Keenly Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 So much steam summer sale! I am stockpiling for winter. But.... Winter Sale... 1
loverboy69 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Yeah you can't change the guy. You have two choices: a) accept him for whom he is and make it work or b) move on. My parents were that way. My dad was a homebody and didn't like to socialize. He was very much a family man (great dad to us) but would get irritated at times when my mom would accept dinner invitations from other people or if she'd invite people over on the weekend. My mother on the other hand loved to cook and have couples over for dinner or coffee. So they learned to compromise. Socializing was never my dad's cup of tea but he gave in for my mom's sake and my mother learned to allow my dad a few weekends to ourselves. They've been together for 52 years. They made it work. I consider myself a bit of an introvert but I still love to go out. I consider my personality 50% dad and 50% mom. Perfect balance lol. 1
Arieswoman Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 kismetkismet, How does your b/f have all this time to play video games? Doesn't he go to work?
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) Do you think you can make it work when there are major differences in lifestyle? My ex and I broke up a few months ago, but have been sorting through our problems a bit lately. The one thing that really remains is that we live our lives differently.. basically the problem is that he is a bit of an escapist.. he wants to stay home and play video games late into the night and then sleep late into the day. I actually like doing that on occasion as well, but we were doing it SO much when we were together that I started to feel stuck and depressed myself. I like to have lots of plans, be outside, and party with friends etc. and I was passing up on plans all the time because otherwise I would hardly get to see him (our work schedules are quite different). When he does manage to get himself to go out he usually ends up really enjoying it. Then he's actually EXTREMELY outgoing and friendly, likes to go on adventures, and we have amazing conversations. In these times it's like we were just completely made for each other. We travel amazingly together as well. But he soon wants to retreat back into his apartment/video game cave... I'm not even sure if it's how he WANTS to live his life, because he complains of being in a rut and being really depressed all the time... And he talks about times when he wasn't like this very fondly.. I have a theory that we could make it work if we lived together.. then I could still go out with my friends and be active all the time, but still see him on a regular basis and have him as an integral part of my life (he doesn't mind when I go out with my friends at all). Maybe then he would even be more inclined to come out more often. But I'm not sure if this is just wishful thinking... Does anyone have any experience with two people wanting different lifestyles? Doesn't have to be this exact difference of course.. being in a rut and being really depressed all the time -- Being in a rut does make a person think they are depressed for sure and the two may co-exist. I find it interesting that he is able to travel and when is does get out is outgoing and has a good time but quickly reverts to wanting his rut/cave, etc. He's having fun but it's a temporary distraction from something going on in his life that he may be "pushing" away. He's doing this when home as well by caving, etc. But when he travels or does get out, he wants to get back to his "comfort zone" Is there anything in his life that is a source of significant stress? His job, relationship with family, finances? Oftentimes when people behave this way, it about something else. He "caves" and plays video games because he's distracting himself from whatever other issues he has going on around him. Trying to keep it away so to speak. If there is something he doesn't want to deal with or can't address or handle, that needs to be addressed/explored. And, he may in fact be clinically depressed as well. I'd investigate that a little while you're evaluating the potential for a reconciliation. Edited June 16, 2015 by Redhead14 1
Author kismetkismet Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 AriesWoman Yup he has his own tech business that he runs from home - which i don't think helps him with his homebody/hermit situation (he calls it hermiting himself, that's not just me being mean). So there are ebbs and flows to the amount of work. it's not a 9-5. Redhead14 Ya it method of escape.. but there aren't really any specific stressors except that he is extremely hard on himself thinking that he hasn't done enough with his life.. It's almost like because he is so talented and smart (this isn't just me being ga ga girlfriend, he's extremely above average intelligence and hiiiighly skilled musically) he is harder on himself for not doing anything with it. He often goes through little phases or moods where it really drags him down in a serious way. I feel like games give him a way to escape his life, and are a concrete way to achieve and compete (he's also very good at games..)
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 AriesWoman Yup he has his own tech business that he runs from home - which i don't think helps him with his homebody/hermit situation (he calls it hermiting himself, that's not just me being mean). So there are ebbs and flows to the amount of work. it's not a 9-5. Redhead14 Ya it method of escape.. but there aren't really any specific stressors except that he is extremely hard on himself thinking that he hasn't done enough with his life.. It's almost like because he is so talented and smart (this isn't just me being ga ga girlfriend, he's extremely above average intelligence and hiiiighly skilled musically) he is harder on himself for not doing anything with it. He often goes through little phases or moods where it really drags him down in a serious way. I feel like games give him a way to escape his life, and are a concrete way to achieve and compete (he's also very good at games..) He is extremely hard on himself thinking that he hasn't done enough with his life.. This answers answers the question. He's lazy. He's not being hard on himself, if he were, he'd be doing more with his life. He doesn't want to put in the effort to do it because he's lazy and afraid of failure. This mentality is about manipulating you and to keep you enabling this behavior. He needs a kick in his ass. You tell him that you love him but he needs to pull himself together and start building a life for himself that supports the ability to have a quality relationship and that you will not be living together until that happens. This thread is not about a lifestyle difference. Tough love is in order now. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 I don't think he's manipulating me intentionally.. but you're right.. He needs to pull himself together and start working on the things he loves other than video games, because he'll likely stay stuck and depressed until he does.. I have a hard time telling people what to do with their lives because I tend to just feel like that's their business and if I don't like it I can just leave. Which is part of why I left in the first place. I definitely should have communicated with him better about how it was affecting me though.. I suppose that's what I need to do. Thank you!!
