learnbyliving Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Shared values and life philosophies, similar sense of humour, easygoing and supportive towards each other and rarely argued, strong physical connection, able to find joy with each other in mundane life. Both were ~a year out of turbulent relationships when we first started dating, we both especially appreciated having a calm partner with a sense of humour. We had dated for six months. Yet in the end, everything I thought was important in relationship was not enough. I was told even in the highs, they knew there was a limit and they could not see it building up any more due to not having enough shared interests. We had no problem passing and enjoying time together because we shared "mental" interests (e.g. similar taste in TV, movies, books, conversation topics) and a strong physical connection. But for them it was important to have shared hobbies, which I accept but am having a hard time dealing with. I admit I have a lot of interests but few hobbies to DO. We spent a lot of time walking, exploring eats/drink places and watching things. I always thought it was more important to enjoy each other in the face of mundane life. We both like camping and hiking but can't get out of the city every weekend. We can't be trying new and exciting things all the time? I think I'll have an easier time letting the person go compared to dealing with the idea that common interests trump common values and comfort/joy in each other. Edited June 14, 2015 by learnbyliving
dumbass2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 My guess would be that "common interests" wasn't the only reason. Sounds like there was enough there on the surface. How long were you two together? Any more specifics you can give that might help? Bottom line is, when we are broken up with we are rarely ever told the real reasons and when we look back after time we may see some of the possibilities, but only the person that left us truly knows why. 1
Author learnbyliving Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) They are a decent person and did lay it on the line: "they were not ready for another committed relationship". Except I never put any pressure on it and was willing to let things evolve organically. While I know that is a big factor, they also made the common interests aspect sound like a huge deal. As in I got the distinct impression they would have been ready for another committed relationship if only we had more common interests. I specifically got the "not the right person" kind of talk. If it was mostly about their state of mind, I really wish they would have not brought up this common hobbies angle. Edited June 14, 2015 by learnbyliving
dumbass2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 what are these "common interests" that you didn't have that were so important to her and are we talking about to two separate relationships that where pretty much the same and "they" both broke up for the same reason?
Author learnbyliving Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Sorry, I have a tendency to write they to sound gender neutral. No I'm talking about one relationship, six months. I'm the girl. What are his interests? See that's what throws me for a loop. They are mundane things like cooking, going to the gym. We did both together occasionally but we're on different levels in terms of passion and skill. Is that really so important? We spent a lot of time together, he mostly initiated, I doubt anyone can fake happiness that well, so I'm pretty sure we had good times. Yet it's not enough. I guess I'm not posting so much to figure out why we didn't work out, but posting to ask if other people really place a big deal on sharing hobbies.
mandymor Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Shared values and life philosophies, similar sense of humour, easygoing and supportive towards each other and rarely argued, strong physical connection, able to find joy with each other in mundane life. Both were ~a year out of turbulent relationships when we first started dating, we both especially appreciated having a calm partner with a sense of humour. We had dated for six months. Yet in the end, everything I thought was important in relationship was not enough. I was told even in the highs, they knew there was a limit and they could not see it building up any more due to not having enough shared interests. We had no problem passing and enjoying time together because we shared "mental" interests (e.g. similar taste in TV, movies, books, conversation topics) and a strong physical connection. But for them it was important to have shared hobbies, which I accept but am having a hard time dealing with. I admit I have a lot of interests but few hobbies to DO. We spent a lot of time walking, exploring eats/drink places and watching things. I always thought it was more important to enjoy each other in the face of mundane life. We both like camping and hiking but can't get out of the city every weekend. We can't be trying new and exciting things all the time? I think I'll have an easier time letting the person go compared to dealing with the idea that common interests trump common values and comfort/joy in each other. It sounds like there is something else that was wrong. I'm sure you've heard opposites attract. When I was dating I went out with quite a few guys that we hardly shared anything in common together. We had some of the same tastes in things, but we really didn't share any kind of hobbies. But that wasn't the reason why we parted ways. There were even a few where we started trying to take up hobbies together. It just doesn't seem like something you would break up over.
foolinlove79 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Common interests is bull****!! I reckon my ex should date himself. He expects his partner to have all the same interests and also like all the same people. To me its ridiculous that 2 people are going to be that alike. And even if you are it doesnt mean there wont be issues in other areas.
BC1980 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Lack of common interests don't break up a relationship. That is total BS and used as an excuse for the breakup.
Author learnbyliving Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Yeah ok, seems like it was mostly an excuse and he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. I latched onto that excuse trying to rationalize it, when I just need to accept we weren't on the same page in the relationship. All the affection, attention and time spent led me to think otherwise but I guess some people are able to put on all the show without actually emotionally committing. 1
dumbass2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Yeah ok, seems like it was mostly an excuse and he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. I latched onto that excuse trying to rationalize it, when I just need to accept we weren't on the same page in the relationship. All the affection, attention and time spent led me to think otherwise but I guess some people are able to put on all the show without actually emotionally committing. Yes this true. I have found this out. Some people, maybe because of their past, who knows, do have a problem allowing themselves to get too emotionally involved. Maybe a bad past relationship. Something from their up bringing. Bottom line is that you need to find someone now (and you will) that is emotionally available. Hopefully you start to see signs of this early on (I know I missed some red flags) and don't invest too much of yourself early on and get too hurt. Biggest thing you can do now is to tell yourself you gave what you could and it didn't work. Common interests was not the reason. Find someone that is ready and wants what you want. I'm trying to do that know while there was still so much I loved about my ex. It's not easy, but in the end, both partners need to be on the same page.
Author learnbyliving Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Biggest thing you can do now is to tell yourself you gave what you could and it didn't work. Common interests was not the reason. Find someone that is ready and wants what you want. I'm trying to do that know while there was still so much I loved about my ex. It's not easy, but in the end, both partners need to be on the same page. Thanks for talking me through this, I appreciate it so much. It's so painful to think about all the ways he was good for me and how I want to look for the same traits in the next person, without falling into the trap of obsessively analyzing why they just didn't feel the same.
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