Stephx3 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Hello all, my name is Steph and I'm 22 years old. 4 days ago, my boyfriend of 6 months and I broke up. We had a great time together (at least I thought so) and I'm extremely confused so I just think writing this down and talking it out would help me. During the course of our time together, he frequently talked about me converting and I know he viewed the relationship as a serious one with all of the potential to become extremely serious in the future. He always spoke about our future together and about future plans with me included in general. We had a long distance relationship the first 3 or 4 months, because I was away finishing my last semester of college. However, every time I got to come home for break we would spend as much time together as possible, and throughout my stay at school, he called me every single day whenever he cold and we were always in constant communication via text or phone call. He was the first to say I love you 2 months in, and was my first love and boyfriend. When I finally graduated a month ago and moved back home for good, we were both extremely excited that I wouldn't be going away again and would be back to stay. Things were great and we spent an amazing day in the city as son as I got back home, meeting his sister for lunch and going shopping. However, the next day began our biggest fight to date. It was over the stupidest reason ever: the fact that while he had a plan post college, I was still trying to figure out mine. He told me I needed to get a head on my shoulders, and was pretty cold about it, telling me he expected to see progress on me forming a plan and taking action to prove I was truly serious. He is the type to not say what is bothering him at first and takes a bit to get over an argument but I kno exactly when something is wrong. So, after we fought, we kept fighting over it for about 3 or 4 days and I feared we would break up all because I hadn't figured out a career plan yet. I found myself doing tons of research in order to prove to him I was serious. However, I also realized this is not how a boyfriend should act. I had only graduated a week ago, and it actually was fine that I didn't have anything figured out yet; many people don't as soon as they graduate. For him to push his beliefs on me was a parent thing, and I knew that as a boyfriend he should have supported me and not made me feel worse when I was already going through a hard time. For that 3 or 4 days, I was an emotional wreck thinking things would end all because of my failure to have a career plan at the moment. He also said some extremely hurtful things during the arguments and was so short, I wondered if this was the same person id spent so much time with who constantly planned for the future with us and told me he loved me and was so affectionate. We went back to normal for the rest of that week, hanging out together (even with his family). I left for a cruise the next week, but beforehand he told me how upset he was that we wouldn't even be able to communicate for an entire week. When I got back home last week, I turned my phone on to a text from him saying how upset he had been that I hadn't been home, and how much he really missed me a lot. The second I got back home, I texted to him, to which he called asking if I wanted to go to his softball game and out to dinner the same day. We spent a great day together, had a romantic dinner and went out afterward. Someone he knew was asking us both how we met and about the relationship, and his responses included how he obviously had been waiting to date someone like me and how I was the person to take his mind off his first heartbreak years before. He said that if I converted for him (which I told him I would if things got serious enough) I would get everything. I look at that say as a blessing from God as our last great day together. The next day I had a meeting with a physical therapy department head, something I had been looking into. Basically, the head told me my GPA was lower than it should be and that I should look at less competitive programs. I took it with a grain of salt- I had been shot down, but this was only the first step. I was making progress by doing research and scheduling meetings. When my boyfriend picked me up from the meeting and I told him, he was very quiet. He even said it seemed as if I was in a worse position than before since I'd been shot down, which didn't make sense to me since it was only a first step and I had more research to do and many more options to explore. I immediately realized this must have gotten him annoyed again, but when he texted me like normal a few min after dropping me off, I figured I was wrong. Later that night, he wasn't talking as much and I realized he must have been thinking about the meeting. I texted him before bed and he didn't respond, which rarely ever happened since he had always been so good about checking in and being in contact all the time. The next morning, he dropped off my laptop that I needed and I asked hm if he was annoyed to which he said it's whatever (clearly that's a yes). He was acting weird again, and that night I texted him asking what the issue was. He told me he had a lot going on and basically that he needed time. Obviously I was confused but angry as well. He told me he needed time and when I asked to meet in person to discuss it, he told me he couldn't because he needed to think. He texted me the next afternoon, saying he would "let me know by tomorrow most likely". When I didn't answer for a few minutes, he texted back "you're not even gunna answer me?" And "you not answering will make it worse FYI". To me, it was clear I needed to stop letting him have this control over me. I told him that if he didn't know right then and there if he wanted to try and work on things and be supportive of me instead of acting like a parent, he would know already and didn't have to take another day to think. Long story short, he said so maybe it's not right, that he had so much going on (which is true, but he always did, I just was no longer a priority) and that this wasn't the right time. I ended things, although it was like he was urging me to. I never for a second even now would doubt that he loves me, but I don't understand how things changed so fast all because of my lack of having a plan when he knew I was working on it. It's been 4 days, and although I was devastated at first and upset, I've been getting better when I realize that he had extremely immature thinking and gave up on something really great for th me dumbest reason. When we ended, he told me he didn't want to lose me out of his life completely and even that he was scared I'd say bad things about him. Was that really his biggest concern at the moment? We had just broken up! After it ended, I was the first to change my relationship status on Facebook, and was devastated by the thought that I might never hear from him again. I wasn't ready for friendship talk. All I wanted was to text him paragraphs of the flaws I now realized but I still love him obviously and don't know how I'd react having him back in life. 2 days after the breakup, he snapchatted both my sister and I a picture of him and his friend out that read "we out here." Clearly, this is the first communication we had had since our breakup and it was for lack of a better term, a dick move. Why personally send that to your brand new ex? I opened it and didn't respond. A few hours later, I'm sure after some drinking, he texted me. His texts read "I hope you're not as mad at me as I think you are." Then, "hope to be friends once things calm down." And then 2 minutes later, "if you answered me I'll leave you alone." All I wanted to do was speak to him, but I felt better automatically knowing the ball was now in my court. He had broken first. I didn't reply, and he must have been shocked. The next morning, he deleted me off Instagram, and untagged pictures on Facebook although we were still friends. By night time however, he had deleted me on Facebook also. I understand that if this was what he had to do to move forward, it was a good thing. Plus it was not healthy for me to be checking up on his page constantly either. I feel like the mature one right now, and would like to give it a few weeks of moving on before reaching out at the possibility of being on good terms. I would never want to be on bad terms with a person I loved so much just last week. Any thoughts on this? I understand now how controlling he was and how his actions made no sense, but the thought of him moving on and being with someone else right now kills me. Am I doing what should be done right now by leaving his texts? I know it must eat at him that I never responded but I have nothing to lose anymore. Sorry for how long this thread is, but I really felt I needed to get this all out there. I would appreciate any input or advice. Sadly, I love him and am unsure that if he came back, I wouldn't turn him away. Anything is appreciated!
