Author angeleyes08 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 Are you not afraid this will be your life? And yes, I have had a similar experience with a woman. She pushed me away when she was stressed out. She pushed all emotions overboard, became very logical and showed poor memory. That was - she told me - how she always managed stress. At the same time nobody she knew was allowed to know that she had a rough time. At least she explained that that's how she deals with stress. I don't expect him to call or text me all the time, but I at least deserve a little explanation so I don't sit at home and cry and assume we are broken up.
JewelD Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 The only reason why I did say that is because everything was fine and two nights before that he called me and when I called back he said he wasn't in the mood to talk. The next day he didnt contact me once and when I contacted him asking for him to talk to me, I felt like anyone would say that because when someone all of the sudden stops talking to you, what are you supposed to do or say? If your loved one just stopped contacting you, you would feel sick to your stomach too. He could have simply texted me and explained that he needs space. Also a week befoe all that I had a bad day when I got some bad news and I was very cold and short with him and he was to the one that said " We all have bad days but you dont have to be cold and mean. All you have to do is say sorry and tell me that you are not int he mood". I also told him that I was thinking of him and loved him so he knew I was there for him and he hasnt bothered to reply for 2 days now. What is one to do in my shoes? Do I just sit there for days and wait till he connects? YES. That is exactly what you do. He point blank told you he wants to be alone and you know he's dealing with work issues. His world does not revolve around you and yours should not revolve around him. Just leave him alone until he contacts you. I promise you, if you bug him about your relationship and tell him he's handling it wrong, you're simply adding onto his stress. He'll probably want to talk to you even less. You can't hold somebody who doesn't want to be held. It will piss him off and you'll be rejected and feel even worse. If you want to bring up your issues, wait til he contacts you. If he doesn't, move on. He didn't forget you exist, he just doesn't want to talk to you. So wait til he does or move on. 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Give him an ultimatum. If he wants you in his future at all, he has to find a job that is not tied to his father or family. It sounds like he's in an untenable position that's driving him crazy. No wonder he can't give you the affection & attention you deserve. You also don't need that kind of stress in your life. I don't understand how guys become married to their work, like many Japanese businessmen.
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 At least she explained that that's how she deals with stress. I don't expect him to call or text me all the time, but I at least deserve a little explanation so I don't sit at home and cry and assume we are broken up. I am not sure if my situation was that much better than yours as I left out a few details. It took a few weeks before she told me what was going on. All that time I was worried sick because she had found out she was seriously ill. She did not want to tell me yet what she had.
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 I am just feeling more hurt each day. I know its only been since Saturday that he told me he wants to be alone right now BUT it feels like forever and it feels like he will never contact me again. I mean what if it takes him weeks to contact me? That's not love...
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I am just feeling more hurt each day. I know its only been since Saturday that he told me he wants to be alone right now BUT it feels like forever and it feels like he will never contact me again. I mean what if it takes him weeks to contact me? That's not love... Love means being attentive to each-others needs. With my ex that meant giving her the space she needed to open up. See it as a good exercise in trust. On a later moment it is wise to try and look into your abandonment issues, I do not say that to upset you.
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 I guess my next move is to just leave it in his hands and when he does call/text it will be up to me what I will want to do. I just hope that if he is breaking up with me he wont take weeks to tell me. i would rather know this week so I can move on and have a great summer and start going out again. I have one issue, my stuff is at his house. Most of my summer shoes and some outfits that I need. I was thinking of going there this Saturday while hes not home and take my stuff. His cleaning lady comes then and she will def tell him I came by to get my stuff. In the past when we broke up, me getting my stuff form him was not successful. He always avoided that question because he didnt want to me be gone. I think my be getting my stuff quietly without bothering him will also show him that I am moving on and not waiting around. Good idea or no?
