A year of NC and telling myself I don't care...but I do...?

[OK_computer]

i told myself for a year that I don't care, that she doesn't exist to me, and it worked. Everytime I see, which is almost everyday, I tell my self it doesnt matter, that she didn't matter, that IT didn't matter.

 

Well today, and for the last week, i've been having nervous breakdowns, nightmares, flashbacks, and the arguments beating on my brain. I can't concetrate, and I cant seem to forgive my self for my faults.

 

I feel like I lost the most precious person in the world, and now it's all rushing back. My life is caving in for the 3rd time, and it's hitting me like a wall of bricks. I found out that she's getting engaged. I feel all the progress I made was in vain, a waste. I feel like a waste of life. I feel like my life is over for the 2nd time.

[irresolute]

Ok computer, it'll be alright. I think it's just very unfortunate you'll have to see her everyday plus you know the latest that's happening in her life. That's not no contact.

If you're not in a better position by now it's because all this indirect contact you've been having. I wish you could find a way to physically remove yourself from that environment.

You'll be fine, though. It's a setback, but I bet it's less painful than the previous ones or even from the tremendous pain you felt one year ago when she broke up with you.

 

You'll be fine. And she is just some girl, nothing special , you see, honestly.

[aloneinaz]

Sorry you're in this pain and spot.

 

 

After a year post break up, you should be WWAAYY down the road to recovery if not totally over it. Most people feel almost back to normal after 2-3 months and then start dating again.

 

 

How you done any of this? Are you seeing a therapist and asking why you're stuck and not getting over it?

[headsashed]

The news that she is engaged has brought emotions back up, just let it ride my friend.

A year is only a year and everyone is different when it comes to recovery, some are faster than others so dont let that bring you down. It took me well over a year to get over my ex and believe me, just keep the NC going and happiness and indifference wont be far behind.

[JewelD]

i told myself for a year that I don't care, that she doesn't exist to me, and it worked. Everytime I see, which is almost everyday, I tell my self it doesnt matter, that she didn't matter, that IT didn't matter.

 

Well today, and for the last week, i've been having nervous breakdowns, nightmares, flashbacks, and the arguments beating on my brain. I can't concetrate, and I cant seem to forgive my self for my faults.

 

I feel like I lost the most precious person in the world, and now it's all rushing back. My life is caving in for the 3rd time, and it's hitting me like a wall of bricks. I found out that she's getting engaged. I feel all the progress I made was in vain, a waste. I feel like a waste of life. I feel like my life is over for the 2nd time.

 

Maybe you haven't fully worked through your grieving process? You shouldn't obsess over thoughts of this person, but it's natural to think about it sometimes. I find that it's better to let yourself feel the pain than to fight it. Eventually you'll become numb to the pain and it won't matter. But if you try to fight it and tell yourself you don't care and that it's not a big deal, you're just delaying your own feelings.

 

You're also probably feeling this way because she's getting engaged. Of course it's going to bring more pain, no matter how long it's been. and a year does not mean you should be entirely over it. It took my friend over a year to finally stop crying everyday after her ex left her. Everybody's different.

[dyna85]

okcomputer, a year is not very long to be honest. i'm realizing this in time. i thought within 6 months, i'd be way more over my guy than i am, but so much for that prediction, because i'm crashing & burning like you. feeling like where did this time go and why do i feel like i'm standing still and/or going backwards, but never forwards and free from this madness?

 

don't hold yourself to some fixed standard. you're not a computer and don't operate like machinery. no one knows the exact time frame for your individual healing. it just takes time. i know that's the most annoying cliche in the world, and it bothers me so much right now to even think about the idea of 'time', but it's true. you will get through this if you keep going. every day, just do whatever you can to contend with this devastation you are experiencing. just muddle through, day after day. put one foot in front of the other. don't let your emotions get the better of you. your emotions are what they are for a reason.

 

your life is not over and you are just grieving. be kind to yourself and if you can, distance yourself from this person so you don't have to have that memory in your face day after day. i could never do that. if it's a job or something, i would have to switch jobs. there is just no way i could see the person every day and work through the emotions. i'd need time & distance. however, there are people who get over it eventually even being in close proximity to the person, so it's not impossible.

 

i wish you well.

 

i think we set these internal goals for ourselves like 'i will be over it by x amount of days/weeks/months' and then freak out when we don't meet the goal. i don't think our emotions can be controlled like that. can someone explain that i'm wrong? i'd really like to be able to control my emotions/healing timeframe, but haven't figured out that trick....

