I Feel Like I'm in Deep Trouble

[Thermals]

I have been dating someone for 3 weeks, but have known her for 4 weeks since we texted extensively for one week when she was away on vacation. But, my attraction to her comes and goes. She's 6 years older than me. I'm 36.

 

The day I met her I was attracted to her. Then on the first date I wasn't.

 

She texted me after the first date and asked why I hadn't contacted her the day after. I started apologizing and making excuses and said that I enjoyed being with her and asked her out again. I thought that having recently come off of anti-depressants was messing with my moods and with my head and feelings so I gave it another chance.

 

But then again, perhaps my lack of assertiveness and fear of hurting her feelings is coming back to haunt me. Or, perhaps I simply enjoyed the intimacy. I don't know.

 

For the most part, when I'm with her I feel good about talking to her, about being in her company. We joke, we have fun, we enjoy being with each other.

 

She adores me and makes me feel wanted, but then again she had also asked me -- on the third date -- if I wanted kids, how I felt about monogamy and how I felt about being exclusive.

 

I feel bad as I feel I'm wasting her time since I'm not entirely attracted to her.

 

When I'm away from her, I enjoy our phone conversations. When she opens the door and I walk into her apartment, I feel bad about lacking the enthusiasm and the spark of having just arrived and seen her. A few hours later I feel better about myself when she's in my arms and we're making out or having sex. Suddenly she seems more attractive to me. When she's lying in bed, she looks like she did in some of her pictures when she was in her early 30s.

 

Does this mean I'm just staying with her because I'm lonely, or because the anti-depressant withdrawal is messing with my head, or because I'm simply not attracted to her and just enjoy the sex?

 

I don't know what to think of it all. It's confusing me, but I want to do the right thing. At the same time, I'm afraid of missing out on what could possibly become a great relationship.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Thermals

[mongo]

1. why are you on antidepressants?

2. why are you dating an old lady?

3. why are you trying to make important decisions in your compromised psychological state?

4. why in the HELL is she bringing up kids when youve only been dating for 3 weeks?

 

youre getting caught in a trap dude.

[J21]

You pretty much stated it plain as day: "I feel I'm wasting her time since I'm not entirely attracted to her."

 

If you're having these thoughts it's probably better to end it now rather than string her along. Eventually you're gonna lose the spark and newness of the relationship, and the subtle "uncertainty/unattractiveness" you're having will grow louder and louder.

[Thermals]

I should add that I do find many of her qualities to be very attractive. She's thoughtful, she's smart, she's well-grounded, she's assertive, she knows what she wants, she's compassionate, she's caring and accommodating and above all she's considerate.

 

She makes me feel comfortable with who I am. She's made me feel more at east and confident in talking about my own issues and past with people I consider to be friends, people I kept at an arms length before I met her.

 

I find these qualities to be endearing and unique. We went on a date yesterday and I had a great time being with her. We talk about all kinds of subjects, we laugh, we have chemistry and she has a great giggle.

[Thermals]

1. why are you on antidepressants?

2. why are you dating an old lady?

3. why are you trying to make important decisions in your compromised psychological state?

4. why in the HELL is she bringing up kids when youve only been dating for 3 weeks?

 

youre getting caught in a trap dude.

 

 

You're being too judgmental. Being on anti-depressants doesn't mean my state of mind is "compromised".

 

And what's wrong with dating an older lady?

 

"youre getting caught in a trap dude." A trap setup by whom? Are you judging her without even knowing her?

[Thermals]

You pretty much stated it plain as day: "I feel I'm wasting her time since I'm not entirely attracted to her."

 

If you're having these thoughts it's probably better to end it now rather than string her along. Eventually you're gonna lose the spark and newness of the relationship, and the subtle "uncertainty/unattractiveness" you're having will grow louder and louder.

 

Suppose I choose to end it, what do I say to her?

[mynailpolishchipped]

You are being dishonest if you are not attracted to her and yet continue to date. It is not fair to use her to temporarily fill your void.

 

That being said, I've been guilty of the same. Directly after my separation, I dated a man for a few months that I knew, from the beginning, was not what I considered attractive. I planned to end it dozens of times, but then I would chicken out. When he mentioned marriage, I grew so distant, he could tell something was wrong and pressured me until I was forced to tell him I wasn't interested in any permanence with him.

 

So, I'm not judging. Breaking up sucks-on both ends.

 

I would just tell her you are not ready for anything serious. She will know this isn't true, and the conversation will be terrible, but you really don't have a choice. What if you continue on allowing this to happen and end up married to someone who inspires no more than friendship in you? I know that may seem ludricous to some readers, but I am so passive, I could believe it happening to me...and others.

 

Bite the bullet! Have a beer or two (or a few glasses of wine) and rip that bandaid off.

[mynailpolishchipped]

The reason I replied to that thread because I was talking to myself, too, because I believe I am making the same mistake again, and I have asked myself some of the same questions you asked in your original post. My issue isn't a lack of attraction this time, but rather the fact that I am ready for something more serious and my partner is not. I know I need to end it, because if he was "in to me" he would want a more serious relationship (so I am sort of in the same position as your lady friend,) but I keep talking myself out of it. (Maybe it's my aderol? Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I'm being too pushy? Maybe I could wait a little longer? But I enjoy being with him. But he does such meaningful things when he IS with me. But, but, but...)

 

So, just to emphasize, I am not judging. I'm trying to talk myself into taking action.

[jen1447]

2. why are you dating an old lady?

No doubt bc he's an old man. Who's he supposed to date, children?

[Cinnimon]

36 and 42 are considered old people??

Now that's funny.....

