Toodaloo Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I am pretty sure that there are people who are far better at this dating lark than I am. I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum. I just don't think I am "competent" at dating. I am a great person but in truth when it comes to flirting with someone I actually fancy and want to spend time with I suck like a Dyson. When it comes to "playing" this dance of asking out and what to say and how to say it etc... I am nothing short of useless. I can walk into a room full of people and be quite at home, introduce myself and get on with the evening, I can figure out what they would be like in general but to actually flirt and/ or try to get things moving... even just knowing if they would be interested in me flirting with them... useless. Absolutely useless. So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent?
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 (edited) I am pretty sure that there are people who are far better at this dating lark than I am. I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum. I just don't think I am "competent" at dating. I am a great person but in truth when it comes to flirting with someone I actually fancy and want to spend time with I suck like a Dyson. When it comes to "playing" this dance of asking out and what to say and how to say it etc... I am nothing short of useless. I can walk into a room full of people and be quite at home, introduce myself and get on with the evening, I can figure out what they would be like in general but to actually flirt and/ or try to get things moving... even just knowing if they would be interested in me flirting with them... useless. Absolutely useless. So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent? Hey Toodaloo...don't know how competent it is...but here is what I always did, which netted pretty good results. I never overtly flirted.... if I flirted at all, it was very subtle, probably not even that noticeable. But what they *did* notice was that, if a man approached me for example, at a party or club or wherever really, I always appeared very interested in him. I would focus on him, listening, responding by asking him questions, good eye contact, SMILING, maybe moving closer to him (no touching yet), very engaging making him feel like he was the only man in the room. Of course I only behaved that way with men I WAS interested in, so my behavior was genuine and real. Just my opinion but when a woman (or man) flirts too strongly and overtly, it can seem contrived and NOT genuine, and so it has the opposite effect and result. It's trying too hard, and that can be a turn off. Also, be an interesting person...learn about things so when you do have the opportunity to talk to a guy, you are an interesting and fun person to talk to! Men always told me that...how fun and interesting it was just talking to me! In short, just be authentic, genuine and real. Don't try too hard. Focus on him and be a great listener..as well as a good talker. If you are attracted, move a bit closer, and pay attention to his body movements. Mirror. People mirror each other instinctively when they're attracted to each other...so be aware of that. Oh and be playful too! Smile, chuckle at his jokes or if he says something funny...did I say be a good listener and ask him questions relating to things he just told you? :) Anyhoo, that my $.02 for whatever it's worth. G'luck! Edited June 15, 2015 by katiegrl 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Some ppl see dating as a job; they have set rules and follow them to the letter regardless of how they or whoever they're dating actually feel. Takes the fun out of it, IMO. IME, those who are really good at dating either don't care much who they're dating or they have the X factor and are not afraid to rock it. Whatever you do, be yourself and do or say what feels right for you at the time. That should be plenty enough .
Haydn Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I am pretty sure that there are people who are far better at this dating lark than I am. I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum. I just don't think I am "competent" at dating. I am a great person but in truth when it comes to flirting with someone I actually fancy and want to spend time with I suck like a Dyson. When it comes to "playing" this dance of asking out and what to say and how to say it etc... I am nothing short of useless. I can walk into a room full of people and be quite at home, introduce myself and get on with the evening, I can figure out what they would be like in general but to actually flirt and/ or try to get things moving... even just knowing if they would be interested in me flirting with them... useless. Absolutely useless. So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent? Dunno about online dating. But when a girl flirts a bit, it can be really good. And plus it`s makes me relax and we can laugh. Then chatting about almost everything seems to flow. Toodle`s with that sense of humour you possess they`d be eating out of your hand.... Sadly some blokes are ..... and you seem to be meeting them. That will change i am certain. I hate people who are aloof because they think they are being mysterious. They are not mysterious they are boring.... You are not!
