When men act inappropriately on a date is it on purpose or they don't know better?

June 14, 2015

Having the shotgun approach to dating is an avenue some apply, me.. when I was single I only dated or spoke to women that fit into my prospects of the future category.

I learned later on in life that wasting time with someone I wasn't going to get serious with only interfered with finding someone I could have a relationship with... albeit my sex life was always great before I started to do that.

Dating is about finding out what you want and don't want and you can't get there unless you date a bunch but to get there you have to start eliminating the don't wants.

June 14, 2015

If I were a man I wonder how people would respond to this thread. Lets say a man goes out with a sexy woman, she behaves like she wants sex, what man will turn her down? What man will say OH my integrity first? What man will go to his buddy and say I had to reject her she just wanted sex?

There will be a 95% chance that this man will sleep with her and then reject her cause she just wanted sex. This in a guy's head sounds as "I'm just a number for her, she is so easy". There will be this 5% of men who will reject her immediately cause these men know what they want and having sex with such a woman is not in their list to do things just because they respect themselves and want to have sex with someone they feel something about, not just lust.

June 14, 2015

There will be a 95% chance that this man will sleep with her and then reject her cause she just wanted sex. This in a guy's head sounds as "I'm just a number for her, she is so easy". There will be this 5% of men who will reject her immediately cause these men know what they want and having sex with such a woman is not in their list to do things just because they respect themselves and want to have sex with someone they feel something about, not just lust.

So hypocritical. Because those men responding to Gaeta's night of sex weren't saying "girl, have some respect for yourself!" That was the women. No, they were saying "See?? Girls sleep with the hot jerks and not nice guys like me!"

Which goes to show that they WANT women to sleep with them, too. And yet they will turn around and call her a slut for it!

Something I thought of is, perhaps those supposed hot jerks get more action because they genuinely enjoy a sexy woman and make her comfortable, and don't give her the impression they will spit on her afterwards.

Edited June 14, 2015 by toscaroscura

June 14, 2015

I know what I want but I am unwilling to play prude at 49, I lost my virtue a long time ago. To me having sex has nothing to do with values, respect or integrity. It's a fair exchange of sex for sex between 2 consenting adults.

I know most posters on here are conservative Americans and my liberal views are a bit out there for them, in my culture we happen to have very liberal views on sex and there no concept of 'giving it up'. Women high-5 each other for getting great sex just like men do.

The main thing is if you are happy and you sound like you are.

He isn't a serious prospect so go have some fun!

There's no harm in that, just don't let a 39 yo Adonis take your mind off what you really want. Make sure he doesn't become any kind of priority.

June 14, 2015

Why are all you guys with an axe to grind suddenly casting Prospect 1 as a poor, regular, decent, relationship-worthy bloke now, cruelly dumped in favor of the Hot Adonis, Game-Playing Prospect 2. You are all assuming far too much to fit your victim narrative where the girl dumps a nice guy for the jerk.

The guys were both jerks. But Prospect 2, aside from being more attractive TO GAETA (this does not mean he is some kind of male model rival that your minds dream up to torment you!), redeemed himself to her in a way, whereas Prospect 1 just continued to blow up her phone and push boundaries. No thank you. That's some crazy stalker stuff, there.

The bottom line is, we don't know Gaeta IRL or these guys so we can't assume her story fits so neatly into that ridiculous "nice guys finish last" mentality.

Yes, both guys were jerks. The premise of the thread was guys' inappropriate behavior and the lesson we learned was that if you have Prospect 2's looks/charisma/seduction skills, inappropriate behavior doesn't seem to matter a whole lot. The OP even pointed out that her recent ex-bf didn't have this type of looks/charisma/seduction skills, so they didn't have sex until he asked for exclusivity. I have no issue with the OP having sex with whomever she wants under whatever conditions she wants, but when she says she wants a relationship with someone who doesn't behave inappropriately, it doesn't reconcile with her actions.

June 14, 2015

Yes, both guys were jerks. The premise of the thread was guys' inappropriate behavior and the lesson we learned was that if you have Prospect 2's looks/charisma/seduction skills, inappropriate behavior doesn't seem to matter a whole lot. The OP even pointed out that her recent ex-bf didn't have this type of looks/charisma/seduction skills, so they didn't have sex until he asked for exclusivity. I have no issue with the OP having sex with whomever she wants under whatever conditions she wants, but when she says she wants a relationship with someone who doesn't behave inappropriately, it doesn't reconcile with her actions.

