Ever had an SO who is incredibly insecure?

[xpaperxcutx]

Have you ever had a SO who is insecure about themselves? I feel like every guy who I have dated and been in an "official" relationship is like that. Either they hate their jobs or they always feel validated by me because they feel like they're not good enough for me. I don't think I ever make them feel bad but most of them think so because I have a college education and despite my blue-collar background, I never really saw money being an issue. But to them, they always felt small compared to me.

 

On my part, I always make it a point to tell them that they're okay, and that they're wonderful. But they don't believe me. I remember, my first boyfriend who was a high school dropout, and I tried to encourage him to get his GED. But he never tried to do better despite my constant encouragement. Another guy I dated years back, finished college, but always wanted to be a baseball player. He was unhappy working for his dad in the limousine business, and was working making ends meet. Last I heard, he finally made it to the minor leagues, but still struck out in the end.

 

Currently, the guy I'm seeing, recently made it known he is upset and depressed with his situation- living at home, not having enough money, not having close friends, etc, etc. He thinks that he's ruining the relationship because he doesn't think he is man enough for me. He feels insecure and despite how much I try to cheer him up, he in turn, is making me sad.

 

I do not know what to do except to constantly reassure him that he is a wonderful guy and that he is working towards his goals. I mean what more can do? I can't speak to him or give him advice that other guys can. I can't give him any more encouragement than I currently can because he, like any other guy, is prideful. What exactly can I do? Can I suggest him to see a therapist?

[TaraMaiden2]

They find you, or you seek them?

 

You say "every guy I have ever dated...."

 

and that you "try to tell them that they're okay, and that they're wonderful."

 

It sounds (and I'm not accusing you, I'm merely observing) as if you turn out to be more of a mother-figure for them, than an equal partner....

 

..."But they don't believe me..."

 

No guy believes his mother.

I mean, she WOULD say that, wouldn't she...?

 

How do they find you?

More importantly - how do you find THEM...?

 

(Bear in mind I am always saying that no matter what success labels you can pin on a guy, he's only ever 9 years old! )

 

What you can do, is listen, without necessarily giving egoic input. (His ego, I mean, not yours.)

Just be there to empathise, then tell him what YOU would do.

Don't encourage and build his esteem.

He has to do that for himself.

 

And as you can tell from this - and past - experience, it doesn't work.

 

Boosting their ego and self-esteem isn't effective, because that's not what they need right at that moment.

They don't need pumping up, they need a slap upside the head.

In the nicest way possible, you're enabling their dependency.

 

They HAVE a mother.

They need a partner who won't step into that role.

Which I think is what you may be unwittingly doing.

 

They have to man up and do what they need to do.

Just state that in his shoes you would *suggestion*.... but then of course, it's up to him what he does.

Then, change the subject.

Your relationships shouldn't be all about them, and how they need propping up....

[xpaperxcutx]

They find you, or you seek them?

 

You say "every guy I have ever dated...."

 

and that you "try to tell them that they're okay, and that they're wonderful."

 

It sounds (and I'm not accusing you, I'm merely observing) as if you turn out to be more of a mother-figure for them, than an equal partner....

 

..."But they don't believe me..."

 

No guy believes his mother.

I mean, she WOULD say that, wouldn't she...?

 

How do they find you?

More importantly - how do you find THEM...?

 

(Bear in mind I am always saying that no matter what success labels you can pin on a guy, he's only ever 9 years old! )

 

What you can do, is listen, without necessarily giving egoic input. (His ego, I mean, not yours.)

Just be there to empathise, then tell him what YOU would do.

Don't encourage and build his esteem.

He has to do that for himself.

 

And as you can tell from this - and past - experience, it doesn't work.

 

Boosting their ego and self-esteem isn't effective, because that's not what they need right at that moment.

They don't need pumping up, they need a slap upside the head.

In the nicest way possible, you're enabling their dependency.

 

They HAVE a mother.

They need a partner who won't step into that role.

Which I think is what you may be unwittingly doing.

 

They have to man up and do what they need to do.

Just state that in his shoes you would *suggestion*.... but then of course, it's up to him what he does.

Then, change the subject.

Your relationships shouldn't be all about them, and how they need propping up....

 

Hey Tara thanks. I guess I don't really know how to handle these type of scenarios, and that's why I always revert to doing what I've been in the past- going into mother mode and doing my best to be there for the people I'm with.

