Hot/cold guy friend??

[hunnybun90]

Ok I will try to keep this short. I have a guy friend I recently reconnected with about a month ago. When we first started talking again, he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him I was just dating and asked him the same. He said he was dating but nothing serious and he wasn’t looking for that right now. We went out a few times, and had a really nice time together. The last time we went out, we both had some drinks and got a little touchy feely in the parking lot. He tried to kiss me but I turned my head (he knows I like to move slow)so he kissed my neck instead. After I got home, he started texting how he was a bad friend to me because he touched on me and tried to kiss me but he is very attracted to me. He said if we are only friends then it needs to stay like that.

 

Well ever since that night 2 weeks ago, he has been hot/cold with me. He constantly jokes about me seeing other guys and going on dates when I tell him I have plans…even if those plans are with my friends. We went out to lunch recently and he was himself but distance physically, he usually hugs me tightly but I noticed he was trying to give a half-hug like I usually try to do.

 

 

This past weekend I noticed him trying to be secretive with his plans…like he wanted me to think he was on a date. When I referred to his weekend plans as a date, he got kinda upset and asked me why I always bring that up. The funny thing is this is the first time I have ever said anything like that about him going on a date, it is always him that accuses me.

 

So I don’t know at this point….should I just leave him alone?

 

ETA: We talk and text every single day...

[Redhead14]

Ok I will try to keep this short. I have a guy friend I recently reconnected with about a month ago. When we first started talking again, he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him I was just dating and asked him the same. He said he was dating but nothing serious and he wasn’t looking for that right now. We went out a few times, and had a really nice time together. The last time we went out, we both had some drinks and got a little touchy feely in the parking lot. He tried to kiss me but I turned my head (he knows I like to move slow)so he kissed my neck instead. After I got home, he started texting how he was a bad friend to me because he touched on me and tried to kiss me but he is very attracted to me. He said if we are only friends then it needs to stay like that.

 

Well ever since that night 2 weeks ago, he has been hot/cold with me. He constantly jokes about me seeing other guys and going on dates when I tell him I have plans…even if those plans are with my friends. We went out to lunch recently and he was himself but distance physically, he usually hugs me tightly but I noticed he was trying to give a half-hug like I usually try to do.

 

 

This past weekend I noticed him trying to be secretive with his plans…like he wanted me to think he was on a date. When I referred to his weekend plans as a date, he got kinda upset and asked me why I always bring that up. The funny thing is this is the first time I have ever said anything like that about him going on a date, it is always him that accuses me.

 

So I don’t know at this point….should I just leave him alone?

 

ETA: We talk and text every single day...

 

He said if we are only friends then it needs to stay like that. -- He doesn't know what you want. Well ever since that night 2 weeks ago, he has been hot/cold with me. He wants more with you, basically asked you what you want and you haven't told him. He's getting mixed signals from you, so now he's giving you mixed signals and/or mirroring you -- "distance physically, he usually hugs me tightly but I noticed he was trying to give a half-hug like I usually try to do. ."

 

You talk everyday but the communication is apparently poor.

[jen1447]

I take it you have no real romantic intentions for him? Then all you can do is give him space. Can't force-friend him.

[hunnybun90]

I take it you have no real romantic intentions for him? Then all you can do is give him space. Can't force-friend him.

 

No I like him alot. I just don't want to do the wrong thing...seem needy or any of that...so I have been trying to get close and keep a cool distance at the same time....

[hunnybun90]

He said if we are only friends then it needs to stay like that. -- He doesn't know what you want. Well ever since that night 2 weeks ago, he has been hot/cold with me. He wants more with you, basically asked you what you want and you haven't told him. He's getting mixed signals from you, so now he's giving you mixed signals and/or mirroring you -- "distance physically, he usually hugs me tightly but I noticed he was trying to give a half-hug like I usually try to do. ."

 

You talk everyday but the communication is apparently poor.

 

I like this guy alot but I am worried about coming off clingy and needy...I am just trying to play it cool I guess. I mean I want to just text him and tell him i want to see him but I am scared to...have a huge fear of rejection.