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I guess my next move is to just leave it in his hands and when he does call/text it will be up to me what I will want to do. I just hope that if he is breaking up with me he wont take weeks to tell me. i would rather know this week so I can move on and have a great summer and start going out again. I have one issue, my stuff is at his house. Most of my summer shoes and some outfits that I need. I was thinking of going there this Saturday while hes not home and take my stuff. His cleaning lady comes then and she will def tell him I came by to get my stuff. In the past when we broke up, me getting my stuff form him was not successful. He always avoided that question because he didnt want to me be gone. I think my be getting my stuff quietly without bothering him will also show him that I am moving on and not waiting around. Good idea or no? Well, I am not sure that he wants to break up, I am sure though that his head is full with stress at the moment. For you it is important to find out the coming time if you can be in a relationship where the partner sometimes takes his distance. It is not a shame if it turns out that you cannot. Although the space to take some distance in a relation is healthy. By breaking up now you certainly add more strain to his situation. I think he deserves more time, he has told you that he loves you so try to remember that. You also can try to enjoy life without breaking with him. See it as an experiment to discover what you need and why you encounter the feelings or anxieties that you experience. But I wonder, you write about a quick answer so that you can start this summer with going out again. Why are you already thinking about that?
kismetkismet Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Don't just to conclusions just yet! but to clarify, did he tell you he why he wanted space? Did he say to you "i'm not in the mood to talk, i'm stressed about work" or "i just need some space to myself because i'm stressed out" You're right that you do deserve an explanation of why. I sort of thought that he had made it clear to you that it was work related. Once he does explain why though, then it's fair to give him space when he is so stressed out. 1
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 Don't just to conclusions just yet! but to clarify, did he tell you he why he wanted space? Did he say to you "i'm not in the mood to talk, i'm stressed about work" or "i just need some space to myself because i'm stressed out" You're right that you do deserve an explanation of why. I sort of thought that he had made it clear to you that it was work related. Once he does explain why though, then it's fair to give him space when he is so stressed out. Nope he did not. He said I don't want to talk just like that. Then ignored me for a day then when I texted and asked to speak to me because I wasnt sure why he is mad he only then sent me a whole story about how his deal didnt go through and only next day he said "Sorry just want to be alone right now". That's hwy I am upset because there is zero explanation. I am basically putting the pieces together and assuming its work.
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Nope he did not. He said I don't want to talk just like that. Then ignored me for a day then when I texted and asked to speak to me because I wasnt sure why he is mad he only then sent me a whole story about how his deal didnt go through and only next day he said "Sorry just want to be alone right now". That's hwy I am upset because there is zero explanation. I am basically putting the pieces together and assuming its work. This is an explanation. Give him time! 1
minime13 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Give him an ultimatum. If he wants you in his future at all, he has to find a job that is not tied to his father or family. It sounds like he's in an untenable position that's driving him crazy. No wonder he can't give you the affection & attention you deserve. You also don't need that kind of stress in your life. I don't understand how guys become married to their work, like many Japanese businessmen. Do NOT do this. You may as well break up with a person if you feel you're at the point of giving an ultimatum. These don't work and should never be used as a tactic to preserve a relationship. 5
rester Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I guess my next move is to just leave it in his hands and when he does call/text it will be up to me what I will want to do. I just hope that if he is breaking up with me he wont take weeks to tell me. i would rather know this week so I can move on and have a great summer and start going out again. I have one issue, my stuff is at his house. Most of my summer shoes and some outfits that I need. I was thinking of going there this Saturday while hes not home and take my stuff. His cleaning lady comes then and she will def tell him I came by to get my stuff. In the past when we broke up, me getting my stuff form him was not successful. He always avoided that question because he didnt want to me be gone. I think my be getting my stuff quietly without bothering him will also show him that I am moving on and not waiting around. Good idea or no? I don't think it's a good idea to go by his place to gather your things without telling him. I'm getting very little empathy from you in these posts. All you seem concerned with is when is he going to break up with you so you can have some fun, when can you get your stuff back, and when is he going to provide you with some attention. I apologize if that sounds harsh, but it's what I am getting from your posts. I am with the others that say to give him some time. It sounds like he's dealing with a life changing situation. Unless you want to end things with him, I don't see any options for you other than to give him some time to come back to you. I would suggest one more text saying that you are thinking about him and that you are there for him if he needs you, but then wait for him. Don't expect a text back for a couple days. If you REALLY need some of your clothes back, maybe add that to your text, but you risk him getting the impression that you care more for your stuff than for him. 2
