justsounsure Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Well I'll make this a long story short because I wrote the whole post and then for some reason I got logged out. Anyway, I have been through many break ups in my life. But it's usually because of cheating, or excessive fighting, or one person falls out of love, etc. I have never been in a situation like I am now. We broke up not because we aren't insanely in love with one another, but because we don't want the same things out of life. Namely, she wants to live near her parents. (Keep in mind, we are in our 30s.) She had been living in my town for years when I met her (for work), and we met, fell in love, moved in together, talked future ... we both want kids. But then she suddenly realized about 8 months in that ultimately she wants to have kids, but she absolutely will not have children unless she lives close to parents, who still live back in her old hometown. I even told her that eventually we could move there, but not for at least a couple of years. I am on the fast-track to a huge career, and it makes no sense to drop it now. Not to mention, MY friends and family are here. But all of a sudden it became a pressing matter. She had to move close to them, and she had to do it now. So she left. No job, no nothing, just decided she was going to move there. We tried long distance for a little while, but I couldn't handle it. Not to mention, there seemed to be no end in the sight to the distance unless I moved there. She doesn't understand why I ended it. She doesn't understand why I refuse to be part of something where my partner is not making us the primary relationship in her life. She also really doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I won't just quit my job and move to her hometown so that we can be together. At one point she even told me that there is no relationship that could make her decide to ultimately live a life in a different city than her parents. The way I see it, the only choice to be with her would be to move there, and no matter what, it would turn into major resentment, solely because it would be basically be an ultimatum rather than a joint decision by two equal partners about their future together. She is heartbroken and so am I. We are being forced to let each other go because we want different things in life. I feel awful for ending it, and confused, because I don't even know if this is a mutual breakup, or if she actually ended it by moving, or what the hell to think. I don't know if I should feel rejected, or like this was my choice, or like we are just two very different people who can't make it work??? I don't know what type of responses I am looking for. I have tried to talk to friends about this, but no one really knows what to say because they haven't heard of a situation quite like this. I cry everyday. I miss my best friend and partner. But I just don't see what else I can do here other than accept this is what has happened, even though sometimes it make me completely utterly insane when I really think about it. It's really hard.
Fleur de cactus Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 It is not a wise decision she made, moving to her parents' town without job. Also, I dont think you just follow without being sure that you will have a secured job there. How is she going to support herself. Other people move because of work. They settle where they can have jobs and not where parents are. YOU are blessed to have a job where your parents are. I see that you both are family oriented. YOu cannot blame her for wanting to be close to her family, when you are doing the same. I think you could renegotiate again and find out the right thing to do with consideration to the future. If renegotiation is not possible, maybe you will go different directions and one is going to built the future with someone from own town. Anyway I wish you goo luck.
Author justsounsure Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 Thanks for the reply. I am staying in the town 100% because of my job. It's nice that I have family and friends here, but I agree, people go where the job is, not where their parents are. She does not agree with this.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 She did you a huge favor. I doubt things would have been rosy if you had moved out there.
Author justsounsure Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 She did you a huge favor. I doubt things would have been rosy if you had moved out there. My therapist 100% agrees. And I do too. I am just feeling such a loss. And truly just angry at the world, because we could have had a beautiful life together. It's just such a different break up situation than I've ever experienced. Don't even know how to navigate the grief.
mightycpa Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 The issue could be anything. Religion, children, family, whether or not to have a dog. That's not the important part. The important part is that whatever the deal really is, she's committed to it. You can't serve two masters, and she's chosen what is most important to her, and it ain't you. Usually, the choice is another guy. But in your case, it is a coordinate on a map somewhere. You've been dumped for a zipcode. Ouch! Sorry, my friend.
Author justsounsure Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Actually, it was for any zip code her parents are in. So, it was for her parents. But I appreciate the sympathy. And I suppose you could say the same thing of me: that I dumped her back because I refuse to just up and leave my job so we are both 2 unemployed adults, so long as we live near her parents. So I am dumping her for a job. Ouch. It's a little more complicated than that ... Edited June 14, 2015 by justsounsure
mightycpa Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 There you go... the answer I was looking for. You got it. Now all you have to do is understand it, and embrace it, and you're home free.
