angeleyes08 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Please help me with my situation as I am going crazy! My bf and I got back together 2 months ago and its been great. I broke up with him because he wasn't giving me his all. He came back and finally told me he loved me and he realized how he was acting was wrong. He told me he is lucky to have me and he needs me. He has also pulled away from me last summer because he said he needed to do that but realized he messed up. He has been having major business issues where he could potentially lose 5 years of work that he has put in towards a project. His deals arent going through and he has been very depressed over that. The worse part of it all, his business partner is his own DAD and his dad is the one causing this. That is whyy he is really upset, because it's his own Dad. He cried to me last week BUT this week he changed. He told me on Wednsday night that he wasn't in the mood to talk (bceause during the day a deal that was supposed to go through didn't). I told him he was hurting my feelings by doing that and next day he did not contact me at all! Its not like him. On Friday I texted him and said that I dont know hwta I did to him for him to act this way and that he needs to talk to me because I am trying. He explained that the deal wasn't going through like he thought and it dejected him for a few days. I then said I am trying my best to help you and make you feel good but you made me feel sick to my stomach by not contacting me. I also said that I am here for him always and I loved him. He said I love you too and thats it. On Saturday ( we always get together on the weekend, its been our regular thing) He FINALLY texted me in the evening saying " sorry feel like being alone right now" He was very cold and short and didnt say anything to make me feel like its not me. I texted him today saying " Thinking of you. Missing and love you". He hasnt replied all day. I am going to leave it alone for a few days BUT how long do I wait? I cant wait forever for him to reach out. I respect his decision but he also cant leave me hanging. I feel like he will be breaking up with me or something. I told him i am there and I loved him and I havent bothered him much and will not connect with him again. Its hard for me to understand how you can tell someone you love them and call them to vent or cry and then next day BOOM, you dont even have the heart to say " I am sorry I love you please give me some space. All i got was " Sorry I want to be alone" I am very sad and cant get my mind off him and scared he will pull away like last year. The only difference this time is he said he loved me and that I am the only thing make shim happy. he also said he feel WAY DIFFERENT for me than last year. So i am hoping this is just a time issue for us...
SmartDude Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Pulling away and isolating is sometimes a way that us guys try to preserve a relationship when we are not feeling well. When something said could cause harm to a relationship, sometimes it seems like the answer is just to "get away" for awhile...So as to not cause any more damage to a relationship. It is not always a preamble to a breakup. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I'm going to sound harsh here, but you're not being very understanding. He is experiencing a major crisis when all his hard life's work could disappear, thanks to his own father's negligence and neglect. This must be causing enormous turmoil in your partner's mind. Normally there are avenues to follow if a Business partner creates catastrophic problems - but this is his dad. he's going through enormous emotional upheaval, and it's obviously something he needs to process and work out by himself. This isn't about you. It doesn't even concern you because other than being supportive and loving him, there is little in the way of practical, that you can offer. I'm sorry, but it's nothing against you, and nothing you can do anything about. You will just have to be patient and quit pressuring him. he really doesn't need your insistence, on top of everything else he has to cope with: A failing business, ruin, and his father the culprit. To be frank, you're in third place, and that's only right, at this time.... 5
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 But how long to I wait? It seems unfair to me if he doesn't connect with me for a week or so. I just dont get why its so hard to just send a nice text which he is capable of doing. If he just sent me somehtign to reassure me that everything is okay with us and that he loves me I wouldnt be upset. Im just upset that he didnt reply yesterday when I said I am thinking of him and love him and that makes me feel like its me!
