just_some_guy Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I've been in a long running engagement. I'm an older guy, married twice before. Decided to give things a long run before a permanent commitment this time. When we decided to get engage, we were intimate on a regular and frequent basis. She did say early on that she had less of a drive than I did and was concerned about it. Only recently though, she's made it clear what her real expectations are - once every couple of months or longer. When we do have sex, it is pleasurable. She is capable of orgasm. She also revealed that in the early part of the relationship, she was afraid that not "accommodating me" would risk our relationship. I have to admit, I'm not sure how to process that either. I'm having some trouble with this level of infrequency. I'm more of a couple of times a week guy. I could do it every day. It isn't just the gratification part, it is the feeling intimately connected in the relationship. It isn't that I feel, "entitled". She is adamant about fidelity, which I happily agree with. But if there's an expectation of strict fidelity, there seems to need some acknowledgement of my needs. I don't think I can live with a sentence of "dealing with it myself" and honestly, the idea of being "accommodated" once in a while is leaving me feeling empty and lonely. Despite a lot of other positives in this relationship, the prospect of not feeling wanted and lack of physical intimacy and I'm wondering if it is time to let go and end it.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Her ideal sex frequency is once every few months? BRUTAL. But the real issue here is her dishonesty. If she had been honest about just how low her sex drive was from the very beginning, that's one thing. Then it's just who she is, and you have to accept it if you want to be with her. But, she purposely mislead you and waited until after you were engaged. With that said, I'd be questioning if you can actually trust her or not. 5
DivorcedDad123 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Would you buy a car that you're only allowed to drive once every two months? 3
Author just_some_guy Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Would you buy a car that you're only allowed to drive once every two months? Maybe if it were a Ferrari Enzo. Hard to get excited by the idea of a Prius that I can't drive but am obligated to never drive anything else. 1
MonorailCat Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 If the Libido mismatch is that extreme there are pretty much only two longterm options in my opinion: 1) Breakup or 2) open relationship
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Maybe if it were a Ferrari Enzo. Hard to get excited by the idea of a Prius that I can't drive but am obligated to never drive anything else. Ouch.... So she's no Ferrari Enzo, and you find it hard to get excited by the Prius.... Not comparable vehicles in any sense. I wonder how she'd feel if she were to know you don't see her as a sleek rearing thoroughbred, but more of your bog-standard pit-pony...? 3
central Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 You're incompatible. Break up now. If you continue, you will be in a sexless relationship. (The clinical definition is having sex 10 times or less in a year.) She would get to control your sex life, and you would have no recourse other than porn, cheating (which would be a deal breaker for her), or divorce. Why not avoid all negative outcomes and simply find someone who is more compatible. You took your time in dating to avoid exactly this scenario, so now that you've found a deal breaker, break up! 4
Redhead14 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I've been in a long running engagement. I'm an older guy, married twice before. Decided to give things a long run before a permanent commitment this time. When we decided to get engage, we were intimate on a regular and frequent basis. She did say early on that she had less of a drive than I did and was concerned about it. Only recently though, she's made it clear what her real expectations are - once every couple of months or longer. When we do have sex, it is pleasurable. She is capable of orgasm. She also revealed that in the early part of the relationship, she was afraid that not "accommodating me" would risk our relationship. I have to admit, I'm not sure how to process that either. I'm having some trouble with this level of infrequency. I'm more of a couple of times a week guy. I could do it every day. It isn't just the gratification part, it is the feeling intimately connected in the relationship. It isn't that I feel, "entitled". She is adamant about fidelity, which I happily agree with. But if there's an expectation of strict fidelity, there seems to need some acknowledgement of my needs. I don't think I can live with a sentence of "dealing with it myself" and honestly, the idea of being "accommodated" once in a while is leaving me feeling empty and lonely. Despite a lot of other positives in this relationship, the prospect of not feeling wanted and lack of physical intimacy and I'm wondering if it is time to let go and end it. not "accommodating me" would risk our relationship. -- Basically she is telling you that she was only giving you sex in order to keep you interested and not doing it because she wanted to. This is huge. She is having sex with you only on a "mechanical" level. Even if she has an orgasm when you do have sex, I doubt it's an emotional thing for her. It's just an orgasm. This kind of "attitude" toward sex is sometimes an indicator of past abuse . . . the idea of being "accommodated" once in a while is leaving me feeling empty and lonely. -- This is how you will feel for the rest of your life with her. 1
Diezel Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Break off the engagement. It'll only get worse after marriage. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Yup. Whether you think you have a thoroughbred or a pit-pony, you're flogging a dead horse.
