Redemption04 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I've posted about this guy once before. Anyways, we have some history like 5 years ago. We've recently reconnected and for the last 3-4 weeks or so, we've been hanging out quite a bit and texting daily. Which yes, he generally starts everytime. And he keeps inviting me to things. And as of right now, we do (or at least did) have plans to go hiking next weekend. Which, oh yes--WAS HIS IDEA. But things took a turn for the weird on Friday while texting. And I'm trying to figure out what his deal is. A lot of bantering, including but not limited to him telling me quote: "As a kid I thought your face was misformed because of your high cheekbones. But then I realized it wasn't misformed and all things aside, they were alright. You just have desirable bone structure." And, "For example, like little kid me thought people kissing was weird and gross, but as I got older and tried it I actually became a big fan." And then, "So my brother wrote me from bootcamp (he's in the navy). He asked if the rumors are true that we're dating." Finally, I'd been baited enough. I asked him what his deal was. His reply? (Summarized): "This feels so wrong over text, but you do know we're not dating, right? To put all my cards on the table, you're a friend who's becoming a great friend, and I may have feelings for you, but things are more complicated than that..." And shortly later "You are super interesting. I'm just not interested romantically right now. Don't think you're uninteresting because of this." After all of that, I'm pissed, confused, and don't really ever want to see him again. Two questions: Based on everything he said, does anyone else think all signs pointed to "INTERESTED" right up until he said "Oh no way!" Secondly..It REALLY makes me angry he wrote "oh don't think you're uninteresting" like somehow I would doubt my own validity and worth just because an idiot like him rejected me. What gives? I'm really confused. Anyone got input on why he just did this? If it helps, he's a 24 year old virgin (don't ask why I know this about him), and deeply religious.
irresolute Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Looks like he's a little troubled and immature. I wouldn't pay much attention to what he texts. He may be using pick up lines with you and push pull techniques, typically losers use this. Stay away, I don't think you'll find much essence in this guy. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Somebody just did a study. Only 3% of TSA officers were able to spot suspicious people based on their behaviors / body language (signals). However, something 78% of them were able to spot the bad guys after speaking to them. So I think you may be mis-reading the so called signals. You want him to interested so you conclude that everything he does is evidence of interest You have to go by his words & right now are his words are at best showing he's immature & confused but at worst straight up telling you that he doesn't want to date you. Believe him. 1
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Looks like he's a little troubled and immature. I wouldn't pay much attention to what he texts. He may be using pick up lines with you and push pull techniques, typically losers use this. Stay away, I don't think you'll find much essence in this guy. ^^This...but before you dump him, please tell him the word is "deformed," not "misformed."
toscaroscura Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Somebody just did a study. Only 3% of TSA officers were able to spot suspicious people based on their behaviors / body language (signals). However, something 78% of them were able to spot the bad guys after speaking to them. So I think you may be mis-reading the so called signals. You want him to interested so you conclude that everything he does is evidence of interest You have to go by his words & right now are his words are at best showing he's immature & confused but at worst straight up telling you that he doesn't want to date you. Believe him. Yeah, I'd say his words are pretty clear. He also seems like he is trying to avoid conflict and spare her feelings (although he is pretty bad and clumsy at that). I'd take this for the soft "no" that it is. Oh and, did he offer this stuff up out of the blue, or were you asking him questions about how he felt? 1
misspond Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 It's confusing when people do this but try and remember that the source of incongruence is with him. He's said he's not interested in you romantically so that's the thing you should take notice of. All of the other mixed signals are his own turmoil, so let him deal with that stuff, and maybe you should extricate yourself from a situation that's causing you to feel upset and confused. 1
Author Redemption04 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Somebody just did a study. Only 3% of TSA officers were able to spot suspicious people based on their behaviors / body language (signals). However, something 78% of them were able to spot the bad guys after speaking to them. So I think you may be mis-reading the so called signals. You want him to interested so you conclude that everything he does is evidence of interest You have to go by his words & right now are his words are at best showing he's immature & confused but at worst straight up telling you that he doesn't want to date you. Believe him. And I AM going by his words. Which is why when his final conclusion of "hey I'm not into you" came out, I really felt like there had been some leading the witness going on. Talking about kissing out of the blue? Really? It was irrelevant to anything we were talking about. Complimenting my bone structure? No one even says that. Even guys I go on dates with. I definitely get compliments of "You're pretty", but what weirdo goes and talks about your cheekbones? Especially a weirdo who's not into you? 1
Author Redemption04 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Oh and, did he offer this stuff up out of the blue, or were you asking him questions about how he felt? He offered these up out of the blue pretty much. The kissing comment, the comments about my face, and feeling the need to share that his brother who I haven't seen in forever thinks we're dating (like how was that relevant?) These were all in no way connected to hiking plans, disc golf, some childhood pic he found, or helicopters--The four topics we'd been talking about prior to this in the day. The kissing comment and my face came out of nowhere.