Satu Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 It just like he's been heavily stressed, and needs to focus on himself for a while. There's nothing wrong with that. A bit of time alone can be good for relationships. Try not to put pressure on him if he's already overloaded. Use some self soothing behaviours yourself, like stretching and breathing, and relaxation techniques. Take care. 2
minime13 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You can't force him to talk about issues that are bothering him. You do have to wait til he reaches out, and then listen, or give advice, or give support - whatever he needs. What you can talk about, though, is how his problems (not yours, and they shouldn't be made yours) may be affecting the relationship. If he says he needs a little time and space, then he needs to let you know what that means. Does he need the weekend to just be to himself? The week? A couple of weeks? You shouldn't be left hanging. However, you already told him you wouldn't contact him again, so the ball is in his court. When he contacts you again, you should probably discuss how the relationship is being affected with his hot and cold behavior. The worst thing you can do, though, is try to make him feel guilty when he's going through a hard time and has asked for a little time. The message you sent about feeling sick to your stomach? That'a emotional blackmail, and it will get you nowhere good. It's dramatic, too, and most people do not respond well to drama. 3
rester Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Sometimes people don't want to talk things out, and their partners may put pressure on them to do so. I would give him some time. Check in with him to see how he's doing, but don't ask him too many questions about what he's going through. Let him share with you what he wants to share with you. 3
JewelD Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Seems like he's got other things on his mind. I know its unfathomable to a lot of us women, but some guys actually do just need some space when they're having issues. His problem doesn't sound directly related to you and there's not much you can do to change it except listen. Just give him his space and let him come to you. I guarantee you, continuing to reach out to him is probably more likely to push him away since he's already expressed he wants time alone. If he never contacts you, you know what it is and you should move on.
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 You can't force him to talk about issues that are bothering him. You do have to wait til he reaches out, and then listen, or give advice, or give support - whatever he needs. What you can talk about, though, is how his problems (not yours, and they shouldn't be made yours) may be affecting the relationship. If he says he needs a little time and space, then he needs to let you know what that means. Does he need the weekend to just be to himself? The week? A couple of weeks? You shouldn't be left hanging. However, you already told him you wouldn't contact him again, so the ball is in his court. When he contacts you again, you should probably discuss how the relationship is being affected with his hot and cold behavior. The worst thing you can do, though, is try to make him feel guilty when he's going through a hard time and has asked for a little time. The message you sent about feeling sick to your stomach? That'a emotional blackmail, and it will get you nowhere good. It's dramatic, too, and most people do not respond well to drama. I only said I was sick to my stomach because he called me and I called back an hour later and he did not pick up my calls then said I dont feel like talking. The next day he DIDNT call or text at all and the only reason why he texted is because I said please talk to me you haven't reached out in 2 days. I kind of do regret replying with that comment saying he made me feel sick to my stomach BUT i also texted right away saying I am always here for you and I love you. Hopefully that didnt push him away completely... 1
kismetkismet Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You need to give him some space!! Different people process stress differently... while you might need someone to talk to and lean on etc. when you are stressed out, some people need to just have some time to themselves where they don't have to deal with any other problems. If he's telling you he's stressed and doesn't want to talk, or needs some time to himself, and then you turn that into a relationship problem - then you're being the opposite of supportive, and are just becoming another of the problems in his life. I suggest you give him some time and wait for him to contact you, then apologizing for not being understanding of his need for space. Then next time he has a stressful day and says he needs time to himself to debrief, tell him that you are always there when he needs you and then wait until he comes to you with his problems. 2
Itspointless Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 It is hard how some people push you away when they are stressed. I get your need for being there for him. He on the other hand seems dismissive of that. At this point you unfortunately have no choice than to accept that he deals with stress this way and that you need to give him space until he returns. It is on you to find out if you can handle that as these kind of primary reactions to danger are deeply ingrained.
ravfour4 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 My ex gf came back - wanting to be friends and to see if we could fall back in love the day after leaving the rebound she left me for. She kept saying she was confused and eventually that she needed space. Needing space was code for going back to the other guy. Not saying that's what happening to you, but just another perspective on what "I need time/space" has meant.
beach Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 He has a lot on his mind. He's is spending all his time and energy trying to keep the business going. Step away while he's busy. If you need a man that reacts to stress differently than he does then end it with him. Be supportive but not demanding if you stay with him. He needs space to sort through things.
