jelly9 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 (edited) Not really sure where to start actually. My bf and best friend of almost 6.5 years says one day that he has decided to join the military. Considering the idea hadn't come up in years, I was totally take back.. I cried when he told me. Once we talked he said "maybe the depression will stop now." Over the next two days he was very nervous and depressed. My first instinct was that he was scared about making this big life decision since he had previously said he was afraid to die. He then continued to tell me that the thought of marriage made him uncomfortable (his father cheated when he was younger) and he cant give me what I want. That I deserve better. I'm a big fantasizer so I think my previous talks about "when we get married i want to elope" "look we should live there" scared him into thinking the future is NOW. I tried to tell him that marriage isn't my end goal..that being in a happy relationship is. At times he seemed fine once I'd say this and then others he just seemed a wreck. Then after those two days of lots of crying and talking on both of our parts, he takes me home one night and I just knew. He said he couldn't handle a relationship and he couldn't give me what I wanted. I tried to ask what was going on and he just said i don't know why im doing this i just need to do this and I need to be alone. I've always thought I'd be alone. I said so that's it I've lost my best friend? and he said I've just lost my life. And he continued to say "I had it all, I had it all." I didn't know how to respond so I left. We have always had a seemingly happy/ very rational relationship. I am not an aggressive person, so if something bothers me, i simply say it, never with anger. He on the other hand had difficulty but ultimately I could tell when I did something wrong and tried to talk about it with him. Anyways. 4 days later he texts me saying he thinks he's a pathological liar and that theres things he lied about and that I'm the complete package, that I deserve someone who wont lie to me.He plans to see a therapist. I simply responded saying I hope he finds what he's looking for and I wish him the best. I couldn't bring myself to question anything because I didn't want to seem pathetic. I unfollowed him on all social media and delete some pictures of him because in that instant I felt so devastated and embarrassed. Continued no contact with him. I talked with his brother who is one of my best friends and he said that my ex just seemed completely detached from his emotions and he hadn't talked about it. The brother gathered all my things together because my ex hadn't done yet. So its officially over two weeks since the breakup. I've gone through so many emotions.. is he suffering from depression and wants to be in his black hole? has he lied about loving me all these years? was there someone else? Before the original military talk, everything was normal. Looking back I'd say maybe we were in a bit of a rut- im trying to figure out what career path to take- he is out of school, waiting for his masters program to start in fall. Up until the day he dumped me he continued to be nice/ buy me things/ text me daily etc etc He texted me last night saying he thinks he exaggerated calling himself a pathological liar. that he has a hard time saying what hes feeling. that he thinks he simply grew out of the relationship- not because he didn't want to be with me or that he wasnt happy in our relationship but that he didnt want to be with anyone. he said he thinks he developed these feelings from holding stuff in and not expressing his feelings. he said he seriously loved and still does love me. that unfortunately all this could have been avoided if he shared his feelings. he said again he was going to talk to a therapist but that the guilt of what hes done to me will be around for the rest of his life. all of this still left me very confused... he out grew the relationship, okay. I admit we needed this,we were very codependent and i now know I need to focus on improving myself. but in my head- why can't we develop a new relationship? why can't we love each other/ work through this all while focusing on improving ourselves. I'm a very open person and really try to work with whats in front of me. I responded asking if he would be willing to text me for a bit no pressure. -with the thought that id finally ask questions like what sorts of things were you not sharing? etc. but then i realized he's on vacation and figured id keep things light and later when the time was right talk about the serious stuff. We talked last night just about his trip- he responded to everything i said except the last text (which i assumed he fell asleep) then i texted him in the morning saying i hope he has a nice day with family. he responded for a bit and then stopped. This obviously left me feeling horrible when he stopped responding. I wanted to keep things light to try to show him I was fine. but now i just don't even know if responding at all was right. he still has in a relationship and "girlfriend" on his bio on twitter.. I know it's probably because he doesn't want to hurt me more but i still keep looking.. I keep battling myself on every little thing. I want him to know how i feel but i know it will appear desperate. I want to talk to him more even just casually because i miss him so much. sometimes i know what the right thing is to do but then i battle myself all over again. In this time I have turned to my God and I really try to remember that it's all in his plan.. but my anxiety just comes over me and i have a complete melt down. any words of advice? Edited June 15, 2015 by jelly9 title change
Author jelly9 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 Update: I ended up messaging him again and again we talked for just a bit. I asked if he minded my texting. And he said no. Yet he does not respond to me like he used to. I have so many emotions right now. One second I think about what he said in his previous big message "I grew out of the relationship" ...what? No, you refused to communicate with me when something was wrong... I don't feel he GREW out of the relationship, I feel he gave up on the relationship and stopped tryingall while still showing me love and affection and tricking me to think otherwise. I want to just tell him so bad but I also don't want to be that person who has a tantrum because he won't be with me. I keep trying to remember that if he wanted me in his life, he would have me in his life. At times I think there is another girl and other people say not to put it past him because look at how shocking the entire situation is to begin with.. I'm still so unsure of everything and I go through constant mood swings one moment angry the next I'm a complete wreck and just can't stop crying. My friends want to hang out and stuff but I'm honestly not completely ready for that. I find it easier to be around people who don't know anything about my situation. Any words of advice for staying strong? Personal stories of something similar??
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