dangerbang Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I think it's a numbers game Toodaloo. I have been on 4 dates in the last month. It wasn't until the 4th one that I actually clicked and got somewhere with the girl. I don't even know if I'll see her again but with some people there's just a natural bond and chemistry. Just keep at it, if you can be bothered, I know it's hard work messaging people and meeting up and all that jazz. I tried it for a bit but I'm taking a break now for a couple of months probably to focus on myself for a bit and doing things I like doing without a partner. So if you want to meet someone you just have to keep putting yourself out there, and never put anyone on a pedestal. 2
DivorcedDad123 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Kg nailed it pretty well. Only thing I'd add is that most of the time, we need to be hit over the head to realize you're flirting with us, so being subtle doesnt work sometimes. Show interest. If he walks to another area, follow him and keep the conversation going. Of course, dressing sexy never hurts. And, eye contact. Lots of eye contact! Physical touch, like brushing his arm with your hand while laughing at a joke is a good one too. And the normal leaning in while talking or playing with your hair. Those are the signs we've been told to look for.
jen1447 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Can you give us a couple specific case examples that didn't go well Toodles? That way could micro-analyze your specific 'moves.'
carhill Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent? You self-describe as a sociable and confident person in social situations. If that is supported by opinion from people who know you, then IMO continue to focus on clarifying that you're single and available (this is like breathing to most women and they don't actually have to say the words to make it glaringly clear) and the men whom are authentically interested and compatible in temperament will do the rest. If you do not historically approach men overtly with sexual or romantic interest, refrain. It's not your style. Go with your strengths and interactions will happen when and as they do. Yes, sometimes finding the one in a sea of nothing is difficult; however, once found, the sea becomes irrelevant. We have choices in how we view that process. It can be enormously frustrating; it can be an exciting adventure; it can be work; it can be play. We choose. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 It's a loaded question as everybody is looking for something different when it comes to dating. It's like asking how do I have a great career? Everybody is looking for something different. Some are looking for money, some are looking for something they enjoy, etc. That said, it should never be difficult to talk to someone you are interested in, because if you are interested in them, one of the major reasons should be because they are easy to talk to, and you have a rapport. Circular, but it makes sense. In other words, I agree with DangerBang.
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Dating should be more than anything, FUN.. If it's not, re-examine your mind set. I see on this site all the time where people say that are not having luck meeting someone while also saying they avg a date a month.. Really? Duh.. You have to throw a WIDE net out there and exposure yourself to as many potential candidates as possible. When I was last single, I OLD. I was on two sites. I tried to have at least 3 quality, pre-screened dates a week. Why? Cause dating is like making sales calls. The more people you're in front of, the better chance you'll find the sale or person you click with.
Author Toodaloo Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Well the last date was at a bikers cafe. It was great, we laughed joked etc. He said he was going away which is fine. Thing is absolutely nothing, at all, he hasn't even said when he will be back... So I must be missing something here. There was the date with the car guy. That went really well. Not so much laughing etc but conversation didn't stop then it just went flop. I am not being in your face enthusiastic but I am being my usual blunt self and making it absolutely clear if I want to see them again... Was texting and chatting to another guy who seemed fantastic. Really liked him. Then flop... I have had a go at trying to resurrect things but I don't want to carry on as I will look desperate! It seems to be the way its going. The a holes are just a holes n'owt any of us can do about that. But the nice ones... I want to get to know them better and I just don't seem to be getting it right at all... Bit perplexed and scratching my head.
