Mutual Friends Ex-factor

[imbax]

For those who don't know me this is the long detailed post of my break up story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524950-3-years-7-months-all-gone

 

TL,DR: Ex-girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me out of the blue 2 months ago for not feeling happy, feeling leashed and wanting to return to the person she was before the relationship. No other man or partner was involved. Only some distance + new work environment + some fights + incompatibility issues in her eyes. I gave her my everything and was the nicest boyfriend a girl can have, I was there for her through her rough and good times whenever and wherever she needed me. We ended on good terms. She claims she still loves me and cares for me etc but obviously not. Since the break up we have been in NC only to have it broken by me at 1 and 6 weeks in. At 6 weeks post break up, she told me she had 70% moved on and is enjoying her single life more and more every day, and she does not regret her decision one single bit and has been telling people only good things about me (or so she says). After a bit more talking she got angry and left when we started talking about the break up. Now, I am back to NC.

 

My real issues now stem from mutual friends.

 

I have been upset and crying on most days over her. I woke up today and I was going strong until....I receive a text message from a friend.

 

This is what happened: this friend of mine got close after we both had break ups through our long term girlfriends leaving us. He also lives around 1 hour drive away in the country from the city. I go to visit him at his place to talk sometimes. Recently I have been hanging out more and more with this friend because we have gotten close from our traumatic events.

 

The thing is, my ex-girlfriend also used to be acquaintances/distant friends with this same friend through me. I don't know if it is true or not, but I presume friends unknowingly feed her information (social media and talk) and she picks up on events through our Facebook group (even though I have blocked her).

 

This is because mutual friends have made events on a Facebook group we both used to be on between work mates and I have been attending them to make me forget about her (I know she doesn't attend them as I am closer to these mutual friends prior to the break up), she has picked up on this and I think she has started to become competitive over our mutual friends.

 

(I know this for a fact because last time I broke NC when we met up, she told me how she "had XXX and YYY" on her side and I had "ZZZ and NNN" on my side) <--- which shows that she wants mutual friends on her side after the break up.

 

So moving back to the topic of this friend who lives 1 hour away from the city in the countryside farm. He tells me that my ex-girlfriend had been recently texting him and asking him (out of the blue) if he was coping okay with his breakup with his own long term girlfriend. My friend also told me that she asked if she could visit him to check out the farm in the countryside that he recently purchased as all our other mutual friends including me had been going to visit for the past few months.

 

He asks me if it was okay with me for her to visit him on his new farm because he put "bros before hoes" and doesn't want to make things awkward for me before he gave her an answer. I said it was fine because she's not my girlfriend anymore and it is not my farm, it is HIS farm in the countryside.

 

Now I see a few problems with this that make me really upset:

 

1. Why is my ex-girlfriend trying to invade my closer mutual friends, the only people I have left in my life that I can hang with.

 

2. Why did my ex-girlfriend make excuses that "long-distance" driving was not her thing when I asked her to come visit me in the country during our relationship, yet she is offering to visit a mutual friend on a farm who she isn't even that close to?

 

3. How do I shut my ex-girlfriend out of my life for good as she has hurt me really deep as she is a "people pleaser" who she makes everyone seem like she is a nice and caring person, but is only skin deep. However in a relationship with me (and her "best friend", she didn't put me first nor gave her "best friend" much attention nor care about how I felt. Is it a good idea just to cut everyone who has ties with her out from my life including all our mutual friends all together so that I can completely wipe the slate clean and start afresh?

 

Someone please help me. How do I get her out of my life and face for good? Do I tell my friends to stop telling me about what she is doing, I know sometimes they don't even realise they are hurting me by mentioning random stuff to me? Or do I just take it and try not to dwell on things for too long, I don't want it to seem like she is having an effect on me with her actions?

 

Last time I broke NC 2 weeks ago, she has told me she has been on a few dates already but they didn't feel the same as with me as if trying to get my approval or something. She told me she is feeling great about breaking up with me as she feels free and can do things that she wants without worrying about me. I felt as if nothing had changed other than the fact that we weren't "officially in a relationship" anymore, therefore she wasn't obligated to hold my hand or kiss me (which she never initiated or really wanted to do with me anyways). That was the only difference between us.

 

Am I a "bad person" for reacting with upset and hurt to something that is technically within her autonomous rights as a person to do?

