Ellejay Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Is it a certain age that they wake up & realize that they need to do something about their life & think about their future? When did you guys want to quit your old lifestyle & settle down & have a family?
TheBathWater Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 (edited) Is it a certain age that they wake up & realize that they need to do something about their life & think about their future? When did you guys want to quit your old lifestyle & settle down & have a family? I was a womanizer all through my twenties, and my buddies back then were also womanizers. Most of us didn't want to be players, but we felt we had little choice based on how dating culture is set up for people. I had some fun, but it was mostly about not getting hurt the whole time. Often, me and the guys would talk about how we really just wanted to find one cool woman to hang onto. As I've aged, it seems more and more women are into hooking up, open relationships, and have no interest in commitment. I heard dating gets easier when you get older, but so far, I'm thinking it only gets worse. What changed for me though, in terms of giving up the old lifestyle and wanting to settle down, was a combination of things. After grad school, I realized my career was too demanding to NOT find a partner I could receive emotional support from. I was also basically an orphan since adolescence, and the idea of starting my own family was really appealing. Finally, I will say that I've always preferred relationships and commitment over hooking up, but realizing that the women in my age pool were also aging and thinking more seriously about the future now, I knew chances were (hopefully) better of finding someone else who wanted what I did. So, I've given up the lifestyle and have been looking for 'the one' for a few years now. I will say that the older I get, the less women (and men too) seem to know what trying to build a relationship requires. People really don't want to sacrifice anything or give up power, which relationships require. No one seems very happy. I've seriously started to wonder if it's hopeless and if I'll die alone. But I did change my ways and when I pursue women now, it's for love, not sex. Edited June 13, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine 1
MissBee Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 And some men who have womanizing ways never change, like my dad. Even though he "settled down" and got married he just became a serial cheater. Or some men never marry and live a bachelor life until old age. 1
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I'm glad you asked this question. My ex is almost 25, was married once before (for a very short time. He claims he was pressured into it and then she cheated), and talked about marriage but gradually started avoiding the subject. A week after our BU, he's talking to another girl long distance, and she seems very interested in having a very serious future with him. She also has a child. It would really hurt me immensely if he settled down with her, since he said he doesn't want a relationship "for a very long time", but they seem to be serious already. He's a bit of a partier, and didn't like a girlfriend tying him down. I don't know why he changed his mind about settling down with me, but already seems serious about this new girl. I guess what I'm saying is, why wasn't I worth settling down for, but he was already married once before and is moving at warp speed with his new chick? Sorry for kinda going off topic. It hurts.
johndoe2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I never had a 'wild youth.' I instead studied and worked hard all through high school and college and after. Made it to 23 without even going on a date. A part of me feels like I need to make up for lost time before I even consider something as serious as getting married; of course I doubt women will ever be lining to marry me in any case, so I suspect I'll end up being a permanent bachelor anyway.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) In one word? Kids. I have seen womanizers and guys who can get all kinds of girls give up those desires to even look at other women and it is because having children does something to you. Probably particularly having a daughter. I wouldn't know what that is because I don't have any. But there's something about having a family that changes you totally. I'm also always surprised when people who have kids and families post here all the time about petty relationship stuff, because that mentality of having a family is supposed to take you out of that. It's not the desire to settle down, or the marriage, but actually having the kids that takes the guys out of that 'always on the prowl' state. Edited June 14, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
johndoe2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 In one word? Kids. I have seen womanizers and guys who can get all kinds of girls give up those desires to even look at other women and it is because having children does something to you. Probably particularly having a daughter. I wouldn't know what that is because I don't have any. But there's something about having a family that changes you totally. I'm also always surprised when people who have kids and families post here all the time about petty relationship stuff, because that mentality of having a family is supposed to take you out of that. It's not the desire to settle down, or the marriage, but actually having the kids that takes the guys out of that 'always on the prowl' state. Fun fact: having children actually causes a man's testicles to shrink. Obviously it's due to a psychological response (a man's testicles don't 'know' if he has kids out there somewhere; it's only if he spends time with his children), but it happens. This is associated with lower sex drive. In terms of evolutionary biology, this makes fairly good sense: when a man is childless, he is primed to mate with as many women as possible to create offspring; once he has offspring, it then behooves him biologically to become invested in rearing those offspring he already has as opposed to creating more of them. 1
Sunlight72 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 I'm glad you asked this question. My ex is almost 25, was married once before (for a very short time. He claims he was pressured into it and then she cheated), and talked about marriage but gradually started avoiding the subject. A week after our BU, he's talking to another girl long distance, and she seems very interested in having a very serious future with him. She also has a child. It would really hurt me immensely if he settled down with her, since he said he doesn't want a relationship "for a very long time", but they seem to be serious already. He's a bit of a partier, and didn't like a girlfriend tying him down. I don't know why he changed his mind about settling down with me, but already seems serious about this new girl. I guess what I'm saying is, why wasn't I worth settling down for, but he was already married once before and is moving at warp speed with his new chick? Sorry for kinda going off topic. It hurts. Hi ColdandLonely, I'm sorry for your pain. Breaking up hurts, it's confusing and disorienting, and I'm sorry you're going through that now. Dating is the time to check and see if you and another person are a great team. There is really no happy way to end it when you realize it's not the team you want to be on for eternity. That doesn't say much about either persons' beauty - as a partnership something isn't right. The way you describe your ex, he's not interested in getting married or committed to you. You seem to be seeking a partner for a commitment. He is not that guy for you. Be sad for the loss of your relationship, but don't be sad your ex is latching onto someone new. It is saving you years of an unbalanced relationship, or much worse, a marriage with someone who doesn't really want to be married to you. I went through that, and in my experience it hurts even more to be neglected and eventually left after marriage than before.
carhill Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Is it a certain age that they wake up & realize that they need to do something about their life & think about their future? Each man is different. Some have been awake since children. Others never wake up. Everything in between. Someone upthread mentioned kids. Yeah, in my generation, a guy starting a family at 17 or 18 (common!) definitely woke him up to a few realities but didn't kill off the entirety of the old lifestyle from what I saw as a young male of that era. When did you guys want to quit your old lifestyle & settle down & have a family? When the positives of 'have a family' outweigh the positives of 'old lifestyle'. I noticed this most around mid 20's when, increasingly, friends with families hung around more with friends with families and single friends kind of went by the wayside so experienced peer influence and pressure to 'settle down' to retain standing in social groups. Since humans are social animals, this makes sense. Hence, if your social circle is mostly married people with children, then you're more likely to meet a single, family-oriented male due to the social group's perception of him having 'potential' due to his demonstrated behaviors. They've 'vetted' him.
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