Being "competent" at dating???

[Gary S]

You could use a wingwoman Toodles.

 

- That's true.... even I have a wing-woman... she's the best on the planet

 

Toodles, I thought you were doing pretty well... just realize most won't go very far won't go beyond a first date... I mean, if they went far, you'd be in a relationship, right? It's the endless search for a needle in a haystack. The good news is, you only need one.

[gaius]

It's really just a subconscious dance for the most part I think. Learning how to act and react to the opposite sex appropriately. I remember going into my first relationship and not really having a clue. Actually only ended up getting her because I was treating her like I didn't want her, and then I totally lost her after I started doing all the things I thought you were supposed to do with women. But that they really don't like. =/

 

You just have to observe what works and what doesn't, then adjust your behavior accordingly.

[empresario]

Interestingly enough, I recently had a meta-cognitive discussion with myself on different types of 'charisma'.

 

 

For the sake of anecdote, let's give my business partners names. Joe and Bart.

 

 

All of us were in a commercial, once. Bart and I got all of the screen time, while the Joe was ignored.

 

 

Thing is, in what I do I'm filmed somewhat often. The above scenario happens a lot. People filming ignore Joe when filming. Is he ugly? No. Is he shy? No. In fact, if there was a competition on who would control a room between us all, Joe would win. He is in better shape than us all, and he has an impeccable sense of fashion and award winning posture.

 

 

I realized there is some hidden, delimiting factor that separates some people from others. Joe will never have the same film charisma that Bart and I have. I will never have the sales charisma Bart has. Joe has the most 'owning a room' charisma. Etc.

 

 

Can you improve that? Sure. I used to be a severe introvert and rather shy. I have since overcome. Even in my most shy days I still knew I could be in front of a camera someday. Will I ever be able to work a room like Joe or get people to instantly trust me like Bart? No. They are naturals. My hard work lets me compete, but it's not in my DNA to surpass them.

 

 

I can't put my finger on why some people have charisma under certain stressors and others don't...but it is a real thing. I think dating is another one of those mediums. Some people just plain out have to try harder than others.

[neowulf]

I am pretty sure that there are people who are far better at this dating lark than I am.

 

I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum.

 

I just don't think I am "competent" at dating. I am a great person but in truth when it comes to flirting with someone I actually fancy and want to spend time with I suck like a Dyson. When it comes to "playing" this dance of asking out and what to say and how to say it etc... I am nothing short of useless.

 

I can walk into a room full of people and be quite at home, introduce myself and get on with the evening, I can figure out what they would be like in general but to actually flirt and/ or try to get things moving... even just knowing if they would be interested in me flirting with them... useless. Absolutely useless.

 

So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent?

 

That's so unreal. On here, you've always come across as this slightly saucy, mature experienced woman

 

I think the key to flirtation is to really embrace how much of a game it all is. It's suppose to be fun, frivolous and even a bit silly.

 

Honestly though, it's a bit of a dying art. I find very few women open to flirting these days.. many are too scared of it being taken the wrong way, feelings getting hurt, etc.

 

That said, maybe it wouldn't hurt doing a little research on the signals that women traditionally give when interested.

 

Each time a women's been keen on me, she's looked me dead in the eyes and given me a shy, warm smile. Usually a pretty strong indicator she's keen.

 

Also, touch is a huge thing. Simply touching a man will key him in very quickly. A touch on the arm, a playful squeeze around the shoulder. Making excuses to be in physical proximity. Again, strong signals.

[alphamale]

Practice makes perfect toodles.

[carhill]

Indeed, and practice often, irrespective of 'thinking' about who it's with. Don't worry about relationship status. It's just practice and, anyway, you're not dead. I recall doing this when consulting for a customer who set up lighting and sound. I'd focus in on a lady on-site and just, well, make love to her in my thoughts. I was amazed at how many women I stopped in their tracks. Sure, they were married but it was just practice. Being a blue collar guy I'm not around women much so opportunities like that were like mining flirting gold.

[GemmaUK]

I just use banter (much like your office banter Toodaloo).

It's flirting but less forward. Plus in a situation where I know little of him it's more natural to banter for me as I do that with just about everyone I meet.

I only seriously flirt with a man when he is my man.

 

I also don't dress sexily for first meets/dates from online either.

I will look nice but I'll be in jeans, cute trainers or little boots, a vest top and a pretty crochet jumper or something similar.

I don't know the guy at that point so he doesn't deserve my 'sexy' look.

 

Something else I always do is strike out someone when all you can get out of them is questions and answers. I never reel questions off on a date as I think one of the first parts of chemistry is for 'conversation' to flow. If conversation doesn't just flow then we're not compatible.

 

No one I have been on a date with has gone on to go poof and they always ask for a second date.

[Toodaloo]

IDK, you seem quite the catch to me. Witty, charming, self-sufficient....I don't think this will sit well with you because I realize you are frustrated..but I would say stay you and let them come to you as you are. I really don't see anything wrong and you are so intriguing.

Maybe you are too self-conscience about it??

 

I have never thought that I should be different to attract a person. I mean, I don't go into town after mucking a stall without changing first. Then if I was mucking a stall and the guy was there then, whatevs.

I'm a waiter, as in, I will wait till something freezes over before I want someone who doesn't want me for who I am, horse sh*t and all.

 

Sorry, not much help except to say that I think the lasting one's are the one's that happen organically.

 

Best of luck Toodaloo. You have doubts but I still have all my money on you.

 

Tim - that is a really great compliment. Thank you!

 

I wouldn't bet more than 50p though just to be on the safe side!!!

 

Your comments remind me of when I was at college. We had our annual ball and no one wanted to do the yard so my friend and I offered. We tucked our gowns into our knickers and within an hour we had managed a quick skip out and feed of over 50 horses. Off we both trotted to the ball... You guessed it... I forgot to untuck my ball gown (and had hay in my hair!). Was a really great night that one!

 

I shall sit this one out I think and just chill out a bit. It all seems to come and go in waves so who knows. I just don't feel very good at this stuff. I need to go back into "sod it" mode I think.