Penguin_hugs Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Hi there Me and my BF have been together around 20 months now. We met on POF and for the first 9 months he was only an hour away on the train so we used to see eachother every weekend, and occasionally for a day in the middle of the week- which was fine. Then he was writing up his thesis and moved away for work to around 2 and a half hours away. We agreed to see eachother for a whole weekend every fortnight (Friday pm to Sunday pm) as it was expensive and a long way to travel in comparison to what we had been doing. While he was writing up, I barely saw him. We saw each other 3 times in 3 months, and not at all for the last 6 weeks. He didn't have time to skype or call either and we only had a few messages a day. It was really tough- but I knew his work was important and I just coped. Things went back to normal for a few months after that. This year has been my final one at university amd since Christmas I have been so busy. I had my final project to do, which meant I couldn't see him for 5 weeks around March, we spent time together over Easter, and then 5 weeks apart again while I had exams/ revising. He seemed fine about it at the time- work is important to both of us, and I had been patient during his PhD when he had to cancel plans etc due to work. I had promised that we would see eachother more over the Summer. I saw him as soon as exams finished and we went away for a week which was lovely. We really needed quality time together. I had to go back to my hometown that weekend househunting though as I have a work placement there for a year before I can go live with him. And his friends did a big thing that weekend- but it was organised really last minute and I felt awful that I wasn't around to go too. One of his friend's once made a comment that she didn't believe I existed :/ I've just been offered this amazing travelling opportunity by my family, so I am going to America for 3 weeks this week, so again it's another 5 weeks apart (this weekend I had to move out of a houseshare). At first my BF was fine about it- amazed at my opportunity and really excited for me. He couldn't come along himself due to work and the fact it was so last minute. Now he's getting really quiet about it. I think he has realised that I'm really going for a few weeks and I won't be able to contact him so much while I am away. He keeps skyping and his eyes just look so sad when he is talking about my trip. He text me late last night saying how much he is missing me at the moment and I apologised for not being able to see him much at the moment and promised that I will be around more after my trip. I feel like a hypocrit though because I had promised that it would be better after exams- and this trip is really out of the blue. Is there anything I can do or say to make it better? He never said I shouldn't go or anything like that. He keeps talking about what an amazing opportunity I have and how much I'll enjoy it. But I just feel like he's secretly upset. He's not great at expressing his emotions though at times. Any thoughts would be appreciated
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Life happens. You can't give up all these amazing opportunities for a guy. You have to live life while you are young. Make a better effort to communicate via skype & calls. Send him post cards from your trip & bring him a nice souvenir. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 It takes two to tango. He couldn't skype or call once in 6 weeks while he was finishing his thesis? I find it hard to believe he didn't have 5 spare minutes somewhere in there to chat. Did he not speak to any friends or family during that period either? Everyone gets very busy, but people make time for the things they prioritize. You should not feel guilty at all for this opportunity. It sounds like you were more than understanding while he was so busy he couldn't talk for 6 weeks. Now it's his turn to exercise patience. He's a big boy. He'll be fine, especially given that you want to keep in touch. It appears that you will make a good effort to keep the connection strong. He can maybe learn a thing or two from you about maintaining a relationship even when times are busy. 1
justwhoiam Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I've just been offered this amazing travelling opportunity by my family, so I am going to America for 3 weeks this week, so again it's another 5 weeks apart (this weekend I had to move out of a houseshare) I assume it was their gift for your graduation. Don't you talk to your family? Don't they know you haven't seen your boyfriend in a long time and were looking forward to being with him more? I guess that some more communication with your family would have avoided this. And you could have had your trip at the right time, when it more suited you and embarking on it with a different spirit. Is there anything I can do or say to make it better? Yes. Arrange something special for the two of you.
Author Penguin_hugs Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 I assume it was their gift for your graduation. Don't you talk to your family? Don't they know you haven't seen your boyfriend in a long time and were looking forward to being with him more? I guess that some more communication with your family would have avoided this. And you could have had your trip at the right time, when it more suited you and embarking on it with a different spirit. Yes. Arrange something special for the two of you. In all fairness- it was more my decision to go now. My aunt and uncle offered to pay half my flight to visit them as a graduation present- and I have only met them a handful of times anyway. Yet all my family told me to go now while the idea was still in their heads- and I'm never going to have such a good opportunity to go as now. I don't start work til the end of July- so I would have just been doing nothing between now and then apart from weekends with with my BF. I was able to plan a really long travelling trip now without the constraints of booking time off work and got a really cheap last minute flight. I did invite my BF to come with me- but he couldn't get that amount of time off- particularly with short notice. Plus he's really shy with people he doesn't know very well. He's still uncomfortable around my mum as she's a loud personality. My BF fully supports me going now- I'm just feeling guilty about the time apart. I'll arrange something once I am back for definite. I have 3 weekends before I start work once I am back, although one is already taken up by my Graduation ball- and he said he didn't want to go months ago.
Author Penguin_hugs Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 It takes two to tango. He couldn't skype or call once in 6 weeks while he was finishing his thesis? I find it hard to believe he didn't have 5 spare minutes somewhere in there to chat. Did he not speak to any friends or family during that period either? Everyone gets very busy, but people make time for the things they prioritize. You should not feel guilty at all for this opportunity. It sounds like you were more than understanding while he was so busy he couldn't talk for 6 weeks. Now it's his turn to exercise patience. He's a big boy. He'll be fine, especially given that you want to keep in touch. It appears that you will make a good effort to keep the connection strong. He can maybe learn a thing or two from you about maintaining a relationship even when times are busy. Well he didn't actually have internet for the first 4 of those 6 weeks. He wasn't getting home til 8pm each night from work- then up writing til 1am. So I understood and didn't push it. He hates calling. His voice just goes and he can barely speak on the phone when he can't see someone. He's not close with his family- they live about 5 hours away and he only sees them in the holidays. Too much has happened for him to be close with them. They only speak about once a fortnight. And he had just moved to a new area and didn't really have many friends at that point. Thanks for your response- I am going to do my best
justwhoiam Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Penguin hugs, he's got issues with his own family, he barely has any friends, he doesn't feel like being with you for your graduation ball? I think that when a guy is in love, he will do things that might make him uncomfortable just to see you happy. That's what love is. I'm seeing lots of issues, and hardly see the pros. Good luck.
Author Penguin_hugs Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 JustwhoIam I feel like I have probably worded things wrong- because it really isn't as bad as you are making out! His sister has a mental condition which led to her attacking him a lot of times. He doesn't like to go home because it reminds him of his childhood- where he was attacked, permanently afraid and in an awful environment. His parents have not made any effort to visit him in 2 years. He does have friends of course- he had just moved to a brand new area where he did not know anyone at that point. His friends from the old area were also writing up and not contacting anyone. He has been to 2 Balls over the last few years when I invited him and could not afford the expense of another at the time when tickets were being sold. He also believes that it should be just a friends thing as we will all be leaving the university town and should make the most of it. I spoke to him about my trip again yesterday and he is sounding very excited for me. Just asked for a few postcards. Told me not to worry about him in the slightest and go have a great time
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