JiltedJane Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Is it totally unreasonable to want to hold off on sex until after the "exclusive/what is our relationship" talk? Since I put myself back on the dating scene, I've met several guys who want to "date" me but not be in a relationship with me. One guy even said even though he didn't want me as his gf, he still didn't want me seeing other guys. We are all in the 30+ age group btw. Even when it 4+ dates in I still don't feel comfortable unless this has been discussed. Its not that I don't enjoy it, but I have to protect myself. I haven't had much luck with relationships and my last serious bf abused me in every way possible. I don't want to explain this to new guys and make myself look like I'm trying to be a victim or a mental case. However, without knowing by full back story, these guys all act like I'm high strung or leading them on in some way. One guy said my rule was "stupid". So again, in my thirties, am I being too unreasonable wanted to hold off until I know we're monogamous and theres a potential future?
toscaroscura Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Is it totally unreasonable to want to hold off on sex until after the "exclusive/what is our relationship" talk? It's not unreasonable at all. You date whatever way makes you comfortable. Since I put myself back on the dating scene, I've met several guys who want to "date" me but not be in a relationship with me. One guy even said even though he didn't want me as his gf, he still didn't want me seeing other guys. I would laugh right in his face and dump his ass. But then again, I'm not very nice sometimes. We are all in the 30+ age group btw. It makes no difference! I have dated from 20s to 40s and the immaturity and asshattery is the same. It's individuals, not ages. (Just saying this in case you were under any illusion that your dating pool is going to be more mature and evolved!) Even when it 4+ dates in I still don't feel comfortable unless this has been discussed. Its not that I don't enjoy it, but I have to protect myself. I haven't had much luck with relationships and my last serious bf abused me in every way possible. I don't want to explain this to new guys and make myself look like I'm trying to be a victim or a mental case. However, without knowing by full back story, these guys all act like I'm high strung or leading them on in some way. One guy said my rule was "stupid". Telling you that you or what you believe is "stupid" is an immediate No Go. Don't date any man that will demean you like this! Don't let them make you think you are somehow "broken". Remember, these guys have an agenda, and building you up and making you feel good is NOT on their agenda. So again, in my thirties, am I being too unreasonable wanted to hold off until I know we're monogamous and theres a potential future? Like I said, not at all. Keep in mind that any such rule will make your "pool" smaller, but that's ok. Rather than doubting yourself when these guys show their glorious buttocks to you, just repeat to yourself that they were obviously the wrong guys for you. The right guy for you won't tell you you are stupid or pressure you into breaking your morals. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Is it totally unreasonable to want to hold off on sex until after the "exclusive/what is our relationship" talk? Since I put myself back on the dating scene, I've met several guys who want to "date" me but not be in a relationship with me. One guy even said even though he didn't want me as his gf, he still didn't want me seeing other guys. We are all in the 30+ age group btw. Even when it 4+ dates in I still don't feel comfortable unless this has been discussed. Its not that I don't enjoy it, but I have to protect myself. I haven't had much luck with relationships and my last serious bf abused me in every way possible. I don't want to explain this to new guys and make myself look like I'm trying to be a victim or a mental case. However, without knowing by full back story, these guys all act like I'm high strung or leading them on in some way. One guy said my rule was "stupid". So again, in my thirties, am I being too unreasonable wanted to hold off until I know we're monogamous and theres a potential future? Absolutely not! You know what you want out of your dating journey. That's the primary thing here and you've set terms for YOURSELF. That's important too. Stick with them. If you don't, you'll be struggling with confusing dating scenarios, and allowing yourself to be hurt. It is important to establish early on in a dating scenario what each person is looking for out of their dating experiences. If you're not on the same page to begin with, it's not gonna work PERIOD. In other words, you are dating for a relationship and they just want casual, there's a conflict anyway. That being said, if you date in stages, exclusivity is just the period after casually dating without intimacy. It is the period where you're going to or have been intimate and neither of you will be dating others so that you can focus on that one person. It is also the period before you declare whether you will be boyfriend and girlfriend. It is a period of deeper evaluation of relationship potential. Some people feel though that exclusivity is boyfriend and girlfriend. So that's another page you need to be sure you each are on. The fact is that there are no guarantees so dating in stages allows you to manage your emotions and expectations and knowing that at each stage you could find that they just aren't the right one for you. There are various approaches. What's important is that you set your goal and terms and stick to them and don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything and don't switch approaches to accommodate a situation with a man in hopes that he may change his mind, etc. People do this all the time and it creates confusion, mistrust, bitterness and resentment between men and women. If a guy says you're stupid for not sleeping with them without exclusivity, then they aren't you're kinda guy anyway. A guy who respects your need to hold off for a bit, is certainly a better prospect for a relationship, that's for sure. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Of course not. It is unreasonable for a relative stranger to think you owe him your body. 4
Lois_Griffin Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 However, without knowing by full back story, these guys all act like I'm high strung or leading them on in some way. One guy said my rule was "stupid". The sad and unfortunate reality is that some men never evolve. It's an unfortunate fact of life. We're living in an instant gratification society and some of them don't want to take the time anymore to nurture something and see where it goes. If they're not getting what they want right now, it's on to the next. You don't need self-entitled idiots like that in your life anyway. Stick to your values. 3
Keenly Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 A woman that waits for a relationship to get a little freaky deeky is hot.
Arieswoman Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 JiltedJane, So again, in my thirties, am I being too unreasonable wanted to hold off until I know we're monogamous and theres a potential future? Absolutely not. I was the same age as you are when I was divorced and dating again. I had to kiss an awful lot of frogs but that's just the way it goes. I stuck to my principles and was glad that I did. Sometime it was hard because I was sometimes lonely and not able to go to "do's" because I didn't have anyone to take. However, I saw all the angst that my dating friends went through when guys dumped them after sex and glad that I wasn't in their shoes. I had to wait a long time before I met the guy I am now married to, but it was well worth the wait. Don't ever compromise your standards and you'll get what you want in the end. Good luck. x
jen1447 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Is it totally unreasonable to want to hold off on sex until after the "exclusive/what is our relationship" talk? You make your own rules based on your sensibilites and life experience, so nothing is unreasonable. 1
Vintage79 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 It's not unreasonable - it's just going to make things harder for you. I don't have plans or expectations on the first few dates, but get to date 4/5/6/7, if she's a prude, it's a pass, and I'll stop seeing her. Conceptually, exclusivity prior to sex sounds nice, but in reality, a lot of people won't have the exclusivity talk for a few months (even though they frequently stop dating people a lot earlier), and if sex hasn't entered the picture for a few months, it will be tough (typically) to keep the other person around. Sex is important for creating a deeper connection, so if you want to maintain more superficial, shallow connections prior to becoming exclusive, more power to you, but just keep in mind that you're likely setting yourself up for more of a romantic challenge. Is it wrong to wait - absolutely not. Is it going to make your dating life substantially harder - absolutely. Basically, it's a balancing act, but always do what you're comfortable with and don't cave to pressure. 1
Gottabestrong Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 So again, in my thirties, am I being too unreasonable wanted to hold off until I know we're monogamous and theres a potential future? Absolutely not.
Gary S Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Waiting until monogamy is the right thing to do. Some even wait for marriage. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Waiting until monogamy is the right thing to do. Some even wait for marriage. If only to weed out the players, then it is worth it. They say nice guys finish last, but honestly, the reality is, those not so nice guys looking for fast sex make it so easy for us nice guys,,, they really do! 1
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