DexterLS Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Hey there, I have been hanging around the breakup section lately after my girlfriend of 6 years (First love) cheated and dumped me for someone else. It's been hard and well, I'm slowly getting back on my feet. This post is not about her. It's about a friend, or at least I thought so. I met her during my time at University. We took the same buses every day, not necessarily at the same time and we would always talk about stuff we were commonly interested in. She knew I was in a LTR with my girlfriend at that time and she personally knew her too. Anyway, that didn't stop her from developing feelings for me although I did nothing to show her I am interested in her. She knows her feelings towards me are not mutual and well she did not take this very well. She would call me and cry on the phone all the time. She would stalk me when I went to the supermarket (She lives quite nearby). She would write my name at the bus-top and she would send me long messages every now and then. She has not stopped asking me to go out with her since 3-4 years now. She also found out through a mutual friend that I am single. So, the frequency of her texts/calls have increased a lot and this is getting really annoying for me. I have tried to explain her calmly and diplomatically that I am NOT interested in being romantically involved with her. She will just be a friend to me. I don't like breaking people's hearts. I know how it feels to "love" someone and not having their love back. I am going through the exact same thing right now and I do "understand" how she must be feeling right now too. I am not sure if she loves or me is just obsessed with the idea of being with me but certainly, I can't have anything to do with her right now. What do I do?
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I have tried to explain her calmly and diplomatically that I am NOT interested in being romantically involved with her. She will just be a friend to me. Do the same thing again but this time a lot less diplomatically. Also she's not much of a friend to you apparently, if she's not taking your feelings into account, so perhaps you shouldn't even allow her your friendship because it's very clearly no helping her get the message. It may sound harsh but it's in everyone's best interest, IMO. 7
hotpotato Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 How to get rid of a stalker? Ignore them. Act like they arent there. I know this is easier said than done, but they want to get a rise out of you. 2
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Do the same thing again but this time a lot less diplomatically. Also she's not much of a friend to you apparently, if she's not taking your feelings into account, so perhaps you shouldn't even allow her your friendship because it's very clearly no helping her get the message. It may sound harsh but it's in everyone's best interest, IMO. This^^ Be direct and firm. Let her know she's going a bit too far with this. If she doesn't listen and continues, vanish from her life. If she still continues, get a restraining order. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You can't be gentle. You have to be firm. That isn't mean but it does leave no wiggle room. She had been interpreting your gentleness all this time for there being a chance. Take her somewhere like a coffee shop, preferably well lit & not romantic. Day time would be better than evening. Point blank tell her that she has to stop holding out hope for the two of you. You like her as a friend nothing more but if she doesn't stop asking you out, the friendship is off the table too. Also tell her is she can't handle being just friends with you because she wants more you will understand if she needs to put a lot of space in your relationship & go NC for a while. Then you stay away from her. Never initiate contact. Be polite but not engaging when you see her. 2
Author DexterLS Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Hi guys, Thanks for the responses. As a matter of fact, I never initiated contact and she contacted me after a week today crying on the phone because she can't get her app to work. I am a Software Eng. by profession and she came to me for help. It's a tricky situation in the sense that I don't want her to see this favour as something that she will get hopes from but I am willing to help her out as well. I guess I will just talk to her again to clear all these things asap. Thanks again.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You're partially engaging her, or else she wouldn't have your contact infos. Go full block & NC with her. 7
Mr Carson Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 It's hard for men to be tough on women sometimes, I did the same things your doing, only I kept falling in the honey trap. But when I got tough and called the cops at 1 a.m. and she was at my door in nothing but high heals, thigh highs and a trench coat she got the message. 4
autumnnight Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You can't be nice to a woman like this. Block every avenue of contact you can, do not answer, do not engage. You are not the only person on earth who can help with her computer problems. Every crumb - even a "talk" to get her to back off - will be seen as encouragement 5
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 ^^^ This ^^^. There are times when being Mr Nice Guy simply don't pay off. This, sadly, is one of those times. I'm all for being sympathetic, not wanting to hurt people, break their hearts and being gentle with the vulnerable - but you've done all that, and it hasn't worked. If anything, the attention has intensified. So now, sadly, it's time to pull the velvet gloves off and let her have it with both barrels (what a mix of metaphors!) Do not help her with her IT problems. Do not engage, do not talk to her do not encourage her ('encourage' means doing, or saying anything which she can cling to with fervent hope.) If you get on the bus with her, let her get on first, and let her find a seat to sit in. Then go to a different one, preferably next to an already occupied one... If you go first, sit in a seat next to someone so that she can't sit next to you, not even across the aisle. Otherwise, find a different way to get to work, even if you have to buy a bike. SHOW her what she's doing, is unacceptable, and you won't put up with it. 3
No Limit Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Restraining orders work quite well. Oh wait, the title says "gently"... Then blocking works best I guess. 2
Gloria25 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Hi guys, Thanks for the responses. As a matter of fact, I never initiated contact and she contacted me after a week today crying on the phone because she can't get her app to work. Problem is, you keep on responding when she calls. You already know she's using the "app" or whatever computer issue as a way to contact you. Again NO CONTACT. If she calls you, do not answer, do not return her calls/messages/texts. I am a Software Eng. by profession and she came to me for help. It's a tricky situation in the sense that I don't want her to see this favour as something that she will get hopes from but I am willing to help her out as well. I guess I will just talk to her again to clear all these things asap. Thanks again. No, there's no need for another "talk" Write her via certified/registered mail (or better yet - FedEx and pay for them to have only her sign for it. And tell her that you have been clear about not having romantic interest for her and she keeps on doing (list everything she does that you posted here and anything else you can think of that she does) and tell her that if she does not stop, you are going to have to get the authorities involved. 1
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You don't own a rabbit do you? Let's hope she hasn't seen fatal attraction either.. After you tell her to leave you alone, please do the following- * Have someone else start your car in the morning * Get a home alarm installed * Consider body armor for your trips out of the house * Change your name to John Smith * Go ahead and consider relocating to another town Joking... Hope it goes well and she takes the hint. 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 She's a great actress & vegan. Huh, you're only saying that cus you're in da movie..... 1
Haydn Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 `Sod off` Could be one way but i doubt it will work so scrub that. Ignore and ignore. Don`t engage. Stalking is never good for the victim or the stalker.
