Reysa09 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Please don't call me stupid, weak, naïve, or desperate... The truth is...im confused. I met this man, about a year ago. (LDR about one hour and 30 mins) It was a former friend of mine's cousin. We hit it off and started dating. He told me from the jump that he was 'legally separated' since 2010 and said that him and his wife don't speak at all. I believed him. He introduced me to his family, and started spending time with me. We started having sex. The first few times I was a little skeptical about him. First of all he has been in the military for 12 years and he claimed this was the reason that he hasn't divorced his now EX wife because of his rank. Then I found out that months prior to us even meeting, his wife was staying with him. She had also called his phone a few times while me and him were laying in bed together...along with some other woman that he claimed was just a good FRIEND.... At this point I decided to keep my options open. He broke up with me and we got back together when he found out I was still "only chatting" with other men. Then I found out that one of his so called FRIENDS over stepped her boundaries and I found out that her and her kids stayed the night at his house. We broke up shortly after and was on a 6-month BREAK. During our break, I was seeing someone new, and he was still dealing with that so called FRIEND...She was claiming they were dating and eventually he stopped talking to her. Shortly after, MARCH 2015, we started dating again. Everything was perfect. He has just got out of the Army and he is starting school in August in Orlando FL, so we were trying to strengthen our relationship before he left. Unfortunatley, I found out that he was still keeping "communication open" with this so called friend. At this point, I am very confused. Why couldn't he let this woman go for me ? How come shes always in the picture ? If he truly loved and wanted to be with this woman, wouldn't he have committed to her by now ? (By the way, they've been friends for YEARS) Me being the woman I am, I tried to look past it and work out kinks...even though our relationship has been CRAP since the beginning...and I fell in love with the man. He now tells me that he wants to be ALONE, and he wants me to mature and stop being insecure, looking for stuff...etc. Yet he sees nothing that hes done wrong. There has been plenty of nights ive cried to him asking him to fix our problems in our relationship but he just ignores me. He texts me from time to time to see how im doing but that's it ! When I try to contact him, he just gives me his A S S to kiss. Its not right. I feel like im not good enough for him. I just want to know why he treats me so bad. I know I deserve better but where do I start ? Im confused and he makes a lot of things difficult for me. I don't know what to do at this point. Im a wreck.
Jessie1231 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 He treats you badly because you keep letting him. If you had self esteem, you would have walked away a long time ago instead of hoping this guy will change and suddenly care how you feel. Keep acting like a doormat and he will keep treating you like one. 2
xpaperxcutx Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Being in love with a guy does not mean you have to stay with him. Being treated badly by a man you love means that he does not love you in return. His actions confirm he is not the right guy for you. 1
ascendotum Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Unfortunatley, I found out that he was still keeping "communication open" with this so called friend. At this point, I am very confused. Why couldn't he let this woman go for me ? How come shes always in the picture ? If he truly loved and wanted to be with this woman, wouldn't he have committed to her by now ? (By the way, they've been friends for YEARS) She is a single mom. He very likely does not want to be involved in anything serious with her, so they are on/off again gf/bf or just FWB (in his eyes but she might think its a relationship). As to why she is still in the picture..maybe she is a yummy mommy or maybe she is a kinky wild thing in bed and while she is on the scene and willing to please he still enjoys her. With you being 1.5 hrs away I guess you don't see him most nights so he has ability to manage both of you, and since you feel you are not good enough for him and crying over him, he can get away with it.
markleymassraff Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Okay, my situation isn't similar in context to yours at all. But there is one commonality: I also was/am in love with a bad guy. When you're in a love with a guy who does not treat you well, you have to say this to yourself and mean it and live it: "I love you, but I love me more." Things with my "bad guy" ended on Feb. 5th or so. I "hung on" for three months. I didn't make a fool of myself or anything, but I stayed on his radar (friendly with him) hoping he'd become interested in me again...until May 5th. Then I finally cut him out. I reminded myself of the whole "I love you but I love me more" thing. And I feel better about things now. Even though I miss him and still am kind of in love with him, well, just the act of cutting him out has done a lot for me. He is so attractive, and I miss him terribly, but...I can't allow someone to mistreat me. I just can't. Don't let it happen to you either. Cut these motherf*ckers out. There are some people in this world who can't help reward bad behaviors of guys that mistreat women, but you don't have to be one of them. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 You need to cut him right off. You don't value yourself and accept poor treatment. Start to recognize your own self-worth and stop enabling his behaviour. He only does it because you allow him to do it and come back to you when he wants. You are in control here. The bottom line is that you can't make someone commit if they don't want to. He doesn't want to.