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I didn't hear compliments in his words. I heard confusion & veiled insults, like I might be willing to settle for you after I figure out that I had no other options. Just be careful because this guy is not straightforward. 6
toscaroscura Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 And I AM going by his words. Which is why when his final conclusion of "hey I'm not into you" came out, I really felt like there had been some leading the witness going on. Talking about kissing out of the blue? Really? It was irrelevant to anything we were talking about. Complimenting my bone structure? No one even says that. Even guys I go on dates with. I definitely get compliments of "You're pretty", but what weirdo goes and talks about your cheekbones? Especially a weirdo who's not into you? It didn't sound like a compliment to me though. It was pretty backhanded. Why did he feel the need to mention he used to think you were deformed? If I'm going to compliment a man, and I really like him, I'm not going to preface that compliment with an insult. It makes no sense. I think he is a very sexually frustrated young man, and that he feels attraction for you, but his religiosity is possibly making him feel pretty guilty? And that while he is fighting his primal instincts, his rational brain tells him he doesn't really want to be with YOU, for you. Just a guess. I have some experience with this type of guy...
Author Redemption04 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 It didn't sound like a compliment to me though. It was pretty backhanded. Why did he feel the need to mention he used to think you were deformed? If I'm going to compliment a man, and I really like him, I'm not going to preface that compliment with an insult. It makes no sense. I think he is a very sexually frustrated young man, and that he feels attraction for you, but his religiosity is possibly making him feel pretty guilty? And that while he is fighting his primal instincts, his rational brain tells him he doesn't really want to be with YOU, for you. Just a guess. I have some experience with this type of guy... I also felt like it was kind of backhanded. Another aspect--while we DID grow up together, he has remained devoutly religious. I on the other hand am no longer religious. And he knows this. I made him aware of this a couple weeks ago. I'm more agnostic--I'm fine with people having their faith, and I'd like to believe, I just don't see evidence for it. Additionally, while he's only kissed one girl and apparently never had the opportunity to lose it--I've had shall we say, more "life experience" (I lost my virginity at 21, and have been with 1 guy). He's not really aware the extend of the life experience, but I'd assume he's assumed the worst and probably thinks I've been all over town:o
aloneinaz Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 If you enjoy hanging out with him platonically, why not continue too? Maybe his people skills suck and he was just trying to let you know that he didn't want anything but friendship. In the meantime, put some effort into finding a guy that wants a romantic relationship. When I was single, I almost enjoyed hanging out w/female friends more than male friends. I learned from them many things and also got to enjoy the opposite sex companionship even if it wasn't romantically based.
