paltweety Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Hi, I have been dating a guy since last 2 years. He was the one who approached me, chased me but never committed me to get married except for oncE. Now after I expressed my desired to get married he said he is commitment phobic guy and has no wish to get married in future. He finally broke up with me as it was getting impossible for us to get along because of this issue. We have had a great time together which he agrees. He also agrees that he tried to Change his mind about marriage but nothing helps him. He says he doesn't want to waste my time and it was better for me that I go away from a guy like him who can never love anyone to get married. Its been 3 days that we broke up, he has promised me to be friends and help me over come bad ttime...he msged me oNce in a day... He has a history of short relationship, troubled childhood. He says I was the only girl in his for whom he has cared and all other relationships have been worst. I am trying to keep myself away from him to give him time to think..will he ever come back?
Redhead14 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Hi, I have been dating a guy since last 2 years. He was the one who approached me, chased me but never committed me to get married except for oncE. Now after I expressed my desired to get married he said he is commitment phobic guy and has no wish to get married in future. He finally broke up with me as it was getting impossible for us to get along because of this issue. We have had a great time together which he agrees. He also agrees that he tried to Change his mind about marriage but nothing helps him. He says he doesn't want to waste my time and it was better for me that I go away from a guy like him who can never love anyone to get married. Its been 3 days that we broke up, he has promised me to be friends and help me over come bad ttime...he msged me oNce in a day... He has a history of short relationship, troubled childhood. He says I was the only girl in his for whom he has cared and all other relationships have been worst. I am trying to keep myself away from him to give him time to think..will he ever come back? This man is not just commitment-phobic, he is emotionally unavailable. It is possible for a commitment-phobe to finally meet someone he wants to commit to. But a man who is both commitment-phobic and emotionally unavailable only knows how to date a woman, he doesn't know how to make and maintain a real relationship. Which is the reason for the short-term string of relationships. He says he doesn't want to waste my time and it was better for me that I go away from a guy like him who can never love anyone to get married. -- He knows he can't maintain a relationship, believe him. A commitment-phobe who has potential, can be evaluated for that by observing his relationship with his family and friends. Whether he is active in the community and other social settings, giving of his time, etc. (This guy has a troubled childhood and likely poor relationships in general) Commitment-phobes have a series of short relationships as well, but it's just simply that that haven't found the "one". They likely have had at least one long-term relationship. You should let this one go. You will struggle with hot/cold behavior, significant caving and rubberbanding, etc. Some men tend to do these things a little bit anyway, but a man like this will do it a lot. They want human connection but can only handle a little bit at a time. When they get overloaded, they either bail or keep coming and going out of your life. 2
Author paltweety Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 Are there any chances of him changing and should I wait for him?
Itspointless Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Are there any chances of him changing and should I wait for him? I do not think so, as he said that he does not want to waste your time. He basicly says he does not want to try. Just as my ex said: I know others who do it too, so I am normal. I did not believe her that she wouldn't fight for us. Now I am starting to know what she meant.
Author paltweety Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 I have started my no contact from 2 days. I hope to stay strong. I have very strong urge to call him and cry but I stop myself. Reading threads is helping me
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Are there any chances of him changing and should I wait for him? I wouldn't bother. He was clear that he doesn't want you to do so, either. He's not going to change any time soon. If you hang around, there's no guarantee for success and you'd be passing up better opportunities.
mightycpa Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Are there any chances of him changing and should I wait for him? This is going to sound harsh, but the answer is YES he can change, but NO, not for you, so don't wait. Why not for you? Well, because he's had his time with you and it wasn't enough to turn him. Maybe somebody will, maybe not. But it will have to be somebody he hasn't had a relationship with yet. It might be a function of age, and he may just have to grow a little older to open up to that degree. You were not in the right place at the right time, that's all. It probably has very little to do with you, and almost everything to do with him. 1
Author paltweety Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 This is going to sound harsh, but the answer is YES he can change, but NO, not for you, so don't wait. Why not for you? Well, because he's had his time with you and it wasn't enough to turn him. Maybe somebody will, maybe not. But it will have to be somebody he hasn't had a relationship with yet. It might be a function of age, and he may just have to grow a little older to open up to that degree. You were not in the right place at the right time, that's all. It probably has very little to do with you, and almost everything to do with him. Yes I know he will change. Cuz he has changed for me to some extent. And I think he will change when he will understand when I ll be gone and that there aren't many options lleft.
