fireflywy Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 If she was afraid of destroying the relationship early on, that tells you she has been through this before. Please don't break up with her and inflict this woman on some other poor unsuspecting guy, what did he ever do to you?? Lol, but seriously why don't the two of you make an appointment with a sex therapist? Thiis a great point too. Do this first and then break up if need be. My recommendation, go to Barnes and Noble and buy some Cosmopolitan "Truth or Dare" cards. They make things, interesting.
Author just_some_guy Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 She may very well be a "good person"...but it seems like she's a bit on the selfish side. What kind of woman (who's ENGAGED to the man she supposedly loves and is ATTRACTED to) likes it when he goes down on her - but she refuses to go down on him?! Sorry, but she seems more of a taker than a giver in the sexual aspect of your relationship. Did she tell you why she never wants to give you a bj? Does she realize that a LOT of guys *love* having that done to them - especially by the woman they care about? If she doesn't realize that, perhaps you should tell her and see what her reaction is. . Here we go with the TMI, but this is supposed to be a grown up board... She said she doesn't like cum in her mouth. I also tend to make a lot of pre-cum while aroused, so she said it grosses her out. Also, there's some emotional baggage about it from her prior marriage. I "get accommodated", maybe every couple of weeks at this point, missionary position, not a lot of participation.
Popsicle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Just don't get married. Why did you get engaged in the first place? A lot of people who have 2+ failed marriages just throw in the towel on marriage and become serial monogamists. In other words, they have relationships, some long term, but never tie the knot. Why don't you do that? You have a built in believable excuse (marriage doesn't work for you).
HereNorThere Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I don't think it's fair to assume something is wrong with her because she doesn't have a high libido. Honestly, Im a sexual person, easily aroused, etc. and I don't like to have sex everyday. To me, it gets too boring and automatic. I like excitement, spontaneity, etc. Having too much sex or being being pressured into sex too often is actually a major turn off for me. Eventually what will happen in your relationship is referred to as the distancer-pursuer dance (Google it.) The more you hint and pursue sex from her, the more she will distance herself from you. The more she distances, the harder you will pursue (the fear of abandonment) and eventually she'll avoid all intimate contact with you because she'll feel pressured into more duty sex. Whether you can accept it or not, your high libido is actually a turn off to her. I can relate because it's actually a huge turn off for me. If sex is that important to you and it's not to her, it's just not going to work. Sorry, but it just ends up in a ton resentment on both sides. You will end up feeling rejected and she will end up feeling smothered and disgusted.
Popsicle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I don't think it's fair to assume something is wrong with her because she doesn't have a high libido. Honestly, Im a sexual person, easily aroused, etc. and I don't like to have sex everyday. To me, it gets too boring and automatic. I like excitement, spontaneity, etc. Having too much sex or being being pressured into sex too often is actually a major turn off for me. Eventually what will happen in your relationship is referred to as the distancer-pursuer dance (Google it.) The more you hint and pursue sex from her, the more she will distance herself from you. The more she distances, the harder you will pursue (the fear of abandonment) and eventually she'll avoid all intimate contact with you because she'll feel pressured into more duty sex. Whether you can accept it or not, your high libido is actually a turn off to her. I can relate because it's actually a huge turn off for me. If sex is that important to you and it's not to her, it's just not going to work. Sorry, but it just ends up in a ton resentment on both sides. You will end up feeling rejected and she will end up feeling smothered and disgusted. Yes, but the really twisted thing about this is that "Distancers" would never be with any other type except a "Pursuer" and "Pursuers" would never be with any other type except a "Distancer".
yxalitis Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Well, I disagree with everyone. I'm suggesting therapy. My marriage suffered through this for years. #1 cause of low libido, depression. Treat that, talk to her, not about sex, about her. IF you love her, IF you want a life wiht her, is it worth spending some time to at least try and understand why she is in this mind set. Too many posters here bash out the "Dump her" reply like it's hard coded into their keyboard...sheesh!
Author just_some_guy Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 At this point, I'm not playing the pursuer thing at all. I ask, if she's not in the mood, I move on with whatever other thing I was doing. We don't live together, so we don't have the pressure of me wanting it daily or so. When we do spend the night together, the frequency of intimacy has dropped to the point where it happens about 2-6 weeks. It just isn't enough for me. I feel like I'm being tested with the "will you still love me if I don't have sex with you" thing. That and she is really repressed about sexuality, says she's never had a sexual fantasy. I've known asexual people - she's not. But I think somewhere inside, she associates that with "good" and sex with "bad".
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