jj888 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I met a girl I really like a few months ago. We work at the same workplace. She just broke up from a long term 5-year relationships a couple of months ago. We got along well but somehow recently I feel she has been ignoring me, e.g. not replying to my texts, including dinner invitation, and not asking me to do activities together like she used to. I think it might be because I showed more interests in her, but I don't get it why she'd push me away without even giving me a chance to know her better, and vice versa. I really thought there could be something between us since she is everything I'm looking for and I can't find many girls like her. It doesn't matter now that I have learned to let it go, but I want to know where I did wrong to make her push me away. With all honesty, I'm a pretty decent man. I thought she'd at least give me a chance for a couple of serious dates.
fred123 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 im not a girl so I'm sure others here will able to answer on behalf on her. but as a guy who has been in your shoes my conclusion would be that she liked you as a friend and when she found out that you liked her more than that she got cold and uncomfortable and started ignoring you. I'm pretty sure if she liked you more than as a friend she would be really happy and definitely wanting to see you more than a friend. i think girls who like a guy get frustrated when the guy acts as friends when the girl definitely wants more. they are no different to us guys I'm sure 3
Haydn Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I don`t think you did anything wrong. You just didn`t do it for her so to speak. You felt something she didn`t. She`s everything your looking for but your not everything she is looking for. It`s normal. Yes it can hurt but it`s better that she didn`t lead you on. Move forward.... 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 It's not you, it's her. She's just come out of a long relationship. She's not ready to date yet, and you would have been a 'rebound' anyway. A gap-filler. Give the lady some space, because she has made it plain, she really isn't interested. After having been with someone for 5 years, she really probably doesn't want to date, and you should back off and not be insistent. I think possibly she cooled things with you, because to me, it sounds as if possibly, you were too insistent, too pushy, too obvious. And I hate to say it, nobody likes a needy person. Maybe you just don't tick all her boxes. You may believe she is everything you want, but it seems she doesn't believe you are everything SHE wants.... 2
TunaCat Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Well she did just end a long term relationship only a few months ago, so she's probably not ready for any type of serious dating. She was with her ex for 5 years. That's nothing to sneeze at. The longer the relationship, the longer it takes for someone to heal from it. Not to mention dating in the workplace hardly ever works out. If you two were to begin dating and then broke up, things would likely be very awkward/uncomfortable for the both of you. I certainly would advise against dating someone from work. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. It just sounds like she's not ready to date yet & probably doesn't want to date anyone from her work. 1
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I met a girl I really like a few months ago. We work at the same workplace. She just broke up from a long term 5-year relationships a couple of months ago. We got along well but somehow recently I feel she has been ignoring me, e.g. not replying to my texts, including dinner invitation, and not asking me to do activities together like she used to. I think it might be because I showed more interests in her, but I don't get it why she'd push me away without even giving me a chance to know her better, and vice versa. I really thought there could be something between us since she is everything I'm looking for and I can't find many girls like her. It doesn't matter now that I have learned to let it go, but I want to know where I did wrong to make her push me away. With all honesty, I'm a pretty decent man. I thought she'd at least give me a chance for a couple of serious dates. Gosh, it it impossible to know what you did *wrong* unless you give us a play by play as to how you interacted with her over five months. But I doubt you did anything wrong anyway. She just wasn't feeling it and viewed you more as a friend. Just because you thought there could be something between you and she is everything you are looking for, does not mean she felt the same. She is distancing herself so as to not mislead you, because she senses you want more with her than just friendship, and she does not feel the same, and never did. You didn't do anything wrong, a woman is either into you or she's not. That's my take anyway. Sorry. 2
fred123 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Gosh, it it impossible to know what you did *wrong* unless you give us a play by play as to how you interacted with her over five months. But I doubt you did anything wrong anyway. She just wasn't feeling it and viewed you more as a friend. Just because you thought there could be something between you and she is everything you are looking for, does not mean she felt the same. She is distancing herself so as to not mislead you, because she senses you want more with her than just friendship, and she does not feel the same, and never did. You didn't do anything wrong, a woman is either into you or she's not. That's my take anyway. Sorry. can you please elaborate for us guys who struggle with women what you meant by your last sentence:) thanx