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 it's OLD, people have their own lives and sometimes it just doesn't click. I think you should have your clear criteria in what it is that you're looking for and not be too concerned about the follow up. If you two are having a good time, he'll come back. Nothing is certain for the first month, if you do OLD. If you don't like it, don't play. I mean it. It's tough out there and you need to know what to expect. And most importantly, make sure you're the one who's doing the picking, not the other way around. if they don't stick around long enough to know if you like them or not, you haven't lost anything. And 4 dates with 4 different guys is nothing. Men get rejected constantly. Just toughen up and get on with it. Next. I don't mean to transform it in a sort of a trade, but as you've admitted, you lack the dating experience... well.. how about you get yourself some ? Date, meet people, see what you like, what you don't like and take your time to decide before becoming exclusive. It may sound like dating around aimlessly, but what it is that you're doing is exploring yourself. Likes and dislikes. What's important and what's not. Sure, some nice people will turn out to be a disappointment, some others will be surprising... just have no expectations to be in a RS anytime soon. be patient and take it easy, it's a really really long process, if you want to do it right. When you meet the right person, it'll click and both you and him will know it. So don't sell yourself short and go for it. cheers
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 (edited) Kg nailed it pretty well. Only thing I'd add is that most of the time, we need to be hit over the head to realize you're flirting with us, so being subtle doesnt work sometimes. Show interest. ***If he walks to another area, follow him and keep the conversation going.*** ** Of course, dressing sexy never hurts. And, eye contact. Lots of eye contact! Physical touch, like brushing his arm with your hand while laughing at a joke is a good one too. And the normal leaning in while talking or playing with your hair. Those are the signs we've been told to look for. Re quotes in asterisk above -- really? Follow him around (like a puppy)...talking to him? Have to disagree with that one! Better idea? Let him leave to mingle, but follow him with your eyes. Hopefully, he is following you with his eyes, and every once in awhile, let your eyes lock and then give a little smile....then look away. That's damn sexy! Re dressing sexy....whenever I had a date with one man, I would make an extra effort to dress feminine and yes sexy...sexier than I normally would. This told him I made a special effort *for him,* for my date *with him.* IMO, when a woman dresses overtly sexy when she goes out to a club or a big party, she is dressing sexy to elicit the attention of *a lot* of men, and most men know that....and my male friends have told me they view her differently from a woman who does not dress so overtly sexy when out in public. They have told me they see her as a woman to have sex with, but not much more than that. Even when a woman posts overtly sexy or sexual photos on her OLD dating profile, they will view her that way...as a woman to have sex with, not to have a relationship with. But when out on a date with one particular guy who you like? Yes, dressing sexy tells him you think HE is special, you wanted to make a special effort for him. That in turn makes HIM feel special, thus drawing HIM to you. Which is hopefully what you want, right? Not the attention of every Tom, Dick, and Harry you encounter...while out and about. I realize there are different opinions on this...this is just mine...based in what my male friends (and brothers) have shared with me, and what I personally have witnessed and experienced. Edited June 15, 2015 by katiegrl
DivorcedDad123 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Follow him around (like a puppy)...talking to him? Have to disagree with that one! No,not like a puppy. But, if he has to walk away for some reason, make an effort to find him again,otherwise he may not understand that you're interested. If you make the effort to show him you're interested,there won't be any doubt. Yes, he can mingle,but if she doesn't bother speaking to him again, then that doesn't do any good, does it? And, I didn't say overtly sexy. She can dress sexy by showing a little cleavage or a tighter top or dress than usual. She said she's having trouble flirting, so she may need to step things up a bit.
Busco08 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I am pretty sure that there are people who are far better at this dating lark than I am. I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum. I just don't think I am "competent" at dating. I am a great person but in truth when it comes to flirting with someone I actually fancy and want to spend time with I suck like a Dyson. When it comes to "playing" this dance of asking out and what to say and how to say it etc... I am nothing short of useless. I can walk into a room full of people and be quite at home, introduce myself and get on with the evening, I can figure out what they would be like in general but to actually flirt and/ or try to get things moving... even just knowing if they would be interested in me flirting with them... useless. Absolutely useless. So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent? I think on a date it's important to remain the same person you are, if you don't flirt by nature, don't flirt! It will come off as awkward! The best thing to do on a date is act who YOU are, not how you want that person to perceive you just in hope they want a second date. You sound like a great women who many people want to be with. But people can't see that if you act different on the first date. And if they don't want a second date, then you're clearly not comparable. Keep being yourself and don't try too hard and one day you'll make someone the happiest man alive :-) 1
Author Toodaloo Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Perhaps I should just carry on as I am then. I am not overly bothered but it does seem to be... I don't even know the word I am looking for...? I dunno. I guess I just want to try and improve my chances as when I look at it none of these men know me at all...