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I wonder how she'd feel if she were to know you don't see her as a sleek rearing thoroughbred, but more of your bog-standard pit-pony...? She is no Ferrari just a Prius - interesting Maybe that is exactly why is he is down to sex every 2 months. If she feels he was just settling, then maybe it is difficult for her to get excited over sex with him.
aboucher21 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Now I am only in college so my input may not be relevant to you but I just came out of a relationship with sexual incompatibility. like you, I don't NEED sex. I like it and I think its important and a few times a week is reasonable. We only did it once every week or two and we saw each other pretty much everyday. It was very hard on me. It led to other problems and I felt disconnected because I get intimacy from sex and feel closer to my partner from it. When I would initiate and get rejected it really hurt. And when we did have it I felt like she was doing me a service rather than because she wanted to. It became very frustrating. Hopefully that can give you something to look at
mystikmind2005 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 If she was afraid of destroying the relationship early on, that tells you she has been through this before. Please don't break up with her and inflict this woman on some other poor unsuspecting guy, what did he ever do to you?? Lol, but seriously why don't the two of you make an appointment with a sex therapist?
LostOnes05 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I agree with the suggestion of going to a sex therapist to see why she might only want it once every few months. I couldn't take being married to someone and being on rationed intimacy. And the worst part is when you become withdrawn (and you will), she will proclaim that you don't shower her with enough attention...meanwhile you're starting fires with lotion. 1
Fleur de cactus Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 Sex in once a couple of months? And you said that when you intimate it is good and she has pleasure? How do you know if she orgasms? You know women fake orgasms! 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 I agree with FF, Redhead and Central. I mean, seriously?! ONCE every couple of MONTHS or longer??? That's not brutal...that's just insanity! And yeah, she did mislead you....during your engagement you said you guys were intimate frequently and regularly; but then she flips a switch and tells you what her 'expectations' will be after you guys get married?! The only thing good about this situation is that - due to her honesty - you're able to dodge this bullet NOW, instead of her telling you this after you were married....THAT would've been messed up!! You wanted to give this relationship 'a long run' BEFORE you entered into a permanent commitment, because you wanted to avoid getting yourself into an unfavorable life situation, right?! Well, even though she misled you IMO, at least she came clean before the wedding day about just how freakin' LOW her libido truly is! I know this is going to be hard for you (and sad), but I think you should definitely end it with this woman....unless the infrequency of sex that she told you she expects within the marriage is something you can honestly live with. Why not break up with her and date a woman whose sex drive basically aligns with your own? Seriously though, no matter how nice, sweet, respectful or wonderful a guy is....if he were to tell me (even before we got 'engaged') that he only desires sex once every couple of months and for even longer periods than that - I'd have to say "Goodbye" to him. I'm all for compromising in a relationship and realizing that there may be some moments when the guy I'm with won't be in the mood...but um, anything longer than a couple of weeks on a regular basis is just something I don't think I could live with for the long haul. .
Gary S Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) There is a good rule you should know for relationships. Each partner should give the other sex and affection whenever they want it. Heck, the woman could just lay there. Some divorced guys would be happy with that, just ask them. I hate to say this, but her lack of love/drive could be the reason you found her single in the first place. Cut off affection and romance, but not respect and trust. See if she still wants to act frigid. Sometimes they can only love you fully if they know you can live without them. Playing hard to get doubles love level. Edited June 16, 2015 by Gary S
Phoenician Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 OP you are lucky to detect this during engagement ; mine never really declared it but ended up in a 17 years marriage which is full of resentment . she slept with you in order not to loose the cake ; I see that she broke the vows before committing even to them . sometimes things are black/white nothing in between ; for me lying and pretending is as equal to cheating and abusing . run away .