Redhead14 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Please don't call me stupid, weak, naïve, or desperate... The truth is...im confused. I met this man, about a year ago. (LDR about one hour and 30 mins) It was a former friend of mine's cousin. We hit it off and started dating. He told me from the jump that he was 'legally separated' since 2010 and said that him and his wife don't speak at all. I believed him. He introduced me to his family, and started spending time with me. We started having sex. The first few times I was a little skeptical about him. First of all he has been in the military for 12 years and he claimed this was the reason that he hasn't divorced his now EX wife because of his rank. Then I found out that months prior to us even meeting, his wife was staying with him. She had also called his phone a few times while me and him were laying in bed together...along with some other woman that he claimed was just a good FRIEND.... At this point I decided to keep my options open. He broke up with me and we got back together when he found out I was still "only chatting" with other men. Then I found out that one of his so called FRIENDS over stepped her boundaries and I found out that her and her kids stayed the night at his house. We broke up shortly after and was on a 6-month BREAK. During our break, I was seeing someone new, and he was still dealing with that so called FRIEND...She was claiming they were dating and eventually he stopped talking to her. Shortly after, MARCH 2015, we started dating again. Everything was perfect. He has just got out of the Army and he is starting school in August in Orlando FL, so we were trying to strengthen our relationship before he left. Unfortunatley, I found out that he was still keeping "communication open" with this so called friend. At this point, I am very confused. Why couldn't he let this woman go for me ? How come shes always in the picture ? If he truly loved and wanted to be with this woman, wouldn't he have committed to her by now ? (By the way, they've been friends for YEARS) Me being the woman I am, I tried to look past it and work out kinks...even though our relationship has been CRAP since the beginning...and I fell in love with the man. He now tells me that he wants to be ALONE, and he wants me to mature and stop being insecure, looking for stuff...etc. Yet he sees nothing that hes done wrong. There has been plenty of nights ive cried to him asking him to fix our problems in our relationship but he just ignores me. He texts me from time to time to see how im doing but that's it ! When I try to contact him, he just gives me his A S S to kiss. Its not right. I feel like im not good enough for him. I just want to know why he treats me so bad. I know I deserve better but where do I start ? Im confused and he makes a lot of things difficult for me. I don't know what to do at this point. Im a wreck. "Please don't call me stupid, weak, naïve, or desperate..." Don't title a thread with the summation. I'd leave out the word stupid though. You are not stupid, you know exactly what the problem is. I'm being harsh, because that's what you need -- A kick in the rear end I know I deserve better but where do I start ? You start by moving on from this one and look into yourself to determine why it is that you've allowed all this go on. "he wants me to mature and stop being insecure, looking for stuff". -- This is what a man really wants. Start by being that kind of woman, not for him or any other man, but for yourself. Me being the woman I am -- Be the woman you can and should be. Not the one who is hanging on to someone who doesn't want you but will "keep" you around as a fall back girl for sex. I tried to look past it and work out kinks...even though our relationship has been CRAP since the beginning... -- A strong, secure, mature, independent woman doesn't look past so many negative things about a "relationship". I feel like im not good enough for him. -- Again, listen to what he's told you -- "he wants me to mature and stop being insecure, looking for stuff". Im confused and he makes a lot of things difficult for me. -- You're making things difficult for yourself. 2
Taramere Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Please don't call me stupid, weak, naïve, or desperate... Those are harsh labels. What I do suspect is that you and he have very different views of what this relationship is. That you want it to be proper, committed romantic partnership - and he doesn't. You're going to keep pushing for signs from him that it's a committed partnership, he's going to keep responding in (probably increasingly hurtful) ways that let you know he sees it as no such thing. We all think you should walk. However, your hesitation to do so is understandable. Old fashioned as it might be, I think people are still raised with a common perception that it's the man's job is to do the initial pursuing (inspired by lust)...then the woman's job to hold his interest and more (ie turn lust into love) and to make a proper, committed relationship out of the situation. Which you've tried to do, and you've had a lot of messages from him that you're not going to accomplish that goal with this particular guy. Discussions about "our relationship" only work where both people involved actually see themselves as being in a relationship with the other. If you're talking about "our relationship" with a guy who doesn't really want a proper, committed relationship with you, then all you're really doing is letting him know over and over again that you don't have a proper handle on the situation. That you're not reading his intentions towards you correctly. He won't respect you for it, and he certainly won't love you for it. However hard this is for you, it is absolutely not the end of the world. It's more like a very painful learning experience...and hopefully as a result of it, when you do find a man who actually wants a proper relationship with you, and is committed to making it work, you will embrace and enjoy it. But this is not the guy, and the more time and energy you invest into trying to transform him into the guy the more you're going to hurt. In all the circumstances, I would end it - and very abruptly. Not with any heart rending explanations or talks. The paltry substitute for a relationship that he has grudgingly extended (when he feels like it) doesn't merit any of that. Don't humiliate yourself by behaving as though this is a relationship when he has indicated to you over and over again that it really isn't, from his perspective. I guarantee you that he'll be perfectly smug and self righteous about this entire situation. He's got a woman continuing to pursue him for a relationship despite him having given clear messages that he's only prepared to offer her limited pseudo-relationship stuff. He'll boast about the situation to friends, and he'll proudly tell them "I've been honest and honourable. I've never misled her." In a nutshell, stop loving him. It is actually possible to shut those feelings down, but of course it's far from easy...and most people only start to do it when they've finally got the message that a relationship/person is a lost cause. As long as you refuse to find your way to that painful but ultimately freedom bestowing realisation (that you and he will never be a proper, committed couple) you're going to carry on experiencing this death by a thousand cuts. Edited June 14, 2015 by Taramere
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