candie13 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Perhaps I should just carry on as I am then. I am not overly bothered but it does seem to be... I don't even know the word I am looking for...? I dunno. I guess I just want to try and improve my chances as when I look at it none of these men know me at all... you can only do what you can do, in the end, it is a number's game. All these being said, there are a few things that DO work: - pictures of yourself that not only show your face, but your body, where you are wearing flattering clothes, having a great time and doing something you love (hobbies) - dressing up in a more flirty way for the date, using make up, etc - being relaxed, asking questions and letting the guy speak, without being too "buddy" like. - being somewhat mysterious and not telling them everything about yourself
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Follow him around (like a puppy)...talking to him? Have to disagree with that one! No,not like a puppy. But, if he has to walk away for some reason, make an effort to find him again,otherwise he may not understand that you're interested. If you make the effort to show him you're interested,there won't be any doubt. Yes, he can mingle,but if she doesn't bother speaking to him again, then that doesn't do any good, does it? And, I didn't say overtly sexy. She can dress sexy by showing a little cleavage or a tighter top or dress than usual. She said she's having trouble flirting, so she may need to step things up a bit. Fair enough. But ideally.... he is having so much fun talking to ya, he won't want to leave, and if he does (like he has to use the restroom} he will tell you that and ask you not to go anywhere till he returns...then ask you if you want to leave together! When a man is intrigued, he won't want to let you out of his sight...lest another guy swoop in... If you show interest, focus on him, make him feel like he is the only man in the room, he should have no doubt about your interest. My experience.....
fitnessfan365 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Obviously I can't give you a female POV on how to flirt/date better. But here is what works for me. I see all the initial interaction - emails, texts, and phone call as the "meet". Instead of treating her like a stranger I have to be on my best behavior with, I set rapport and tension as if I cold approached her. Now assuming she is receptive and really likes my personality, it will carry over. I act the same way in person. So that's why I see it as a first date. If you go into it as being on a "meet" with your guard up and treat it like an asexual interview, there won't be any initial chemistry IMO.
Timshel Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I am pretty sure that there are people who are far better at this dating lark than I am. I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum. I just don't think I am "competent" at dating. I am a great person but in truth when it comes to flirting with someone I actually fancy and want to spend time with I suck like a Dyson. When it comes to "playing" this dance of asking out and what to say and how to say it etc... I am nothing short of useless. I can walk into a room full of people and be quite at home, introduce myself and get on with the evening, I can figure out what they would be like in general but to actually flirt and/ or try to get things moving... even just knowing if they would be interested in me flirting with them... useless. Absolutely useless. So guys. Any tips on how to become more competent? IDK, you seem quite the catch to me. Witty, charming, self-sufficient....I don't think this will sit well with you because I realize you are frustrated..but I would say stay you and let them come to you as you are. I really don't see anything wrong and you are so intriguing. Maybe you are too self-conscience about it?? I have never thought that I should be different to attract a person. I mean, I don't go into town after mucking a stall without changing first. Then if I was mucking a stall and the guy was there then, whatevs. I'm a waiter, as in, I will wait till something freezes over before I want someone who doesn't want me for who I am, horse sh*t and all. Sorry, not much help except to say that I think the lasting one's are the one's that happen organically. Best of luck Toodaloo. You have doubts but I still have all my money on you. 3
jen1447 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 ^ I think that was actually the best help so far. Toodles, if your personality IRL is anything like it is on here, I'd be all over you. (Granted, your boobs would draw me in first. ) 3
compulsivedancer Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 There used to be a tv show where you would go out on a blind date and they would record you and evaluate you. I always thought that would be interesting, although I think I need it more for interviews than dating. I'm usually pretty good at attracting the type of guy I want to date. If I was interested in branching out, I might need some help.
misspond Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Thing is, if you want someone to fall for you/like you/be entranced by you for being you then you can only be you. Too many, "you's", in that sentence. Maybe just amp it up a bit? Flirting with a capital F is a tricky business to muster when you can't quite do it and you've had some good advice so far. 1
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 (edited) I know women who are not at all pretty, who are selfish etc who get men left right and centre (I am sure guys feel the same in reverse). Good men, good looking, kind etc... They chew them up and spit them out like bubble gum. Oh goodness I see it everywhere. Women we could qualify as crazies with baby drama, money drama, family drama, can't hold a job, drinking coke all day long but they always have a man in their life. The thing is, would we want those men in our lives? Edited June 15, 2015 by Gaeta 3
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