 

If you ask me how I know these guys, they're either people I met online through dating sites, or met as friends and started dating. In the beginning, they come off as alpha males but for some reason, they start showing their childish sides, and then their insecurities come out.

 

I thought being a good girlfriend was to be sweet and to be empathetic, but I guess I went about it the wrong way.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hey Tara thanks. I guess I don't really know how to handle these type of scenarios, and that's why I always revert to doing what I've been in the past- going into mother mode and doing my best to be there for the people I'm with.

I hope my post didn't come off as overly harsh. But as the saying goes, if you're doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results....

 

It's a hard habit to break.

But (and I really don't mean this as any disrespect to guys, because I'm sure we women have a set, ingrained behavioural trait) guys seem to revert to 'little boy lost' when they sense they have a woman who will coddle them and be there to prop them up.

Sometimes it's charming.

But if it goes on, it becomes tiresome, irritating and draining.

 

As you seem to have discovered.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to check your thought-pattern when faced with a situation that turns your gorgeous hunk into a limp wimp.

 

observe what your instinctive response would be - then decide whether it's appropriate or healthy: For you, for him and for the relationship.

 

In the beginning, they come off as alpha males but for some reason, they start showing their childish sides, and then their insecurities come out.

Again, please don't think I'm blaming you, but if they receive a particular response, possibly you're encouraging them to be big kids? They feel safe being vulnerable with you, and give up the 'big he-man' persona, and as you say, revert to 'little boy lost' childish mode.

 

I thought being a good girlfriend was to be sweet and to be empathetic, but I guess I went about it the wrong way.

Trial and error.

Sometimes, the sweet empathetic good girlfriend needs to borrow a size 12 pair of military-issue hobnail boots and land a well-aimed kick up little boy lost's backside....

[fitnessfan365]

If it's happening with "every" guy that you date, a key factor in that is you're choosing them. So maybe you need to readjust your picker.

 

But I can't stand whiny people that complain all the time. Confidence and being secure are two things that I find most attractive in a woman. If a woman believes in herself, and likes to strut her stuff around me, that is so hot.

[xpaperxcutx]

I hope my post didn't come off as overly harsh. But as the saying goes, if you're doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results....

 

It's a hard habit to break.

But (and I really don't mean this as any disrespect to guys, because I'm sure we women have a set, ingrained behavioural trait) guys seem to revert to 'little boy lost' when they sense they have a woman who will coddle them and be there to prop them up.

Sometimes it's charming.

But if it goes on, it becomes tiresome, irritating and draining.

 

As you seem to have discovered.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to check your thought-pattern when faced with a situation that turns your gorgeous hunk into a limp wimp.

 

observe what your instinctive response would be - then decide whether it's appropriate or healthy: For you, for him and for the relationship.

 

 

Again, please don't think I'm blaming you, but if they receive a particular response, possibly you're encouraging them to be big kids? They feel safe being vulnerable with you, and give up the 'big he-man' persona, and as you say, revert to 'little boy lost' childish mode.

 

Trial and error.

Sometimes, the sweet empathetic good girlfriend needs to borrow a size 12 pair of military-issue hobnail boots and land a well-aimed kick up little boy lost's backside....

 

Taramaiden, you are right about alot of things, and I don't think you're being hard on me. I know I have alot of things about myself that I need to improve on, and I have no problem working that.

 

It's just that this thing with my guy is relatively new to me. Last night he told me he was lonely and that he felt like a huge failure. I didn't know how to respond to that so I told him that he shouldn't have to look for external validation. He doesn't have alot of friends, and I told him to just make new friends but he said he's been so shy lately.

 

I don't know what to do. I tried to be a shoulder for him to lean on, but I do not want to be his crutch, and the insecurities he's showing, is becoming a huge turn off to me.