Sameold Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Needing space means she wants to open her legs up to other guys and while she does this she will keep you hanging!
erklat Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 My relationship with my father completely collapsed because of family business. That, lack of success on college, lack of validation among my class because of that threw me on my knees, then I met my ex who threw me on my knees some months later. Family business is always tragically bad idea. Like really really bad. That being said I never wanted to be alone. I wanted someone to support me and validate my opinion. Most of the time sudden wish for loneliness means there is someone else in the picture.
minime13 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Good Lord people, personal experience one way doesn't mean that more often than not wanting to be alone means that you're being cheated on. If this person is being stressed out because of joint family and job relations with serious financial repercussions, then actually taking a little time to themselves is quite reasonable. This sounds like what this person is doing. If someone wants space and acts distant without much reason, then you can perhaps wonder if someone else is in the picture. This is not at all what the OP is describing here. Additionally, the OP gave zero inclination that she suspects anything other than him silently retreating and not wanting to talk about his professional/family issues right now, so why would you guys put that in her head? People actually do get stressed out or overwhelmed at times and need to step back from things. Relationships are no different. 5
daisy_098 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I'm kind of going through the same situation, so I know exactly how you feel! Honestly the only thing you can do is be understanding on his part and patient. He's going through a lot and seems he doesn't really express his feelings, like most men, but give him time and wait for him to text you. Don't pressure him to talk about his problems but rather make him feel like he still has you. There's honestly no exact time in knowing when he'll be okay, it could be weeks or months or years but let him focus on his problems and focus on himself for a bit. On the other hand, its not fair for you to be clinging on waiting for him to be okay when this process would take months. Focus on yourself and hang out with friends and family and just know he still thinking about you because trust me he is! but at this moment he chooses not to mix his personal life problems and his relationship, with you, together because he doesn't want to risk loosing everything. Just be calm, and take it day by day. This will be hard but be strong and confident that everything will be okay. 1
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 I'm kind of going through the same situation, so I know exactly how you feel! Honestly the only thing you can do is be understanding on his part and patient. He's going through a lot and seems he doesn't really express his feelings, like most men, but give him time and wait for him to text you. Don't pressure him to talk about his problems but rather make him feel like he still has you. There's honestly no exact time in knowing when he'll be okay, it could be weeks or months or years but let him focus on his problems and focus on himself for a bit. On the other hand, its not fair for you to be clinging on waiting for him to be okay when this process would take months. Focus on yourself and hang out with friends and family and just know he still thinking about you because trust me he is! but at this moment he chooses not to mix his personal life problems and his relationship, with you, together because he doesn't want to risk loosing everything. Just be calm, and take it day by day. This will be hard but be strong and confident that everything will be okay. I know i feel like i already tried contacting him on Friday and did tell him i love him and I am there for him. I kindof regret texting him yesterday and saying I am thinking of you and I love you. I just wanted him to know that and didnt ask any questions. Now the ball is in his court
daisy_098 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I know i feel like i already tried contacting him on Friday and did tell him i love him and I am there for him. I kindof regret texting him yesterday and saying I am thinking of you and I love you. I just wanted him to know that and didnt ask any questions. Now the ball is in his court Don't regret it, because that's how you feel you're in a emotional roller coaster so you want everything to be the same like before. But this space, will probably help your relationship in the future in being even stronger. My bf and I have been broken up for 2 months now and last week we were okay but now we're back to not speaking again because of all the stress he's in from work and his life. we're madly in love, but his way of dealing pressure and stress is far different from mine so try to be understanding with your bf and give him his space and time. Like I said this could take months so try to be positive and one suggestion, don't send anymore text. Yes, this will be the most difficult thing to do but the more text you send him and not get a reply the more you are hurting YOURSELF and being miserable and its not worth it at all.
