leavesonautumn Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 This is going to be super long and all over the place... So, I met a guy earlier this year at the end of February at a mutual friend's party. Let's just say there was an instant connection, we hit it off right away and we spent the next day together doing various things around the city I live in (he lives in a small town about half an hour away). After he dropped me off at home, I felt like I already missed him. Admittedly, I wasn't actually initially attracted to him so I thought I'd be making a new friend. Over the next few days, we texted each other and the tone in his texts were that of interest, we scheduled a meetup for lunch before I had to go to work one day and as soon as I saw him, I knew that I was attracted to him. Basically over the course of the next few weeks, we saw each other probably 4 to 5 times a week and spent all weekend together. I was a little wary about him because I could tell he was falling fast but his actions matched his words and he was genuinely such a sweet guy. I spoke to our mutual friend (who I've known for 2 years and he's known for 10) and she assured me that he's a good person with a huge heart, that he'd make the best boyfriend and that he really liked me blah blah blah and it calmed my nerves. I knew the whole time that it was going very fast and he ended up telling me that he loved me after a few weeks. I told him I wasn't ready and wanted us to get to know each other more first. Now, here's some more information on this guy... he was married for about 5 years and with his ex for 4 years before getting married. Long time to be with someone right? About a year and a half ago, he caught her making out with his sister's boyfriend and for the rest of the relationship he basically found out that she had been cheating on him within the first few months of being together with about a dozen guys over the course of 9 years. They separated but he gave her another chance until finally filing for divorce last December. I got all of this information from our mutual friend before he and I talked about it and the stories lined up. He had been trying to figure out how to divorce her for about 6 months before finally doing it and had fallen out of love with her. Back to the relationship... I had always had this nagging feeling that I was a rebound or filling an emotional void. But like I said, his actions matched his words and he did a lot to help me out, he met my family, I met his family, he was always very affectionate and sweet to me. I had talked to him about my concerns and we went a little deeper into what happened between him and his ex and she was basically manipulative and abusive. He was over her, meeting me was like a breath of fresh air, he fell for me instantly, promised so much, made so many plans, told me constantly how cute, funny, smart, sexy, beautiful I am. There were a few issues in the relationship though. We went to a different city to spend the weekend together and I ended up with a migraine one night and he decided to hang out at the bar alone while I was sick. I asked him to come back after I had felt better and he did... but ended up going back down. It caused a little friction and I was upset that he'd rather drink alone then continue with the romantic weekend. He couldn't understand why it made me upset and he didn't talk to me the entire next day and said he was worried that it'd become a pattern. He drinks... a lot. He felt like he could do no wrong and was this perfect, happy, confident guy. I don't handle stress well and I was in the middle of studying for an important job in order to advance my career and actually ended up failing the exam and am now figuring things out. We never had fights, we were never mean to each other or anything like that but sometimes there was a bit of friction, I believe it was due to the amount of time we spent together. We got along extremely well, we always had fun together, made each other laugh, we were basically adorable goofs and I thought we made a really awesome match and was excited to get to know him better. I'd say it was 90/10 in terms of good times/bad times. He spent a lot of time driving back between his town and my city (which I could understand would burn him out but he insisted). Yes, I realize men would drive half an hour just for sex. So, about two weeks ago, the day I found out I failed my exam I asked him if we could just hang out and drink and be silly and he was on board, of course. He gets to my house to pick me up and is basically like, you're going to come over and meet my uncle tonight and I told him that I'd love to meet his uncle but just needed some alone time with him that night as I was pretty upset about failing. He wouldn't take no for an answer and we ended up going out to his town. I was kind of upset all around but got over myself. So, we drank and went for a walk with his dog and talked about his ex using the terminology "we" and I had enough of hearing about her so I went bitch mode and basically said "we, we it's always we but never about me". I guess this hurt his feelings because later on he said "I did love you but I don't anymore, it's over, I'm done". I was blindsided and confused immediately. As we were in his town and drunk, I had to stay with him and of course, slept with him. I thought he said it in anger and that everything was okay. Next morning, had sex again and then we drove back into my city... Then the breakup happened by him giving me back the key to my place I had given him and I was like... really? And it was just done. I asked him calmly if we could work on it and talk about it and he said no, it's done, over. He said he should have broken up with me after our weekend trip away together. I did cry but I didn't beg, argue or plead. We talked for a bit and I went inside. That night, I must've called him like 3 times at around 3 or 4 in the morning. The next morning, he