toscaroscura Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I also felt like it was kind of backhanded. Another aspect--while we DID grow up together, he has remained devoutly religious. I on the other hand am no longer religious. And he knows this. I made him aware of this a couple weeks ago. I'm more agnostic--I'm fine with people having their faith, and I'd like to believe, I just don't see evidence for it. Additionally, while he's only kissed one girl and apparently never had the opportunity to lose it--I've had shall we say, more "life experience" (I lost my virginity at 21, and have been with 1 guy). He's not really aware the extend of the life experience, but I'd assume he's assumed the worst and probably thinks I've been all over town:o Oh boy, yup! He's super conflicted! He's highly attracted to you I think, but you are All Wrong for him, according to the neat and trim little life plan he has in his head. The insults might be his way of trying to make you less appealing to himself. But obviously all it really did was hurt your feelings. I'm also seeing a younger man who is religious and a virgin by choice. I was his first kiss. Let's list all the ways in which I am All Wrong for him: -I am much older than he is -while I believe in God, I spent most of my early life atheist/agnostic and wasn't raised in any faith -I am divorced and have a son -I too am more, ahem, "worldly" than him Thankfully mine never backhand-insulted me but he is quite gun shy. And yet he always comes back to me because he loves me, even though I am All Wrong. Love works in mysterious ways! Anyway, back to your situation. It doesn't sound like you love him or are interested in seeing him again (and I don't blame you)! Not sure if letting him know he crossed the line and was insulting and hurtful would even be worth it, though!
Author Redemption04 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Oh boy, yup! He's super conflicted! He's highly attracted to you I think, but you are All Wrong for him, according to the neat and trim little life plan he has in his head. The insults might be his way of trying to make you less appealing to himself. But obviously all it really did was hurt your feelings. The one other thing that makes it additionally confusing--When we were 18-19, we had a "thing" for a month, and he managed to ruin that being clueless (this was before the only relationship he's ever had). This thing started with both of us mutually being interested in the other. I think based on that, the physical attraction is probably still there. I should note that back then, I WAS still religious. And totally into the "let's pray about this" stuff.
toscaroscura Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 The one other thing that makes it additionally confusing--When we were 18-19, we had a "thing" for a month, and he managed to ruin that being clueless (this was before the only relationship he's ever had). This thing started with both of us mutually being interested in the other. I think based on that, the physical attraction is probably still there. I should note that back then, I WAS still religious. And totally into the "let's pray about this" stuff. No doubt! But hey, bottom line is: if you don't want to continue any kind of relationship with him, it's probably best to just stop talking. But if you do, let him know how insulting he was! Being clueless and inexperienced doesn't give him a pass to be hurtful. I have had to draw my own boundaries with How To Relationship, and let him know when he was being (inadvertently) hurtful. So tell him!
Popsicle Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Somebody just did a study. Only 3% of TSA officers were able to spot suspicious people based on their behaviors / body language (signals). However, something 78% of them were able to spot the bad guys after speaking to them. So I think you may be mis-reading the so called signals. You want him to interested so you conclude that everything he does is evidence of interest You have to go by his words & right now are his words are at best showing he's immature & confused but at worst straight up telling you that he doesn't want to date you. Believe him. That's interesting since people always proclaim that in relationships/dating, actions speak louder than words. I am of the opinion that a person should show interest in both words and actions. One without the other, and especially if the words and actions are opposite, is no good and just cause to end things because there is likely an issue there. 2
Arieswoman Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Redemption04, "You are super interesting. I'm just not interested romantically So he's told you he's not interested romantically - believe him. 2
Author Redemption04 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 That's interesting since people always proclaim that in relationships/dating, actions speak louder than words. I am of the opinion that a person should show interest in both words and actions. One without the other, and especially if the words and actions are opposite, is no good and just cause to end things because there is likely an issue there. Yep. I'm done. Tonight I was suppose to go to a young adults group thing at his church [which use to be my church] (this is such a long story...), that's on sunday nights. Yes, bait the non-religious girl into the church. And tonight..I just didn't feel like going and dealing with his nonsense. And apparently, it wasn't too big of loss to him--he never even texted me to see if I died on the way there, or what happened.
