nzguy1982 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Hi All I need advise. Quick brief background: So my partner of 2 years broke up with me and went back to her ex straight away. I really loved the girl and gave her my heart and everything I had. The way I really found out she together with her ex was seeing them post pictures of each other straight away, which really hurts. I have been NC for 5 days. I am thinking about breaking NC and calling her. I never got the chance to yell at her or tell her how much this hurts me or what she has done. I want her to know all this and to make her feel bad for hurting me like this and want to tell her she messed up a good thing with me. Do you guys think this is a good idea? I feel like I have a lot I want to vent out to her.
Plaster Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 You've done 5 days mate, that's brilliant! Keep it up. You can do this. Speaking with her won't make anything better. She has to initiate contact, not you. Be strong bud. 2
Author nzguy1982 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Argh its so hard... before I read your message I was about to send her an email to ask if we can speak. I keep looking at the email and thinking if I should send it or not. I'm feeling really weak at the moment. Is it a stronger message that I don't contact her, or giving her this one last blast might free me? I don't know I'm so confused. Thank you for you reply Plaster. Edited June 14, 2015 by nzguy1982 1
JewelD Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I've done this before. It's a little satisfying to hurt your ex and it definitely feels good to let them know they're a jerk (because more often than not, they don't see it as a big deal). However, it's not going to make them apologize or change. If she's with someone else, it'll probably just annoy her. In this situation, ignoring her would probably make her wonder why you don't care and why you're not lashing out. However, if you're completely done with this person, sending a text or email expressing your feelings isn't the end of the world. Write it out on paper first, make sure you sound dignified and that you let her know you're moving on. And then once you send it, you have to be done. If you do it more than once, it loses its effect.
imtrying211 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I had the same thing happen to me, so I know how you are feeling, but do not contact her. I learned the hard way why NC is an absolute must, especially when your emotions are all over the place. Believe me, even if you think it will make you feel better right now, it won't. You'll end up feeling worse afterwards, and it will set you back in your healing. It'll hurt more when you don't get the type of response you want. Then you'll think of more you want to say, and will want to contact her again. You'll keep replaying what you said, what she said, until you pretty much drive yourself insane. It took me a few weeks before I was able to stick to NC, it's so damn hard in the beginning. You're doing great so far so don't take that step backwards. What has helped me a lot is writing in a journal whenever I have the urge to contact my ex. Let it all out, everything you want to say. Then go back when you've calmed down, and re-read it. Sometimes I'm like OMG I would have looked like a complete lunatic had I sent that to him lol. 1
JewelD Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Another note, a lot of people say NC in order to move on and not make yourself look desperate to your ex, but if they're truly an ex you want to move on from, what they think about you is irrelevant. I once had a breakup with a guy and called his phone constantly, posted his number on a fanpage with over 300k followers and he STILL came crawling back a year later saying I was the best person he'd ever been with. Was it immature of me? yes, but if you're a good person and your ex has a brain, they'll know you're pissed and nothing you do or say is going to be the end all be all unless you want it to be.
Author nzguy1982 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Thanks JewelD, Thing is I'm not truly over her. I don't know if I want her back right away, but I know I'm hurting without her and I miss her deeply. I know she won't aplogize as you say and nothing I say will change her mind about her ex (who cheated multiple times on her and was controlling). And yes hearing from me will probably piss her off and annoy her. Thing is I thought I was a good judge of character and thought he cared and had feelings for me and well wouldn't go and treat me the way she has. Its like I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and she wouldn't care. So did she ever love me?
Author nzguy1982 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Thanks imtrying211, I was weak and I sent the email asking if I could speak to her. She hasn't replied which means she has blocked me or is ignoring me. Either way it hurts and I feel like and idiot. I've never been one to share my emotions with people I don't tell friends or family how things really are with me, so they don't worry about me.. I guess thats why I'm here because it seems easier talking to people who know what I'm going through and can give me advise. I live on my own now(was living with her) and so my days are a bit of a struggle. I basically go to work and go home and crawl into bed because I don't feel like doing anything else. I get what you are saying about writing a journal. I've never done that before, may look into it. And you are right whatever I do end up saying to her. I know I will be replaying it over in my head and wish I said this and that. I need a time machine to fast forward this hole I'm in.
