Irrational fear of losing my girlfriend. Do I admit this to her?

[nadroj]

My girlfriend (mid-20s) and I (late-20s) have been dating for a year and everything has went really well. However, I'm getting to the point where losing her would be absolutely devastating and now I regularly worry about it happening. I have no reason to believe it's going to end, but this is approaching the longest relationship I have had, and that's playing into it. Several other factors that may be at play:

 

- I, admittedly, am a little further along in terms of us than she is and we have had this discussion before.

 

- I've been cheated on in the past and early in our relationship, she admitted that while she was a freshman in college (7 years ago), she had cheated once while her boyfriend at the time and her were in an "off" stage by kissing another guy at a party. At the time, this made me leery because of my past history of being cheated on, but she was very adamant that she had changed a lot since then. I 100% believe her, based on other things she told me about her attitude/problems at that point in life. Still, the thought of it happening lingers. Not because I think she would (that's not fair to her and I have admitted that to her), but because it's happened to me in the past.

 

- Sort of contrary to the latter part of the previous bullet point, she can have a hard time opening up/expressing her emotions. She is an admitted introvert. After a drink or two is when stuff usually comes out, and that would normally be fine. I am very much a person who likes hearing "I love you" out of her mouth first and all that kind of jazz. Admittedly, it acts as a reassurance. However, it's a very difficult contrast from my perspective. If we go out one evening, I may receive a shower of affection (she'll initiate public kisses, etc). Then, the rest of the week, it will be sparse. I'm not talking zero physical interaction, because we are intimate regularly, I'm just saying that she's far less likely to initiate both verbal and physical affection. This is different in a relationship for me. I am used to the opposite and she knows that I like to be affectionate/am into that kind of stuff.

 

I think what's causing my fear of losing her is the latter. When she's open emotionally, I feel great about the relationship. When she's not, I start to worry about things. Basically, I think I just need a more consistent showing of support from her emotionally.

 

Should I say to her, "I've been thinking a bit lately and have come to find myself more scared of losing you. I think I finally know why, though. Not because things aren't going well, but 1) like I've mentioned to you, this is approaching the longest relationship I've had and 2) I still struggle with your affection."

 

I'm sure there's a better way to phrase it, but is this idea even a good one? I have done my best to adapt to some of her quirks (such as her just not wanting to talk sometimes and needing quiet time randomly because she is introverted), so I kind of feel like this request isn't out of line. I'm not trying to force her feelings. I know they are there, because they do come out sometimes. Example was earlier this week when we were supposed to hangout, but she had a big fight with her best friend of 7 years the night prior and wanted to try to sort things out with her. I understood and she said that was another reason why she loved me, because I was so understanding. But, like I said, it's usually me initiating the love yous and displays of affection and sometimes that just makes me feel like she's not into it. Perhaps that's all on my end, but I guess I feel like that since she knows it's something that I like/means a lot to me, she could try to do it more often?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited June 14, 2015 by nadroj

[jen1447]

It's a good idea in terms of going after open communication, but I think the message itself will promote a needy look to you, which will likely only make your fears more legit in reality. If she's still not all-in emotionally, telling her you're totally in and then-some will quite possibly make her take a step back.

[TaraMaiden2]

People communicate emotionally in very different ways.

It's got much to do with conditioning.

Chances are if her family or parents were not lovey-dovey close, demonstrative or open about their feelings, she isn't likely to go against the grain.

 

Not unless she herself sees anything wrong with it.

 

For example, my H is very demonstrative with his son, and tells him he loves him.

Unlike his father who was cold, distant and physically severe.

 

So he actually objects to his father's historical attitude and is determined his son will see him differently.

 

But if your GF grew up in an environment where emotions were contained and restrained, and is not malcontent - then this is an issue you will have to probably deal with on your own.

 

Over time, this can come up in discussion, but I don't think it should be a particular and isolated topic meriting a particular talk....

[nadroj]

It's a good idea in terms of going after open communication, but I think the message itself will promote a needy look to you, which will likely only make your fears more legit in reality. If she's still not all-in emotionally, telling her you're totally in and then-some will quite possibly make her take a step back.

 

Fair point. However (despite admitting she's not as far along), she has admitted to being all in and intent on moving forward.

 

And maybe this is where my problem is. For most people, I feel like that would be enough. I mean, I don't want/need to be coddled but, at the same time, I don't feel as though it should be such a struggle for her to do some of these things. She has, without question, gotten better over the course of our relationship, but it's still not a regular occurrence. Getting concerned over the little things does seem silly, but I guess it's what I'm used to.