I think some of you guys are missing the point.

By having sex with him I understood I was removing him from my serious relationship prospects list - so how am I seeking relationships with jerks?

When I go shopping for clothes while I try them on i make a yes pile, a no pile and a maybe pile. He's in the maybe pile and I continue shopping.

Men are too focused on the sex part. Prospect 2 got sex, so what? That makes him a big winner? to me a winner is when a man win's a woman's heart.

June 14, 2015

No. 1 ---There's attracted enough to have NSA sex, and there's attracted enough to pursue a relationship. The level of attraction is lower for NSA than it is for a relationship. As a woman, you can tell what a man is interested in fairly early. If he pushes for sex early, he's likely not interested in pursuing a relationship (there are exceptions of course).

No. 2 --Waiting to have sex, for the most part, is beneficial to both men and women when it comes to the courting stage of the relationship. Men generally, when it comes to marriage (or LTRs), would prefer to be with a woman who hasn't had sex with a lot of men. A woman that makes a man wait for sex is sending out the signal that she doesn't sleep with a lot of men.

No. 3 --Conversely a man that is willing to wait for sex and still pursue a woman, is sending out signals that he is not just looking for sex, but is sticking around because he is interested in the woman and sees her as potential relationship material.

I don't really have time to debate this too much, but did want to respond.

No. 1 above -- So age is *not* really a factor in determining whether or not to pursue a relationship, his level of attraction is. And while his standards for NSA sex are lower in that regard, I presume if 49 year old woman looked like 29 year old swimsuit model, he *would* wish to pursue a relationship with her. Correct?

No. 2 -- The irony in that statement is that you have women (like me) who have NOT had sex with a lot of men (in my case - hardly!)...but who DID have sex with boyfriend the first night we met. No he did NOT *push* sex on me, we were just wildly attracted to *each other* from the get go...and the decision to have sex was a mutual natural expression of that attraction. Still together, 5 yrs later.

Then you have another woman (like Gaeta) who has admittedly had sex with a lot of men (not judging Gaeta)....but who has been known to make a man "wait" to have sex with her, and would probably make him wait again....if she believed there was potential for a relationship.

She only had sex with "this" guy because she saw no potential for relationship with him, and since was very physically attracted to him, chose to have some fun with him...so had sex.

No. 3 -- Then there are those men who, no matter how long a woman makes him wait, will STILL disappear afterwards, because he was only interested in the *challenge* and once that challenge has been satisfied (by having sex)....will be off and running to his next challenge.

But then you DID say there were exceptions to these pre-conceived (and perhaps outdated) notions, and I think those exceptions occur more often than you might think.

June 14, 2015

No. 3 -- Then there are those men who, no matter how long a woman makes him wait, will STILL disappear afterwards, because he was only interested in the *challenge* and once that challenge has been satisfied (by having sex)....will be off and running to his next challenge.

Absolutely right! Many of those out there and the first one that comes to mind is actuary-depressed-guy who took me out on several dates, brought me to fancy restaurants, cooked for me, never pressured for sex always acted appropriately and finally admitted to being married and felt guilty for playing his best game on me.

June 14, 2015

It always seems to turn out that we're more complicated than our social constructs would like us to be.

June 14, 2015

No. 1 above -- So age is *not* really a factor in determining whether or not to pursue a relationship, his level of attraction is. And while his standards for NSA sex are lower in that regard, I presume if 49 year old woman looked like 29 year old swimsuit model, he *would* wish to pursue a relationship with her. Correct?

I didn't respond to this because of how rare this would be. 49 year old men and women don't look like 29 year old men and women. They look older, because they are older.

No. 2 -- The irony in that statement is that you have women (like me) who have NOT had sex with a lot of men (in my case - hardly!)...but who DID have sex with boyfriend the first night we met. No he did NOT *push* sex on me, we were just wildly attracted to *each other* from the get go...and the decision to have sex was a mutual natural expression of that attraction. Still together, 5 yrs later.