[jen1447]

I found it more interesting that 42 was considered old but 36 wasn't,

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I don't know what to think of it all. It's confusing me, but I want to do the right thing. At the same time, I'm afraid of missing out on what could possibly become a great relationship.

 

Why on Earth would you consider dumping a woman you say yourself could possibly turn into a great relationship because of a bunch of morons on an online forum who don't know you or the woman in question from Adam told you to?

Edited June 14, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[J21]

Suppose I choose to end it, what do I say to her?

I am not advocating you end it or continue. The choice is yours. I don't know the details of the entire relationship and how you feel.

 

But just to answer your question, I would just keep it generic.

 

"I enjoyed meeting you and spending time with you, but I don't think the chemistry is there to continue something long term."

 

Succinct and exactly to the point.

[mongo]

I found it more interesting that 42 was considered old but 36 wasn't,

 

42 is over the hill for a female. he could find somebody younger and hotter to date. besides hes wasting his time with somebody he doesnt want anyway. prolly why hes on antidepressants cuz he has to listen to her crap.

[Thermals]

42 is over the hill for a female. he could find somebody younger and hotter to date. besides hes wasting his time with somebody he doesnt want anyway. prolly why hes on antidepressants cuz he has to listen to her crap.

 

 

Just because you're miserable doesn't give you the right to project your own frustrations onto other people. If you had simply bothered to read the information contained within my thread -- without jumping to conclusions and making wild assumptions -- you would have seen the error of your way.

[Thermals]

Why on Earth would you consider dumping a woman you say yourself could possibly turn into a great relationship because of a bunch of morons on an online forum who don't know you or the woman in question from Adam told you to?

 

 

You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

[MGX]

Why on Earth would you consider dumping a woman you say yourself could possibly turn into a great relationship because of a bunch of morons on an online forum who don't know you or the woman in question from Adam told you to?

 

You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

Thermals has this "iffy" attitude toward the woman in question. People don't like "iffy".

[Popsicle]

If you are ambivalent, abort the mission.

[Cinnimon]

42 is over the hill for a female. he could find somebody younger and hotter to date. besides hes wasting his time with somebody he doesnt want anyway. prolly why hes on antidepressants cuz he has to listen to her crap.

 

I love it when I hear this said lol. I Just turned 50 and am hotter and in better shape than most 30 year olds. You shouldn't judge women based on what your family members look like...... Just sayin

[Thermals]

I broke it off a week ago. Now I feel like I might have made a mistake. At the time she asked me if I felt relief, I said that I did but that it was quickly gone. She asked how come, I explained that in the last couple of weeks I felt like she had become my best friend. "So why then, do you want to end it?" She asked. She pressed me and I told her about the attractiveness part, that it was coming and going.

 

I've been looking at her pictures in the last couple of days and thinking to myself that I find her cute. I miss her and I miss talking to her.

[Vercetti]

No one looks 100% in every situation. Sure it's not a fear of things moving fast, even talk of kids that has you hot and cold? You're looking at a potentially long term mature relationship, a major life choise. Fear can manifest in many ways. You should talk with her, not us her. The positives you described could lead to future regret if don't.

[neowulf]

I broke it off a week ago. Now I feel like I might have made a mistake. At the time she asked me if I felt relief, I said that I did but that it was quickly gone. She asked how come, I explained that in the last couple of weeks I felt like she had become my best friend. "So why then, do you want to end it?" She asked. She pressed me and I told her about the attractiveness part, that it was coming and going.

 

I've been looking at her pictures in the last couple of days and thinking to myself that I find her cute. I miss her and I miss talking to her.

 

I think everyone goes through this after a break up.

 

It's not always easy to go back to flying solo. It's *nice* being in a relationship, having someone to share yourself and your life with.

 

That said, you've got to take the long view. It sounds like you're not really in a great place in your own life right now. Using her to distract you from your problems isn't fair on her.

 

If you really care about her, as a person, don't play games with her. Let her go.

[Versacehottie]

I was going to say that depressed people are often never happy with what they've "got" and often looking for some-thing that validates and fills the emptiness. I wish I had read your post before you broke up with her just so you could consider that point of view and see if there were any reoccurring patterns of that in your life. That said, I don't know the answer because if you truly have bouts with feelings attracted to her and then not, it's not fair to her. And would make for a bad relationship. I do think it's a possibility that the "spark" you feel missing is within yourself and would apply in most situations.

 

Also she almost sounds too accommodating, that will kill a spark as well, regardless of her looks (age?). You don't sound like you appreciate her though

[Thermals]

 

Also she almost sounds too accommodating, that will kill a spark as well, regardless of her looks (age?). You don't sound like you appreciate her though

 

 

Can you please explain what you mean by that?

[Thermals]

I was going to say that depressed people are often never happy with what they've "got" and often looking for some-thing that validates and fills the emptiness. I wish I had read your post before you broke up with her just so you could consider that point of view and see if there were any reoccurring patterns of that in your life.

 

 

I had those suspicions, too. I came off of anti-depressants because my life conditions have changed.

 

At the same time, I have always -- my entire life -- felt that I was missing something in life that could make me happy. I have yet, for example, to have a long-term relationship, a healthy, meaningful long term relationship.

 

My hope was always that once I do have that long-term relationship, my life would be complete and I would be happy.

 

But now I'm wondering if I'll ever be happy even if I find myself in such a relationship. I wonder that because no matter what I'm doing, I have a hard time enjoying it without over analyzing it or over thinking it or over worrying about the next moment or the next hour.

 

If I were to go back to her, I think she'll take me back, but it's going to require a lot of work on my part. And, I'll have to show more of a commitment at that stage.