[TheBathWater]

It's really difficult to make people change, so hoping for that from her might not be the best approach for your situation. I do believe open communication, letting her know your needs, and making non-demanding requests of her to help you meet them (because she is your partner) is much more reasonable. She sounds sincere. I think you know this, it's what you like about her, and you also know that there is no reason to not trust her. What she did was a long time ago. It's in the past, and we all make mistakes. If it was a more serious offense and a pattern for her, I'd be concerned, but she's an adult now (not a college girl) and has her head on straight. I'm saying all of this to you because if you have a year with her now, it's probably going well and I don't want you to regret it later. Have you considered going to individual counseling to sort through what happened to you in the past? That can help. Of course, it's normal to feel dissatisfied when our partners don't communicate with us the way we wish they would. I hope you're able to find a way to get your communication needs met in the relationship, and at the same time, find a way to be more flexible in your communication with her. Sounds like you've got a good one.

[Redhead14]

My girlfriend (mid-20s) and I (late-20s) have been dating for a year and everything has went really well. However, I'm getting to the point where losing her would be absolutely devastating and now I regularly worry about it happening. I have no reason to believe it's going to end, but this is approaching the longest relationship I have had, and that's playing into it. Several other factors that may be at play:

 

- I, admittedly, am a little further along in terms of us than she is and we have had this discussion before.

 

- I've been cheated on in the past and early in our relationship, she admitted that while she was a freshman in college (7 years ago), she had cheated once while her boyfriend at the time and her were in an "off" stage by kissing another guy at a party. At the time, this made me leery because of my past history of being cheated on, but she was very adamant that she had changed a lot since then. I 100% believe her, based on other things she told me about her attitude/problems at that point in life. Still, the thought of it happening lingers. Not because I think she would (that's not fair to her and I have admitted that to her), but because it's happened to me in the past.

 

- Sort of contrary to the latter part of the previous bullet point, she can have a hard time opening up/expressing her emotions. She is an admitted introvert. After a drink or two is when stuff usually comes out, and that would normally be fine. I am very much a person who likes hearing "I love you" out of her mouth first and all that kind of jazz. Admittedly, it acts as a reassurance. However, it's a very difficult contrast from my perspective. If we go out one evening, I may receive a shower of affection (she'll initiate public kisses, etc). Then, the rest of the week, it will be sparse. I'm not talking zero physical interaction, because we are intimate regularly, I'm just saying that she's far less likely to initiate both verbal and physical affection. This is different in a relationship for me. I am used to the opposite and she knows that I like to be affectionate/am into that kind of stuff.

 

I think what's causing my fear of losing her is the latter. When she's open emotionally, I feel great about the relationship. When she's not, I start to worry about things. Basically, I think I just need a more consistent showing of support from her emotionally.

 

Should I say to her, "I've been thinking a bit lately and have come to find myself more scared of losing you. I think I finally know why, though. Not because things aren't going well, but 1) like I've mentioned to you, this is approaching the longest relationship I've had and 2) I still struggle with your affection."

 

I'm sure there's a better way to phrase it, but is this idea even a good one? I have done my best to adapt to some of her quirks (such as her just not wanting to talk sometimes and needing quiet time randomly because she is introverted), so I kind of feel like this request isn't out of line. I'm not trying to force her feelings. I know they are there, because they do come out sometimes. Example was earlier this week when we were supposed to hangout, but she had a big fight with her best friend of 7 years the night prior and wanted to try to sort things out with her. I understood and she said that was another reason why she loved me, because I was so understanding. But, like I said, it's usually me initiating the love yous and displays of affection and sometimes that just makes me feel like she's not into it. Perhaps that's all on my end, but I guess I feel like that since she knows it's something that I like/means a lot to me, she could try to do it more often?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

She is an admitted introvert -- I wouldn't say it's irrational fear. When a person is not "showing" you enough in between seeing them and talking to them that they love you or are seriously interested, it does cause some doubt.

 

You open a casual non-confrontational conversation with her. Start out with "I enjoy the time we spend together and respect our relationship. I love it when you are demonstrative with your affection. It makes me feel warm and secure." Then let her talk. Don't mention fear of losing her that will put pressure on her. You express a need and then give the person time to accommodate it. If she doesn't do that after a little while, then you open a more direct conversation to check the temperature of the relationship.

 

You've been seeing each other for a year. Have you had any discussion about the future, i.e. marriage, engagement? If you haven't mentioned engagement to her or it's been some time since, she may be wondering about "where it's going" and kinda holding back. Just a thought.

[d0nnivain]

Do you know what a self fulfilling prophecy is? the more you dwell on losing her, the more likely that is to happen.

 

Do not share your irrational fears with her. Concentrate on enjoying your relationship.