 

Overall, I feel really sad. I feel so angry. I feel betrayed. I never want to have another relationship ever again, I can't trust girls anymore. My ex-girlfriend really ripped me up for good and she is still wreaking havoc through my life when I want her gone. She has many many many friends from different groups (the same friends she broke up with me for her to have more time to hang with) yet this is not enough for her and she insists on mingling with my friends/mutual friends. I am seriously at ends wits here. Someone please give me some support

Edited June 15, 2015 by imbax

[DexterLS]

Find new friends.

 

I blocked all my mutual friends on Facebook who are also friends with my ex. They were setting me back a lot. I only have 2-3 mutual friends right now but they do not give me a single info about her.

 

At one point, I even asked one of them to go and talk to her. She flatly refused to do it. She doesn't even stalk her for me on Facebook because it would set me back. You need friends like that.

 

I know it's tricky to stop being friends with them but at least, limit your contact to them and find new people you can be friends with. Go to the gym, meet other people.

 

You only have to think about yourself right now. Sure, friends are great to have on your side but it's you who are going through this ordeal. You will need to get out of this by yourself.

 

Good luck, buddy! Trust me, I know how hard this is but you gotta do what you gotta do.

[imbax]

Find new friends.

 

I blocked all my mutual friends on Facebook who are also friends with my ex. They were setting me back a lot. I only have 2-3 mutual friends right now but they do not give me a single info about her.

 

At one point, I even asked one of them to go and talk to her. She flatly refused to do it. She doesn't even stalk her for me on Facebook because it would set me back. You need friends like that.

 

I know it's tricky to stop being friends with them but at least, limit your contact to them and find new people you can be friends with. Go to the gym, meet other people.

 

You only have to think about yourself right now. Sure, friends are great to have on your side but it's you who are going through this ordeal. You will need to get out of this by yourself.

 

Good luck, buddy! Trust me, I know how hard this is but you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

Ok thank you. I am going to start ignoring, and if they bring the topic up again I will ask them to not tell me anything about her. If they still bring it up, I will be forced to withdraw my presence with them and find some new friends to hang out with.

[imbax]

Does anyone else have any suggestions as to what I should do ?

[hunk]

Yes, this is what you need to do. Forget that she is alive. Forget she exists. Forget she ever existed and that you ever met her. Get over it. Realize she is completely and utterly replaceable and she is one girl in a sea of literally billions. Every moment you spend thinking about this person you are wasting your time, energy, emotion and ultimately your life. Block her, ask your friends not to talk about her to you, and if they do they're not your friends and they don't care about you, so drop them and find people who give a damn. Do things you enjoy, do things that make you happy. Stop analyzing this complete garbage that means absolutely nothing. Go outside. Spend time with your family. Get off this website. Create goals for yourself that will give your life purpose and you will stop thinking about this s h i t. Do you want this dumb girl back? Disappear and forget her. She will never come back to you while you are behaving the way you are and while you have the current mindset you do. Please just realize the things you are posting about here are utterly meaningless. She is immature and literally enjoying this entire ordeal. She gets off on knowing you are so hung up on her, she wants to hear from your friends that you are miserable and pining over her. Not because she wants you back but because this is validation for her. That is all you are to her at the current time, a form of validation.

 

You desperately need to let go

[imbax]

Yes, this is what you need to do. Forget that she is alive. Forget she exists. Forget she ever existed and that you ever met her. Get over it. Realize she is completely and utterly replaceable and she is one girl in a sea of literally billions. Every moment you spend thinking about this person you are wasting your time, energy, emotion and ultimately your life. Block her, ask your friends not to talk about her to you, and if they do they're not your friends and they don't care about you, so drop them and find people who give a damn. Do things you enjoy, do things that make you happy. Stop analyzing this complete garbage that means absolutely nothing. Go outside. Spend time with your family. Get off this website. Create goals for yourself that will give your life purpose and you will stop thinking about this s h i t. Do you want this dumb girl back? Disappear and forget her. She will never come back to you while you are behaving the way you are and while you have the current mindset you do. Please just realize the things you are posting about here are utterly meaningless. She is immature and literally enjoying this entire ordeal. She gets off on knowing you are so hung up on her, she wants to hear from your friends that you are miserable and pining over her. Not because she wants you back but because this is validation for her. That is all you are to her at the current time, a form of validation.

 

You desperately need to let go

 

Thanks Hunk. You are right. Why do I even get upset at these things. Honestly, I don't want to hear about her or from her as it will only make things harder for myself. Plus I don't want her to come back, I just want to move on and forget about her.

 

I don't know if the part where you said "she gets off by knowing that I am so hung up on her". Is this what girls do? I don't know... but I know for a fact that she is sort of jealous that I am getting all of the attention from mutual friends that she never hung out with, so all of a sudden she wants to hang out with them.