the time - but that doesn't mean you let your house turn into a pig sty either. Pretty hard to have 15 minutes of morning sex with a 4 year old in the bed like he is now (it's morning where I am) No, he doesn't sleep here. Yes he comes in very morning - he's an early riser and beats my alarm. That's the reality that you can't seem to grasp about life with children. You can't predict. And once the alarm goes off? When it's a flurry of activity with 3 kids and 2 working parents. So thanks for the advice, but you have no idea. And the more you talk the more apparent that becomes. If I wrote down everything I did in 24 hours it would make you tired. If I showed you my work calendar your eyes would pop out of your head. Sometimes my house is a mess- you know why? Priorities. I'd rather walk out the door in a beautiful day to go have fun with my kids in the little downtime I get, than worry about what other people think about the state of my house. A clean house doesn't make you a better person. Besides I outsource that crap and it can wait till the cleaner gets here. PS - hubs was the one who wanted the kids and hubs is the one who has a low sex drive. Not me. So thanks for your ridiculous generalisations Edited June 16, 2015 by Sassy Girl 8
truncated Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Oh pleeze, "me" feeling guilty cuz I did not decide to have kids? Same way I could say that people with kids are jealous of the freedom us single people have. There are people out there with kids who put more effort into their marriage than others do. While I may not have children myself, I have ears/eyes and I hear/see people doing it every day. Unfortunately, many people don't have the organizational/homemaking skills and/or don't care about the marriage and default into "you are not me/in my shoes" argument in a defensive response. Like my brother's wife? The other day she put up a selfie of her and her very "preggo" belly looking sexy in an evening dress. Mind you, they have two kids already and their house is cleaner/cuter than mine. Some people know/have their priorities. She always keeps up her appearance and the home. I thanked her (like I do on the regular) for taking good care of my brother. I didn't mean you were feeling guilty, I meant that these women and men feel guilty because they can't do it all, and I am sorry, but you have ZERO understanding of what it is like for some families. To use myself as an example. I get up at 5;30 with my husband, who goes to work at a job that is physically demanding. After that, I get my kids up and help them get dressed, make sure they have a decent breakfast, do speech therapy ad physical therapy with them, then make sure they are ready for school and get the one who takes the special needs busing at 7:50 onto the bus. Then I make sure my other is doing okay and get her off to school. Then I do the grocery shopping, clean the house, do the laundry, run errands, etc. then work at my job form home. If they have medical or therapy and support group appointments, they need to be taken there, and driven to ones a few hours away a few times a month. My youngest gets home form the bus, so a snack, more physio and speech therapy, and well as some social therapy, then my older child gets home and I do her physio with her, check her medication levels, etc., help them both with homework, talk to each of their schools, make supper, keep cleaning the house. My husband gets home after a long day and e is beat tired so he goes and lays down or gets a bath a I an for him. After that, we eat supper, both work with the kids, get them to bed, and that sometimes takes a few hours, and we get up with them if they have nightmares. Before we go to bed, he gets his uniform ready, polishes his botos while I tidy up the kitchen and we have fun doing the dishes together...yes, you can make that fun:) By now, it's after ten, and we cuddle up in bed with each other and go to sleep.If we aren't too tired, we have sex. Many people in my situation feel tremendously guilty for not being able to be everything to everyone in the family, and no offense, but it's ideas like yours that do it. Bieng in a support rgoup with other parrents, one of the first things most of them say is how guilty they feel. Interesting thing is that while we may not live in the dream marriage you suggest, neither of us has cheated, and we love each other very much. Perhaps it's because we share a deep emotional bond that comes because we are mature enough to find it where we can and not fall into the trap of entitlement some do. 3
truncated Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I am confused, again- on why the woman is being blamed in these scenarios- 15 minutes of car sex leaves me with these questions- what woman allows herself to be 15 minutes of car sex? Aren't we worth more than that? What could the husband have done with those extra 15 minutes to improve his marriage/family life- maybe even romance his wife- I don't get it- I was thinking to myself that if the best he can give her is a 15 minute roll in the hay in is car, then he has one heck of a lot to learn about pleasing a woman and being passionate. 3
truncated Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Honesty, at its core, it is as simple as this. Yes, there may be peripheral and completely separate problems, issues, or challenges. But none of those "cause" an affair. An affair is a choice one makes because one has decided "I am entitled to do what I want, and I want this." They may give all sorts of reasons why they think they are entitled to it, but it boils down to the same thing. This 100 percent. 1
truncated Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Pretty hard to have 15 minutes of morning sex with a 4 year old in the bed like he is now (it's morning where I am) No, he doesn't sleep here. Yes he comes in very morning - he's an early riser and beats my alarm. That's the reality that you can't seem to grasp about life with children. You can't predict. And once the alarm goes off? When it's a flurry of activity with 3 kids and 2 working parents. So thanks for the advice, but you have no idea. And the more you talk the more apparent that becomes. If I wrote down everything I did in 24 hours it would make you tired. If I showed you my work calendar your eyes would pop out of your head. Sometimes my house is a mess- you know why? Priorities. I'd rather walk out the door in a beautiful day to go have fun with my kids in the little downtime I get, than worry about what other people think about the state of my house. A clean house doesn't make you a better person. Besides I outsource that crap and it can wait till the cleaner gets here. PS - hubs was the one who wanted the kids and hubs is the one who has a low sex drive. Not me. So thanks for your ridiculous generalisations Funny thing is that some of the happiest marriages I know of exist in a house that is a little bit messy. I'm not talking about a pigsty, but the priorities are the spouse and kids before the laundry basket. 2