[Redhead14]

No I like him alot. I just don't want to do the wrong thing...seem needy or any of that...so I have been trying to get close and keep a cool distance at the same time....

 

I'd say you're being more than cool. More like cold. Open a light, casual conversation with him. Explain what it is you want for yourself out of your dating journey and that you do really like him and want to see if you can have a relationship with him. And, then let him talk.

 

I have been trying to get close and keep a cool distance at the same time -- That is the definition of hot and cold.

 

Interest in someone has to be balanced. He's coming on with serious interest, you show the same. Don't go overboard, respond in kind. Needy or clingy is contacting him constantly or way more than he reaches out to you or initiating too often, etc.

[jen1447]

No I like him alot. I just don't want to do the wrong thing...seem needy or any of that...so I have been trying to get close and keep a cool distance at the same time....

 

I don't follow that ....is he relationship material or not, or don't you know for sure?

[Emilia]

He has been very honest that he doesn't want a relationship so....

[hunnybun90]

I don't follow that ....is he relationship material or not, or don't you know for sure?

 

Sorry...yes I like him more than a friend so yes he could be relationship material. I am not sure about how to proceed. Have I lost him? He still texts me all the time. I guess I am the one being hot/cold.

[hunnybun90]

I guess what’s happened is since I didn’t kiss him, I am having to do the initiating of hanging out. He still wants to hang out and talks about all the stuff we can do together but then it’s like he leaves it on me to make the plans…I don’t want to be stuck always asking him to go do stuff all the time...

[Redhead14]

Ok I will try to keep this short. I have a guy friend I recently reconnected with about a month ago. When we first started talking again, he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him I was just dating and asked him the same. He said he was dating but nothing serious and he wasn’t looking for that right now. We went out a few times, and had a really nice time together. The last time we went out, we both had some drinks and got a little touchy feely in the parking lot. He tried to kiss me but I turned my head (he knows I like to move slow)so he kissed my neck instead. After I got home, he started texting how he was a bad friend to me because he touched on me and tried to kiss me but he is very attracted to me. He said if we are only friends then it needs to stay like that.

 

Well ever since that night 2 weeks ago, he has been hot/cold with me. He constantly jokes about me seeing other guys and going on dates when I tell him I have plans…even if those plans are with my friends. We went out to lunch recently and he was himself but distance physically, he usually hugs me tightly but I noticed he was trying to give a half-hug like I usually try to do.

 

 

This past weekend I noticed him trying to be secretive with his plans…like he wanted me to think he was on a date. When I referred to his weekend plans as a date, he got kinda upset and asked me why I always bring that up. The funny thing is this is the first time I have ever said anything like that about him going on a date, it is always him that accuses me.

 

So I don’t know at this point….should I just leave him alone?

 

ETA: We talk and text every single day...

 

He said he was dating but nothing serious and he wasn’t looking for that right now -- I missed this somehow.

 

My opinion changes a little. That statement is nebulous. The question is does he want a relationship at all for his future? Some times a guy will make this vague statement with a woman in the very beginning to manage both his expectations and hers. RIGHT NOW, could just mean he's doesn't want her to make an assumption that she's the one. In other words, a lot of women will have that conversation and a guy will say "I want a relationship for myself" and automatically assume it's gonna be with her. Neither of them can say very early on that it will be with each other. So she needs to just get clear about what they each want in the long run and in general.

 

She needs to just ask him if he wants a relationship for himself at all. Pin it down. I don't think I would tell him what she wants first, because he could just tell her what she wants to hear and keep moving forward for sex. If he says straight up, I don't want a relationship for myself at all ever, then she should move on. They haven't been intimate, so he's not stringing her along, yet.

[hunnybun90]

He said he was dating but nothing serious and he wasn’t looking for that right now -- I missed this somehow.