called me back at 7 and I apologized. Ever since, we've been talking like every day, both initiating contact. He'd call me more often then I'd call him. I know I should've gone NC, I get that, I've given that advice more often then once. He knows that I have problems sleeping at night and I often wake up around 3 or 4 every morning. He told me to call him at that time if I ever needed him, so I stupidly did. He was always so sweet to me and being so nice about it. Then when we'd be hanging up, he'd tell me to call him back if I couldn't sleep. The weekend after we broke up, I went out to visit him and stayed the night. The next morning he asked me to spend the weekend with him at his families farm... and I stupidly did. We acted like a couple, we were adorable, it was sweet, we'd be hugging, holding hands, kissing. All of it. One morning when we woke up, he held me and said there's no where else in the world he'd rather be then in my arms. Then the magical weekend was over and I thought we were going to reconcile... we didn't, of course. We hung out one more time this past week and he left pretty quickly but kept texting. Yesterday morning I woke up and it just hit me. What the **** was I doing? I was letting this lonely, recently divorced, insecure man use me to fill a void. I'm way better then that. I'm pretty cool and I'm a great friend and he wanted to stay friends but I have enough, he made a ****ty friend anyway. The last time we spoke was 3 in the morning after we slept together over the phone. He told me to cuddle a pillow and pretend it was him. And I asked if that’s what he does and he told me when he cuddles a pillow, he pretends it’s me.:rolleyes::rolleyes: TLDR: Yup, I did make a fool of myself. I trusted someone who ended up using me and am back to square one with finding it hard to trust anyone. I fell for the falling too fast and too hard guy only to watch it fizzle out in a weeks time. I googled it in the beginning of the relationship but couldn’t figure out how to slow it down or talk to him about it. I'm now completely NC and spending my time with friends and family and have found a new job in an awesome location. How do I avoid this or deal with this type of situation in the future?
kasop Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 This guy is an emotional roller coaster and you are on one hell of a ride. Look at the facts and his actions. He broke up with you when acted out about him non stop talking about his ex. You did NO wrong. You obviously caught him not being able to get over his ex. So he breaks up with you. Ya that screams rebound relationship. And after b/u he still hangs around pretending to be your bf. Thats no relationship and its selfish. Nc this guy.
kasop Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 How do I avoid this or deal with this type of situation in the future? Learn how to spot and identify red flags
JewelD Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Don't date recently divorced or recently broken up people for starters. You can be the most amazing person in the world, but if they're getting over a breakup or divorce, they'll never be able to fully give themselves to you until they're done healing. You should also stop listening to what people say and watch what they do. He said he loved you once, but was he acting like it? People will say a lot of things to get you to feel a certain way or do certain things, but talk is cheap. Once somebody is a jerk to you, cut him off. It's a rare occasion where a good person is an ******* out of nowhere. If they're okay with you treating you lie crap even once, there's a good chance they're going to continue doing it, but the longer you stay involved, the harder it is to let go of a bad situation. When you date a guy, keep a notebook or journal and write about the way he treats you. If you're writing down a ton of negative things, you'll know its time to go. I only did that for about a summer, but two years later when we broke up, I looked back at my journal entries and saw that he had always been a jerk to me and that I'd just dealt with it, only delaying the inevitable heartbreak. 2
jen1447 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Honestly I don't really see a horrible oh-my-god-it-has-to-end moment in there. Are you sure you're doing the right thing?
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 This guy is an emotional roller coaster and you are on one hell of a ride. Look at the facts and his actions. He broke up with you when acted out about him non stop talking about his ex. You did NO wrong. You obviously caught him not being able to get over his ex. So he breaks up with you. Ya that screams rebound relationship. And after b/u he still hangs around pretending to be your bf. Thats no relationship and its selfish. Nc this guy. I kind of wish he was an emotional roller coaster because he was calm, friendly, and nice like 99.99% of the time I've know him. He's never shown anger or even sadness or bitterness about his ex, nothing. He was never upset with me in any form either, I had NO idea until the end that he was upset about the romantic weekend incident. I think in some ways he's a bit clueless and not doing anything on purpose and I've have conversations with him about being a rebound and he was offended that I'd even suggest it. It's why I talked to our mutual friend about it and she assured me he was over it but she isn't him so I should've been a bit more cautious. Or he's in denial that he hasn't healed or moved on from the relationship. He told me I should date people who have never been in a relationship before haha. I've had three boyfriends, one lasting 5 years and was absolutely devastated by the end. I didn't talk about him once with my ex unless specifically talking about our experiences in relationships. I know you can't compare boyfriend/girlfriend with husband/wife but everyone takes different things away from relationships.