[OK_computer]

okcomputer, a year is not very long to be honest. i'm realizing this in time. i thought within 6 months, i'd be way more over my guy than i am, but so much for that prediction, because i'm crashing & burning like you. feeling like where did this time go and why do i feel like i'm standing still and/or going backwards, but never forwards and free from this madness?

 

don't hold yourself to some fixed standard. you're not a computer and don't operate like machinery. no one knows the exact time frame for your individual healing. it just takes time. i know that's the most annoying cliche in the world, and it bothers me so much right now to even think about the idea of 'time', but it's true. you will get through this if you keep going. every day, just do whatever you can to contend with this devastation you are experiencing. just muddle through, day after day. put one foot in front of the other. don't let your emotions get the better of you. your emotions are what they are for a reason.

 

your life is not over and you are just grieving. be kind to yourself and if you can, distance yourself from this person so you don't have to have that memory in your face day after day. i could never do that. if it's a job or something, i would have to switch jobs. there is just no way i could see the person every day and work through the emotions. i'd need time & distance. however, there are people who get over it eventually even being in close proximity to the person, so it's not impossible.

 

i wish you well.

 

i think we set these internal goals for ourselves like 'i will be over it by x amount of days/weeks/months' and then freak out when we don't meet the goal. i don't think our emotions can be controlled like that. can someone explain that i'm wrong? i'd really like to be able to control my emotions/healing timeframe, but haven't figured out that trick....

 

 

it's the constant reminder that eats me up, that along with regret dyna. I don't see her some days, but then I see her car. I dont see her another day, and then I see her best friend. Then I see her some days, her emotional and yet pointless stares from afar. I do my best to look away, or just keep myself so busy, partially as a farce but also because I am. It's the passing eye contacts that eat me alive, that bring me back to square one. My reflexes are to make eye contact with anyone that passes by, and sometimes (almost 1x a day for the last year+). I know what she expects, but after a 4 year OAOA, I'm not going to give it to her. I pretend i don't care, but deep inside it has been the most traumatic experience in my life.

 

 

Imagine what it's like, having once planned to marry have kids with girl, all those day dreams we had, and NOW having to face this person on a daily basis whether in person, or through symbols of her existence. To anyone else she's just another person no one looks twice at.

 

 

To me she reminds me of my faults, what i did wrong to her, my regret, but also resentment. regret at my behavoir and resentment for hers, not a nice combo. And DAILY you're stuck in this jail that you cannot escape. I've come so far, but not i'm trembling with life, again, a year after the fact, after thinking it was over. how terrifying for me, but now I know there's not chance in hell, NOT IN THIS LIFE

 

 

That should be a sign for the ultimate release and detachment, but for me the absoluteness of that-not in this life-makes me want to die (emotionally), maybe because deep down, I always thought in some stupid dream that it will one day happen.

[Itspointless]

i don't think our emotions can be controlled like that. can someone explain that i'm wrong? i'd really like to be able to control my emotions/healing timeframe, but haven't figured out that trick....

You can't control emotions in that way. We can work on being mindful and coming to a place of acceptance, but that takes time. There seems to be a pill though that can take away fear. I thought it was a joke , but saw it recently on a documentary on local television. To be honest, I doubt if that takes away the underlying problem of us learning to live with certain things: forgetting is just not the same but can help people who are severely traumatized, for example by rape as the person in that documentary.

it's the constant reminder that eats me up, that along with regret dyna.

I can't help you with the reminder except advising you to seriously consider moving. Perhaps you company has other divisions.

 

As for the regret, try to see that what you did was what you were capable of at that time. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. Your history is who you could be at that time. We constantly have the opportunity to improve ourselves. We need to make certain mistakes of judgement to become who we are today. In the way you write it seems you need to develop some sense of compassion for yourself. Be proud of yourself, learn and see the energy you invest.

[lauri]

You need to convince yourself that your ex is no unicorn. She's just like every other woman out there to you and you will find someone better. That's what you need to start thinking.

 

Seriously, who cares she's getting married? Be glad it's not with you. You may think that this is harsh but why would you want to even consider being with someone who put you through so much pain? There is always, ALWAYS the opportunity for you to find someone new. You can and you will. Your ex will no longer matter anymore once you do.