Southern Sun Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Another example? One woman called my fav podcaster cuz her husband was cheating. Did you know what the cheating consisted of? Like every morning, before he'd go to work, he'd have sex for 15 min in his car with his mistress. Now, if his wife, would only make 15 min of time for him in their bed, before they go to work - mistress would have been toast. Yes, I can get how people can get busy and stuff. But, this guy made time to get into his car, meet with his mistress, for only 15 min of sex in a car before he went into work. Sex is important to men. If you're tired, 15 min of morning sex is too much? Last time I looked most men don't want sex that goes beyond a few minutes. You, taking the time out to give him that 15 min of sex will make him a happier person...In return, he might just be interested in listening to you blab about your day when he comes home. That's what relationships are all about - giving. You give and the other person gives back. I'm sure a good man will recognize that you make 15 min of sex-in-the-morning time for him is a sacrifice and in return he will do things for you. But, if you stay there upset and complaining about the kids and don't make time for him, he won't make time for you either and you two can play roommates until you die and/or the kids are 18 and out. Women power...we women have the power to change the climate in our homes, marriages, and families. Unless you married a dog, if you simply do those little things for your man, you will be happier, he will be happier, family will be happier and mistresses will be put in the dust. If we sit down and make a list of what we do 24/7, there's room where we can run things more efficiently. Now, it may require not running after the kids and cleaning up after them all the time - but that doesn't mean you let your house turn into a pig sty either. And then there are the cheaters who will go have sex in a car with their AP AFTER having sex with their spouse at home, or knowing their spouse is waiting for them when they come home at the end of the day. They like the thrill, the steaminess, the sneakiness. It pretty much has nothing to do with the spouse. 3
2.50 a gallon Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Two of the married woman I had sex with it was all about sex. Their husbands were too busy to be other than wham bam, thank you mam, lucky if it lasted from start to finish in more than 15 minutes, once maybe twice a week at most. One was totally into golf, spending all his spare time, weekends, short days after work on the links. The other was into spending all of their money, she made more than him, on working and racing his race car. It was my then wife who let it slip that I like performing oral sex. When we broke up they pursued me. They both had long planned on divorcing in the future, but to do so at that time, providing for two houses was not financially possible, unless they moved, and neither of them were willing to take their kids out of a school where they were making great grade and had great friends. They were no long willing to wait another decade for a some enjoyable sex 1
Phoenician Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 there is no simple cause of why ppl cheat , some are cheaters by nature , some wait 15 years before they even look at an opposite gender . Nobody can be in somebody else shoes , but what is definite nowadays is that people from both genders are become careless in meeting each other needs ; this came along with the new culture and technology where one no longer fix anything anymore ; i recall the days when we sent an electrical item for repair ; nowadays they are designed in a away to throw them when they don't work anymore . In some places , women are suppressed too by male dominance ,where even male pays some price in it .
cocorico Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 others seem to genuinely want a connection with a soulmate. It seems so pointless to stay in a marriage if you feel like that. Perhaps they're staying for the kids? 1
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) I'm a little torn on this issue. It's no one's fault but the wayward if the wayward decides to cheat. It's their decision alone and they own it. They had other more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices. It's never the BS's fault. Period. But at the same time, I totally relate to Gloria's position and fundamentally agree with her. Far too many parents make the kids and the household the priority and put the marriage in the backseat, to get attention when there's time. It's a mistake. Kids need to see that the marriage is the highest priority and that all things good stem from that bond. If you need to be late to work every once in a while so you can have sex with your spouse more than once a month, perhaps you should. If the kids have to be left with a sitter so you can have a date night, perhaps they should. If dirty clothes need to be left on the floor for a while so you can bond with your spouse when you get home, perhaps they just need to sit there for a while. There's a nearly 50% divorce rate for a reason and I think Gloria is right to say that spouses should take better care of each other. My wife and I made all of the typical mistakes. We each had demanding careers. We took different days off to minimize the amount of time the kids would need to be in day care. We had no days off together. The last person to go into work would drop the kids at daycare and the first one out of work would pick them up. End result: if you weren't at work, you had kids with you 24/7. Worse yet, my wife unilaterally decided that sex wasn't important. For years, she would dole out sex once every month or two. And while I didn't cheat (at least not until after I discovered her affair - which is another story), I certainly thought about it. I was happy with my life and had no intentions of upending it but I was sex starved. I can comprehend those that consider an affair because I considered it, too. I wanted my life and I wanted to have sex. Edited June 17, 2015 by BetrayedH 2
central Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Most people will look out for their own best interest first, and then their spouse, etc. They will be more likely to consider their spouse's best interest if their spouse is also doing the same, but will more likely be selfish if their spouse is not looking out for them. Of course there are those who will cheat even when all is great in the relationship, but for most people will give as good as they get and respond well to being treated well. 1
I4givehim Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I am confused, again- on why the woman is being blamed in these scenarios- 15 minutes of car sex leaves me with these questions- what woman allows herself to be 15 minutes of car sex? Aren't we worth more than that? What could the husband have done with those extra 15 minutes to improve his marriage/family life- maybe even romance his wife- I don't get it- Well Said!!!
