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Posted (edited)

I'm not really sure whether to post this in the long distance or coping section of the forums as it's a bit of both to tell you the truth.

 

Ok so here goes. Up until the start of this year I had been single for almost a decade. For the first couple of years this was through choice - I had been in an 18 month relationship that ended pretty badly and didn't feel up for dating again. Then for the following years I had been doing everything I could to meet people including online dating, joining clubs, volunteering, getting out more but I never found anybody that I clicked with online, in person socially or on the few formal "dates" I went on and I didn't make too many new friends either as I'm a shy person. I have been on more dates in the last few years but only once did it get past first date, and the second date went badly.

 

This all changed earlier this year when I met somebody who was a better match than I ever thought was possible with regard to interests, sense of humour, personality, life goals and everything related to a relationship and who we are as people. Everything I ever dreamed I found all in one person for the first time, and it was somebody absolutely amazing who felt the same about me.

 

I generally find it hard to get on with people on that deep a level, and generally find happiness a temporary state, but from the moment we met we clicked on a deep level and I've never been happier. Originally we just met with the idea of being friends as we had similar interests, but from the moment we met it was obvious there was something more there. Up until the time we met the two things that made me happy were travelling and my own company but I found myself hating my own company and considered postponing a dream trip I had pre-booked a year ago (although I did go on it in the end as it was impossible to postpone). I did, however, book new flights and travel half way around the world a few days early so we could spend more time together at the end of my trip and not just have a 2 hour airport goodbye (see below).

 

There was always going to be a catch, unfortunately, in that a few months after meeting he was due to move to the other side of the world for reasons that couldn't be changed. We knew this from the start, accepted it, and made the most of our time together but it developed into something more deep and meaningful than anything either of us had experienced. By the end of these few months we came to the conclusion that we were just "supposed" to be together, and we started talking about the idea of long term plans and a future together which never happened to either of us before.

 

Of course in the back of our mind was the fact that we would be separated by several thousand miles soon and that, due to visa issues and a number of other things, being back together would be extremely hard for a few years but we both believed that meeting was something that was just supposed to happen and that even after a few years we would be able to reconnect and live happily ever after... wherever in the world this may be. That thought is a big change from me a year ago not even wanting to move out of the district I grew up in until I was completely exhausted with commuting 2 hours each way!

 

We did briefly talk online months before but for one reason or another never clicked or met, but we talked about it since then and agree for various reasons it wouldn't have got past friends with who we were as people then so we met at the time which was right for us to fall in love. There are so many other things which happened by chance for us to even be in with a chance of meeting, and so many things happened all at the right time in the right order for us to meet when we did which is another reason we believe it was our destiny.

 

But back on topic a couple of weeks ago, after a few months, we had a good final weekend together and an emotional airport goodbye. Initially I was strong, including on the day we parted, but now I'm finding it very hard adjusting to life where we're not together. I've been through big changes before including losing a job, a "best friend" causing me huge problems, being cheated on in my last relationship and the death of a close family member but this change is proving harder to adjust to. I guess for the first time in a long time I connected with somebody on that deep a level, found somebody I trusted 100% and felt comfortable enough to say "I love you" to again. Given more time who knows where it might have ended up.

 

I would have been open to a long distance relationship as I think this is something worth fighting for but he said it would hurt too much and he didn't want us to end up hating each other. I respected that view so didn't push the idea and we've agreed to just enjoy the memory of our happy times together (we both agreed they were the happiest months of our lives) and to just look forward to the day we reconnect. We both want to be together so much but forcing long distance on somebody that would be hurt by it wouldn't be something I would do to somebody I love so I'm going to accept the fact we can't be in a relationship anymore until our paths cross again and we live happily ever after... which we both believe is our destiny.

 

Me moving there wouldn't work as it would be a little soon for that, I don't speak the language very well and he wants to move somewhere else in a few years once his obligations back home have finished anyway... although that probably won't be here due to visa issues. For now I guess I just don't know what the future will hold - we've both told each other that if we find somebody else that makes us happy we want each other to go for it, but I don't think that'll happen any time soon as it'll take me a long time to accept the situation fully. However the main priority for me is him being happy so while I hope we end up together in the end I want him to do what is best for him even if that means happiness elsewhere.