JewelD Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Thanks JewelD, Thing is I'm not truly over her. I don't know if I want her back right away, but I know I'm hurting without her and I miss her deeply. I know she won't aplogize as you say and nothing I say will change her mind about her ex (who cheated multiple times on her and was controlling). And yes hearing from me will probably piss her off and annoy her. Thing is I thought I was a good judge of character and thought he cared and had feelings for me and well wouldn't go and treat me the way she has. Its like I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and she wouldn't care. So did she ever love me? If you got hurt or died, trust me, she'd care. She might even show up to your funeral crying and throwing herself on the casket screaming that she'd made a huge mistake. (I've spent some time fantasizing about my ex's change of heart if I was dying or killed). However, everybody loves everybody once they're dead. Still doesn't change the way they treated them when they were alive. I'm sure she did love you and care for you, but sometimes people fall out of love or they just don't give us the same love we've been giving them. sometimes they don't know how, or sometimes they just don't want to. I dated someone for 2 years, dumped them for another person. I thought I loved the other person more, and we stayed together for about a year and had lots of fun and it was great but my ex was always in the back of my mind and I was never truly happy because I still loved him and hadn't dealt with those feelings. But I didn't tell my ex any of this of course until I was ready to be back with him. So he, like you, probably thought I didn't love him anymore. But I dumped the other person and went back to my ex. I never stopped loving him, but he wasn't giving me what I needed in the relationship. I'm not sure why your ex went back to her ex, but I highly highly doubt it's going to last. Jumping from one relationship to the next is unhealthy, especially if you don't have time to process and grieve the relationship that has ended. It's probably not going to go anywhere and once the ex screws up, she'll probably be back. It's not your fault. There isn't always a way to know people are going to hurt you. They can seem to be the best person ever and then throw you under the bus one day. That's why it's important to make sure whoever you date is someone you're willing to take a risk on, because anyone can break your heart. 2
Author nzguy1982 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Wow that was a really nice message JewelD.. thanks. Since I began dating her.. her ex has been constantly trying to win her back and I guess he finally succeed. I don't know if I was the person to make her go back to her ex or if he is the person that will make her want to come back to me. I know when you go into a relationship with someone its always a risk that person will break your heart. Before I went know contact she told me she has deleted and block me from everything except email at the time. So she doesn't get the urge to contact me.. why would she do that? and it looks like she has blocked my emails too now.
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 OP- I really think what would help you is understanding that relationship is over. You haven't seemed to accept that fact yet. She's off with her ex. People leave others all the time and go back to their ex. It's so common. Also, understand that every time you contact her, you're only pushing her away further. You believing that her hearing from you will somehow make her miss you or want you back is 180 from the truth. You're only making yourself look weak, needy and desperate. Those are not traits that attract people, what so ever. The ONLY way you'd get her attention again (if you really wanted it) would be to vanish from her life. She hears NOTHING from you again. She will respect that you've accepted her decision and will regain some respect for you. I've NEVER heard of a dumper contacting the person they dumped if the dumped continued to contact them, begging, pleading, wanting to talk, etc..
imtrying211 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Thanks imtrying211, I was weak and I sent the email asking if I could speak to her. She hasn't replied which means she has blocked me or is ignoring me. Either way it hurts and I feel like and idiot. I've never been one to share my emotions with people I don't tell friends or family how things really are with me, so they don't worry about me.. I guess thats why I'm here because it seems easier talking to people who know what I'm going through and can give me advise. I live on my own now(was living with her) and so my days are a bit of a struggle. I basically go to work and go home and crawl into bed because I don't feel like doing anything else. I get what you are saying about writing a journal. I've never done that before, may look into it. And you are right whatever I do end up saying to her. I know I will be replaying it over in my head and wish I said this and that. I need a time machine to fast forward this hole I'm in. Don't worry about feeling like an idiot! Most of us have made stupid mistakes after a breakup, myself included. Just don't do it again . This forum is a great way to vent your frustrations, pour your heart out, and get sound advice, so keep posting whenever you're feeling down. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my struggles either, so coming here and writing in my journal have helped a lot. Sometimes when I'm feeling low I'll go back in my journal to see how far I've come. It's been a little over 2 months since my breakup, and though I'm doing so much better than I thought I could, I still have my moments. But I know there's nothing I can say to my ex that will change the situation, change the way I feel, or make things go back to the way they were. I see my ex at work, and every time I see him all I can think is "you went back to HER." There's so much I want to say to him, but there's really no point. I've given up hope that he will come back, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting him to come back. All I can do is tell myself that I have no control over his decision, so whatever happens, happens. Just keep moving forward and take it one day at a time. Don't try to rush through the process, but don't sit and dwell either. I've done both, and neither one helped me heal.
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