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 (edited) can you please elaborate for us guys who struggle with women what you meant by your last sentence:) thanx You mean my second to last sentence... either she is into you or not? It means that she either feels the chemistry/connection/energy with you or she doesn't. One doesn't feel chemistry based on how the person acts. It's an energy, a *spark* that is generating between you that tells you he/she is someone special...someone you would like to get to know romantically.... beyond friendship. Chemistry gets your heart pumping, it's that feeling you get in your solar plexus that causes you to want to kiss someone...to touch someone, become emotionally close with someone! And yes have sex with that person! Some people (mostly men) don't believe in chemistry... but that is just cause IMO, they've never experienced it! To them, if a woman is hot, that is all they need to feel "attracted to" her. Not sure if that makes total sense to you...but I don't know how else to explain it. Edited June 13, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Haydn Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 You mean my second to last sentence... either she is into you or not? It means that she either feels the chemistry/connection/energy with you or she doesn't. One doesn't feel chemistry based on how the person acts. It's an energy, a *spark* that is generating between you that tells you he/she is someone special...someone you would like to get to know romantically.... beyond friendship. Chemistry gets your heart pumping, it's that feeling you get in your solar plexus that causes you to want to kiss someone...to touch someone, become emotionally close with someone! And yes have sex with that person! Some people (mostly men) don't believe in chemistry... but that is just cause IMO, they've never experienced it! To them, if a woman is hot, that is all they need to feel "attracted to" her. Not sure if that makes total sense to you...but I don't know how else to explain it. Works the same way for me. No spark does not work. 1
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Works the same way for me. No spark does not work. Yeah, I think most women need more than a guy being hot to feel "attracted to" him They need to feel that spark, that chemistry/energy with him! 2
fred123 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 yes i do get you. without hijacking this thread, what about the women/men who feel like this before they even met. like online/long distance etc. you see many stories go women who really like a guy who lives far away and have been chatting for a while. is that possible? back to the thread- i think OP should just leave it and move on. 1
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 yes i do get you. without hijacking this thread, what about the women/men who feel like this before they even met. like online/long distance etc. you see many stories go women who really like a guy who lives far away and have been chatting for a while. is that possible? back to the thread- i think OP should just leave it and move on. Yeah I do believe people can feel "energy" (chemistry) with someone before meeting in person...but IMO it's not genuine or real because true chemistry is felt when you are in each other's presence..and you can feel their energy....and how it jives with your energy. I know this probably sounds totally hokey to some people! Lol But that's what chemistry between people is! It's an energy....it's intangible, which is why it can NEVER be explained or rationalized. It just exists!
Satu Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Feelings are not always reciprocated. Thats all there is to it, really.
GemmaUK Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 She saw you as a friend. Now she is aware you have a romantic interest and she has backed off so as not to lead you on as she is not interested in you in that way. 1
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Feelings are not always reciprocated. Thats all there is to it, really. Of course... but I think it depends on what he/she is basing their "feelings" on. Is it because she is hot? Is it because he is a good catch...good job, good looking, makes money? That's not chemistry. Their feelings are based on the superficial... and as such, the other person may not feel the same. For me at least, whenever I have felt true chemistry with a guy, NOT based on how hot he is, NOT based on what a "good catch" he is...he has ALWAYS felt that chemistry with me too! Because our chemistry was based on our energies and how our respective energies jive with each other. We all generate energy. Good positive energy, bad negative energy. There is positive/negative energy generating all around us! And not just romantic/sexual energy. It's what causes you to feel more comfortable with someone on first meet than someone else. It's why you click with certain people and you why you don't. Even friends! But with romantic chemistry, the sexual element comes into play that differentiates it from a friendship. Apologies if that sounds hokey or preachy.... but I am very passionate about the subject....