Yes - you are not the type of woman that has slept with a lot of men. That would make you good relationship material, which is likely why your relationship has been a success. Sleeping together when you first met your boyfriend was an exceptional circumstance for you. So no wonder it stands out as an exception in general.

Then you have another woman (like Gaeta) who has admittedly had sex with a lot of men (not judging Gaeta)....but who has been known to make a man "wait" to have sex with her, and would probably make him wait again....if she believed there was potential for a relationship.

She only had sex with "this" guy because she saw no potential for relationship with him, and since was very physically attracted to him, chose to have some fun with him...so had sex.

There are people that can separate sex and love and there are people that can't. Those that can't find it easier to find relationships than those that can (in general). For you, I'm guessing you wouldn't have slept with your boyfriend upon first meet if you didn't see long term potential in him, if he wasn't your type, if the conversation were off etc. The reason you were attracted to him was likely precisely because you did see the potential.

Gaeta is not like that. Her attraction doesn't have anything to do with long term potential. And, not surprisingly, she finds it incredibly hard - and from what I've seen - near impossible, to get into a long term, monogamous relationship (her marriage to an abusive husband at a very early age aside). That's because she sees sex as being separate from love.

No. 3 -- Then there are those men who, no matter how long a woman makes him wait, will STILL disappear afterwards, because he was only interested in the *challenge* and once that challenge has been satisfied (by having sex)....will be off and running to his next challenge.

Well I've been this guy, but it wasn't the way you describe it, although I'm sure the women where this happened see it the same way. What happened, at least in my case, was that I was dating a woman I wasn't sure of but was still interested to see where it would go. I wasn't pushing for sex at all, but as time goes on the physical stuff tends to ramp up on both sides. In each case, the woman was actually the one that instigated sex. I was undecided in terms of the relationship potential, and had sex. It turned out that we actually weren't a good match in the end, which is why I broke it off, and it happened to come shortly after having sex. It wasn't because sex was my goal and it was a challenge that I accomplished.

But women will often characterize it as such to paint the guy as a "player" or "jerk" because it hurts a lot less than saying "I guess he just wasn't that into me."

But then you DID say there were exceptions to these pre-conceived (and perhaps outdated) notions, and I think those exceptions occur more often than you might think.

Of course there are exceptions and I'm sure they happen a lot. But "a lot" is a relative term. You can find exceptions to everything if you look hard enough.

June 14, 2015

The OP even pointed out that her recent ex-bf didn't have this type of looks/charisma/seduction skills, so they didn't have sex until he asked for exclusivity.

Untrue.

When I met him I was instantly hit to the heart. There was a strong sense of attraction and lust, I was crazy about him. He was a good guy, he didn't have a game that's why we didn't sleep together right away. We did on our 4th date because he initiated it on that date. I was so into him if he had initiated on our 2nd date I would have gone along with it.

Your theory that I sleep with men with games don't hold. I sleep with men I want to sleep with, game or not.

June 14, 2015

Yes - you are not the type of woman that has slept with a lot of men. That would make you good relationship material, which is likely why your relationship has been a success.

This is highly judgmental and insulting. As if I am not good relationship material because I slept with several men!! My level of loyalty, my devotion to a romantic partner, my capacity to love, understand, forgive, support, care has nothing to do with who I chose to have sex with when I am single !!!

June 14, 2015

This is highly judgmental and insulting. As if I am not good relationship material because I slept with several men!! My level of loyalty, my devotion to a romantic partner, my capacity to love, understand, forgive, support, care has nothing to do with who I chose to have sex with when I am single !!!

I tend to agree with this assertion, in general, but beware of the slippery slope of double standards with regards to what is perceived as inappropriate behavior from a man, specifically his hot pursuit of sex, early on. He may certainly be, as you are, an extremely devoted and caring individual capable of deep monogamy but hey, he likes sex and has it with as many women as he finds attractive who will have him while single. Behaviors to promote and continue that milieu are part and parcel of it. Equality.

Men, generally, are pragmatists. They do what works, hence my comment about scripts and sales. Men spend a lot of time perfecting what works and then maximize their return on that investment. In general, men, and for that matter, people, operate in their own self-interest. They want, covet then read people and follow patterns to get what they want. The most successful are those who know their social value, are smart in social relations and exhibit confidence in achieving their goals.