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 Don't date recently divorced or recently broken up people for starters. You can be the most amazing person in the world, but if they're getting over a breakup or divorce, they'll never be able to fully give themselves to you until they're done healing. You should also stop listening to what people say and watch what they do. He said he loved you once, but was he acting like it? People will say a lot of things to get you to feel a certain way or do certain things, but talk is cheap. Once somebody is a jerk to you, cut him off. It's a rare occasion where a good person is an ******* out of nowhere. If they're okay with you treating you lie crap even once, there's a good chance they're going to continue doing it, but the longer you stay involved, the harder it is to let go of a bad situation. When you date a guy, keep a notebook or journal and write about the way he treats you. If you're writing down a ton of negative things, you'll know its time to go. I only did that for about a summer, but two years later when we broke up, I looked back at my journal entries and saw that he had always been a jerk to me and that I'd just dealt with it, only delaying the inevitable heartbreak. I agree 100%. He was actually very attentive, he called or skyped me every day, we texted all day every day (good morning and good night every single day), he drove a LOT to spend time with me even if it was for half an hour, he took the time to get to know my immediate family, he planned romantic outings, surprised me with little things, I could go on and on. I believe his actions proved that he had feelings for me but I am not comfortable in saying he loved me as we were not together for very long. He was never a jerk to me or treated me badly, he just acted very selfish after the breakup and that's why I feel used or like an emotional crutch.
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 Honestly I don't really see a horrible oh-my-god-it-has-to-end moment in there. Are you sure you're doing the right thing? Sorry Jen, would you be able to clarifiy? By doing the right thing do you mean going NC?
jen1447 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Yeah, by ending it at all really. I can explain my take on things if you like but I'd like to know your thinking on why it was such a done/over deal.
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 Yeah, by ending it at all really. I can explain my take on things if you like but I'd like to know your thinking on why it was such a done/over deal. I didn't want it to end, I honestly thought we could talk and work through whatever the issue was if he was willing to but he's not. He told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and that it's been soured. It's tough to be his friend when I want more. Since I've stopped reaching out, he hasn't said a single word. Granted, it's only been like a day and a half haha but it feels like we went from 60 to 0 in no time. In some ways, I'm not sure if I was a rebound or if he was genuine and if I ever talked to him about it in the future, I don't think he'd be totally honest. It was a bit of a whirlwind to be honest. There was another incident where he had met up with his ex-wife to exchange some stuff. He was upfront about it but I wasn't comfortable with it as he was meeting her in another town and she was physically abusive with him by the end of their relationship. He said he didn't want to go because of how I felt but he ended up going anyway. When I found out, I was just quiet about it and needed to be alone to process it for like 10 minutes so I could think logically about it. For some reason, this was another strike against me. I'm not perfect by any means but anything I had done, I apologized for and I did not repeat it. There was a moment of me feeling a bit of jealousy when he went to the bar alone but it was once and I moved on. He then said that after that one time he was worried about where he was looking or what he'd say. I almost feel like a lot of it was excuses, I'm not sure though. When I was studying for my exam, I tried to explain to him how stressed and pressured I felt and his response would just be that he's so calm and relaxed and I should take it easy. Almost like I was an alien creature for feeling an emotion other then happiness. This was something I genuinely really liked about him though, that he was calm and collected but he couldn't wrap his head around me being stressed out. When I'm stressed I tend to withdraw and internalize a lot so I'd be short and seemingly distant. It seems like when I wasn't the super cool and fun girlfriend, he just didn't have time for me.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I'd suggest heading over to "Baggage Reclaim" and reading what she says about emotionally unavailable men. A few red flags popped up for me right away-his so recently ending a serious relationship, him being so quick to move forward, the drinking...check it out, the authorof the blog is fantastic. She can help with getting dumped so suddenly too, and how to deal with that.
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 I'd suggest heading over to "Baggage Reclaim" and reading what she says about emotionally unavailable men. A few red flags popped up for me right away-his so recently ending a serious relationship, him being so quick to move forward, the drinking...check it out, the authorof the blog is fantastic. She can help with getting dumped so suddenly too, and how to deal with that. Thank you for the recommendation. I really wish I had listened to my gut in the beginning but he was just such a nice guy and I couldn't help myself. Our mutual friend basically gave me the green light to date him and she knows his last relationship better than I do but my gut trumps anything else from now on haha. Another thing... there was actually someone in between his divorce and me about two weeks before we met. He considers her his rebound but it was basically four days and he called her his girlfriend. I think there's more going on then just the divorce - he has some deep rooted issues from his childhood and past that he tries his best to hide but one thing I could recognize almost immediately is that he hates being alone, loves being included and loves being in love. I wouldn't be surprised if he's met someone else by now, he needs to be needed. But anyway... not my problem anymore. Time to put the focus back on me.
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