mossycup Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Hi All, What are the signs of a rebound relationship? My most beloved fiance left me suddenly six weeks ago. I was sure I wanted to marry him and I still feel that way, although of course after six weeks NC and the way he left, obviously I'm not clinging to that hope nor am I sure it is healthy. But obviously I did really love him and the grieving was really strong and still is. I've been spending time with a man who is just a friend, and I've been clear about that, and he has not expressed any interest in me. I did like him BEFORE I even met my fiance (we've known each other for years) although I never have thought he was marriage material. Hanging out as friends though, I've got to know him better and he is looking much better than he did in the past. I feel like this has all the characteristics of a rebound relationship in my head (I'm not planning to act on it and I don't think he is interested). But another part of me thinks, maybe he IS a good match for me, and I should just wait and just be friends and see what happens in time, maybe we will fall in love. Would love some opinions/advice, since I don't fully trust myself right now given being in the midst of a BU. thanks!
Dela Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 hello. i m sorry to hear about you fiance. in my experience, after we suffer a great loss, we tend to turn to other people in hope ti heal. it s not a very healthy behaviour most of the times. do you know why your fiance left? did u have some kind of closure?
Author mossycup Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 No closure, not at all really. We fell in love slowly and with great care to see each other as real people. We both have a strong spiritual practice. We have been casual friends for years through a close friend of mine who is also friends with him - a friend who always thought we should get together since we are alike. We both felt we had found "the one" (he was single for ten years, me for five, waiting for the right person - we'd both gone on dates here and there but nothing serious). We took it really slow (long distance but only an hour so we could easily see each other). On a daily basis we both expressed appreciation and respect for each other. Same values, same lifestyle. Friends and family said we were great, and that being together was making us better people. We both shared our fears (him about change, me about being objectified and not having my needs listened to). We both gave each other a lot of emotional respect, freedom, listening and love. The week before we were to sign on an apartment two months after engagement, we had some stress about some logistical issues. He was upset for a week, we didn't talk except I would check in to say I love you. We both in the past had a practice of being ok to have a few days to process stuff alone if we were stressed, and would always come back and talk at the end of it. Except this time he just dumped me. He said that he was never sure of me, that because he is spiritual he "loves everyone" and I could have "been anyone" although he admitted I was "a bit special". He said he wanted to be alone with God, love everyone spiritually, do his writing and have complete autonomy. He said both that I was not the person he wanted to marry, and also that I would be perfect if he DID want to get married, but he didn't. He said from day one he was only "rescuing" me, even though we talked in the relationship that he was not doing that, and I did not need that. Basically he just re-wrote our entire history, in a very calm, "loving" voice. I didn't argue, just told him I was here if he needed me, and let him go. NC on my end, him writing me three weeks later a super casual email congratulating me on a work project I posted online, and a couple of him liking my facebook posts here and there. I feel extremely f*cked up by this. He has never left home (at 35) and although he said he wanted to, I think he was maybe afraid? Also he is two or so years sober after 15 years of alchohol/drug usage, he's in AA, but maybe it was too soon. He has a wierd family history, not so many good models of marriage.And he's got all the stuff about being spiritual and wanted to be unattached or something - I don't really understand. I've come to the conclusion that he was able to talk a fairly good and convincing game and that he WANTED to be ready to commit, but ultimately, he had too many problems and couldn't even admit his problems - just decided to be "spiritual" instead. I am not taking it personally, but it's hard to know how to understand the relationship - was it really just pretend on his part, or is he re-writing it now to make himself feel better? Frankly I try not to think too much about it. I don't expect closure on this. I am honestly not sure how I will trust another man (I never trusted anyone as much as I trusted my ex, and I was never so betrayed) but time will heal all wounds, I am sure. Plus wha are the odds I would meet someone as complicated as this again? Everyone who saw us together was as shocked as I was by his leaving and how he left. So yeah, I'm extremely devastated and I don't expect to feel fully better for a long time. So I doubt I'd be able to even have a rebound relationship for a while. But I'm still being careful and not spend too much time with cute single guys, until I make a full recovery. But at six weeks I'm actually doing pretty well as I was very healthy myself in the relationship, never let it overtake my life, so I have a full and enjoyable life, I just miss him a lot and of course I do want to be married so I am sad that didn't happen. But I keep my spirits up and try to focus on friends, fun and work.
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