StalwartMind Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Just a friendly advice to start off with, try to break your writing up into paragraphs. It is difficult to read and it is also popularly called a "wall of text". Very few people, except bonkers like me, feel up for the challenge to descend such. Now on the bright side of things, you do write quite detailed. Perhaps a lot of it could of been left out but everyone have a different writing style and I wouldn't discourage you to do so again. Being 22 years old, you are still so young and you have a lot of challenges ahead of you. I'm sure all of this could of been handled quite differently, but again I'm not one to either judge or tell you what would of been the best way to go about it. With that said though, I do agree that it was rather non supportive of him to urge demands with such haste and in that fashion. Mind you I hail from a region of the world where we mostly enjoy to do things done calmly. Still that is no excuse for such behavior, granted I know stuff can get hectic, especially when emotions and stress are flying high. As fresh grown ups you are still getting accustomed to many new situations and it can be difficult for couples/people to communicate properly, even if you otherwise function well together. Heck, as you'll discover, that problem can persist well into old age and beyond. There are no "winners" in arguments, only losers. If either part fail to grasp this, then you'll be setting yourself up for an eternity of fall outs. Immature actions such as deleting stuff, ignoring doesn't solve a problem period. I'm greatly convinced though, that some people believe putting a problem under a carpet will make it go away. Take dirt and dust for example, yeah we all know what happens to that if you swipe it under a rug. As every individual on this planet are so different, there are many ways to go about a situation. No matter what though, if either part is poor at communicating, then you will find it challenging to make things work. Be responsible and mature, don't be superior to others or spend a second wondering if something eats him. Truthfully we'll never really know what others may think, unless we actually ask them directly. Even then we may be deceived. Don't allow anyone ever to control you, we don't own other people period. We may wish to instill our own desires into others, but it should be every individual's choice in how they wish to act. It is very few people at your age that do have the composure to deal with drama and situations such as this in an orderly manner. Learn from it, ask yourself what you dislike about it and then make sure you uphold some dignity. Be humble and especially in difficult situations, try to look at things from other perspectives than your own. This may not always solve things or for that matter prevent people from treating you poorly. It does however give you an insight and power to be a better person. Love has an invisible hold on all of us and works in ways that we often can't fully comprehend. Most relationship that are rocky can be salvaged, it does however require two willing parts, and more often than not, one is never willing to accept certain standards. I don't know what you should do, other than go about things in the most honorable way possible. Be forgiving but also do not accept crap that is unjustified.
JewelD Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I'm in a similar boat. Just ended a 3 year relationship with my college 'sweetheart'. It's been a year and a half since he graduated, 1 year since I graduated. I think what may have happened here is that college relationships change once you graduate. Some people embrace it and work it out, some people don't like it and can't figure out how to make the transition. I was in the opposite situation, I had a LOT going for me and my ex had nothing really. He almost didn't graduate because he was messing around. But regardless, I still supported him and I still envisioned a life with him. So your bf getting upset with you for not having something planned out is just ridiculous and possible a cover for something else. He may have been picking a fight with you on purpose so that you would break up with him and he wouldn't have to feel like a bad person by doing it himself. You love him still, but does he love you? He seems like a narcissist, like my ex. They love attention and they need to be wanted to feel good about themselves, hence why he kept urging you to text him back. The only thing that works on people like this is a complete CUT OFF. block him wherever you can, ignore his texts or block those as well. don't pick up his calls, don't do anything. It will drive him crazy. Unfortunately, that's not going to change him into the person you need him to be. He's gotta grow up on his own, and if you go back to him before that, it's more than likely going to be the same thing all over again. Sometimes I think about my ex coming back and me turning him down. Sometimes I want him back. But you have to think, is the person you want back the same person that allowed you to dump him? The same person that argued with you about your future? Take him off that pedestal. Don't just think about the good times, remember the bad times and the things you didn't like about him. That's what's gonna stop you from going back. I read this quote online "You want someone who will jump fences to be with you. Not someone who is on the fence about being with you".
Recommended Posts