recycledheart Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I suffer from terrible anxiety, which I go to counselling for - my boyfriend is aware of this. Every now and then, for about a week or so, my anxiety will skyrocket and I'll become very needy and nervous. A couple of weeks ago I went through one of these really bad patches, and even though it's pathetic, if I saw that my boyfriend had read my text but hadn't replied (we use iMessage) I'd start to freak out and think he didn't want to talk to me anymore, that I'd pissed him off, that he didn't want me anymore. I explained that to him, and he said he understood, he could see how that would make me feel, and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. We've been fine ever since, my anxiety has subsided and if he doesn't reply straight away I can understand that he's probably busy or whatever. I text him goodnight tonight, and he always, always replies to those straight away. But this time he didn't -I'm aware of how pathetic I was being, so you don't have to tell me. So I stupidly sent another text saying "Oh..." because he didn't reply. Eventually he said "Night night baby, what's wrong?xx" and then a few moments later, "Oh it's because I read your text and didn't reply instantly - I'm sorry x". I'm probably reading into it too much, but that message seems a little sarcastic, and I'm scared I've annoyed him. What do you guys think? Any tips for how I can move past this stupidity of mine?
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Have you been prescribed any anti-anxiety medication? You seriously need to be, otherwise you will eventually lose this guy. No his response does not sound sarcastic at all...he sounds genuinely sorry...and he did not even do anything wrong! He was sorry you felt anxious.. He seems to care about you a lot...try deep breathing, yoga, something. You need to relax! 1
Author recycledheart Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 I've been prescribed anti-anxiety meds before, but they actually made me worse, so my doctor was reluctant to prescribe me something else, hence the counselling. I know what I did was stupid, and I soon as I do something silly like that I instantly regret it - I can't seem to stop myself though :S
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 That fact that he apologized for not responding fast enough & triggering your anxiety shows he is one of the Good Guys and you are very lucky. Try to think about him logically instead of emotionally. Most other guys would not have figured out what was bothering you nor would they have been so understanding. Most people would react by allowing your behavior to drive them away Set a new rule for yourself & live by it: Everybody gets a full 24 hours -- yes I'm serious -- 1 full DAY to respond before you are allowed to panic.
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 (edited) I've been prescribed anti-anxiety meds before, but they actually made me worse, so my doctor was reluctant to prescribe me something else, hence the counselling. I know what I did was stupid, and I soon as I do something silly like that I instantly regret it - I can't seem to stop myself though :S Whenever I feel anxious I go for a run. Exercise helps ALOT! And yes you *can* help contacting him...unless you are compulsive too...I dunno u may be. About the meds, some meds will make it worse... so you try another until you find the right one. If you have GAD, General Anxiety Disorder....it should not be ignored. Extreme anxiety can be detrimental to people if not controlled. In the meantime, try yoga, meditation, lots of exercise.....self-discipline to control your urge to contact him seeking reassurance. You may not be able to control your anxiety... but you *can* control your urge to contact him...he should not be burdened with what is essentially your issue. You will lose him...he sounds like a saint...get help...don't blow this. Good luck. Edited June 13, 2015 by katiegrl
TheBathWater Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I suffer from terrible anxiety, which I go to counselling for - my boyfriend is aware of this. Every now and then, for about a week or so, my anxiety will skyrocket and I'll become very needy and nervous. A couple of weeks ago I went through one of these really bad patches, and even though it's pathetic, if I saw that my boyfriend had read my text but hadn't replied (we use iMessage) I'd start to freak out and think he didn't want to talk to me anymore, that I'd pissed him off, that he didn't want me anymore. I explained that to him, and he said he understood, he could see how that would make me feel, and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. We've been fine ever since, my anxiety has subsided and if he doesn't reply straight away I can understand that he's probably busy or whatever. I text him goodnight tonight, and he always, always replies to those straight away. But this time he didn't -I'm aware of how pathetic I was being, so you don't have to tell me. So I stupidly sent another text saying "Oh..." because he didn't reply. Eventually he said "Night night baby, what's wrong?xx" and then a few moments later, "Oh it's because I read your text and didn't reply instantly - I'm sorry x". I'm probably reading into it too much, but that message seems a little sarcastic, and I'm scared I've annoyed him. What do you guys think? Any tips for how I can move past this stupidity of mine? It's not stupidity. Attachment anxiety is a survival mechanism that, evolutionary speaking, is hardwired to prevent people we're close with from drifting too far. I think in situations like yours, its best to have a partner who understands this and is willing to be patient with you. I'm not sure how long the two of you have been together, or how old you two are, but I'd imagine that it will improve as you age and as the two of you continue your relationship. I'm not sure you can "move past" it, but I do believe being aware of it is incredibly helpful, and you already seem to be there.
TheBathWater Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Set a new rule for yourself & live by it: Everybody gets a full 24 hours -- yes I'm serious -- 1 full DAY to respond before you are allowed to panic. There is a difference between knowing and feeling, and one doesn't cancel out the other. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that giving a 24 hour period to respond will not work for her. She is emotionally driven, and her emotions will override any kind of self-talk logic she tries to use in that 24 hour period. She needs to 'work through' the feelings via the relationship itself, not alone in isolation. That will make it worse. - A psychotherapist
johndoe2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 There is a difference between knowing and feeling, and one doesn't cancel out the other. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that giving a 24 hour period to respond will not work for her. She is emotionally driven, and her emotions will override any kind of self-talk logic she tries to use in that 24 hour period. She needs to 'work through' the feelings via the relationship itself, not alone in isolation. That will make it worse. - A psychotherapist Hmm, I would think that knowing and understanding that an emotion is not rational is actually useful in preventing that emotion from dictating one's behavior. Keep in mind that the question at hand isn't simply one person's mental health, but the relationship between two people, and though a giving a 24 hour window won't make the anxiety go away, it will reduce the burden she imposes on her bf. And eventually, she may be able to internalize this 'rule' and get used to not caring about whether he responds instantly. I find that indulging one's anxiety attacks do not make them go away, but rather do the opposite. - Not a psychotherapist, but I did stay at a holiday in express last night. (please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers those commercials?)
TheBathWater Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Hmm, I would think that knowing and understanding that an emotion is not rational is actually useful in preventing that emotion from dictating one's behavior. Keep in mind that the question at hand isn't simply one person's mental health, but the relationship between two people, and though a giving a 24 hour window won't make the anxiety go away, it will reduce the burden she imposes on her bf. And eventually, she may be able to internalize this 'rule' and get used to not caring about whether he responds instantly. I find that indulging one's anxiety attacks do not make them go away, but rather do the opposite. - Not a psychotherapist, but I did stay at a holiday in express last night. (please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers those commercials?) I agree that could help change her behavior, but let's be clear: behavior modification changes behaviors, not internal personality structure. I believe she would continue to suffer, only now in silence. It could even create a barrier between them in communication. Yes, it is a relationship issue, and all the more reason to deal with it together than her alone. We are an individualistic culture, but that tends to work against us when it comes to complex relational dynamics. There's a saying by Harville Hendrix: "relationships are an opportunity to heal childhood wounds". In effect, he is already doing this with her. It just needs time, patience, and love.
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