lollipopspot Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 It's going to be a frustrating relationship for both of you, if you stay in it. I think the incompatibility is way too great. I was taken aback by your comparison of her to the Prius though. I think that you need to find the woman who FOR YOU is a Ferrari Enzo, and treat her like it (and she should treat you like it as well). Your way of thinking of the woman you love and consider marrying is troublesome. I have been with a guy who was not that objectively attractive - but FOR ME he was a Ferrari and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else. Maybe if it were a Ferrari Enzo. Hard to get excited by the idea of a Prius that I can't drive but am obligated to never drive anything else.
Popsicle Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 You are engaged, not legally married, so you can break it off quite easily, and you should. For someone who's been to the circus and been married before, there really is no point in getting married again if you're not doing it the right away and for the right reasons.
Author just_some_guy Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Well to be fair - I'm not the one who brought up the "car" metaphor. If it were a car, I could be excited about a Ferrari that I could only drive every couple of months. But it would be a different story to be relegated to exclusively driving a Prius only once every couple of months. It was more a comparison to mind-blowing sex every once in a while as opposed to normal, routine sex. It was not a comparison to her as human being. No, she is an attractive woman who i greatly value. As far as sex goes, (perhaps TMI) she does get aroused and lubricate readily and naturally on her own. No problems there. She likes me to go down on her or otherwise bring her to orgasm, every several weeks or so. I don't believe she fakes the orgasm, all the physical signs are quite apparent. Sometimes she doesn't climax, no matter what, and she hasn't lied about that. She will not perform oral on me, which is disappointing. She is a good person, non-screwed up life, divorced, employed and so on.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I wonder how she'd feel if she were to know you don't see her as a sleek rearing thoroughbred, but more of your bog-standard pit-pony...?I'm going to incorporate bog-standard pit-pony into my vocabulary.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 It was more a comparison to mind-blowing sex every once in a while as opposed to normal, routine sex. She likes me to go down on her or otherwise bring her to orgasm, every several weeks or so. She will not perform oral on me, which is disappointing. She is a good person, non-screwed up life, divorced, employed and so on. She may very well be a "good person"...but it seems like she's a bit on the selfish side. What kind of woman (who's ENGAGED to the man she supposedly loves and is ATTRACTED to) likes it when he goes down on her - but she refuses to go down on him?! Sorry, but she seems more of a taker than a giver in the sexual aspect of your relationship. Did she tell you why she never wants to give you a bj? Does she realize that a LOT of guys *love* having that done to them - especially by the woman they care about? If she doesn't realize that, perhaps you should tell her and see what her reaction is. .
ascendotum Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 The only thing good about this situation is that - due to her honesty - you're able to dodge this bullet NOW, instead of her telling you this after you were married....THAT would've been messed up!! You wanted to give this relationship 'a long run' BEFORE you entered into a permanent commitment, because you wanted to avoid getting yourself into an unfavorable life situation, right?! Well, even though she misled you IMO, at least she came clean before the wedding day about just how freakin' LOW her libido truly is! That's the silver lining in this story. I am a little surprised that she gave him a heads up, but now it allows him to make a more informed decision on his impending marriage to this woman. He is lucky in a way, but for sure he will be disappointed in the change in tune on sex. I really cannot see why it is that hard to give your partner sex more than once in 2-3mths for the pleasure you give them even if you don't get off. With some of my friends or friends of friends they didn't get the warning and the change in their sex life hits them too late - soon after marriage/house purchase (mostly his $)/baby. Its just has this mercenary aspect to it due to the timing where it now much harder to walk away.
fireflywy Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 You're incompatible. Break up now. If you continue, you will be in a sexless relationship. (The clinical definition is having sex 10 times or less in a year.) She would get to control your sex life, and you would have no recourse other than porn, cheating (which would be a deal breaker for her), or divorce. Why not avoid all negative outcomes and simply find someone who is more compatible. You took your time in dating to avoid exactly this scenario, so now that you've found a deal breaker, break up! This. ^^^^
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