jelly9 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 When my ex broke up with me he kept saying he wanted to be "alone". I can't say i know the exact reasons still but I do know that he was extremely overwhelmed by what was going on in his head and I thought the solution was to make him talk. I keep beating myself up thinking I shouldn't have expected a solution to problems to happen so fast. Idk can't say i have much advice to give actually. But he just need space to think to himself simply about the work stuff. It could have nothing to do with you! Through these past two weeks of my breakup, I know my worst enemy is myself.. I noticed I feel the absolute worst NOT when something bad has happened with us but when I ASSUME stuff. Try to resist the urge to assume.
mightycpa Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 You're doing it all wrong. You need to tell him that you don't like seeing him like this, and he needs to step up and take care of his problems so that they don't bleed into the relationship. Tell him he can have all the time in the world, but you don't want to see him again until he gets his work drama handled and under control. I hated dating girls with work drama. Now you know why. 1
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I'm kind of going through the same situation, so I know exactly how you feel! Honestly the only thing you can do is be understanding on his part and patient. He's going through a lot and seems he doesn't really express his feelings, like most men, but give him time and wait for him to text you. Don't pressure him to talk about his problems but rather make him feel like he still has you. There's honestly no exact time in knowing when he'll be okay, it could be weeks or months or years but let him focus on his problems and focus on himself for a bit. On the other hand, its not fair for you to be clinging on waiting for him to be okay when this process would take months. Focus on yourself and hang out with friends and family and just know he still thinking about you because trust me he is! but at this moment he chooses not to mix his personal life problems and his relationship, with you, together because he doesn't want to risk loosing everything. Just be calm, and take it day by day. This will be hard but be strong and confident that everything will be okay. I agree, this is with some additions close to what I was saying. But let me repeat my point. You have to find out if this is something you can deal with, because this is what he does when stressed.
joseb Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 The message you sent about feeling sick to your stomach? That'a emotional blackmail, and it will get you nowhere good. It's dramatic, too, and most people do not respond well to drama. Yeah that's what I thought too when I read it. If I was in his situation, and I got that message, I would be really pissed off. If this is a pattern with him, if he had been like this before, about other things, then maybe you are right to be worried. But it sounds like he is just having an incredibly stressful time, and is dealing with it the best he can. You adding to his stresses isn't helping.
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 My bf and I have been broken up for 2 months now and last week we were okay but now we're back to not speaking again because of all the stress he's in from work and his life. we're madly in love, but his way of dealing pressure and stress is far different from mine so try to be understanding with your bf and give him his space and time. Are you not afraid this will be your life? And yes, I have had a similar experience with a woman. She pushed me away when she was stressed out. She pushed all emotions overboard, became very logical and showed poor memory. That was - she told me - how she always managed stress. At the same time nobody she knew was allowed to know that she had a rough time.
Author angeleyes08 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 Yeah that's what I thought too when I read it. If I was in his situation, and I got that message, I would be really pissed off. If this is a pattern with him, if he had been like this before, about other things, then maybe you are right to be worried. But it sounds like he is just having an incredibly stressful time, and is dealing with it the best he can. You adding to his stresses isn't helping. The only reason why I did say that is because everything was fine and two nights before that he called me and when I called back he said he wasn't in the mood to talk. The next day he didnt contact me once and when I contacted him asking for him to talk to me, I felt like anyone would say that because when someone all of the sudden stops talking to you, what are you supposed to do or say? If your loved one just stopped contacting you, you would feel sick to your stomach too. He could have simply texted me and explained that he needs space. Also a week befoe all that I had a bad day when I got some bad news and I was very cold and short with him and he was to the one that said " We all have bad days but you dont have to be cold and mean. All you have to do is say sorry and tell me that you are not int he mood". I also told him that I was thinking of him and loved him so he knew I was there for him and he hasnt bothered to reply for 2 days now. What is one to do in my shoes? Do I just sit there for days and wait till he connects?
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