[Qboro90]

I have to agree with the posts above that suggest you are enabling these men. That's not to say you cannot be a loving supportive girlfriend and support your man emotionally when you see or know he is feeling down. However... I caution you if these men are regularly needing that much validation and expression of your feelings towards them, then there is a problem. It would be different if your bf would go through a few "bummer" days here and there. Everyone has their good days and bad, that's normal. But when it's constant and these men and your current bf are demoralizing themselves and putting themselves down, then you should notice there's an issue. You're also helping them know that you will stand by them no matter what as they continue to be complacent and trudge down the same depressing road they've been on. You need to let them know that "yea actually you do need to make some changes because I don't want to date Mr.Down on Himself all the time" . And yea they should be worried that you'll get fed up and leave. By "mothering" them you're giving them an out and also putting guilt on yourself. "Oh I can't leave him or put pressure on him because he confided in me that he's unhappy with his current job/living situation/looks etc. They're trapping you and you're stepping into it willingly. They have the easy job of not doing anything different to better themselves or your relationship while you're the one assuring them of your love. It should be the other way around. If they're worried about losing you then say "yea you better step it up or have a spectacular date planned because I can't coddle you forever". I want a boyfriend, not a son project.

[mystikmind2005]

Took me a while to learn that insecurity has a strong self for-filling element to it.

 

Eventually i realized that insecurity provides no benefit at all, it is far better to believe in yourself and your relationships and be shocked by failure than to live in fear of failure.

[joseb]

I hope my post didn't come off as overly harsh. But as the saying goes, if you're doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results....

Yip - that's exactly what I was thinking.

 

Something needs to change.

 

Either your selection process that seems to result in guys like these and/or look into what you are doing that might be enabling these guys.

[spriggan2]

Crap. I'm definitely one of these insecure guys, sort of dating a successful girl who seems way too good for me. Thanks to this post I realize I've been doing a fair amount of insecure whining. Not a ton though.

 

I just dont understand what you're supposed to do if you feel totally inadequate? I don't want her to be with me out of sympathy, if she's not enjoying herself, and the uncertainty just eats away at you.

 

I don't agree with this "mothering" comparison. I have no qualms about my self worth or self worthlessness. I dont need the girl to boost my self-esteem. I simply want to be reassured that she is happy with me. That's all.

[TaraMaiden2]

Crap. I'm definitely one of these insecure guys, sort of dating a successful girl who seems way too good for me. Thanks to this post I realize I've been doing a fair amount of insecure whining. Not a ton though.

 

I just dont understand what you're supposed to do if you feel totally inadequate? I don't want her to be with me out of sympathy, if she's not enjoying herself, and the uncertainty just eats away at you.

 

I don't agree with this "mothering" comparison. I have no qualms about my self worth or self worthlessness. I dont need the girl to boost my self-esteem. I simply want to be reassured that she is happy with me. That's all.

 

And how's she going to do that, if you can't be happy with yourself?

 

If you're insecure, whining, and feel inadequate (your words, not mine) what qualities can you cultivate to overcome and eliminate those aspects, so that she gets a fair package and representation of who you are/want to be, rather than a poor and weakened second-best?

If you want reassurance that she is happy with you, what are you doing for yourself that would guarantee her being happy?

 

Took me a while to learn that insecurity has a strong self for-filling element to it....

 

('Self fulfilling'....)

[Halcyon]

Crap. I'm definitely one of these insecure guys, sort of dating a successful girl who seems way too good for me. Thanks to this post I realize I've been doing a fair amount of insecure whining. Not a ton though.

 

I just dont understand what you're supposed to do if you feel totally inadequate? I don't want her to be with me out of sympathy, if she's not enjoying herself, and the uncertainty just eats away at you.

 

I don't agree with this "mothering" comparison. I have no qualms about my self worth or self worthlessness. I dont need the girl to boost my self-esteem. I simply want to be reassured that she is happy with me. That's all.

 

Second last line is a contradiction you say you don't need a girl to boost your self esteem then proceed to say you need her to boost your self esteem... It's not her job to make you feel secure in yourself, that is your problem. If you need her to tell you every 5 minutes that's shes happy with you she will resent you and your insecurity will push her away.

 

She is with you because she wants to be by having you question her constantly with things like 'you are too good for me' or 'Are you sure you are happy with me?' you are actually kind of insulting her judgement. You are saying are you sure you made the right choice and if you say it or at least extrude that aura of inadequacy she will eventually think she made the wrong choice. Anyway got derailed here.

 

@OP Unfortunately there is not a huge amount you can do when guys (and girls) are insecure like this. They have to fix themselves which is usually a very long drawn out process. You being there as a crutch actually doesn't help it enables them I've learnt this from friends who are like this and a couple of my exes there is not really much you can do either accept them for who they are or move on. I chose the later which sounds harsh but I hate co-dependence, massive insecurity and clingyness.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't think it's necessarily a question of 'either/or'... acceptance or rejection.

