Morro72 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Ancient history and stuff which I have not thought about in a long time but thought I'd see if anyone here has had similar experiences. My father died when I and my siblings were in college. A few years later my mother got a job and, not longer after that, started an A with a work colleague. Very different sort of guy from my father. My father owned a successful business, the colleague was what you might call a resentful employee; my father was intelligent and articulate, the colleague couldn't think his way out of a paper bag; my father was tall and pretty good-looking; the colleague was the sort of guy who looked like he had spent high school stuffed into trash cans. Oh, and the colleague was married. Why was she involved with him? I assume it was because she had been through a lot of emotionally hard times after my father's death and figured it was time to have some fun. He gave her what I now understand is the standard story: my marriage is dead, it's been over for years, we're just staying together for the children, you're my soulmate (probably spelled it "solemate"), etc. Her response was what I now recognize as the classic "affair fog". In fairness to both of them, he really did seem to treat her well. He did wind up divorcing and marrying my mother, and they were together until she died a few years later (still pretty young). OK, so it's all over, the only people harmed were people I didn't know (his former family), but I'm left with some things that I still don't understand, and the only person I'd trust to tell me is dead. First: why would someone as smart as my mother fall for the standard BS that every MM on the planet slings to his AP? Second: why would someone as smart as my mother and who had been married to a guy like my father have even been interested in this sort of dweeb? Finally, even if she had bought the line about "my marriage is dead", etc. why wouldn't she have told him "fine, let me know when your divorce is final"? Over on the infidelity and OM/OW boards I've seen plenty of discussion of this from participants but I haven't been able to find much from the childrens' viewpoint. If anybody has ever seen a parent participate in an A, especially an unmarried parent in the role of OW/OM, and has ever gotten any good understanding of this kind of mess, I'd love to hear about it. Really what I'm looking for is what my mother would tell me now if only I could ask her, and the sort of understanding that may only emerge years after the fact.
anika99 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Hmmm..this is interesting because while there are a lot of OW who will swallow any bull crap the MM feeds them, in your mother's situation that doesn't seem to be the case. For example you said something about your mother buying the line " my marriage is dead" but how was it a line since he did in fact leave his marriage to be with your mother. Also the stuff you said about standard lines, it's been over for years, we're together for the kids, etc. Yes this is bs that a lot of MM will tell the OW to keep her hanging but again, in your mothers situation is it possible that what her MM said to her was true for him? Since he did leave his marriage and make good on the promises he made your mother? As for how desirable he is based on looks and intelligence, well for some people those things aren't high priorities. Some people just want someone who will love them and be good to them. 4
beach Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Ancient history and stuff which I have not thought about in a long time but thought I'd see if anyone here has had similar experiences. My father died when I and my siblings were in college. A few years later my mother got a job and, not longer after that, started an A with a work colleague. Very different sort of guy from my father. My father owned a successful business, the colleague was what you might call a resentful employee; my father was intelligent and articulate, the colleague couldn't think his way out of a paper bag; my father was tall and pretty good-looking; the colleague was the sort of guy who looked like he had spent high school stuffed into trash cans. Oh, and the colleague was married. Why was she involved with him? I assume it was because she had been through a lot of emotionally hard times after my father's death and figured it was time to have some fun. He gave her what I now understand is the standard story: my marriage is dead, it's been over for years, we're just staying together for the children, you're my soulmate (probably spelled it "solemate"), etc. Her response was what I now recognize as the classic "affair fog". In fairness to both of them, he really did seem to treat her well. He did wind up divorcing and marrying my mother, and they were together until she died a few years later (still pretty young). OK, so it's all over, the only people harmed were people I didn't know (his former family), but I'm left with some things that I still don't understand, and the only person I'd trust to tell me is dead. First: why would someone as smart as my mother fall for the standard BS that every MM on the planet slings to his AP? Second: why would someone as smart as my mother and who had been married to a guy like my father have even been interested in this sort of dweeb? Finally, even if she had bought the line about "my marriage is dead", etc. why wouldn't she have told him "fine, let me know when your divorce is final"? Over on the infidelity and OM/OW boards I've seen plenty of discussion of this from participants but I haven't been able to find much from the childrens' viewpoint. If anybody has ever seen a parent participate in an A, especially an unmarried parent in the role of OW/OM, and has ever gotten any good understanding of this kind of mess, I'd love to hear about it. Really what I'm looking for is what my mother would tell me now if only I could ask her, and the sort of understanding that may only emerge years after the fact. How did you get all this info? Have you talked openly with your Mom about it all?
Tayla Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 sorry that you lost your mom without full disclosure. My parents are gone as well. It was afterwards that horrid truths were shared. It made for an unsettling time for us children. Particularly how my bio Dad behaved . So long after their passing , we've made peace with their choices. It is not easy to see your parents as being just as flawed as the rest of mankind, yet by the same token... it makes ya either A: not want to duplicate their choices or B: have a new appreciation for how they raised and provided.
SoleMate Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 As others have said, this definitely isn't a simple case of the standard, sordid OW/MM A, as your mother and the man involved did end up together. As to whether the "my marriage is dead" line was true when he said it, that seems effectively unknowable at this point. Other than the MM's being married (yes huge one I agree), intellectual deficits, and your concerns about his appearance/grooming, was he otherwise a good thing for your mother? If they had a happy marriage and your mother's loneliness was assuaged, and perhaps the MM exited an unsatisfying marriage too, this story is explicable (NOT right, just explicable). It's not like your mom had a lineup of men to choose including both married and single, and she went preferentially for the married, right? I suspect this MM was a loving, caring man and that's what she wanted at the time, not to hear high-end analytic rigor or overwhelming logic and exposition.