Ellejay Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 She just came out of a long term relationship & maybe she's still recuperating from it. She isn't ready & she's still figuring things out within herself. Going through a breakup, I've always made sure not to date quickly as to I haven't fully grieved over the loss of them not being in my life. Regardless with who broke up with who, I needed some time to fully reflect on our relationship, look back & to learn what went wrong for the future. It took me 1 year to fully get over my ex & even when I had potential contenders, I still wasn't ready to pursue anything other than a friendship. I didn't want to fill in the void until I knew that I was willing to give & receive myself to my significant other without having to think about my ex in that way. During that time, I didn't attach myself to anyone & basically made a relationship with myself.
fred123 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 She saw you as a friend. Now she is aware you have a romantic interest and she has backed off so as not to lead you on as she is not interested in you in that way. i think OP should be grateful cos not a lot of girls do this and actually rather lead the guys on esp when they know the guy has shown romantic interest so kudos to the girl
fred123 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Of course... but I think it depends on what he/she is basing their "feelings" on. Is it because she is hot? Is it because he is a good catch...good job, good looking, makes money? That's not chemistry. Their feelings are based on the superficial... and as such, the other person may not feel the same. For me at least, whenever I have felt true chemistry with a guy, NOT based on how hot he is, NOT based on what a "good catch" he is...he has ALWAYS felt that chemistry with me too! Because our chemistry was based on our energies and how our respective energies jive with each other. We all generate energy. Good positive energy, bad negative energy. There is positive/negative energy generating all around us! And not just romantic/sexual energy. It's what causes you to feel more comfortable with someone on first meet than someone else. It's why you click with certain people and you why you don't. Even friends! But with romantic chemistry, the sexual element comes into play that differentiates it from a friendship. Apologies if that sounds hokey or preachy.... but I am very passionate about the subject.... i could ask you so many questions its great you are passionate about it! the many experiences iv had with the opposite sex leave me confused about many things. so the difference between friends and more than friends is the physical/sexual side?
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 i could ask you so many questions its great you are passionate about it! the many experiences iv had with the opposite sex leave me confused about many things. so the difference between friends and more than friends is the physical/sexual side? Yes...pretty much! The best relationships are when you feel romantic (sexual) chemistry combined with being friends too! IMO you need both, but others get by with just the romantic sexual chemistry. Sometimes you can even feel that romantic/sexual chemistry with someone you don't even like as a person all that much!! Those relationships are dysfunctional IMO, but some people thrive on that sort of crazy passion! It's so complicated!
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 (edited) I met a girl I really like a few months ago. We work at the same workplace. She just broke up from a long term 5-year relationships a couple of months ago. We got along well but somehow recently I feel she has been ignoring me, e.g. not replying to my texts, including dinner invitation, and not asking me to do activities together like she used to. I think it might be because I showed more interests in her, but I don't get it why she'd push me away without even giving me a chance to know her better, and vice versa. I really thought there could be something between us since she is everything I'm looking for and I can't find many girls like her. It doesn't matter now that I have learned to let it go, but I want to know where I did wrong to make her push me away. With all honesty, I'm a pretty decent man. I thought she'd at least give me a chance for a couple of serious dates. Get used to it. If I get along with a gal, and we have a good rapport, and similar background and are both single and looking and she is average looking or below, I expect to still get rejected 9 out of 10 times. If you TRULY got along and it wasn't just in your head, then probably she didn't find you physically attractive. Just for the record, I don't run into that type of woman too often. There's many more women who I totally don't get along with, have no chemistry, and even think are pretty much b@tches. Women are looking for a lot more than a nice guy with an OK job who can make them laugh, pets dogs on the street and can play the intro to Stairway to Heaven on the guitar. You need to generate sexual attraction at a minimum. You can decide for yourself whether you want to make that a lifelong goal, or just play the numbers and let it happen naturally. Edited June 13, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
J21 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 (edited) I don't mean to sound harsh, but she doesn't "owe you" this "chance" you speak of. Why do you even call it a "chance"? What are you auditioning for a show? Interviewing for a job? You seem to be trying to qualify yourself to her by using those words. A relationship should be mutual and something that isn't forced. Clearly, judging by her actions she didn't feel the same you felt about her. Don't beat yourself up, because honestly the reason doesn't matter. She probably wasn't in the right state mentally after a 5 year relationship coming to an end. Edited June 13, 2015 by J21
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 She just broke up from a long term 5-year relationships a couple of months ago. I guess, you answered your own question. She was simply not ready to date.