Author justsounsure Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 There you go... the answer I was looking for. You got it. Now all you have to do is understand it, and embrace it, and you're home free. To be quite honest, I really have no idea what you are getting at. I have accepted it, if that's what you mean by "embracing". Am I understanding it? Uhhh no, I'm not sure I ever will, as I would never choose to spend my adult life with my parents over my romantic partner, therefore, no, I don't understand that at all. Yes, I understand that obviously something is more important to her than us having a life together. Hence, why I have broken up with her. It's just not your typical "issue". If another romantic partner was more important to her, I'd be devastated, but I would understand that. But I guess since when I dream of my future adult life and having kids, my parents aren't the first thing that's on my mind, that's where my level of understanding kind of falls off. I can understand cheating, abuse, fighting ... All your typical reasons not to be together. This one just throws me for a loop, and I was coming here to see if other people have broken up simply over "values", and not loss of love on either side.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 'Values' IS 'loss of Love'. Or to put it more succinctly, it's diminution of love. It's putting you second. Her 'value' is more important than her love for you. ergo, the love is lacking. It is insufficient. It has 'lost'.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Are her parents elderly? Are they infirm? Are they subject to a particular condition or illness? is she entirely American, or is there an 'outside' culture at play here?
Author justsounsure Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Are her parents elderly? Are they infirm? Are they subject to a particular condition or illness? is she entirely American, or is there an 'outside' culture at play here? Tara - No No No Bingo! Yes, her parents are Latino immigrants. She was born here. So it's hard, because technically she is entirely American, but obviously she was raised within that culture. It's very interesting you thought about that. This is my first go-round with another culture. And I am being completely candid when I admit that I just don't get it. It hurts. And I don't know how to deal with it. This is why I somewhat reject the move lacking thing. I mean it may be true, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Edited June 14, 2015 by justsounsure
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I'm half-Italian, so I can relate. I don't agree with her, but I can see why she's behaving the way she is. Because culturally, 'Madre y Padre' come first. Her PoV: 'They gave me life, I owe them mine. It is to them I must first turn, because they helped me and guided me as a person growing up, so they must be my first priority. The time will come when they will need me and my help. I must prepare for that now, so that I can be immediately available when the time comes.' Is she an only child? If she is, or if she's the eldest, then you're onto a loss-leader from the get-go. You marry her, you marry her family. The two are inseparable. Not every woman with Latino blood is like this. The opposite extreme may also occur....some are quite defiant, and refuse to kow-tow to traditional cultural/family standards because it inhibits, restricts and controls them, and they want to break free from a life of possible oppression and secondary importance. She has chosen to conform to a familial tradition that states a child has to respect and honour, value and consider parental connection above everything else. This is where the loss of love comes in. because your love was always going to lose out to that dedicated to 'mamma y papa...'
mynailpolishchipped Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I am in a similar situation. I am very much in love with the man I am currently dating. However, I am ready to take the relationship to the next level, and he is not. He says his life is not in a state to enter into a more serous commitment level. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I am going to have to end it, not because I am unwilling to wait, but because there is an underlying problem here. He believes life has to be perfect for love to work. Life is never going to be perfect. There will always be obstacles and challenges. If we sit around waiting for things to be perfect, we will wait forever. These two very different perceptions of life would cause problems later on if we were to end up together...just like your two different set of values would have led to problems later on had you two remained together. Her parents would have always been in the background and would have always been a prominent factor in any decision you made. But, you made a choice, too. You chose your career. I am not saying that you are wrong, only that she wasn't wrong, either. (I think you know that, of course, or you would not have attributed the break up to different values.) I am sorry you are going through this. It is difficult.
Author justsounsure Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 I'm half-Italian, so I can relate. I don't agree with her, but I can see why she's behaving the way she is. Because culturally, 'Madre y Padre' come first. Her PoV: 'They gave me life, I owe them mine. It is to them I must first turn, because they helped me and guided me as a person growing up, so they must be my first priority. The time will come when they will need me and my help. I must prepare for that now, so that I can be immediately available when the time comes.' Wow Tara. Have you been a fly on our wall? She has probably given this exact speech to me before, verbatim. She is the eldest, and this is exactly her PoV, to the T. She wants to help get their finances in order, and make sure her mom takes her medicine every day, etc. I mean the way it comes across from her, her parents are completely helpless without her (which I know is bullsh*t, but it actually makes me view THEM as childish, the way she makes it seem). You are right, I was always going to come second, and she admitted that herself when she told me that there was no relationship on Earth that would change her stance on this. So, since I do not wish to give up everything that is me to go marry her family (which I just know would not make me happy. I am like the polar opposite of that culture - introverted, rarely drink, kind of non-social), I must break my own heart, and let her go. I know this. It is just so hard. At least in past breakups I could think of all the awful things about our relationship when trying to let go. I don't have that here. I just have this one (albeit major), difference in culture and value that stands in our way. It's surpringly harder to accept than any other reason I have ever been presented for break up. We were both crying so hard the last time we saw each other. It all just feels so wrong. And yet, it's happening. ;(
Author justsounsure Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Thanks for your input nail polish. It's comforting to hear that other people are having similar issues. I'm sorry that you have to go through this too.
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