Author DexterLS Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Thanks guys for the amazing responses. I guess I will go strict NC with her too. At one point, she should get the message. Thanks again.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Updates, ok? We've invested a lot of time, effort and trouble to help you along with this dilemma, the least you can do is to keep us informed. Besides, we're a nosy bunch.... 2
Author DexterLS Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Updates, ok? We've invested a lot of time, effort and trouble to help you along with this dilemma, the least you can do is to keep us informed. Besides, we're a nosy bunch.... Definitely. It looks like I am sticking around on LS for a while due to my other "issues", so I will keep you guys updated. Thanks again 1
Gloria25 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 She's a great actress & vegan. **pfft** After those lamb chops I cooked yesterday (yummy ) vegans, vegetarians, whatever can deny themselves the pleasure of meat all day - that's just more meat for me!!!
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Huh, you're only saying that cus you're in da movie..... Come on you have to admit she was adorable in Clueless & Excess Baggage. I'm inspired how she's remained vegan for so long.
GoBlue Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 When someone doesn't listen to straight talk and continues to trample boundaries, tougher steps are necessary. Have you considered writing her a letter? This allows you to clearly and concisely share your feelings without being interrupted by the emotion of a conversation. The ending of the letter basically is for the purpose of letting her know that you have attempted to communicate clearly your feelings but she continues to pursue you when you do not want to be pursued. For this reason you are cutting off all contact. I am assuming you communicate by cell phone through calls and texting. It is very easy to block someone - as you well know. The end here is not to hurt her but to protect her from the hurt she is causing herself by putting hope somewhere where there is no hope. I know these situations are not easy, but you didn't create the situation. I had the same experience with one young lady while I was attending college. After the first letter I wrote explaining my position, she said she understood but continued on the same path. I finally followed through on my promise to break-off contact if she didn't change. There are times when there is no other option. Hope it works out well. Blessings. 1
spiderowl Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 (edited) I don't know how 'kind' you've been to her but if you think she could have misunderstood what you were saying, you need to make it very clear. You could say something like "I am not romantically interested in you and never will be. You are taking things too far and It's best we don't remain in contact." If she still persists in contacting you after this, then remind her of what you said. If she still persists, then tell her you will contact the police if she doesn't leave you alone. I am working on the basis that you may have been too vague and she has taken that as you not being sure. I don't think cutting off contact suddenly and without explanation will help because she is just going to panic and try to contact you through whatever means if she doesn't know why you've suddenly cut off. You need to explain first. Also, you will be sure in your own mind that you've made things absolutely clear if you do need to involved the legal system. Edited June 15, 2015 by spiderowl 3
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Hey there, I have been hanging around the breakup section lately after my girlfriend of 6 years (First love) cheated and dumped me for someone else. It's been hard and well, I'm slowly getting back on my feet. This post is not about her. It's about a friend, or at least I thought so. I met her during my time at University. We took the same buses every day, not necessarily at the same time and we would always talk about stuff we were commonly interested in. She knew I was in a LTR with my girlfriend at that time and she personally knew her too. Anyway, that didn't stop her from developing feelings for me although I did nothing to show her I am interested in her. She knows her feelings towards me are not mutual and well she did not take this very well. She would call me and cry on the phone all the time. She would stalk me when I went to the supermarket (She lives quite nearby). She would write my name at the bus-top and she would send me long messages every now and then. She has not stopped asking me to go out with her since 3-4 years now. She also found out through a mutual friend that I am single. So, the frequency of her texts/calls have increased a lot and this is getting really annoying for me. I have tried to explain her calmly and diplomatically that I am NOT interested in being romantically involved with her. She will just be a friend to me. I don't like breaking people's hearts. I know how it feels to "love" someone and not having their love back. I am going through the exact same thing right now and I do "understand" how she must be feeling right now too. I am not sure if she loves or me is just obsessed with the idea of being with me but certainly, I can't have anything to do with her right now. What do I do? Unwanted unrequited love. I googled that and this is what came up. An old article from the NY times. Pain of Unrequited Love Afflicts the Rejecter, Too - NYTimes.com Anyway, you need to set your boundaries with her and be strong about it. You can be kind while telling her but make it very clear to her that she is just a friend and ask her to please respect the fact that you don't like her the same way she likes you. That these are your rules to the friendship and if she can't handle it or wants more than you can offer her at this time, then it would be best to take a long break from one another.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Hi guys, Thanks for the responses. As a matter of fact, I never initiated contact and she contacted me after a week today crying on the phone because she can't get her app to work. I am a Software Eng. by profession and she came to me for help. It's a tricky situation in the sense that I don't want her to see this favour as something that she will get hopes from but I am willing to help her out as well. I guess I will just talk to her again to clear all these things asap. Thanks again. She needs to understand that you aren't the only person in her life, she has other friends and family she can turn to during confusing/rough times in her life. She has developed a habit to rely on you for just about anything and everything and that's not healthy nor is it fair to you. She is taking the friendship too far and crossing lines/boundaries. A friend can only do so much and she's expecting way too much from you! Eventually all this will get old and you're gonna lose your temper if she doesn't learn to back off and let you have space.
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