johndoe2 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 For me at least, whenever I have felt true chemistry with a guy, NOT based on how hot he is, NOT based on what a "good catch" he is...he has ALWAYS felt that chemistry with me too! Because our chemistry was based on our energies and how our respective energies jive with each other. We all generate energy. Good positive energy, bad negative energy. There is positive/negative energy generating all around us! And not just romantic/sexual energy. If this is 'chemistry,' I think you can forgive those of us who don't really 'believe' in it. "Energies"? Sounds like something out of reflexology or Chakra, which, as a scientifically minded person, I most certainly do not believe in. Basically, when I hear someone say 'chemistry' I interpret it as what, in the science/engineering world, we call a "black box." It is something, a process, which does something, but we can't see specifically what it does, and so we can't explain it. You put something into the 'black box' and something comes out, but we don't know what exactly is going on inside. In other words, 'chemistry' seems like a word used to encapsulate all the factors determining two people's romantic compatibility that can't be clearly defined or elucidated.
spiderowl Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 It's probably to do with attraction and we can't help who we are attracted to. Being a decent guy isn't enough. A woman can be a decent woman but that doesn't mean you'd automatically be attracted to her; there has to be that special attraction you feel over and above someone being decent. Unfortunately, the fact that you feel she's special and that you can't find other women you like as much as her doesn't mean she's feeling the same way. It is easy to project feelings onto others: e.g. You thinking she's wonderful and that you two have a rare connection does not necessarily mean she is feeling the same way. This is a hard lesson we all learn at some point in our lives. If she felt you were right for her, she would have given you a chance. There is no point asking why she didn't 'give you a chance': she just didn't want to go in that direction. It is better to accept that she's not feeling the same as you and just drop the idea of her being 'the one'. There are other women out there who will feel the same way as you; don't waste time and energy on this one when you could be feeling loved and desired by an attractive woman you have yet to notice.
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) If this is 'chemistry,' I think you can forgive those of us who don't really 'believe' in it. "Energies"? Sounds like something out of reflexology or Chakra, which, as a scientifically minded person, I most certainly do not believe in. Basically, when I hear someone say 'chemistry' I interpret it as what, in the science/engineering world, we call a "black box." It is something, a process, which does something, but we can't see specifically what it does, and so we can't explain it. You put something into the 'black box' and something comes out, but we don't know what exactly is going on inside. In other words, 'chemistry' seems like a word used to encapsulate all the factors determining two people's romantic compatibility that can't be clearly defined or elucidated. Yes of course I can *forgive* you for not believing what I believe. I actually respect and admire different beliefs and opinions about certain things...such as this. And as I said, I know it sounds hokey to some people and that is fine too. It is just that when I, and aloneinaz (another poster- male), describe our respective experiences in which we felt an immediate intense connection (NOT based on the physical) with our partners, literally at first sight, without uttering one word to each other (to determine compatability), the only conclusion I come to is that there was some intense energy generating between us. Good, positive, hot, romantic, sexual energy. Yeah, pretty hokey, huh. I am in science too, or used to be, and I have studied energy and how it comes into play in our human interactions. Read lots of great books too. But I won't deny or argue with you about your beliefs. As I said I respect them. You have your beliefs, I have mine, so let's leave it at that. Good night... :) Edited June 14, 2015 by katiegrl
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