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) I don't think he's manipulating me intentionally.. but you're right.. He needs to pull himself together and start working on the things he loves other than video games, because he'll likely stay stuck and depressed until he does.. I have a hard time telling people what to do with their lives because I tend to just feel like that's their business and if I don't like it I can just leave. Which is part of why I left in the first place. I definitely should have communicated with him better about how it was affecting me though.. I suppose that's what I need to do. Thank you!! You two are supposed to be working together toward reconciliation, right? I tend to just feel like that's their business. If you are working as a team toward reconciliation, his business is your business. He's not doing his part. It is completely appropriate for you to tell him what you need from him in order for that to happen. It's not about telling him what to do with his life, it's about telling him what he needs to do to have a life with you. Which is part of why I left in the first place -- A reconciliation cannot happen or be "successful" unless the issues that caused the original break up have been fully addressed and resolved PERIOD. You don't have to be bitchy about it, just be assertive and supportive. "I understand the feeling you have about where you are in your life and I want us to move forward with reconciliation. That can't happen if you're not taking more control of your situation. I am willing to help you in whatever capacity you need me, but I cannot do it for you. I need to know and see that you want to and are willing to put that effort in". And, once you've done that, you give him a little time to start doing it. If he doesn't start making any effort, you don't move in with him. Edited June 16, 2015 by Redhead14 1
MissBee Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Do you think you can make it work when there are major differences in lifestyle? My ex and I broke up a few months ago, but have been sorting through our problems a bit lately. The one thing that really remains is that we live our lives differently.. basically the problem is that he is a bit of an escapist.. he wants to stay home and play video games late into the night and then sleep late into the day. I actually like doing that on occasion as well, but we were doing it SO much when we were together that I started to feel stuck and depressed myself. I like to have lots of plans, be outside, and party with friends etc. and I was passing up on plans all the time because otherwise I would hardly get to see him (our work schedules are quite different). When he does manage to get himself to go out he usually ends up really enjoying it. Then he's actually EXTREMELY outgoing and friendly, likes to go on adventures, and we have amazing conversations. In these times it's like we were just completely made for each other. We travel amazingly together as well. But he soon wants to retreat back into his apartment/video game cave... I'm not even sure if it's how he WANTS to live his life, because he complains of being in a rut and being really depressed all the time... And he talks about times when he wasn't like this very fondly.. I have a theory that we could make it work if we lived together.. then I could still go out with my friends and be active all the time, but still see him on a regular basis and have him as an integral part of my life (he doesn't mind when I go out with my friends at all). Maybe then he would even be more inclined to come out more often. But I'm not sure if this is just wishful thinking... Does anyone have any experience with two people wanting different lifestyles? Doesn't have to be this exact difference of course.. Not in my experience. If someone's lifestyle choice makes you feel depressed, how can you possibly share a life with them? Hobbies and lifestyle are different things. Hobbies are things that you do as part of your life and lifestyle but may not necessarily be fundamental to your life, so if your partner doesn't share them it's not necessarily a big deal. A lifestyle is more all encompassing and it's a lot harder to reconcile having totally divergent ways of living. A good relationship for me is where the person is like a best friend to me. That means we share a lot and have a lot in common and genuinely enjoy each other's company, can talk about things comfortably and can share in certain activities....you wouldn't be best friends with someone who is totally different whose lifestyle depresses you, same with a SO. If a man is part of my life seriously he shouldn't be in a compartment hidden away but as a couple we should be able to see the light of day together, go out with my friends sometimes, do social things and engage in each other's lives beyond sitting on the couch playing games and being depressed.
Author kismetkismet Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 Redhead14 Thank you. That is really great advice and has given me a lot of clarity Now I guess that i have to get clear on what it is that I need... He doesn't have to come out with me all the time.. But some kind of shift in productivity/activity would need to happen. MissBee We are really best friends is the thing. He was just going on about this the other day and I know that it's very true for him. The funny thing is that we do have a lot of similar hobbies - climbing, video games, food/beer scene etc.. when i can get him out of the house haha. Problem is that that is difficult.. he's too focused on video games and that sort of thing, so it's more that the balance of what we want to do is off. BUT you are right about the rest of it for sure. I'd like to share more of my life with him...
Author kismetkismet Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 Keenly Not WoW if that's what you were thinking haha. He plays a bunch of different stuff, Diablo, Battlefield, Far Cry, Dragon Age, lately it's been Elite Dangerous which is kind of proving to be the worst of them all.. Massive multiplayers are not good for people prone to video game addiction i don't think haha.
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Keenly Not WoW if that's what you were thinking haha. He plays a bunch of different stuff, Diablo, Battlefield, Far Cry, Dragon Age, lately it's been Elite Dangerous which is kind of proving to be the worst of them all.. Massive multiplayers are not good for people prone to video game addiction i don't think haha. It seems like he has good tastE. I was expecting destiny actually. Is he a comcompetitive person? Video games can feed off of the competitive nature of a really strong personality and can become quite the lure. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 hehe yup! He is suuuuper competitive, and intelligent and has a really strong personality.. loves the stats and things, and concrete accomplishment that video games can give you I think. It's like the perfect escape for a person like him. I feel like him cutting back on the gaming would improve his entire life, not just our relationship.. But I don't know if he's willing to leap back into his life yet, which makes me really sad. Even if we weren't together I'd still want him to be engaged in his life. We're having a chat this weekend so we shall see.
Recommended Posts