Author Morro72 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Other than the MM's being married (yes huge one I agree), intellectual deficits, and your concerns about his appearance/grooming, was he otherwise a good thing for your mother? If they had a happy marriage and your mother's loneliness was assuaged, and perhaps the MM exited an unsatisfying marriage too, this story is explicable (NOT right, just explicable). It's not like your mom had a lineup of men to choose including both married and single, and she went preferentially for the married, right? I suspect this MM was a loving, caring man and that's what she wanted at the time, not to hear high-end analytic rigor or overwhelming logic and exposition. On the one hand, she appeared to be happy with him, and he appeared to take good care of her. On the other hand, he was (and when I started the thread I wasn't sure whether I should go into this, but in for a penny, in for a pound) an alcoholic and drug abuser. He influenced my mother to drink more than she otherwise would have and to use drugs which she definitely should not have, probably causing her to die sooner than she otherwise might have. Further, he kept dealer-class quantities of drugs in their house, which meant that she spent the last few years of her life one search warrant away from a felony arrest. So it's not just that he was not the exemplary human being that my father was. Loving and caring to her, yes, in some ways, but also putting her health and liberty at risk and in other ways being a sorry sack of s***.
Tayla Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 then hopefully 20 years from now the anger will subside , otherwise get counseling. Anytime an issue is carried this long without resolution, it impedes the ability to grow or be more compassionate . 1
Author Morro72 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 What my siblings and I felt then and now was more confusion than anger. As far as resolution is concerned, there's no hope of getting at the facts, just of trying to learn by comparing with other situations. My wife and I talk about it once in a while, shrug our shoulders, and put the book back on the shelf so to speak. The thing that makes it somewhat easier to take is this did not happen while we were living at home, so he was never really part of the family, just the guy my mother was with later on. However, a few years earlier and our lives would have been much different. On the other hand, a few years earlier, and she would probably have been a little more selective. With us out of the house, she didn't have to be.
Tayla Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Counseling is to assist you. The anger showed . Get help. You deserve to be less bitter. Good luck! 1
anika99 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 On the one hand, she appeared to be happy with him, and he appeared to take good care of her. On the other hand, he was (and when I started the thread I wasn't sure whether I should go into this, but in for a penny, in for a pound) an alcoholic and drug abuser. He influenced my mother to drink more than she otherwise would have and to use drugs which she definitely should not have, probably causing her to die sooner than she otherwise might have. Further, he kept dealer-class quantities of drugs in their house, which meant that she spent the last few years of her life one search warrant away from a felony arrest. So it's not just that he was not the exemplary human being that my father was. Loving and caring to her, yes, in some ways, but also putting her health and liberty at risk and in other ways being a sorry sack of s***. Okay so he does sound like a bit of low life. I'm not sure what the appeal was to your mother. Perhaps she was just desperately lonely and there wasn't a line of fine upstanding men knocking on her door. I think also that sometimes the OW will see their married man as more appealing than they really are simply because they have to compete for him. If the MM has a wife at home that is also fighting for him then that alone makes him seem more desirable. The element of winning the MM away from his wife adds to the excitement and drama and fuels the passion. Do you think your mother was truly happy with him?
Author Morro72 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Do you think your mother was truly happy with him? In the early years it was classic affair fog. After that we don't know and the only person whose answer I'd trust is gone. I'm still curious as to why she was interested in this guy in the first place. The stories on LS are full of examples of really scuzzy APs, and BS's who are mystified by the attraction and never get un-mystified. I guess this is just another one of these.
preraph Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 She probably just felt very alone and he made her feel better some way. Show me one person who hasn't dated a loser at some point. 2
SSJROMANCE Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Could be a lot of reasons. Maybe she had low self-esteem and needed validation from other guys? Maybe she felt sorry for him and considered herself to be helping him? Was she naive and just didn't know any better? Either way I think it was somehow related to manipulation and naiveness or self esteem issue's.
SpiralOut Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Maybe she thought that she couldn't do any better so she grabbed what she could.
beach Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Alcohol and/or drugs severely clouds decision making. It easily takes away the ability to be rational. Your Mom was very sick. She made bad choices for herself. When any person is altered that much they just aren't their true selves. She lost track of who she should/could have been. There's no value in ruminating what can't be changed now. This is where acceptance is key - for you and your own healing. She may have been doing the best she could - given her choices and the circumstances.
casey.lives Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 he needed her to help him get out of a bad situation. she was his hero.. they fell in love in a hopeless place. it's an extremely romantic story, using the right lenses. filled with passion and a strong sense of urgency. and she was the chosen one... why not be a part of that story!!! boy.. a writer can have a great time with that one
turnera Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 all for what looked to us like a pretty low-quality catchMy guess is that, instead of being with a 'respectable, high-quality' man, what she really wanted was a down to earth guy who just wanted the simple things out of life and wanted to share those simple joys with a woman. I've learned not to judge people by how they look or live. I know LOTS of rich people. Some ACT like it, and are jerks. Some you'd never even know because that's not what's important to them, and they are lovely people to be around.
autumnnight Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 You'll probably never really know why or get all the answers. The bigger questions in my mind are this: What kind of mother was she to you? How are you going to choose to remember her? 1
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