gettingstronger Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm a little torn on this issue. It's no one's fault but the wayward if the wayward decides to cheat. It's their decision alone and they own it. They had other more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices. It's never the BS's fault. Period. But at the same time, I totally relate to Gloria's position and fundamentally agree with her. Far too many parents make the kids and the household the priority and put the marriage in the backseat, to get attention when there's time. It's a mistake. Kids need to see that the marriage is the highest priority and that all things good stem from that bond. If you need to be late to work every once in a while so you can have sex with your spouse more than once a month, perhaps you should. If the kids have to be left with a sitter so you can have a date night, perhaps they should. If dirty clothes need to be left on the floor for a while so you can bond with your spouse when you get home, perhaps they just need to sit there for a while. There's a nearly 50% divorce rate for a reason and I think Gloria is right to say that spouses should take better care of each other. My wife and I made all of the typical mistakes. We each had demanding careers. We took different days off to minimize the amount of time the kids would need to be in day care. We had no days off together. The last person to go into work would drop the kids at daycare and the first one out of work would pick them up. End result: if you weren't at work, you had kids with you 24/7. Worse yet, my wife unilaterally decided that sex wasn't important. For years, she would dole out sex once every month or two. And while I didn't cheat (at least not until after I discovered her affair - which is another story), I certainly thought about it. I was happy with my life and had no intentions of upending it but I was sex starved. I can comprehend those that consider an affair because I considered it, too. I wanted my life and I wanted to have sex. Actually-Gloria puts all of the above on the wife- not both people in the marriage- 3
BetrayedH Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Actually-Gloria puts all of the above on the wife- not both people in the marriage- I would suggest that if you remove the gender references, her point is a good one. I think she just provides a specific example, and one that's common. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 BH My Ex was total foldout material. We married shortly after she graduated college. She was then recruited by a Fortune 100 company and ended up being the first woman to what had been an all male department. From almost day 1 I faced an army of OM's, her lecherous married co-workers, there was nothing I could say or do, that one of them could not find a way to make any action I took and make me look like a bad guy. Six months later I caught her kissing a guard where she worked. Married woman had always been taboo. But now I no longer cared. They ruined my marriage, and I set out to ruin theirs. I found their wives to be easy to get into bed. You say that it is never the BS's fault. In this case it was totally their fault. Over the next year I had sex with a little more than a half dozen married women. I found them to be so easy to get into bed, it was like shooting fish in a barrel. And in each and every case, had the BS taken care of business at home, I never would have had a shot.
gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I would suggest that if you remove the gender references, her point is a good one. I think she just provides a specific example, and one that's common. Its difficult to do that when the whole point is the wife is solely responsible for the health of the marriage- I understand your post, but based on the history and that the poster refers to the BS in their situation as Petunia Pig its difficult to say that the two opinions are similar- However, I do believe it is in everyones best interest to do a temp check on their marriage, regularly- at the same time- when you decide to have kids, they become a priority- in retrospect, I can honestly say, I would rather have my marriage be a mess, than my children- I have choices, they do not- I willingly got married, brought them in to this world-they had no choice in the matter-I am not the one that failed, my kids did not fail-my husband did- he needed more than he was entitled to given the circumstances of our lives-he knows this- all situations are different, I know-but this is mine- 1
autumnnight Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 No matter what a marriage is like, a WS always has other choices besides cheating. That said, if your marriage is going to come AFTER everything else, no matter how noble sounding the excuses, there's going to be trouble in the marriage. And that leads to vulnerability. It is my opinion that anyone who thinks that once you have kids, the marriage goes in the back seat for 18 years....probably needs to rethink that.
Jethro Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 My ex wife craved attention. I gave her all I could and it wasn't enough. She used sex to manipulate men and the attention was like a drug. Pretty simple why she looked to have an affair.
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