Author paltweety Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 The only problem is we have booked a holiday along with other 5 mutual friends after a month. I have been saving for this holiday since a year. what to do..? I am having a double mind for this idea as it was long awaited plan...
fireflywy Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Read up on "Love Avoidants". It will help you understand. You have no chance. I'm sorry.
irresolute Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 No men deserve that you waste your time waiting for them to change. He was clear, let this one go and move on. His loss anyway.
Itspointless Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Read up on "Love Avoidants". It will help you understand. You have no chance. I'm sorry. Or this book that promises to be good: 'Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner' I personally loved the book: Why Can’t I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns
Author paltweety Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 The only problem is we have booked a holiday along with other 5 mutual friends after a month. I have been saving for this holiday since a year. what to do..? I am having a double mind for this idea as it was long awaited plan...
Itspointless Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 The only problem is we have booked a holiday along with other 5 mutual friends after a month. I have been saving for this holiday since a year. what to do..? I am having a double mind for this idea as it was long awaited plan... Going on that vacation sounds like a bad idea. Can't you book an alternative trip for yourself or do something else those days?
Author paltweety Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 Going on that vacation sounds like a bad idea. Can't you book an alternative trip for yourself or do something else those days? The only problem being the cancellation charges and all my friends are going together on this holiday which would leave me alone
Author paltweety Posted June 15, 2015 Author Posted June 15, 2015 On 4 th day of my no contact he called me to ask how I was doing? he also asked why was I not texting or calling him. Although he was very casual during the entire conversation even I kept calm and behaved normal but I really miss him
Itspointless Posted June 15, 2015 Posted June 15, 2015 The only problem being the cancellation charges and all my friends are going together on this holiday which would leave me alone Yes, that is a pity, perhaps you can find an organized trip, so you will be with a group. If I were you I would experience it as torture being with him (without him).
BriNyc82 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation with a guy who says he is commitment phobic, shuts down and he's terrified or getting in another relationship because he associates them with pain. He knows I am nothing like his exes but unfortunately it's his issue. He also told me he can't be all in and give me what I want and I deserve to have what I want. It's lame. But it's true. I think you need to believe him when he says he doesn't want marriage. I think sometimes we think we can change their mind but you are most likely coming from a healthy place. And he is not.
Itspointless Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 he can't be all in and give me what I want and I deserve Those words bring back some memories. 'You are important to me, but I can't give you what you deserve.' Still boggles my mind that they come with that line when you already have sold yourself to them, while before they are assuring you heaven on earth. I waited some months for her, but she never came round. As she told me before that, once I make a decision ...
Author paltweety Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Those words bring back some memories. 'You are important to me, but I can't give you what you deserve.' Still boggles my mind that they come with that line when you already have sold yourself to them, while before they are assuring you heaven on earth. I waited some months for her, but she never came round. As she told me before that, once I make a decision ... I met him today after 10 days of very less/ no.contact to return my shoes which were at his place... He has been uploading sad status of come back home and all.... He told me he is not happy but he doesn't know the reason for anything... again he says that he is happy..... Pretty confused as always ..When I told him things are now the way you wanted he was not happy either I understand he has problems understanding and expressing own feelings but I don't understand what to do... What's on his mind Cuz he keeps saying we can be friends
Itspointless Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I met him today after 10 days of very less/ no.contact to return my shoes which were at his place... He has been uploading sad status of come back home and all.... He told me he is not happy but he doesn't know the reason for anything... again he says that he is happy..... Pretty confused as always ..When I told him things are now the way you wanted he was not happy either I understand he has problems understanding and expressing own feelings but I don't understand what to do... What's on his mind Cuz he keeps saying we can be friends Ask him if he wants to work with you on the relationship by going to therapy with you. If he does not want that, you unfortunately have your answer. Do not enter a friendship with him at this time, as I am sure you do not want to be a friend.
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