June 14, 2015

This is highly judgmental and insulting. As if I am not good relationship material because I slept with several men!! My level of loyalty, my devotion to a romantic partner, my capacity to love, understand, forgive, support, care has nothing to do with who I chose to have sex with when I am single !!!

Sorry Gaeta, I didn't actually mean it makes you bad relationship material. I mean men will often subconsciously feel that way. In evolutionary terms being a cuckold (I.e. Spending time and energy on offspring that aren't your own) is an evolutionary dead end. If a woman has a lot of sexual partners it would increase the chance of her getting pregnant from another man. All this is done subconsciously so it's not like men are actually thinking in these terms any more than you feeling attracted sexually to a 39 year old Adonis.

June 14, 2015

Well I started this thread with 3 prospects and I'm down to 0.

Prospect 4 rescheduled for next weekend, car problem today.

ETA: OOPS prospect 4 will borrow a car and meet me tonight !! I promise you guys I won't sleep with him ;-)

Edited June 14, 2015 by Gaeta

June 14, 2015

I know what I want but I am unwilling to play prude at 49, I lost my virtue a long time ago. To me having sex has nothing to do with values, respect or integrity. It's a fair exchange of sex for sex between 2 consenting adults.

I know most posters on here are conservative Americans and my liberal views are a bit out there for them, in my culture we happen to have very liberal views on sex and there no concept of 'giving it up'. Women high-5 each other for getting great sex just like men do.

I'm the same Gaeta.

I don't want to settle for just anyone. Yet I don't want to remain abstinent for several months on end, either.

I can only sleep with men who I feel intense and wild attraction for. I'd rather have a loving long term relationship with a man I'm fiercely attracted to however, sadly, most men who we feel great chemistry with aren't suitable long term matches or else they don't feel attracted to us ENOUGH to consider us a serious dating prospect.

I wait a couple of dates and the have sex. Men who are truly into us will stick around.

Besides, being sexually liberal isn't the same as being skanky ; skanky is bringing a different guy home every time u go out drinking with friends.

I go out every weekend. Never do I sleep with men. I just don't see the need to wait long when you are really wildly attracted to a guy though. But it is not every weekend you meet a guy that really does it for you.

June 14, 2015

I have no merit, look who I end up on dates with lol

Quality Gaeta, not quantity. You need to be more receptive? Be more picky? Move to another province? lol

June 14, 2015

Sorry Gaeta, I didn't actually mean it makes you bad relationship material. I mean men will often subconsciously feel that way. In evolutionary terms being a cuckold (I.e. Spending time and energy on offspring that aren't your own) is an evolutionary dead end. If a woman has a lot of sexual partners it would increase the chance of her getting pregnant from another man. All this is done subconsciously so it's not like men are actually thinking in these terms any more than you feeling attracted sexually to a 39 year old Adonis.

^^Is this a universal way of thinking/attitude.... or are you speaking from the perspective of the typical conservative American male?

Gaeta stated in her culture, sex is viewed quite differently from how Americans view, she lives in a more liberal culture wherein women are not harshly judged for having sex sans relationship, or for having many partners, and even high five each other for having lots of sex, same way men do here in America.

So I think it is important to remember that when posting things like this because this *may* not be the attitude of the men raised and living in her country/culture.

I dunno maybe it is....just saying it is important to remember she is from a different culture and the attitudes and "rules" adhered to in her culture may be different from the attitudes and rules adhered to in our (American) culture.

Edited June 14, 2015 by katiegrl

June 14, 2015

There will be a 95% chance that this man will sleep with her and then reject her cause she just wanted sex. This in a guy's head sounds as "I'm just a number for her, she is so easy". There will be this 5% of men who will reject her immediately cause these men know what they want and having sex with such a woman is not in their list to do things just because they respect themselves and want to have sex with someone they feel something about, not just lust.