 

We've been in contact on and off since the move, really miss each other, still say "I love you" to each other, have agreed to send letters to each other, and I'm due to visit in a few months as friends but the week has been a struggle for me. My brain has already adjusted - I know that we will see each other in a matter of months, that we have a deep bond that will never be broken, and that if it's meant to be we will be together. I've also known people to be separated by huge distance, lose contact completely for years and end up happily ever after so I'm staying positive about that. However I've been feeling physically sick, alternated between feeling numb all over / aching all over, been crying a lot and generally found it hard to have motivation for anything on a day to day basis which is affecting work and friendships.

 

I'm in the middle of a very quiet time at work, and don't have too many local friends, so I'm worried that I'll end up overthinking things and trying too hard to keep things going at the same pace - which won't work with the time difference and the distance for at least the next few years. I know we weren't together too long but my parents were together less time before they were engaged and they were happy together for almost 40 years... and there is no real schedule with love.

 

Just to add context I'm late 20's, he's early 20's.

 

I guess I'm wondering whether anybody has any tips from their own experience for getting my system adjusted to this change, staying positive about the whole situation and for making things still work as friends while still being special at the long distance pending the date in the future that we will maybe (hopefully) be together again?

Edited by musicalone
added context
Posted

Personally, I don't see your "relationship" through the same rose-colored glasses.

 

Nice to think you two "are destined" to be together, but if the reality of the situation is you're going to be apart FOR YEARS and you're not going to attempt a LDR, I don't see how you think this is going to all work out for the good.

 

Sounds to me you're doing a lot more worrying and what-iffing about all of this than your b/f. Maybe it's the age difference and maturity level, but both of you in different ways are being very naïve about all of this.

 

Yes, he may change his tune about going your separate ways and reconsider, but he'll be a lot more apt to do so if you aren't doing all the work. Make yourself as scarce as he does -- make him wonder if you've moved on.

 

I mean, after all he's the one who thinks it's okay to be so blasé about all of this, que sera, sera and all that rot, right? If he doesn't want to lose you then he needs to adjust his attitude. And, if you want affirmation that he's not going to risk losing you, he needs to step up to the plate instead of spewing all this BS about putting everything in the hands of "fate."

 

Sorry, you two can be idealists all you want, but in the real world that's a chicken-sh|t way out of having to make a commitment.

 

Best,

TMichaels

  • Like 1
Posted

I think you are more invested than he is. He sees the reality that a long-distance relationship isn't very feasible at this point. With no possibility to be together for a few years, he knows it isn't wise or healthy to enter a relationship.

 

It sounds as though you've gotten very attached to this idea, and don't have much else going on in your life. I don't mean to be unkind when I say that, but the lack of balance isn't healthy for you. It's giving you far too much time to focus on him and not enough on doing what's best for you. Given the short time you've known him, I'd say you're caught up in the idea of who he is rather than the real person. You don't know him very well yet; it's only been a few months and you've spent very little time together in person.

 

See how the next couple of months go. Realize that this isn't a relationship. It may have a happy ending, or you may decide it's not for you.

Posted

Hi musicalone,

 

Welcome to the LS Community and the LDR forum.

 

I think you wrote in the right forum. From what I could understand, he's a foreigner who was temporarily in your country. And now he's back in his country, thousands of miles away from you.

 

He's in his early 20s. I think I read lots of 'never before'. But you see, for anyone in their early 20s, most things never happened before. I have no idea where he's from, but I can also guess he enjoyed the romance while abroad.

 

He made clear to you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you while he's in a different country, whatever country that may be, his or another. That means just one thing: he wants to be free to date and go out with other girls. He doesn't want to be bound to you. Get it? We can go about it all you want, but that's it in a nutshell.

 

I really don't see the point in you visiting him in his country, especially just after he rejected you as a potential girlfriend. I know you have hopes of him changing his mind, but he's very young and already made a decision for himself. What can possibly happen when you go there? That you're still attracted to one another, and something will happen. That's very likely, even if it were just a kiss. But it could be more, obviously depending on you both. Then you fly back home and it's going to be hell. Because contact is going to fade soon, little by little. So if you think that you're in pain now, after that you're gonna feel like dying. Because you surrendered to him and he sort of took advantage.

 

Or...... there might be a totally different course of events. But that mainly depends on you. You don't go there anymore and do something else instead. I too think that you need to draw back.

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