 

My opinion changes a little. That statement is nebulous. The question is does he want a relationship at all for his future? Some times a guy will make this vague statement with a woman in the very beginning to manage both his expectations and hers. RIGHT NOW, could just mean he's doesn't want her to make an assumption that she's the one. In other words, a lot of women will have that conversation and a guy will say "I want a relationship for myself" and automatically assume it's gonna be with her. Neither of them can say very early on that it will be with each other. So she needs to just get clear about what they each want in the long run and in general.

 

She needs to just ask him if he wants a relationship for himself at all. Pin it down. I don't think I would tell him what she wants first, because he could just tell her what she wants to hear and keep moving forward for sex. If he says straight up, I don't want a relationship for myself at all ever, then she should move on. They haven't been intimate, so he's not stringing her along, yet.

 

Thank you. We have been friends for a long time. I wish I could explain everything but it's just way too much and I doubt people would want to read it. But long story short, he has always liked me for the past 5 years. We had on and off times mainly do to me because I didn't know what i wanted, I am younger than him. The first time I stopped talking to him, it really hurt him. He eventually moved on and dated someone else which that didn't work and ended last summer when we reconnected again.

 

At that time I didn't want anything serious, I was focused on my career and going back to school. We stopped talking again and i was really hurt. We reconnected recently and that's when he told me he had tried dating, hadn't met anyone he liked and he wasn't looking for anything serious. He said that after I told him I was just dating and getting ready to go back to school. Last year he knows school was my main reason for not wanting anything serious.

 

ETA: We have never had sex but have fooled around in the past.

 

I hope that helps for a little more background...

[jen1447]

Sorry...yes I like him more than a friend so yes he could be relationship material. I am not sure about how to proceed. Have I lost him? He still texts me all the time. I guess I am the one being hot/cold.

 

Ok so he likes you, you like him, you're both single, so ....what's the problem? Just bring it all up to him about the clingyness/neediness, straighten him out about initiating and any doubts he has and why you don't go fast, and go from there. This is nothing some communication couldn't solve one way or the other.

[Redhead14]

Thank you. We have been friends for a long time. I wish I could explain everything but it's just way too much and I doubt people would want to read it. But long story short, he has always liked me for the past 5 years. We had on and off times mainly do to me because I didn't know what i wanted, I am younger than him. The first time I stopped talking to him, it really hurt him. He eventually moved on and dated someone else which that didn't work and ended last summer when we reconnected again.

 

At that time I didn't want anything serious, I was focused on my career and going back to school. We stopped talking again and i was really hurt. We reconnected recently and that's when he told me he had tried dating, hadn't met anyone he liked and he wasn't looking for anything serious. He said that after I told him I was just dating and getting ready to go back to school. Last year he knows school was my main reason for not wanting anything serious.

 

I hope that helps for a little more background...

 

Ok, you want something serious now. You need to be clearer about your intentions. If he doesn't want anything serious, you two aren't on the same page plain and simple. You just need to find out exactly what's what. He likes you apparently and wants more with you, but just how much more is more to him. He just wants to date you casually and be intimate? You have to be on the same page or you will hurt each other again.

 

He said he doesn't want anything serious now, like you did last year. Why doesn't he want anything serious? This just may be a case of bad timing again. You guys are just coming in and out of each others lives and getting together in the spaces to fill a void at various times apparently.

[Gary S]

Both of you are giving mixed signals.... he says he's not looking for a relationship, you turn your head when he tries to kiss you.

 

It's possible one or both of you have the other in the friends' zone and you just have not accepted it yet. Sometimes you don't even understand your own feelings right away.

[hunnybun90]

So we talked and I was able to lead the convo down that road....here is what he said...he doesn't want to lead me on. He likes me as a good friend, but he doesn't want to lead me on to think he wants more. I was honest and admitted I still had feelings for him and I get it if he doesn't feel the same. He goes on to say he he is "really attracted to me and all" but he can't give me a relationship right now. I told him I am dating and hopefully it will distract me and make my feelings go away...he said then I will hate him. He goes on to say that he still wants to talk and hang out and stuff.