I wouldn't necessarily say 95% for all guys where G did the same thing will reject her. In this guy's case he is younger and a bit of an Adonis so I'd say the odds will be that high that she wont get a LTR out of him, but she could still end up with a fling/fwb/str out of it. That is not what she ideally wants out of OLD but when it comes to him I'd say she would be fine with that. I reckon quite a lot of women these days are happy to have that in the meantime while still looking for Mr.Right

This guy can get away with the inappropriate behavior and knows what he's doing because of his higher sex appeal value on OLD, which I'm sure G knew and definitely still wanted him despite it (it wasn't obvious in the 1st post) . I've seen the pre date dirty flirty txts/msgs from good looking friends and they can get away with a lot more (why it propagates on OLD). If prospect #1 or #3 or #4 got the come over to my place and I'll be wearing my sexiest dress treatment, I doubt there would be 95% chance they would reject her. My player friends would have this "she said doesn't normally do this but I bet she said the same thing to another guy last weekend" attitude with first date sex women but less so the regular guys. Some do some don't. Depends to an extent on how lucky they are when it comes to easy sex or women in general or how lucky they got with the beauty of that woman.

June 15, 2015

I think some of you guys are missing the point.

By having sex with him I understood I was removing him from my serious relationship prospects list - so how am I seeking relationships with jerks?

When I go shopping for clothes while I try them on i make a yes pile, a no pile and a maybe pile. He's in the maybe pile and I continue shopping.

Men are too focused on the sex part. Prospect 2 got sex, so what? That makes him a big winner? to me a winner is when a man win's a woman's heart.

The point seems backwards -- to me, having sex earlier with someone means you are more physically attracted to them. Of course we're focused on the sex part -- it's the most difficult part to get! The relationship part is easy. Almost all of my limited number of lifetime first dates turned into exclusive relationships. But there were all kinds of hoops to jump through, lukewarm attraction or less-than-exciting sexuality on their part to deal with, etc. I'd certainly rather be in Prospect 2's shoes.

June 15, 2015

Surprised that after complaining you felt like the guy wanted sex from you (by asking you to invite him over for dinner) that you went ahead and had sex with him anyway. Curious, did you tell him in advance about your HSV-2 diagnosis?

The guy that you liked, you told him before you had sex, so, curious if it applies for guys that you have the "hots" for...

June 15, 2015

Sounds to me like the OP is not looking for a relationship, but instead looking for flings with nice looking, younger guys. A couple guys come along who seem to be interested in the OP, but because of a few errors or their part, being clingy, ect, they get tossed to the side.

I am not looking for flings with younger men

I hate when some of you put me in a position where I have to defend and re-explain myself.

**Last man was the man that could not deal with my condition. He was 45 , regular man, his face was full of scars and I didn't care, to me he was adorable and I fell for his kindness and shyness.

**The one before the man was 54. Regular man. Even weird looking he was a mix of 4 difference races. No sex - He captured all of my attention, he took me out on 3 dates and disappeared without a word.

**The one before that he was 53. No sex. Took me out several times, swept me off of my feet and then told me he was married.

Are we clear !!

June 15, 2015

I have no merit, look who I end up on dates with lol

Not your fault there's nothing much worth catching swimming around

The more you throw back, the closer you get. Good luck Gaeta!

June 15, 2015

ETA: OOPS prospect 4 will borrow a car and meet me tonight !! I promise you guys I won't sleep with him ;-)

For those who'd like to hear about my prospect number 4. (47 yo)

He was on the smaller size (compare to his pics) but still very nice and well put together.

In the middle of our date he started telling me about this lady he met this past week and he had to break her heart. She was nice and everything but she told him she had herpes and he couldn't deal with it and apparently she was crying. He felt really bad for telling her no.

So after he finished telling me his story I told him I also carry hsv. You should have seen the man's face lol, it was priceless.

He was really shocked and we had a good laugh about it. He was a sweetheart about everything.

He was really confused and kept saying I was so beautiful and desirable he didn't know anymore how to feel about it. He said maybe it's not the big deal he thought it was if so many people carry it. He was curious about knowing more and asked more detailed questions.

The date went on, afterwards he held my hand and walked me to my car. He kissed me with a lot of tenderness it was a nice moment, I said no matter what he decides he's a terrific guy and I had a great time.

June 15, 2015

Don't you have any friends/married friends that know a few eligible bachelors? Meeting strangers isn't doing it for you.

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When men act inappropriately on a date is it on purpose or they don't know better?

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