I think as with all things it helps initially to try to find a balance, an equilibrium, a solution to a repeated problem that actually benefits everyone.

 

At some point or another, we all have need of support, comfort, company and sustenance.

 

To follow this route, without any leeway for modification -

 

here is not really much you can do either accept them for who they are or move on. I chose the latter which sounds harsh but I hate co-dependence, massive insecurity and clingyness.

...

May mean in the end, when YOU need a shoulder to lean on, and some kind of appreciative validation, there will be no-one there to fill that role....

[Halcyon]

I don't think it's necessarily a question of 'either/or'... acceptance or rejection.

I think as with all things it helps initially to try to find a balance, an equilibrium, a solution to a repeated problem that actually benefits everyone.

 

At some point or another, we all have need of support, comfort, company and sustenance.

 

To follow this route, without any leeway for modification -

 

...

May mean in the end, when YOU need a shoulder to lean on, and some kind of appreciative validation, there will be no-one there to fill that role....

 

Balance is what I'm talking about. Having a partner that constantly questions why you are with them because they aren't good enough for you (in their opinion) is not balance.

 

Of course I'm supportive of my partners when they need it but if it what seems like a never ending drawn out event such as papercut is indicating she is feeling sad as a result I've been there myself. There is a point where you have to decide if this is going to be something you can deal with for a long time if these are deeply ingrained issues or if it's better to move on. A lot of people would say that is selfish I imagine but you have to look out for yourself.

 

That is actually a real problem for me, I don't know how to rely on other people. It's something that I've been working quite hard on the few years or so knowing how to ask people for help. I'm the person my friends and family turn to when they need help, it's very draining for me but they have always been there for me so I do what I can.

[TaraMaiden2]

Balance is what I'm talking about. Having a partner that constantly questions why you are with them because they aren't good enough for you (in their opinion) is not balance.

 

Of course I'm supportive of my partners when they need it but if it what seems like a never ending drawn out event such as papercut is indicating she is feeling sad as a result I've been there myself. There is a point where you have to decide if this is going to be something you can deal with for a long time if these are deeply ingrained issues or if it's better to move on. A lot of people would say that is selfish I imagine but you have to look out for yourself.

 

That is actually a real problem for me, I don't know how to rely on other people. It's something that I've been working quite hard on the few years or so knowing how to ask people for help. I'm the person my friends and family turn to when they need help, it's very draining for me but they have always been there for me so I do what I can.

 

I can equate with the above bolded section....

 

It's a dilemma.

You're seen as strong, independent, "worldly-wise" competent and confident individual.... so people are drawn to those strengths.

 

But what do those individuals do, when the scatological matter connects violently with the hi-speed rotating ventilator....?

 

I sometimes stop and have to think to myself:

 

"Can I deal with this on my own?

Do I have to?"

[d0nnivain]

I do not know what to do except to constantly reassure him that he is a wonderful guy and that he is working towards his goals. I mean what more can do? I can't speak to him or give him advice that other guys can. I can't give him any more encouragement than I currently can because he, like any other guy, is prideful. What exactly can I do? Can I suggest him to see a therapist?

 

I dated a guy like this. Finally in exasperation I said something along the lines of

 

You always say I'

m

so

perfect & together. I think you are just fine but your constant self doubt is getting on my nerves. Here's the thing, if you can't believe in yourself, believe in me. I think you are are fine. You think I'

m

perfect -- I'

m

not but since you think that -- if I think you are fine you must be fine. Now shut up already. If you are that miserable, change what you hate about yourself but seriously if you don't stop with this insecure

BS

-- that not any of the things you find substandard about yourself -- will drive me away.

He got his act together, got a job, started working out & stopped the need for constant validation for the most part. It still came up every fortnight or so but that was still better than daily.

[Els]

I don't think someone is necessarily 'very insecure' if they are unhappy about living with their parents and not having any money or friends - it's possible that they just feel that they aren't in the right place to be a good partner right now.

 

I also don't think there IS anything else you can do, he just needs to try harder to work on the things that are making him unhappy for his own sake. You could be the best partner in the world but he would still be unhappy if his living situation and lack of money is making him miserable.