Redhead14 Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 I've posted about this guy once before. Anyways, we have some history like 5 years ago. We've recently reconnected and for the last 3-4 weeks or so, we've been hanging out quite a bit and texting daily. Which yes, he generally starts everytime. And he keeps inviting me to things. And as of right now, we do (or at least did) have plans to go hiking next weekend. Which, oh yes--WAS HIS IDEA. But things took a turn for the weird on Friday while texting. And I'm trying to figure out what his deal is. A lot of bantering, including but not limited to him telling me quote: "As a kid I thought your face was misformed because of your high cheekbones. But then I realized it wasn't misformed and all things aside, they were alright. You just have desirable bone structure." And, "For example, like little kid me thought people kissing was weird and gross, but as I got older and tried it I actually became a big fan." And then, "So my brother wrote me from bootcamp (he's in the navy). He asked if the rumors are true that we're dating." Finally, I'd been baited enough. I asked him what his deal was. His reply? (Summarized): "This feels so wrong over text, but you do know we're not dating, right? To put all my cards on the table, you're a friend who's becoming a great friend, and I may have feelings for you, but things are more complicated than that..." And shortly later "You are super interesting. I'm just not interested romantically right now. Don't think you're uninteresting because of this." After all of that, I'm pissed, confused, and don't really ever want to see him again. Two questions: Based on everything he said, does anyone else think all signs pointed to "INTERESTED" right up until he said "Oh no way!" Secondly..It REALLY makes me angry he wrote "oh don't think you're uninteresting" like somehow I would doubt my own validity and worth just because an idiot like him rejected me. What gives? I'm really confused. Anyone got input on why he just did this? If it helps, he's a 24 year old virgin (don't ask why I know this about him), and deeply religious. You misread or read into his "signals". There hadn't been a conversation up to this point about "what you two were doing" and he's being honest with you. What's wrong with that? It's not like you'd been intimate and he knew what you wanted with him and didn't want that with you and kept stringing you along. He hasn't done anything wrong.
kendahke Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 (edited) Looks like he's a little troubled and immature. as well as judgmental and boorish. He's quite full of himself. I mean, was that his clumsy way of asking you to wait around until his romantic feelings for you grew? "let's be chums and I'll decide later if I want to have romantic feelings for you". I mean, if you need a male friend that badly... Edited June 15, 2015 by kendahke 2
Lois_Griffin Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 If it helps, he's a 24 year old virgin (don't ask why I know this about him), and deeply religious. Oh goodie. A religious 24-year old passive/aggressive virgin who has no clue about female/male relationships. Is this guy a Jehovah's Witness or a Reborn Christian? Good luck to you. You'll need it. 2
Arieswoman Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 Redemption04, errr , what exactly do you mean by "deeply religious"?
Author Redemption04 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) Redemption04, errr , what exactly do you mean by "deeply religious"? Christian. Very strict Christian. Goes to church every Sunday, very into church involvement. Kind of the ringleader of college group type events. By his own account he would quote "Like to remain a virgin until he's married, but he's not sure how much fun a relationship would be if you have to be that strict about it." Prays about all kinds of things. I also get the feeling he doesn't consume a lot of alcohol--he does drink beer, but I don't know if he even drinks as much as I do. He has admitted to looking at porn at least once (in the context of a story he was telling--apparently that is why his ex broke up with him. He told her and she was convinced porn was evil, unhealthy:laugh:, and a sin), so I'm like...How normal or not normal is this guy? I asked him about 2 weeks ago at one of our lunch meet ups, "It doesn't bother you that I'm not into all of that?" His reply was, "No. And I'm never going to push it on you. I understand what happened (some pretty violent things happened to me in the 5 year hiatus of knowing him, all done by "believers"--this was part of my paradigm shift away from religion) and I'm not expecting any of that from you." Aaaaaaaand he's just texted me while I've been typing this post. Quote "missed you last night. Sorry I've been busy and haven't had a chance to write. What's new with you?". Like dude, do you not remember we just talked on Friday night? Edited June 16, 2015 by Redemption04
fitnessfan365 Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 He's probably conflicted. On one hand, he knows that he likes you. On the other hand, he is a 24 year old virgin and most likely has confidence/self esteem issues. That's why he tries to put himself out there and pseudo ask you out. But ultimately his self doubt over his lack of experience is winning out.
Arieswoman Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 toscoroscura, I don't think him being Christian has anything much to do with it. He sounds like a very confused young man. He's already told you he isn't interested romantically, so why not go and find someone who is? Please don't waste any more time trying to figure out his convoluted emotions. Good luck x
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