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 So he texted me like 6 hours " Hi Babe how are you' I replied with " hey babe Im ok and how are you doing?" He read the text 5 hours ago and hasn't replied. He always replies within 10 min max. Not sure if that was his way of "checking in" but I am leaving it to him. If he doesn't reply I am not saying anythign else
minime13 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 So he texted me like 6 hours " Hi Babe how are you' I replied with " hey babe Im ok and how are you doing?" He read the text 5 hours ago and hasn't replied. He always replies within 10 min max. Not sure if that was his way of "checking in" but I am leaving it to him. If he doesn't reply I am not saying anythign else You can't dissect every single text he sends. Him needing some space to deal with his financial/work issue is what he needs, and he will open up to you and talk about it when he is ready to. If you can't handle that, then you should probably just end it. Pushing him to talk is not going to make him talk. He'll do it when he's ready. What you can do is maybe talk about your day, or talk about innocuous things if you want conversation with him, and you really want to gauge whether or not he still wants to connect with you. When you do text or talk to each other, keep the conversation light and positive. Then perhaps he'll want to be around you and get together. If he's thinking that you're going to bring up something he doesn't want to talk about or pressure him to open up about something he's not ready to yet, he will not look forward to or want to hang out or talk to you. 4
rester Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 When I know that my girlfriend is in the thick of a very stressful situation (something that is common while she is working), I will send her a text that lets her know that I'm thinking about her but I also make a point to let her know that she doesn't have to respond. Usually it's an inside joke or something in my life that reminded me of her. I say something like, "no need to respond to this: bla bla blah bla." It let's her know I'm thinking about her but allows her to get back to me when she's ready without feeling any guilt about being too busy to respond. It really helps to send a text without any expectation of a response. 2
kismetkismet Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 That's a good move above ^^ I'd ask him to explain in future when he needs some space to deal with work stress. I actually had the exact same issue with my ex. I told him just to give me a heads up when he was going to need some space to deal with work stress. Then at least you know it's not about you and your relationship.
kendahke Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 This is your lesson in discipline. Stern words follow: I really haven't read in any of your posts, OP, where you are trying to understand what your boyfriend is going through. All I keep reading about is your lack of attention, you not being first on his mind right now, etc. If he was in the basement playing video games for days on end, yeah, I could see your anger. What I'm reading is that a bomb went off in his life and it's inconveniencing you. He's got a very serious problem going on in his life. He needs to focus on setting things right. He's trying to salvage his work--this investment of 5 years of his time, money and focus; his means of making his living: his means of identifying himself as one who is capable of providing for himself and taking care of himself and whoever he decides to be with. To abandon that to go have fun would be him being irresponsible at a critical time. Yeah, it's going to be an inconvenience to you, but if you aren't strong enough to stand in the gap during this hurricane, then you're not strong enough to stand there when other problems will come your way; and they will. The most supportive thing you can do is to occupy yourself with things in your life (which you never should let go of just because you're in a relationship) and give him the room to come to you when he's ready. He knows where you are, he knows where you live, he knows you love him, but he also knows there is nothing you can do for him if you do not have the wherewithall to make materialize everything that his father has obliterated. Now, unless you've got it like that and can restore, completely, everything that has been lost so far, then no--you can't do anything for him but give him room to sort out the aftermath. I dont' mean to come across as harsh in this, but it's quite apparent to me from all of your posts in this thread that you're only giving lip service to understanding what he's going through.
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