 

I think I will go immediate NC with him. I am not going to sit around and be his best female friend while I have the feelings I have. That is not fair to me and will only rip my heart up.

 

Is that the right thing to do? Should I just block him on everything now and try to get over him? is there any other remedy to this?

 

I just don't get this....why text me all day everyday? I am a girl and I know guys don't like texting all day so for what? Why tell me good morning every day, be sweet to me and kind?

Edited June 15, 2015 by hunnybun90

[Redhead14]

So we talked and I was able to lead the convo down that road....here is what he said...he doesn't want to lead me on. He likes me as a good friend, but he doesn't want to lead me on to think he wants more. I was honest and admitted I still had feelings for him and I get it if he doesn't feel the same. He goes on to say he he is "really attracted to me and all" but he can't give me a relationship right now. I told him I am dating and hopefully it will distract me and make my feelings go away...he said then I will hate him. He goes on to say that he still wants to talk and hang out and stuff.

 

I think I will go immediate NC with him. I am not going to sit around and be his best female friend while I have the feelings I have. That is not fair to me and will only rip my heart up.

 

Is that the right thing to do? Should I just block him on everything now and try to get over him? is there any other remedy to this?

 

I just don't get this....why text me all day everyday? I am a girl and I know guys don't like texting all day so for what? Why tell me good morning every day, be sweet to me and kind?

 

He's not doing anything wrong. He's been honest with you. He texts you everyday because he likes you, you guys are friends, that's all. He's just being nice. If you can't maintain an arm's length relationship with him, you need to tell him that and that it's in your best interest if you don't maintain contact from now on.

 

Don't be pissy with him. He's been honest. He at least deserves respect. It's not his "fault" that he doesn't want more with you and he's not trying to get into your pants.

[Gary S]

It would be easier and quicker to get over him if you cut contact. Date other guys too.... nothing can take your mind off an old flame like a new guy can!

[hunnybun90]

He's not doing anything wrong. He's been honest with you. He texts you everyday because he likes you, you guys are friends, that's all. He's just being nice. If you can't maintain an arm's length relationship with him, you need to tell him that and that it's in your best interest if you don't maintain contact from now on.

 

Don't be pissy with him. He's been honest. He at least deserves respect. It's not his "fault" that he doesn't want more with you and he's not trying to get into your pants.

 

I have no intentions on being pissy with him. I just want to know if NC is best for me because of my feelings and the lack of his..... There really is no nice way to go NC.

[hunnybun90]

It would be easier and quicker to get over him if you cut contact. Date other guys too.... nothing can take your mind off an old flame like a new guy can!

 

Is there a nice way to do it so he won't think I'm a bitch?

 

I just feel like I need to put my feelings first.

[hunnybun90]

I love hanging out and talking to him...I don't want to lose that but this isn't good for me in the long run right??

[Redhead14]

Is there a nice way to do it so he won't think I'm a bitch?

 

I just feel like I need to put my feelings first.

 

Yes, the only way to do it and not coming off a bitch is to tell him you're going to do that and why. Just doing it without letting him know, will come off as harsh. (If you two hadn't been "friends" for some time anyway, I'd say just go cold turkey).

 

If he had been disrespectful and/or you just met him, yeah, cut it off without telling him.

[hunnybun90]

Yes, the only way to do it and not coming off a bitch is to tell him you're going to do that and why. Just doing it without letting him know, will come off as harsh. (If you two hadn't been "friends" for some time anyway, I'd say just go cold turkey).

 

If he had been disrespectful and/or you just met him, yeah, cut it off without telling him.

 

Is NC the only choice I have in this situation?

[jen1447]

I don't know that I believe he's not interested, bc he was showing the traits of someone who's been spurned - which means he has a dog in the hunt.

 

Do you believe he's really not interested?

[Redhead14]

Is NC the only choice I have in this situation?

 

No, it's not the only choice. If you feel you can simply be friends and be arm's length, then do that and continue the friendship. I wouldn't recommend it though because you are more emotionally invested in him.